Telemarketers attack!

[Magpie]

My most successful shutting-down-of-unwelcome-solicitation yet. And FUN.
Come to my house and try to use it as a soapbox, and you deserve to get my opinions. If you don't like them, leave!

I actually welcome the religious sales people. Mostly because I love talking religion.

My mom managed to, by answering his questions honestly, really confuse one of the door-to-door evangelists. I was in the kitchen, trying hard not to laugh as she kept derailing his attempts to explain how their interpretation of God was obviously the only answer, because of how horrible the world is. I saw him leave, he gave a big sigh, clearly wasn't expecting someone to just answer his leading questions honestly.

My MIL's version was to agree to let them tell her about their beliefs. They could come in for coffee, and they'd take turns (her and them) explaining their beliefs.

Heck, if I ran a charity or a survey company, I'd get my hands on the DNC list and use the heck out it. I'd use it to to figure out who will not respond well to a call. I could probably hire fewer call center ops and waste less time if I could pre-screen out numbers that will have angry, pissed off people on the other end.

Well, I don't like charities calling me (too hard to tell the real ones from the scams over the phone, and for that reason it's mostly scams/poorly run ones that call), however I don't mind surveys. There is a non-zero demographic who don't mind the one type of call, even when we hate the sales ones. Granted, the ones from my phone company (the blue one) really tick me off, since they seem to think that we want TV service. I'm thinking that since two "take us off your list" and one rant where the other guy hung up didn't work (he was being an idiot, trying to claim that TV was something I had a use for, it wasn't just because he called), I'm going to go for wasting their time. "So how much is this? How long would it take to get it set up? Is it a problem that we have questionable wiring? And this will let us watch the television without needing to buy a TV?" The only downside to that is that I suspect the company is putting bonuses for sales, given how underhanded the callers seem to like being.

[KellyHabersham]

Got one of those not too long ago here in the church office - "Jack Starr" wanted to talk about setting up a new lease on a copy machine. I told him that we weren't interested in switching copiers, we had a lease with another company, and our account rep. was in the office at the moment (which actually was true, he was meeting with our pastor). And so "Jack" asked to speak to the account rep......apparently he assumed that person was just someone from the church, and didn't realize I meant this guy was from the copier leasing company.

[Dasota]

I actually welcome the religious sales people. Mostly because I love talking religion. Though the one day I was wearing a Mindless Self Indulgence tank top that had a regular cross and then an upside down cross in the middle of it. I forgot that I had something offensive on when I answered the door for two of these guys. I felt bad because I was willingly to listen when they just kinda stammered, asked if my parents were home (I was 19) and handed me a flyer and left.

[Lace Neil Singer]

I once had these people ringing my doorbell at 7am, in order to "educate" me on the relevence of global warming. I would have just ignored them and gone back to sleep, but they kept ringing my doorbell.

Since I am not a morning person, my response was, "Fuck off." This stopped them in the middle of their spiel, which they'd began as soon as I opened the door.

And while they were struck dumb with shock, I said, "You know, you're not going to make any friends knocking on people's door at the arse crack of dawn." And closed the door. And went back to bed. Had they rung my doorbell again, well, something worse than global warming would have happened to them.

[protege]

I can't say I get many door-to-door salespeople at home. Of course, with the front steps being destroyed, and a pile of rubble in their place--complete with caution tape and two broken railings--kinda puts a damper in their plans

Lately though, the telemarketing calls at work have gone done quite a bit. Mainly, because I'm an bastard. That is, I don't let them push me around, nor do I fall for their scams. I'm not rude, but I do get rid of them efficiently.

If they ask me for my copier's serial number, I know that they're trying to scam me. Asking what company they work for usually gets rid of them. If not, I'll throw some bullshit in their general direction. Such as, I'll tell them the copier is made by "Leyland Industries," and give them one of the MGB chassis numbers for the model number. Usually, they'll actually try to find a cartridge for it

If I get the "I need the person who is in charge of your long-distance/gas/electric/insurance/water/cable service...they get the "call our main office." Seriously, we've changed phone and cable companies so many times (and we don't get the bills--they go right to the main office), I have no idea who we have now. Oh, and don't ask me for the phone number either--it's on the web. Look it up

Don't get me wrong, people. I don't go out of my way to be rude to them. However, if I'm in the middle of something, while juggling 4 other things at the same time, and some idiot calls to bust my balls about office supplies, politeness goes out the window.

[Sapphire Silk]

I understand that and all, and they always want to tell you that. However, it's moot, really. Bottom line is the person does not want to be bothered, so why on earth would anyone think they'd be a good person to call for a survey or charity or anything else?

Heck, if I ran a charity or a survey company, I'd get my hands on the DNC list and use the heck out it. I'd use it to to figure out who will not respond well to a call. I could probably hire fewer call center ops and waste less time if I could pre-screen out numbers that will have angry, pissed off people on the other end.

You'd think that would make sense. I got another call from a survey company last night (different one). Same speil. Call lasted far less time though.

*click!*

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I caught her in mid flow and asked her if she could answer me a question.

"Certainly" She replied.

"Is God good?" I asked.

"Yes" she replied.

"In that case then" I said "Why did they make you such an ugly bitch?"

The man with her escorted her sobbing her eyes out to the car and they left without a word, I have never since had another knock at the door!!!

You're my kind of evil.

[RobertM]

I am black listed by the local God Squad after this gem.

I work from home and a couple of times a day the door will be knocked, now if they are nice then I will just tell them I am not interested as I recognise sales people generally are just trying to make a living.

Anyway, one morning when lets say the day could have been going better I opened the door and there stood a man and a woman, the God Squad!!! Straight away I said not interested, but the woman loudly informed me that what she had to say was more important than anything I was doing and I had to listen.

Off she goes her brain 5 seconds behind her mouth..

I caught her in mid flow and asked her if she could answer me a question.

"Certainly" She replied.

"Is God good?" I asked.

"Yes" she replied.

"In that case then" I said "Why did they make you such an ugly bitch?"

The man with her escorted her sobbing her eyes out to the car and they left without a word, I have never since had another knock at the door!!!

[Flying Grype]

You'd think that telling the religious solicitors that you're a Satanist or that your mother ran away with a man would make them try harder to 'help' you. But apparently they aren't up for that kind of challenge.

[Sparky]

I hate telemarketers at work -- though the ones that try to scam me are funny. I had fun with "Yeah, this is Dave from the warehouse, and I need someone to read me the number on the front of your copier." Oh yeah, like I'm fallin' for that. Our supplies come from the company with whom we have a contract. Where are you calling from, Dave? "The warehouse. Where your copier supplies come from." What warehouse would that be, Dave? Click.

But "Can you connect me to the person who buys your janitorial supplies?" "May I speak to the person in charge of buying office supplies?" "Who is in charge of choosing your telephone service?" Dude, you've reached an itty-bitty academic office in an enormous university. All of these things are decided by people in administrative positions in other offices. "Can you give me that person's number?" Dude, everything is online! Do your homework!

Actually, I think I'm going to start saying that. Perhaps in nicer words.

[KellyHabersham]

Sales reps are definitely one of the frustrating things to deal with in the church office....mainly because they're always trying to promote/sell something which we're not interested in, can't afford, and I have to repeatedly explain that I'm NOT that person who can authorize that sort of thing.

[Seshat]

I love your response to them.

Thank you.

Awesomely cool. I envy you, I wish I could be that verbally clever on the spot. Usually I just get mad, and then think, "I've should have said . . . "

The only reason I remember this one is because it's a rare event for me, too.
Well, that and that my loves applauded me afterwards.

Me: Look, lady, I'm a Satanist! *at this point I drop the blanket. I sleep nude in the summer, which this was*

Lady goes running down the street. Never saw her again

See? Not bad at all.

[Sparky]

Fun With Telemarketer, 1992
Mr. Zoom, what kinds of landscaping are you interested in?
Me: None. I'm a secretary. I'm only in it for the money.
She: !!! (click)

I just cracked up laughing. Bravo. Made my day.

I didn't make it that far. I cracked up at this:

Fun With Telemarketer, 1992

She: Brazen jade laminated polecat landscaping?

[CaroPhoenix]

There was a stand up comic many eons ago (the 1980s ), who did a routine about any salespeople (religious kind, phone kind, windows, etc.) coming to his door:

He'd ask them to take a bath with him. Claimed it made all the unwanted visiters leave. (That and/or asking them to get naked and then taking a bath with him).

Haven't tried that yet.

[Mnemjian]

Update: That same lady from the OP came back AGAIN today! I don't know if she recognized me right away, but I sure recognized her. Before she even started talking, I told her "If you're not here to buy something then you'll have to leave." Several customers turned and stared at her. She turned kind of red and walked away. Hopefully that will be the last of her!

You guys all have such good responses to these solicitor types. If only there was room at my company for "witty solicitor rebuffer" then I would hire you all