Telemarketers attack!

[AriRashkae]

1st one: Probably a little snippy, but at least they were classy in apologizing when they found out how unhappy you were.

2nd one: definitely classy. If they were all like that we wouldn't have the jokes.

[wolfie]

ATT: (Snottiness Factor: 1) Well who may I contact in the future regarding long distance service?

Helen Frye handles our telecommunications needs. If you wish to sell us long distance service, you can go to Helen Frye.

[Mnemjian]

Helen Frye handles our telecommunications needs. If you wish to sell us long distance service, you can go to Helen Frye.

I've actually never heard that one! Took me a minute to figure it out... had to say it out loud. I will definitely be using that

[Sapphire Silk]

I've been getting daily calls from "Nielsen Ratings", according to my caller id, though they haven't left a message. Usually I let telemarketers ring through to the answering machine, but yesterday I happened to pick up.

Me: Hello?
NR: Hi, I'm calling from Nielsen Ratings, and we're conducting a short survey . . .
Me (interrupting): I'm on the Do not Call Registry.
NR: Well, since we're not actually trying to sell you anything, we're allowed to call.
Me: OK, well I'm not interested. Please put me on your Do Not Call List
NR: Ma'am if you'll just let me . . .
Me: Not interested. Do not call again *click!*

EE told me I spent too much time talking to her as it was

Door to door religious 'salesmen':

Them: What do you think is the greatest threat to the world today?
Me: Overpopulation. Because (blah blah blah irrelevant.)
Them: (start some spiel about how believing in God will magically solve it.)
Me: Actually, I can see only two ways God can fix overpopulation. He can kill off most of the existing population, which isn't exactly desirable. War, plague, famine, natural disasters - doable, but messy and unpleasant. Or he can prevent conceptions. Much better, since it doesn't hurt anyone currently existing.
And since "the Lord helps those who help themselves", he's given our scientists the means to prevent conception - we have contraceptives, effective ones. We simply need to apply them.
So He's done His part, it's all in our hands now. My family is working on it - three adults, no children. I see you have children, however. I hope you've stuck to replacement level or less.
Them: (utter shock)
Me: I do believe that's all. Thank you for your time. Goodbye.

Awesomely cool. I envy you, I wish I could be that verbally clever on the spot. Usually I just get mad, and then think, "I've should have said . . . "

I used to have a religious saleswoman who would come through the neighborhood about once a week. At the time, I worked nights (7p-7a). I explained to her on two occasions I worked nights, I wasn't interested in discussing religion with her, and that her visits were interrupting my sleep.

Next week comes, and I fall asleep in front of the TV (unusual for me).

*knock knock*

I blearily get to my feet, pulling my blanket around me as I do. It's the same lady.

Me: What? (note to all solicitors: Panacea is not a morning person)
Religious Lady: Hello, I'd like to talk to you about your relationship with God.
Me: My relationship with God is just fine. Look, lady, I've told you I work nights. Quit knocking on my door and waking me up.
RL: This won't take very long, God really wants to talk to YOU *as she tries to PUSH her way into my house!*
Me: Look, lady, I'm a Satanist! *at this point I drop the blanket. I sleep nude in the summer, which this was*

Lady goes running down the street. Never saw her again

[protege]

Lady goes running down the street. Never saw her again

Now that was freaking awesome! But, you were nice to her, and she responded by ignoring you.

My grandfather had a more "direct" approach. That is, he'd politely tell you that he wasn't interested. Second time he'd tell you to leave. Third time...he'd ask my grandmother to "fetch the shotgun" That usually did the trick

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I love how they never seem to figure out that someone who has gone to the trouble to sign up on the DNC list (otherwise known as "the Phone Book") probably won't welcome an unsolicited call from ANY stranger. They always say "oh, well, the law doesn't cover us, we aren't selling."

So what? You're calling, ain't ya?

How come they can't figure that one out?

[Broomjockey]

So what? You're calling, ain't ya?

How come they can't figure that one out?

I assume so that it's made clear that they're operating within the bounds of the law.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I understand that and all, and they always want to tell you that. However, it's moot, really. Bottom line is the person does not want to be bothered, so why on earth would anyone think they'd be a good person to call for a survey or charity or anything else?

Heck, if I ran a charity or a survey company, I'd get my hands on the DNC list and use the heck out it. I'd use it to to figure out who will not respond well to a call. I could probably hire fewer call center ops and waste less time if I could pre-screen out numbers that will have angry, pissed off people on the other end.

[MadMike]

I love how they never seem to figure out that someone who has gone to the trouble to sign up on the DNC list (otherwise known as "the Phone Book") probably won't welcome an unsolicited call from ANY stranger.

You know that, and I know that, and I'm sure 99% of the people who work in "the trenches" know that. But as in any other business, you have these empty suits who, in their infinite wisdom, see only potential dollar signs. They lack the common sense to realize that they might be alienating a few potential customers. All they can think of is that if more people are called, they could bring in more sales or donations.

[raw456]

The hubby and I recently had a spat of door-to-door visits from Telstra (Aussie equivelent to AT&T) after about the 5th one in 3 weeks I ended up contacting their customer service section and advised them I would file a harrassment suit if they sent any further sales reps to our door. 3 weeks now and I havent seen hide nor hair of any reps. We are also on the do not call list here cause they used to hassle us all the time by phone too.

In response to "religious" sales reps, my favourite response was when I was a teenager and my mother was trying to get rid of some JW's who she used to talk to but didnt want to anymore. after weeks of her making me answer the door to say she was not in, I got sick of it and told them one week that mum had met some guy at at bar who had a yacht and they took off together. Didnt know when she was coming back. My mum was horrified with what I said, but they never came back

[Mnemjian]

Update: That same lady from the OP came back AGAIN today! I don't know if she recognized me right away, but I sure recognized her. Before she even started talking, I told her "If you're not here to buy something then you'll have to leave." Several customers turned and stared at her. She turned kind of red and walked away. Hopefully that will be the last of her!

You guys all have such good responses to these solicitor types. If only there was room at my company for "witty solicitor rebuffer" then I would hire you all

[CaroPhoenix]

There was a stand up comic many eons ago (the 1980s ), who did a routine about any salespeople (religious kind, phone kind, windows, etc.) coming to his door:

He'd ask them to take a bath with him. Claimed it made all the unwanted visiters leave. (That and/or asking them to get naked and then taking a bath with him).

Haven't tried that yet.

[Sparky]

Fun With Telemarketer, 1992
Mr. Zoom, what kinds of landscaping are you interested in?
Me: None. I'm a secretary. I'm only in it for the money.
She: !!! (click)

I just cracked up laughing. Bravo. Made my day.

I didn't make it that far. I cracked up at this:

Fun With Telemarketer, 1992

She: Brazen jade laminated polecat landscaping?

[Seshat]

I love your response to them.

Thank you.

Awesomely cool. I envy you, I wish I could be that verbally clever on the spot. Usually I just get mad, and then think, "I've should have said . . . "

The only reason I remember this one is because it's a rare event for me, too.
Well, that and that my loves applauded me afterwards.

Me: Look, lady, I'm a Satanist! *at this point I drop the blanket. I sleep nude in the summer, which this was*

Lady goes running down the street. Never saw her again

See? Not bad at all.

[KellyHabersham]

Sales reps are definitely one of the frustrating things to deal with in the church office....mainly because they're always trying to promote/sell something which we're not interested in, can't afford, and I have to repeatedly explain that I'm NOT that person who can authorize that sort of thing.