Apparently, I worship Satan

[Kitten in the box]

I was getting a snake as a pet some years back and this snake was the constrictor type. (Northern Pine Snake to be exact) and this lady in the pet store saw me and asked why I was getting the snake. I said coz I felt like having one as a pet and before you know it she was screaming that I worshipped coz normal people don;t own snakes that big. As you might expect it turned into and arguement in which I commited the sin of telling her to shut the hell up. BIG mistake. She went into shrieking mode and left in a huff saying that she was going to get me "kicked out of Church"
yeah whatever

[Ironclad Alibi]

"Buy this. Or I shall take the souls of your loved ones and feed them to my creations in the pits of hell for an eternity of torment...."

Yeah, but then how do you handle any refunds?

In the traditional manner. You send them into the pit to bring the souls of their loved ones back out, if they can.

The attempt will cure them of being SCs, one way or the other.