SC Classes

[BusyBee]

Basic Condescension - Learn basic veiled insults and how to deliver them so that you may still claim innocence. Including but not restricted to "How long have you been working here?" and "How old are you anyway?"

Advanced Condescension - Blatant insolence, smugness, and perfecting that haughty attitude. Not for the faint of heart!

Living in a Time Warp - Basic indignance that the store is closing. Extra credit points for managing to blame the employees for your watch being 15 minutes slow!

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Comperative Ubiquity 101: Where you learn all the things "everyplace else" does.

[Spiffy McMoron]

Psychology - How can trick the cashier into returning an abused and broken product?

Sociology - How is the system not allowing me to return an abused and broken product?

History - My previous record of returning abused and broken products.

Law - The store has to return the abused and broken product-I know the law!

French - The flowery language I will be speaking when I return the abused and broken product.

Greek - What the return policy is to me.

Math - Demanding compensation for gas money, based on driving "really, really far" to attempt to return the abused and broken product.

Physics - Determing the proper trajectory to hurl the abused and broken product, preferably at the cashier, manager, or closest window.

Biology - Will assist the cashier, manager, and their mothers to insert the abused and broken product into their rectums and twist it sideways.

[VoodooSquirrel]

Creative Writing 101 - Used for documenting everything that employees tell you in hopes you can use it against them at a future date

Temporal Mechanics 201 - Used with Creative writing, when you try to use something you wrote down 5 years ago and insist that it still apply as if it was just told to you this morning

Selective Memory 301 - Where you conveniently forget and leave out anything that might make you look like a dumb ass

[Seshat]

Parenting.

Graduates of this course will be able to obtain the social and financial benefits of having children, without any of the inconvenience of raising the little blighters.

Topics include

Using welfare to fund your Carribean holiday

Getting your choice of OJ with WIC

Playing the child card

Children and restaurants: a fun mix

Restaurant kitchens as daycare

Emergency rooms: not just for emergencies

Cars: inexpensive childcare

Toy shops: free childcare

Video game shops: priceless

How to abandon your child and act innocent

'I've suffered enough': getting the jury onside

Teen shoplifting is just a fun prank

Parking pre-teens in R-rated movies

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Crwative Writing 201: (required if you're planning to submit a letter to Planet Feedback, my3cents.com, and especially rip-off report)

This class teaches the fun-duh-mentals of writing effective complaint letters, such as:

• Punctuation: Big Mistake or Bad Idea?
• The Art of the Freebie Grab
• How to Smell a Rat: Why everybody who disagrees with you is a greedy corporate pig who likes to eat babies, toss live chickens into scalding water, and make billions while doing so
• Making Yourself Seem Important (If your job is mopping the floors and cleaning the restrooms at Mickey D's, you are a"Workplace Sanitation Technician for a Fortune 500 Company" If you are the manager, you are "Manager at a Fortune 500 Company. This lets the letter reader know you are an Important Person whose compalint is worth acting on, not some schlub who is best ignored)
• USING CAPITAL LETTERS, BOLDFACE AND EXCLAMATION POINTS EFFECTIVELY!!!

Upon successful completion of this course, students will be able to write complaint letters that get results. Notice I do not mention what those results are...

[Boozy]

Concepts of Space-Time in Quantum Mechanics: Why retail employees can pull large items out of their asses.

[Becks]

How To Spot A Liar--Easy ways to prove that some random customer does in fact work at the store in question, no matter how many times they tell you that they don't work there. After all, why else would they be there? Only YOU have the right to shop there.

[B&NGoddess]

ethics 215: we don't actually grade you on this. we really just want you to take it cuz it looks cool on a resume. we play lawn darts all day.

common sense 095: anything higher and you'd fail. actually, why dont you take this credit/no credit.

outrageous facial expressions 200: surprise/anger
outrageous facial expressions 300: frustration/constipation
outrageous facial expressions 400: the "OMG the salesperson just killed your mom"

public urination 101: how to do it and get away with it repeatedly.

physical impossibilty 090: how to order something on saturday and get it on sunday

advanced "that's bullshit!" shouting: to be taken in conjunction with physical impossibilty 090.

waaaaaaahmbulance driving school: emergency whining use only or in conjunction with outrageous facial expressions 200, 300, or 400.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Economics: Learn all about how, exactly, your $50 shopping spree pays the cashier's wages.

[Seshat]

The Tragedy of the Commons (beginners)
why everything exists solely for your benefit and everyone else is just using up your stuff.

The Tragedy of the Commons (advanced course)
why you shouldn't have to wait for shared resources such as the time of a service provider (doctors, hairdressers, etc)

[Luna]

Tax Evasion Tactics 101: or, how to argue there shouldn't be tax on a taxable item you are purchasing

Enviable Facial Expressions (advanced): how to instantly turn your face into
*cat butt (severe pursed lips)
*volcano head (complete with bulging eyes, red face and throbbing temple veins)
*gasping fish (open close open close mouth - advanced will undertake the sputtering noise with this)

all the above will help you - as a superior human, to convey picturesque emotions to the lack-wits behind the counter better.

Time Travel 302: How to prove your time is the only correct time and make others obey it by opening their doors to you