No, I Will Not Wipe Your Butt

[trailerparkmedic]

Patient was hanging out in the ER for something that had nothing to do with his arms (or with his bowels; I think this was done to spite me).

Pt: I just pooped in bed. You need to wipe me.
Me: You need to go clean yourself up in the bathroom and we'll change your sheets while you do that.
Pt: But it's your JOB!
Me: My job is to help you return to the highest level of functioning possible. I'm doing that by encouraging you to take care of yourself.
Pt: FINE! I'LL JUST LAY HERE.
Me: Ok. Here's some wipes for when you're ready to clean yourself.

And I proceeded to ignore him. He got up about 15 minutes later.

Other things I said to him today when he refused to do such difficult tasks as cutting up his food or pulling up his blankets from his knees:
-Are your arms broken?
-How do you manage at home?
-I won't do that until you demonstrate that your arms aren't working. It seems like they're working well right now since you're having no trouble using your cell phone.

[Draper Mel]

Sheesh! While I was in the hospital this situation arose for me. Believe me, dude, it's really not fun. Kinda humiliating, actually. Thank goodness the nurses were very matter of fact about it.

[fireheart]

Seriously, it's not a 5-star resort, it's a hospital. Idiot.

[PepperElf]

even 5 star resorts don't wipe your arsehole for you.

[Argus]

What about washing your hands?

[Lachrymose]

even 5 star resorts don't wipe your arsehole for you.

Yeah, that would be a 1 starfish resort.

[MoonCat]

What about washing your hands?

I saw that one, and that's the first time I seriously doubted one of those stories. If that really happened, all I can say is...we, as a species, are doomed.

[PepperElf]

i think one of by brain cells just went after reading that.

dooooooooooom

[Kogarashi]

I saw that one, and that's the first time I seriously doubted one of those stories. If that really happened, all I can say is...we, as a species, are doomed.

I know, that sounds like the punchline to a bad blonde joke, only without the blonde.

[NateTheChops]

Usually when a customer expects me to wipe their ass, it's purely metaphorical.

[Catwoman2965]

really? I would only want someone to do that for me if I couldn't, not because I was feeling lazy. I do have a funny, kind of embarrassing story along these lines. I had pancreatitis, and was quite nauseous. So I was getting anti-naseua meds. Which were in the form of a suppository. so the nurses were giving them to me, which was fine. Until one time, she asked did I want to do it, or her. I really wanted to say, sure, let me reach around with my right hand, which has an IV in it, and shove it up my behind. I don't think so, but I simply said "I'd rather have you do it."

[Metody]

When patients pull this kind of crap, I lean in the doorway and start asking them detailed questions about their motivations while being very obvious about jotting notes down on their handoff sheets. Once they get irritated, I explain that it's for the psych consult, because I find it very concerning that someone who can perform self care prefers to have strangers wipe them/feed them/reposition them.

They usually end up doing it their own damn selves.

[Seshat]

I like that - it's clever.

Unfortunately, I have (rare) occasions where self-care is difficult. And at those times, I'd prefer to have my loves handle the situation than have some stranger do it.

Thankfully, most such times are applying creams where it's awkward to reach oneself, or stuff like washing my hair (reaching up to do that is too hard sometimes). Even if managing my .. 'toilette' .. leaves me sick and achey, I'd prefer to handle that on my own.

[Pixilated]

When patients pull this kind of crap, I lean in the doorway and start asking them detailed questions about their motivations while being very obvious about jotting notes down on their handoff sheets. Once they get irritated, I explain that it's for the psych consult, because I find it very concerning that someone who can perform self care prefers to have strangers wipe them/feed them/reposition them.

They usually end up doing it their own damn selves.

Very clever! I'll bet the words "psych consult" makes these people back off super-quick, LOL.

[Sapphire Silk]

Once they get irritated, I explain that it's for the psych consult, because I find it very concerning that someone who can perform self care prefers to have strangers wipe them/feed them/reposition them.

I like it!