Is this unreasonable...?

[Little Retail Rabbit]

Me again :3

Not doctors this time. In-laws.

They are the most inconsiderate smokers I have ever met. Lovely people otherwise, but the smoking- argh! My parents smoke too but they only smoke in 2 locations in the house and thats never around me (you can't smell fag smoke in our house at all). Bear's parents, however, smoke anywhere, almost constantly, and never open windows. They even smoke in the car with the windows up (my parents NEVER smoke in the car if there is a non-smoker with them). Even worse, they have chain-smoked in my face when I have had flu. The last couple of times I've been to stay with them I have ended up with a cold or flu and while they are happy to press any number of not-very-helpful pills on me, they won't stub out their fags or even open a window. (Heck, they even smoke if THEY have flu O.O ).

However, I recently found out that this could well kill me. Ok, I'm employing a teeny about hyperbole here but...

I am on the pill. And I have a family history of DVT. My doctor would not have let me on the pill if I had been smoking. But for the 2 or 3 weeks I stay at Bear's house, I am a definite passive smoker. So this is dangerous to my health, is it not? In fact my mum and I have been watching Dr G recently, and we saw a healthy young woman who had died from blood clots that had formed while eh had been smoking on the pill...only a few years ago, my uncle had a blood clot (but managed to survive). We're now even making sure my parent's bedroom door is closed when they smoke up there so I don't breathe it downstairs when I'm exercising (it sometimes starts to waft down the stairs).

I mean, I've sat there coughing so badly that I've almost wet myself and they've not stubbed out the fag or opened a window. If i start sniffing, they don't ever think that its allergies caused by pet hair and cig smoke and try to press antihistemines on me. Bear has asked them repeatedly to stop smoking around HIM and they always say no.

Do you think I have the right to actually say something like this:

"I am on the pill, and I have a family history of Deep Vein Thrombosis, which can cause lethal blood clots. This risk is much higher if I smoke, which I do not- however, by passively breathing in your smoke, you are affectively putting me at risk of having a lethal blood clot. Please could you at the least open a window?"

Or is that rude?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

It is if it's their house, yeah.

I'm not saying what they are doing is right, but you're staying there on their say so. You don't get to set the rules.

Find new digs before you get yourself into a situation.

[Hanzoku]

I agree. If you have a problem with them smoking in their house, invite them over to yours (with the understanding that they MUST smoke outside) or meet them out somewhere else. If you're in the car with them, open your window while they're smoking. If they complain, you can explain your worry about YOUR health risks, and generally not liking to breath concentrated cigarette smoke.

Now, if you invite them over to your place and they light up and refuse to put out their cigarettes, they don't get to come over again.

[Little Retail Rabbit]

Not possible. I live in the UK. Bear lives in the US. We see each other once a year.

[MaggieTheCat]

I would say letting them know about the DVT and the higher risk when smoking/around smoke is not rude, at least if they don't already know about it. What they do from there is up to them.

Something you could try, is every time you see (or smell) them light up, go outside. They're talking to you? Oh, sorry, I need a breath of fresh air. They might eventually get the idea that you won't tolerate smoke, and if they don't, well, at least you're not breathing it in quite as much.

I think it is terribly rude of them to force their nasty habit onto someone who wants nothing to do with it, and has even asked them to refrain. But, as others have pointed out, it is their house so they can do what they want.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Hotel time.

You can't afford to stay in that house if it is putting your life at risk. You really don't have any other options.

[Little Retail Rabbit]

Also can't afford the hotel. If I could afford hotels, I would have moved to the US by now ^^;; Recession and all...I can barely afford the flights half the time

I like your suggestion Maggie. Its a bit blunt but it maybe the only way they get the hint, and that way I don't end up breathing it in/coughing my guts out. They also love playing passive aggressive so it would be me playing their own game

I don't want to be rude to them, as they are letting me stay at their house and all, and they generally are nice people most of the time, but its very frustrating because, DVT aside, its rude to smoke in someone's face full stop. My parents would never smoke around other people unless they were smoking too, and certainly never smoke around a sick person. I guess it bothers me because I consider myself the sort of person who makes the effort to be courteous and considerate and it does feel a little as though its not going both ways.

[Sapphire Silk]

I know of no connection between second hand smoke and DVTs in women who are on the pill.

The connection between smoking and the pill is very well understood. The connection between second hand smoke and cancer are well understood.

Not second hand smoke and DVTs.

I realize you're desperate to find a way to make them stop smoking around you, but if they're willing to continue doing so even when you have an upper respiratory illness (and second hand smoke aggravates asthma as well) then I doubt you'd succeed on this tactic.

You have a couple of choices.

Put up with it.

Don't go near them.

It's that simple. Don't get in a car with them. Don't go to their house. Don't go out to dinner with them if smoking is permitted in restaurants in the UK (I have no idea on the laws there).

Yes, they will be offended and angry. Stand your ground. Make it clear that you are happy to socialize with them when they are not smoking but the minute they light up, you leave.

Do this even if you have to take a cab to get away from them. Have money on hand in case they try to call your bluff. Don't make it a bluff. Once they understand you are serious, they will either back off the unwanted behaviors or not.

If they back off, you win and you can socialize with your in-laws/potential inlaws and stay healthy. If they don't, then that's a shame . . . but it's on them. You should not have to endanger YOUR health because THEY are rude and won't consider the comfort of other people.

It may impact your relationship with Bear. Talk to him and try to get his support. You might actually find you get it.

My parents were heavy smokers. I refused to allow smoking in my house. My father tried to balk; my mother accepted my rules graciously. I was firm: smoke outside.

Dad tried to give me ash trays when he found I had none . . . because I don't allow smoking in the house. I either refused them or threw them away. Eventually he got the point and accepted my rules; a relationship with me was more important to him than smoking inside my house.

[Cat]

Blood clots were some of the things I was tested for. If you are at high risk for them, do what you must to stay healthy. Maggie and Panacea have great advice.....I hope something works out well for you.

[Teskeria]

And in the end it really comes down to how considerate they are. My Dad was a chain smoker. Didn't go 5 minutes without a cigarette. Yet, when my oldest was born, her lungs were weak and the doctor told me to make sure no-one smoked around her. The couple weeks I spent with my parents, they had completely aired the house out, washed everything before we got there, and while there my dad went outside for his smokes, leaving a heavy shirt outside the back door to put on while he smoked and take off to keep the smoke away from the baby. And yeah, he was the kind of smoker who would move downwind of non-smokers if the wind changed and he carried an empy mint tin to put his ashes and butts in.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Well, if your life is truly at risk, then staying there is not an option. Why not have Bear come stay with you instead? I certainly would not put my life at risk to visit someone, I don't care how awesome he was. No disrespect meant to Bear, but this is your health we're talking about here.

[Little Retail Rabbit]

Eh, Bear has no monies He does hope to come here once more before we get married, but generally its me who makes the trips, as he's not long finished college, whereas I've been working the whole time.

Panacea, I can't remember the details, but I do know that my doctor always asks me each time that I'm not smoking >.<

I guess for now, I'll just do what Maggie suggested. And I think Bear has the right at least to ban them from smoking in his room. You know, for ages they kept saying how I should have moved over years ago, and then were saying I was going to give them grandchildren (fat chance!)...well, even if I wanted kids and was somehow ok with the idea of having kids while living with my in-laws, they would so totally have to go cold turkey if I were having a kid. They probably wouldn't like that, but hey you can't have it both ways :P

[Kiwi]

Could I ask if you need to be on the pill if you only see your partner once a year?

I ask because my doctor finally said NO MORE after we tried 4 pills and I had bad reactions to all of them. One made me sleep 18 hours a day, one made me a raging beast 3 weeks a month, one gave me very bad pain in my legs. I had to be checked for blood clots twice in a month and the last time was the final straw.
I know two of my irl friends who have had to give up for the same reasons as well, it was causing more trouble than it's worth.

On the smoking end, their house, their rules. You need to move out. Until then, get a small air prurifier for your room (I got mine for $40 CAD) it works up to 250 ft every 4 hours. Run it while you sleep and are home. It won't combat the effects of 2nd hand smoke totally but it's better than unfiltered air.

[Little Retail Rabbit]

You know, you are the second person to ask me in a month to ask me that. In truth, I like the Pill. Of all the contraceptive methods, I believe it is best for me. As a tokophobic, I want to have a regular mestrual cycle (ok, so "technically" speaking, they say a period on the pill isn't a "real" period at all, but try telling that to my uterus, its doing all the right things right down to the muscle contractions :P ) and the Pill does mean you can expect your period almost right down to the hour. I have considered other things- the implant has a good rep, as does the coil. But because of my current mental state, I'm not sure I could handle insertion of the coil, and LOADS of people I have known personally have said they've had no periods from the implant. My period is a warning alarm...

(I need to point out again, tokophobia and the dislike of children aside, you really must not have children in a long distance relationship. If I stupidly had Harry's baby now, it would not recieved automatic American citizenship, and we would have to shell out an extra grand or so to be allowed to have it emigrate with me when I go to the states So even if I wanted kids, I would never do it before we were together, it wouldn't be fair on the kid either)...

I don't trust condoms. We use them, but they have a much higher failure rate. The Pill's perfect use rate is great, and I am cery careful about good use. I know so many people who have gotten pregnant on the Pill, but they all are the type to either:

-forget to take it
-drink heavily and throw up

I always make note if I'm having a tummy upset to avoid that.

All in all, I will admit this smoking thing I heard on Dr G was a recent concern, and something I only found out about recently. But I find the Pill much better for me than another one would. I take comfort in knowing when my next period will be and how effective it is as a contraceptive. I find female condoms and diaphragms disgusting too. Harry actual wants me to get sterilised, but no NHS doctor would ever do that...and in all honesty, I'm going to admit that i'm only 24 now...I may well feel very differently when I'm 34. I doubt I will, but I was a very different person at 14 too.

[Lady Legira]

All in all, I will admit this smoking thing I heard on Dr G was a recent concern, and something I only found out about recently. But I find the Pill much better for me than another one would. I take comfort in knowing when my next period will be and how effective it is as a contraceptive. I find female condoms and diaphragms disgusting too. Harry actual wants me to get sterilised, but no NHS doctor would ever do that...and in all honesty, I'm going to admit that i'm only 24 now...I may well feel very differently when I'm 34. I doubt I will, but I was a very different person at 14 too.

I started asking at 25 to be sterlised, I was 32 when I was on the NHS. I asked every so often until I found a (female) doctor who took me seriously and referred me without issue. I have no children and don't want any. I could have probably pushed for it earlier but I felt I wasn't being taken seriously by a few doctors until I met the one who referred me. After that every person I saw was excellent and if I hadn't been sterlised they wouldn't have found the dermoid cyst sat on my ovary which was already the size of a cricket ball. I was so glad to give the pills I had left over to my sister (she takes the same one, I wasn't going to waste em ) and breathed a sigh of relief. I had no worries when it came to having my new relationship even though he's sterile because of a drug trial (great drug, not so hot side effects apprently) for his epilepsy.