Dear patients,
Cocaine is not an acceptable treatment for chest pain.
--Metody
Dear patients,
'You feed me. I don't feed myself' is not the same as 'I can't feed myself'. 'I don't use forks' is not the same as 'I can't hold a fork.' One of these will get you an aide to feed you, the other will get you a packet of hand wipes so you can clean up after you feed yourself with your fingers. Like a child. Because you don't want to feed yourself, and think you're punishing me by doing this.
--Metody
Dear patients,
If you stop taking your antipsychotic medication for a week, don't catch up by taking seven day's worth at once. You will go crazy, but in a new and unexpected direction. And then you'll have a heart attack, and then you'll end up on my floor.
--Metody
Dear patients,
If you are going to bite me, try to still have teeth. I will feel bad for laughing at you, but only later, and just a little.
--Metody
Dear patients,
If you are going to insult me, make sure you know what the insults mean. Calling me a 'cock-sucking dyke' is just going to make the aide ask you if you're sure you know what a dyke is. Later, we will all gather around at the nurse's station and have a jolly laugh at you.
--Metody
Dear doctors,
Don't tell me I'm the best nurse because I always do what I'm told. That makes me way more likely to start saying no.
--Metody
Dear patient,
It's true, I did say I needed a urine sample. I wish you'd used the little covered cup I gave you instead of your coffee mug.
--Metody
Dear family member,
I'd be way more likely to let you stick around while I did the dressing change if you hadn't just called your brother a pussy for wanting painkillers before I start poking at his one day old amputation stump, you utter failure of a human being.
--Metody
Dear other family member of another patient,
If you ever run out of a room screaming, 'Help, help, he needs help, please, oh, God, help!' there better be blood on the walls and guts on the floor, not diarrhea in the bed. This is a hospital. Poop is not an emergency here.
--Metody
Cocaine is not an acceptable treatment for chest pain.
--Metody
Dear patients,
'You feed me. I don't feed myself' is not the same as 'I can't feed myself'. 'I don't use forks' is not the same as 'I can't hold a fork.' One of these will get you an aide to feed you, the other will get you a packet of hand wipes so you can clean up after you feed yourself with your fingers. Like a child. Because you don't want to feed yourself, and think you're punishing me by doing this.
--Metody
Dear patients,
If you stop taking your antipsychotic medication for a week, don't catch up by taking seven day's worth at once. You will go crazy, but in a new and unexpected direction. And then you'll have a heart attack, and then you'll end up on my floor.
--Metody
Dear patients,
If you are going to bite me, try to still have teeth. I will feel bad for laughing at you, but only later, and just a little.
--Metody
Dear patients,
If you are going to insult me, make sure you know what the insults mean. Calling me a 'cock-sucking dyke' is just going to make the aide ask you if you're sure you know what a dyke is. Later, we will all gather around at the nurse's station and have a jolly laugh at you.
--Metody
Dear doctors,
Don't tell me I'm the best nurse because I always do what I'm told. That makes me way more likely to start saying no.
--Metody
Dear patient,
It's true, I did say I needed a urine sample. I wish you'd used the little covered cup I gave you instead of your coffee mug.
--Metody
Dear family member,
I'd be way more likely to let you stick around while I did the dressing change if you hadn't just called your brother a pussy for wanting painkillers before I start poking at his one day old amputation stump, you utter failure of a human being.
--Metody
Dear other family member of another patient,
If you ever run out of a room screaming, 'Help, help, he needs help, please, oh, God, help!' there better be blood on the walls and guts on the floor, not diarrhea in the bed. This is a hospital. Poop is not an emergency here.
--Metody
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