How do I keep attracting these people? HOW?

[PepperElf]

PC: *storms off in a huff* I'll never shop here again!

Picky Customer Again: You're humming again! Customers don't like that!

So much for her threat to never come back.

[Tolly]

This would be the time to carry mace or a whistle. That guy who just grabbed you was unacceptable and even IF you worked there it's a NO NO to grab people and drag them! Wow just wow... And btw the doctor's screwdriver? Awesome, I love that show

I might have to make room in my jacket for mace. That was NOT cool.

My mum loves the screwdriver and took it to her new office. Her students think it's the best thing ever.

[Anakah]

This would be the time to carry mace or a whistle. That guy who just grabbed you was unacceptable and even IF you worked there it's a NO NO to grab people and drag them! Wow just wow... And btw the doctor's screwdriver? Awesome, I love that show

[Tolly]

I must have 'Wage Drone' tattooed on my soul or something.

[RealUnimportant]

What, but, what, but... WHAT?

[Tolly]

Before I start, I'm in a kind of odd state employment-wise at the moment. I spent 2011 being sick from pretty much go to woe, although an operation in November seems to have done the job of fixing me up a bit. I'm somewhere between retired and on the medical disability until I get reassessed in a few weeks, and then I'll know what's going on.

So yeah, I'm not working at the moment, haven't been for just over a year, AND I've never worked retail. And yet, this damn Christmas...

EDIT: I cuss a bit. Sorry.

Encounter The First: My Favourite Bookstore, December 21

I'm at a local bookstore, looking through their BBC imports for a special gift for my mum. I spot a sonic screwdriver pen and pounce on it, because it was for getting her doctorate and she loves Doctor Who. That's when things get annoying. A really scruffy woman walks up next to me.

Sucky Bookstore Customer: No need to wrap it for me, I'll take it as is.
Me: Huh?
SBC: *tries to take the screwdriver* I said I'll take it as is.
Me: *yanks back* Hey, find your own! This is a present!
SBC: Yes, for my son!
Me: No, for my mum!
SBC: *tries to take it again*
Me: *steps back and glares*
SBC: FINE! I'll go talk to your manager! Customers come first!
Me: What the hell?
Salesperson Of Win: Can I help you?
SBC: Get your manager! This employee won't give me my screwdriver!
SOW: Actually, she doesn't work here and she did get to it first.
SBC: But she's dressed like you!
SOW: Yes, neatly. Now please leave or I'll have to call security.

Encounter The Second: Local Big-Ass Supermarket, December 22

Shopping for the makings for a light dinner for myself and the parents. (Yeah, I'm staying with them til the medical situation settles, I cook and clean to make rent.) I'm wearing a motorcycle jacket with the Phantasy Star Online logo hand-painted onto it over a green t-shirt and beige pants. The employees wear red t-shirts and black pants.

Me: *picking out vegetables* *humming*
Picky Customer: You shouldn't hum when you're working, you know. It's rude.
Me: *blink* Buh-wha?
PC: Customers don't like it when employees hum! I don't even know what the tune is!
Me: It's the Ambition of the Illuminus theme, now go away.
PC: I'm going to get the manager!
Me: Whatever.
PC: *disappears for a few minutes, then corners me in the meat section with a manager who happens to be a friend of mine* Here! Here she is!
Manager: ...She doesn't work here.
PC: Yes she does!
M: No, she doesn't. She is, however, a regular customer. How are you this week?
Me: Great, thanks. How about you?
M: Pretty well.
PC: DON'T IGNORE ME!
M: Madam, this woman obviously doesn't work here. It's terribly busy, please stop wasting my time.
PC: *storms off in a huff* I'll never shop here again!
M: Sheez.
Me: Amen.

Encounter the Third: Food Court, December 23

By this point, I'm kind of 'wtf' over all this but assuming the world is just being weird. Until...

Me: *eating lunch and playing a puzzle game on my DS*
Nosy Customer: What you playin'?
Me: *blink* Puzzle game.
NC: Shouldn't you be serving?
Me: ...(Oh come on.) Nooooo?
NC: You're so rude, lazing about eating when your coworkers are overwhelmed like this!
Me: ...What ARE you talking about?
NC: Don't you work at the Thai place?
Me: No.
NC: Are you sure?
Me: Are you kidding?
NC: I'm sure I've seen you at the Thai place!
Me: I'm a regular customer, but I've never worked in this part of the city.
NC: Huh. *walks off*
Me: ...WHAT.

Encounter the Fourth: Local Corner Store, December 24

Me: *walks in wearing full bike kit and carrying my helmet*
Fast-Draw Customer: *grabs my arm* Where do I find the chocolates?
Me: *headtilt* Um, last time I was here they were down by the soft drinks.
FDC: Show me! *yanks on my arm*
Me: Gerroff!
FDC: Show me the chocolate!
Me: Buddy, let go right the hell now.
FDC: FINE! I'll get the owner! *bodily drags me over to the counter* GET THE OWNER!
Exasperated Owner: I am the owner.
FDC: *shakes me*
Me: I SAID LET GO!
FDC: Your employee won't show me where the chocolates are!
EO: She doesn't work here.
FDC: Yes she does!
Me: No I bloody well don't!
EO: *hits the button to alert his security service* Sir, I'm calling the police.
FDC: *suddenly lets go* Oh fuck.
Me: I am SO pressing charges.
FDC: *bolts, presumably unaware of the several obviously-placed security cameras*
EO: What the hell was all that about?
Me: I have NO bloody idea.

Encounter the Fifth: Supermarket Again, Christmas Day

Emergency milk run.

Me: *grabs milk*
Picky Customer Again: You're humming again! Customers don't like that!
Me: Oh piss off! *storms off in a huff*

Encounter the Final: Local Cinema, Boxing Day

My friend and I are waiting in line to see Tintin, I'm dressed as Tintin and he's dressed like Captain Haddock. I've literally JUST finished telling him about the whole debacle.

Captain Haddock: ...Thundering Typhoons!
Me: Pretty much.
CH: How have you not started shooting at people?
Me: Because carrying a bow is too unwieldy.
CH: HAH!
Customer Doomed To Fail: *tugs my sleeve* Hey, which way to Gold Class?
Me: ...*blink* (No, no, not again.) I have no idea.
CH: ...*spock eyebrow*
CDF: What kind of customer service is this?
Me: The kind where I. Don't. Work. Here!
CDF: Then why are you dressed like Tintin?
Me: Because I want to marry Captain Haddock, obviously.
CDF: Wait, what?
Me: Please go ask someone else now.
CDF: But I'm asking you!
Me: *whimper*
CH: *shouting* Billions and billions of blistering blue barnacles!
CDF: *backs away* Riiiiiiiight...
CH: If you can't beat them, confuse them into submission.
Me: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

Thank god the movie was good or I may well have wept.