SCs who think they're funny (kinda long)

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

I do a pretty good impression of Ben Stein. Not in his voice, but in his inflection and tone.

I had someone try to get funny with me and his jokes fell flat. This guy was a legend in his own mind when it came to comedy.

When I didn't even change the expression on my face much less laugh at his jokes he asked me "What's the matter? Don't you have a sense of humor?"

In my best Ben Stein monotone I replied "I'm sorry sir. Since our company is now a government contractor we had to have our sense of humor removed. If we were to keep them and use them around the other government drones it might encourage them to develop free will and we would lose our ability to sell to the government. Will this be all sir?"

M

[Andara Bledin]

Ugh! Why do people think their remarks are witty?

I developed a handful of phrases to avoid letting the callers give me smart-alec responses when I was still answering phones.

Things I couldn't say without getting some stupid response at least once a week:

May I ask <whatever>?
Do you have <whatever>?
May I have your <whatever>?

It's gotten to the point that if I start to ask a question that could be answered properly and uselessly I self-edit so that I'm asking directly for their information.

^-.-^

[Getoutofmylobby]

Some jokes i'm tired of:

Which ones are the good porno channels?

Don't they ever let you go home?

Sir how will you be paying for this? I thought you were paying for it (insert condescending nickname here)!!

Will you be rooming with anyone sir? Only if she's a hottie!

There are others but i can't think of them...

[RentalRacer]

Currently my company owns two "brands" but operates out of the same location...so we have both the company names up. Everyone thinks they are funny when they say "Working for two companies, they must pay you twice as much!".

And when I was a cashier, besides the scanning thing, what irratated me most was when you give someone change back they say "Money back, just like Mcdonalds". I don't even know where that comes from, except maybe because until recently Mcd's only took cash, so you always got change back? No matter, it annoyed me to no end.

Oh yeah, and when I would have "new" money in my till having tons of people ask if we had "just made it" was another pet peeve. If I could make fake money would I be doing this job? Probably not.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I wish for the power to make customers who use the following tired jokes vanish into thin air...

1. It doesn't scan? It must be free!
2. You look bored!
3. I'll give you something to do.
4. Heh, made it this morning!
5. Bet you wish now you hadn't dropped out!

Or even the power to make the following replies without getting into trouble:

1. Actually, now I'm adding £10 to your bill cuz you just passed on a chance to be original and not say that.
2. I am bored. Bored of being here when the sun's shining outside. However, I'd far prefer to sit here and clean the till rather than have to deal with you.
3. I've got something to do, thanks. Making paper aeroplanes and opening bags.
4. OK, so can you wait here while I go and report you to the police for forgery?
5. Actually, dumb arse, I completed secondary; passed my GCSEs, went to college, passed my A-Levels, then cuz I didn't want to go to university, I went to another college and did an NVQ. I'm working in retail cuz it suits me and most of the time, cept when I have to deal with cretins like you, I like it.

My answers:
1. Yes; however I must add a moron tax and an un-funnay tax to your bill. That will $278.64 please.
2. And you look ugly. But tomorrow I'll have a more stimulating day.
3. You brought Rachel Harris with you!?!
4. I see that Ol' Abe has the gout.
5. Actually, I wish YOU hadn't dropped out--of a pig's asshole!

[myswtghst]

Quoth Jester
Of course there are the customers that will ask for "a million dollars" or "a bagful of fifties" or "a winning lottery ticket." To these creative geniuses I simply say "If I had that, I wouldn't be asking you if you wanted anything else!"

I get this ALL the time, and I tend to respond the same way: "If I did, would I really be sitting in a call center at 11PM, instead of out having fun?"

Granted, mine usually ask for the winning lotto numbers or a five-pound box of fifties.

We also have one tech who has been out to our site once or twice in the past and went to a bar (The Fox and the Hound) while he was out here. He has now determined this is the only bar in our area, and asks anyone he gets on the phone, anytime they call in, if they're "going out to The Fox and the Hound tonight." I finally told him the other night that the next time he comes to town, we'll take him to a different bar to give him some new material.

[XCashier]

That pisses me off too, just like the people who say "Working hard or hardly working?" Hardy har-har.

How about the dimwit who, upon seeing you sitting on the floor stocking the bottom shelves, says, "Sittin' down on the job again?" Nah, I thought I'd try hanging from the ceiling, but I'm out of web fluid.

[CurlyLocks]

And when I was a cashier, besides the scanning thing, what irratated me most was when you give someone change back they say "Money back, just like Mcdonalds". I don't even know where that comes from, except maybe because until recently Mcd's only took cash, so you always got change back? No matter, it annoyed me to no end.

Well, I guess I'm showing my age here, but I think it's because back in the day McDonalds had commercials that highlighted the fact that you could get a burger, soda & fries and still get back change for a dollar.

[Andara Bledin]

At my last job we had to answer the phone with "******* Staffing, This is *****, How can I make your day?"

The owners, who worked in the office with us, mandated that this was the ONLY greeting we could use.

I'm sure you can all readily imagine the WONDERFUL responses I got....

Ugh! What a lame phone greeting.

I feel for you and anyone else who worked there, I really do.

^-.-^

[Anakah]

I hate it when I am cashing out their chips and when I ask:
How would you like it?
I get this:
SC: Cash. (Insert annoying laugh)


It is NEVER funny to say cash. Ever. Usually after they say that I will hand them whatever I feel like. Which is a large bill because its easier for me. Then of course they ask for twenties.

I asked this guy once how he'd like it and he told me never to ask a drunk guy that question. I kind of stopped after that. Though I did let that phrase slip yesterday and the customer actually started to laugh like I made a huge dirty joke. I rolled my eyes and handed him his money, my way.

[Best Made Tacos]

Ugh, I once got this old guy on the phone try the lamest line:

Me: I'm just entering your details, if you could bear with me....*tap tap tap*

Old Guy: Oh, yeah, I'd LIKE to bear with you....like B.A.R.E if you know what I mean...get it? be BARE with you? Ha ha ha ha!

Me: Polite laugh *mental vomit*

I felt dirty, even over the phone.

[CrazedClerk]

At the end of my calls, I typically ask "is there anything else I can do for you today?"

One particular response that's starting to wear thin is: "yeah you can pay my bill for me!"

Har har, really funny people.

Also at the games store I was at previously, we did a promotion where we gave away a free Gillette Razor with every game purchase (don't ask me what our marketing department was smoking when they came up with this but it must've been GOOD).

So anyway, I would ring up the purchase and say "and you also get a free Razor today" as I dropped it in the bag.

I'm sure you can guess the standard reply from any male customer:

"Oh do you think I need a shave?"

*rolls eyes*

[JustADude]

At my last job we had to answer the phone with "******* Staffing, This is *****, How can I make your day?"

My Verbal Response: Partially cloudy, high in the 60s, with light showers in the evening.

My Darkside's (Silent) Response: Tell me you have an opening for quality testing the service at Mustang Ranch.

Hopefully I've managed not to exactly duplicate something there, though I'm not taking bets.

[Jack T. Chance]

My Verbal Response: Partially cloudy, high in the 60s, with light showers in the evening.

My Darkside's (Silent) Response: Tell me you have an opening for quality testing the service at Mustang Ranch.

Hopefully I've managed not to exactly duplicate something there, though I'm not taking bets.

Only one problem: The infamous Mustang Ranch closed its doors for good at least a couple years ago. These days, you'd have to visit the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, instead!

As for the actual topic... you know who I could do without?

The customers that come into my MATTRESS STORE, and when I ask them "What brings you in to see us today?", they think they're SOOO smart and funny when they think for a moment, then smirk while saying "I'm looking for a new car!" and chuckle at how much they've amused themselves. Of course, I'm immediately thinking "YOU! OUT OF MY GENE POOL! NOW!!!"

Because, after all, only those as super smart as we here at CS.Com are actually QUALIFIED to use sarcasm and irony in the appropriate manner!

[Andara Bledin]

See, you need to change your standard greeting. Asking what brings someone to a store that only sells one thing is almost begging for some smartass response.

^-.-^