Horribly inappropriate, but hilarious things heard at work

[Shalom]

"So, what do you think it would be like at a deaf singles bar? How could someone whisper sweet nothings without someone nearby understanding every word?"

Rapscallion

Not everything deaf people say is visible to others.

When I worked as a locksmith, years back, we had some (non-sucky) regular customers who lived in a nearby apartment house for the hearing impaired. This couple (I guess in their 30s) would come in to have keys made or whatever. He was deaf and mostly blind (he could read things with a viewer that blew them up about 100x; I saw him use this machine once to sign a check), but appeared to have grown up hearing, as he could speak normally. She was deaf and mute, but could see normally. The two of them went everywhere together, and a conversation with them usually went like this: you'd talk to the girl, who would lip-read what you said and then spell it out in sign language into the guy's hand, and he would reply vocally. Between the two of them you had one person's worth of communication, each filling in the other's deficit. It took some getting used to, but was kinda sweet to watch.

So it is possible for a whole conversation to be going on, and it looks to an outsider like they're just holding hands. (And another deaf person would know when they were trying to be private, and look elsewhere.)

I realize the question was meant as a joke, but I thought it deserved a serious answer.

[Rapscallion]

This needs some background. I'm known for baking cookies and distributing them amongst our short-term contract workers. Several of them were on their last day at work, which is pissing a few of us off. However, I baked a sort of farewell batch of blueberry cookies. I left them in the canteen with them as I wandered off to do another job. As expected, I returned to an empty plate and praise. One of them noticed my T-shirt.

Colleague 1: Interesting shirt.

Me: The Sphynx? Yup - wore this one in Pompeii. Got photos of it.

Colleague 2: Really?

Me: Yup - the back was yellow where I'd sweated hard and it had crystallised.

Colleague 1: I hope you didn't wear that while baking these cookies!

Me: What makes you think I wore anything?

Rapscallion

[fireheart]

A quick bump.

One of the things that comes up on my register pretty frequently is Potatoes. Because of the fact that when shortened, it comes out as POT, usually they're put down as POT-Lady Christl or POT Golden Delight on the screen.

The other night I got "scalloped Pot."

[fireheart]

New one from tonight.

This one came from our new manager who was also a former manager at Old Store.

Little bit of background-next to one of the registers, we have this huge pole. I don't know why it's there because it makes it hard for customers to bag stuff, but the big issue with this one is that it has chrome plating on it. Which needs to be cleaned every day.

Tonight, my coworker had just finished cleaning it. He was also on a particular register that my manager was about to count. He'd encountered having to count 2 open bags worth of 5c coins (Aussie dollar folks) in one register and said this to one of my male coworkers.

"If I encounter too many coins in there, I'm putting my hands down your pole!"

We all just stared at him, then let out fresh gales of laughter. We knew what it meant, but it just came out so wrong it was that fucking hilarious!

[Merriweather]

Do companies not think of these things?

The funniest are when products cross cultures/countries and their PR guys don't do their homework on local language/slang etc.

I was living in the UK when the US movie about the whale was released there - Free Willy. Never heard so much laughter over the title of a movie in my life, don't think anyone went to see it cause they were too busy laughing over the title to decide if it was worth watching.

[Andara Bledin]

The funniest are when products cross cultures/countries and their PR guys don't do their homework on local language/slang etc.

Actually, that's not quite the case, because it has the same meaning on this side of the pond.

We were busy giggling our asses off at the title just the same as you guys. Heck, the porn people wouldn't even have to change the title for their parody!

^-.-^

[Merriweather]

Actually, that's not quite the case, because it has the same meaning on this side of the pond.

We were busy giggling our asses off at the title just the same as you guys. Heck, the porn people wouldn't even have to change the title for their parody!

^-.-^

Must be a regional thing here in the US then, cause I'd never heard it used til I lived in the UK. Not surprising, though. I've lived in several different areas in the US, and it wasn't until I lived in the UK a while that I realized certain regional terms & customs from certain areas (but not others) were actually British in origin.

[Cookie]

I hadn't heard of that one until I had British friends. The responses to the American phenomenon of the "wet willy" are hilarious.

[fireheart]

The funniest are when products cross cultures/countries and their PR guys don't do their homework on local language/slang etc.

There's a bunch of jokes somewhere that talk about just that.

The best one was when a Mexican firm changed the name of a promotion to "hot Money" for the US market-obviously forgetting that hot money means stolen money.

[ShinyGreenApple]

I posted this in Brain Burps, but the other week, a coworker and I had mastered putting in shelves in produce, since we kept having to take them down and put them up again because no one knew what they were doing. The produce shelves have a rubber gasket on the back to keep stuff from falling behind the shelf and rotting. I bragged that "J and I can stick it in without pulling the rubber off!" I realized what I'd said about 20 seconds too late, but everyone else was dying.

Since we're remodeling, we'll often complain that "It won't go in!/Are you in?/I'm in/It won't go in because it's bent!" A coworker of mine likes to stand there and loudly state how she hates it when that happens. Statements are also made about the length of peghooks and fixtures.

I keep a pen and a Sharpie tucked into the buttoned section of my polo shirt while I'm at work, and they stick out a little . . . oddly. Friday morning, it happened like this:

Coworker: "Shiny what's that sticking out there. That your nipple?"

Me: "Damn it's cold in here!"

It's a good thing the remodel lead has a sense of humor

[Teysa]

We had someone giving out samples of some canned tea near my department today. One of the courtesy clerks came by and asked about them. The demo-lady explained a bit and after telling him the price of the cans said part of the purchase price went towards breast cancer research. He looked at her a moment and then said "Oh! Save the boobies!"

[Calvin St.Hobbes]

I am a floating ASM for a large hardware chain right now and was on the floor last week when a Mexican man came up to me and asked for "lug nuts" but between his heavy accent and limited grasp of English what came to my ears was him asking for "butt plugs"...and I could not stop myself from repeating it back to him as a question.
I was really glad for that non grasp of english after that...

[kpzra]

A quick bump.

One of the things that comes up on my register pretty frequently is Potatoes. Because of the fact that when shortened, it comes out as POT, usually they're put down as POT-Lady Christl or POT Golden Delight on the screen.

The other night I got "scalloped Pot."

My favorites when I was a cashier were the candy bars that came up "nut roll" and the condiment "beaver sauce". Where I work now, we can get raunchy, especially with the medivac crews.

[Cookie]

While dividing up tech support emails:

CW: I'll do this lady. (pause) Wait, that sounds wrong!

[fireheart]

Necrobumping this thread.

We have this song at work for a brand of honey. Every time this comes on, my mind goes STRAIGHT into the gutter:

The lyrics?

Squeeze me honey honey squeeze me,
Squeeze me honey honey squeeze me,
Squeeze a little, or squeeze a lot,
Capilano?
DON'T STOP!

The whole song repeats twice.

What makes it hilarious is that the last line is said in this voice that makes her sound like she's having an orgasm