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I've been doing this job for a long time, but the last couple days were beyond belief. Among the usual crop of phonetards, there were several customers who were ready for a fight. I've never had so many long, drawn-out battles in such a short space of time. Buckle up, it's going to be a sucky ride and it all leads up to the biggest, baddest, crappiest call I've had in a long time, a customer so vile that her coming was foretold in the book of Revelation.
It begins
CSR: Hi, this is lowly CSR and I have a customer that wants to cancel unless we can give her a free phone. So I told her I'd see if there was anything we could do, but I couldn't make that guarantee. And she's really upset, so just... be careful. I'm sorry.
ME: That's okay. This is what they pay me for. We can see what we can do for her today. Go ahead and bring her through.
*CSR conferences in customer*
CSR: Thanks for holding ma'am. I have Kara on the line and she's going to-
SW: Wait, what? Why do I have to talk to someone else?
CSR: Kara is a specialist for longtime accounts like yours and she might be able to-
SW: I don't know what you're doing! I'm not talking to anyone else! Give me my free phone! I want a free phone!
CSR: Well, ma'am, I-
SW: I want a free phone now! I'm a good customer and you should do what I want!
CSR: ...
ME: Hello, Ms (asshat)?
SW: Hello? Who's this?
ME: This is Kara, and CSR was telling me that you were looking to get a new phone (CSR's line beeps out as she releases the call, likely to go have a good cry, for which I don't blame her).
SW: Yes. My friend called in last month and they gave her a free phone. I've been in service longer than her, I pay my bills, and I'm a much better customer than her. I should get a free phone too.
ME: Well, I see here you just upgraded your phone in January, so you wouldn't be eligible for the maximum discount on a phone at this time. Were you-
SW: That's not fair! I want a free phone! Everyone else gets a free phone!
ME: Ahem. Were you having problems with the phone you got in January?
SW: No, it works fine. But now I want the free one!
ME: Unfortunately there is not a free phone available to you at this time. What phone did your friend get? I can see what discount would be available for it.
SW: The Nokia (X).
ME: Ah. That was a great phone. But, it's been discontinued, which is why we were offering it free to eligible customers. Nokia doesn't make it anymore, but the phone you got in January is much more recent and has more features. So you really-
SW: I want that free phone right now or I will cancel my line.
ME: We definitely don't want to lose you, but there is no way we can get that phone anymore. They may still have it online or at your local stores, but-
SW: Cancel my line right now!
ME: You understand that you will be charged a termination fee if you cancel?
SW: I don't care! I'll go to another service and make them give me a free phone!
ME: But if it costs you our termination fee, their activation fee, and possibly a deposit, then you aren't really getting it free, are you?
SW: Then give me what I want!
ME: Alright, here's the thing. You upgraded in January, which used your discount. Even if I still had that phone, and I don't, you would not be able to get it free. Your friend got it free because she was eligible for the discount at the time she called in. You will not get that phone, or any phone at this time, for free. If you choose to cancel, I'll cancel you right now and you will be charged the fee. It's your call.
SW: *click*
This was my first call on Monday. My first call. There couldn't have been any better omen of things to come if the sun had eclipsed, the clouds burst into flame, and the coffee in the coffee makers turned to blood.
Learn to pay on time
SW: I can't believe you guys shut my phone of for $32! I'm a good customer, I always pay my bill.
ME: Unfortunately, service can be interrupted at any time for a past due balance. The amount was due on 04/19. I see we received the payment on 05/7 and it was restored at that time.
SW: Well, that' not my fault you didn't put the payment in until then. I mailed it on 04/27!
ME: But it was due on 04/19. It was already a week past due when you mailed the payment.
SW: That doesn't matter. It wasn't like I had $500 past due or anything, it was only $32! Your people should have considered that before turning me off.
ME: The system handles it automatically. There's no one sitting at a desk deciding who to suspend and who to keep active. The system reviews your tenure, payment history, and credit before determining when to suspend.
SW: That doesn't make any sense. I paid my bill and shouldn't have been suspended.
Does this work with your cable company? Your electric company? Does this work with anyone? Then why do you think you can pull it on me? If you're so afraid of giving us your bank account or credit card info by phone (I already have your SSN, and the guy who puts in your payment you sent in the mail uses the same system I do to key in the information) and decide to mail your payment, then do it on time.
He Who Cannot Be Named
ME: Could I have the customer's name we're speaking to?
CSR: Uh... If you can pronounce it, I'll send you money or something.
ME: Wow. That name is...just wow.
It boggles the mind how so many consonants can be strung together without vowels.
You Must Really Love Your Sister
SW: The phone on this line doesn't work at all and I want a new one!
ME: Sorry to hear about the problems with that phone. Now, the line just activated earlier this year, but it seems to have an expired warranty.
SW: Well, it's an old phone I dug out of my drawer to give to my sister when she needed a phone. So we got her activated on my account. But now your stupid phone doesn't work anymore.
ME: But you could have gotten her a free phone that would have come with a 12 month warranty at the time she activated.
SW: She doesn't need anything like that. This old phone may be a little beat up, but it's good enough for her. But you guys need to replace it.
ME: Unfortunately, that phone cannot be replaced. We could look at upgrading to a new phone and see what discount she could be eligible for-
SW: I'll just have to cancel both my lines and pay the fees then. This is ridiculous.
You hand your sister an old piece of trash phone you dusted off and get mad at us when it leaves her high and dry? I hope she skins you alive and rolls you in salt for doing that to her.
Grasping at straws
SM: You need to credit my bill. I kept missing calls and that's why I went over my minutes.
ME: You don't get charged minutes if you don't answer the phone, so it didn't use any minutes for missing calls.
SM: Oh. Of course. But... my voicemail. I had to check my voicemail, like, a lot. All the time I was on voicemail getting the messages from the calls I missed. So I used like, all the minutes in voicemail. If your service had given me my calls, I wouldn't have been over from checking voicemail.
ME: Hmm. I see here you used a total of 32 minutes for calls to voicemail. And you had 653 minutes over, so.... No, I don't think that really contributed to the overage.
SM: Uuuuuuuuuuuh.......
You could hear the gears in his head grinding to a halt as I destroyed his clever strategy. Literally, his voice trailed off as he uttered that final attempt to come up with an excuse. Too bad he didn't get electrocuted when he drooled on his phone.
Go away
Dealer: Yeah, uh, I'm a dealer. Actually the district manager, yeah. And, uh, we need to credit this customer's activation fees that were just activated at my... one of my stores today.
ME (yeah right, kid): Sure. As you know, we can apply a credit at the store's request for up to $100. So the $70 for the activation fees can be adjusted.
Dealer: Cool. Oh, and we need to have the credit spread over the course of 12 months instead of all at once.
ME: Who with the what now?
Dealer: Yeah, so uh, it would be like $5 a month. If you could do that, that would be great.
ME: No, that can't be done.
Dealer: But, uh, we need it to apply like that.
ME: All credits are applied at one time. They can't be measured out through a period of time.
Dealer: Uh... Seriously?
ME: Yes. Seriously.
Dealer: Uh..... Hold on.
*Sure, I'll hold while you check with the customer and explain that you can't give them what you promised. But I'm sure you can handle it, Mr District Manager.
Dealer: Uh, ok. So here's the deal. The customer didn't want to pay the extra $10 a month for the feature he wanted, so I told him we could credit him for a year and that would make it $5 a month for the feature. So I really need you to do that.
ME (you could here the smile in my voice): No. I'm afraid we can't do that. If you want the credit, that's fine. But it will be applied at one time.
Dealer: Uh.... ok hold on.
I remember what it's like to work commission. But when you promise something you that you don't even know can be done, you're only shooting yourself in the foot. Doing/saying whatever you have to in order to get the sale bites you in the butt every time. I may not have made as much money as others when I was in sales, but I was honest.
Oh no she didn't
SW: I want to find out why I got this message saying my bill is past due! I pay my bill every month and I called in last week to say I was going to make that payment today! Then I make the payment and you guys have the nerve to send me a message that my bill is past due? I won't stand for this!
ME: Well, ma'am, actually-
SW: Excuse me! I'm not done talking!
ME: (Oh hell no)
SW: I can't believe that after all these years you guys would pull a stunt like this, like I'm just some customer that activated a month ago! I deserve better than this! I will cancel your service and I will make all my friends and relatives cancel too, because they won't stand with a company that treats me this way either! You're going to be sorry! You won't ever think about doing this to me again, believe me! I am a good customer! You should be thanking me, not sending me this s***! F*** you and f*** your company!
ME: ...
SW: Hello?
ME: Yes?
SW: Well?
ME: Oh, I'm still here. I just wanted to make sure you were done, I'd hate to cut you off. Now, if I may speak, what I was going to tell you is that we received your payment today and you can disregard the past due notification. The system sent it before you made your payment.
SW: ...
ME: So you're all taken care of.
SW: Oh. Well, then. Good bye.
I should have faked crying, just to make her feel like even more of an ass.
Mother of the year
SW: I didn't know there would be charges for roaming on the cruise ship! My son got separated from us and I was trying to find him! If I had know there were going to be charges, I'd have tried to find him some other way and not used the phone!
I'm glad to see your priorities are in order. Most people would do whatever they can to find a missing child and the hell with the cost, but not you. I feel sorry for the poor boy.
The Customer From the Blackest Pit of Hell
The customer spoken of in Revelation 17:
So he carried me away in the Spirit into the wilderness. And I saw a woman sitting on a scarlet beast which was full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns. And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet, and adorned with gold and precious stones and pearls, having in her hand a golden cup full of abominations and the filthiness of her fornication. And on her forehead a name was written: MYSTERY. BABYLON THE GREAT. THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND THE ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH.
Customer is transferred to me by Tech Support. Her battery isn't holding a charge, and she needs to have it replaced. But she doesn't want to get the same phone. Of course, she can't be expected to pay for a phone.
SW: I need a new phone! This one doesn't work and I don't like it anymore.
ME: Yes, I understand the battery doesn't hold its charge for very long. That's not a known problem for that phone and-
SW: Look, I've already been over this with the other person. You're going to give me another phone.
ME: I'd be happy to replace your phone through the manufacturer's warranty and-
SW: For the same phone?
ME: Yes, because-
SW: Well I don't want this phone! Why do I want a phone that I know doesn't work?
ME: Like I said, that isn't a known problem with the phone and you shouldn't expect to-
SW: All my friends that have this phone tell me it's bad. So you can't tell me it's not.
ME: Well, ma'am, statistically-
SW: I DON'T WANT THIS PHONE!
ME: Very well, we can look at upgrading to a new phone, though you just upgraded to this phone in February and you wouldn't be eligible for the full discount until-
SW: I don't care about that. What phone are you going to give me?
ME: What kind of phone do you want?
SW: I don't care. Something with a camera. Anything but this.
ME: Okay, we have the Samsung (X) available for you at $49.99 with a 2 year contract, and there's also-
SW: Contract? You can't make me do another contract! I just agreed to a contract already for this piece of sh*t and it doesn't work! And I ain't paying for it, neither. Especially since I keep dropping calls in my home.
*Interlude 1 - We dance circles around the option of upgrading vs getting an exchange under warranty for 10 minutes. She consistently cuts me off and keeps going back to the same points I've already argued about with her. By this point I have begun pacing around the area my headset cord will allow for, a sign to my coworkers that know me that I am getting irritated.*
ME: Alright, ma'am, if you don't want me to replace your phone and you don't want to upgrade with the options I've given you, what do you want me to do?
SW: I told you! I want you to send me a new phone. Not this phone, a different one. And I won't agree to a contract and I won't pay for it!
ME: And I've already explained to you why that is not an option. So, of the options that I have provided to you-
SW: I have been a customer for a long time! I pay my bills, and I don't even complain when my service doesn't work. Then I have one problem and you refuse to help me? What kind of a s***ty customer care person are you? I-
ME: I have already offered to-
SW: DON'T YOU INTERRUPT ME! I can't believe how rude you are! You don't even listen to a word I am saying and you keep interrupting me. How did they ever find someone as bad as you to talk customer service with people?
*Interlude 2 - I stop pacing, clenching my fist and glaring at my screen with a look that would make this pissant drop dead if only I could make eye contact. I sit on my desk with my feet propped on my chair, hands on my knees tapping my fingers together with my head down. Coworkers that aren't on calls lean in, recognizing this position signifies that I am full of rage. We've passed the mark where calls are (usually) scored for quality so now it's on, bitch.
SW: I will cancel my service and you can charge me whatever you want! I don't care! I won't pay it and you can't make me! I'll go to (Competitor) because my friends have them and they don't have these problems. All I want is a phone and you sit there and refuse to help me. You don't care about my problems at all! Oh, but you can bill me every month! All you want is my money!
ME: (silent rage)
SW: Hello?
ME: Are you done?
SW: What?
ME: Are you done talking?
SW: Yes.
ME: May I speak now?
SW: Yes.
ME: Good. Now, let's break this down. Your phone isn't working. For that I am truly sorry. You shouldn't expect that to happen of any phone, and since the manufacturer guarantees it to be free of defect for 1 year, we will replace it with another of the same phone.
SW: I-
ME: ALSO, if you wish to decline your option to replace the phone through the manufacturer's warranty, you may purchase a new phone through our upgrade program at the current discount you qualify for.
SW: You can't-
ME: FURTHERMORE, if you choose to cancel your service, which I will do for you right this moment if you so decide, you will be billed the termination fee. If you do not pay this fee, you will be sent to collections and someday down the road when you cancel your service with your other provider for not getting your way and go to yet another service, the unpaid amount owed to us will be sitting there on your credit and they will require a deposit to activate with them. So I ask you again, what would you like me to do for you today?
SW: None of that helps me at all!
ME: Whether or not you feel those options are helpful to you has nothing to do with me. Those are the only options we have. If you decline those options, there's nothing I can do for you.
SW: Oh, you're such a great customer service! What is your job title?
ME: I am a Customer Loyalty Specialist.
SW: And they made you a specialist when you treat people this way? You sit there and tell people there's nothing you can do to help them?
ME: No, I provided every reasonable option to you. I said that if you refuse those options, there's nothing I can do.
SW: Well those options are f***ing stupid, just like you and your company.
ME: Alright, ma'am, we've been fighting about this for 25 minutes and we aren't getting anywhere. I have other calls that need to be taken today and this is going to have to come to an end right now.
SW: I want-
ME: I've already told you what I can do for you.
SW: I can't believe you are refusing to help me! You don't even care that I drop calls at home, either!
ME: I would love to troubleshoot that issue for you. But you have yet to move past this issue for replacing the phone. I am not refusing to help you, I'm just not giving you what you want. There's a difference. I can't force you to make a decision, and I can't give you a free phone with no contract and no charge. So, once again, I ask: What do you want me to do for you today, of the options that I have provided?
SW: This company is so f***ing stupid! I can't believe you run a business like this! You are going to lose all your customers, then you'll be sorry! This is why all the other companies are so much better than you.
ME: That's funny. We've been ranked #1 in customer service in 5 of the last 5 rating periods by J.D. Power and Associates, which, I might add, the first time we won was the first time they started rating wireless companies, and because we won 2 years in a row, they decided to change it to a quarterly rating instead of yearly to give other providers a chance to win. And we've held the #1 spot ever since. But that's beside the point, isn't it. Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it for you right now. Replace your phone, sell you a new phone, or cancel your service?
SW: This is ridiculous. *click*
Coworker: Damn, girl. You okay over there?
ME: No.
I understand why so many reps drink and smoke. If I had to work a full day yesterday instead of a half day, I probably would have killed the next customer to come on my line.
It begins
CSR: Hi, this is lowly CSR and I have a customer that wants to cancel unless we can give her a free phone. So I told her I'd see if there was anything we could do, but I couldn't make that guarantee. And she's really upset, so just... be careful. I'm sorry.
ME: That's okay. This is what they pay me for. We can see what we can do for her today. Go ahead and bring her through.
*CSR conferences in customer*
CSR: Thanks for holding ma'am. I have Kara on the line and she's going to-
SW: Wait, what? Why do I have to talk to someone else?
CSR: Kara is a specialist for longtime accounts like yours and she might be able to-
SW: I don't know what you're doing! I'm not talking to anyone else! Give me my free phone! I want a free phone!
CSR: Well, ma'am, I-
SW: I want a free phone now! I'm a good customer and you should do what I want!
CSR: ...
ME: Hello, Ms (asshat)?
SW: Hello? Who's this?
ME: This is Kara, and CSR was telling me that you were looking to get a new phone (CSR's line beeps out as she releases the call, likely to go have a good cry, for which I don't blame her).
SW: Yes. My friend called in last month and they gave her a free phone. I've been in service longer than her, I pay my bills, and I'm a much better customer than her. I should get a free phone too.
ME: Well, I see here you just upgraded your phone in January, so you wouldn't be eligible for the maximum discount on a phone at this time. Were you-
SW: That's not fair! I want a free phone! Everyone else gets a free phone!
ME: Ahem. Were you having problems with the phone you got in January?
SW: No, it works fine. But now I want the free one!
ME: Unfortunately there is not a free phone available to you at this time. What phone did your friend get? I can see what discount would be available for it.
SW: The Nokia (X).
ME: Ah. That was a great phone. But, it's been discontinued, which is why we were offering it free to eligible customers. Nokia doesn't make it anymore, but the phone you got in January is much more recent and has more features. So you really-
SW: I want that free phone right now or I will cancel my line.
ME: We definitely don't want to lose you, but there is no way we can get that phone anymore. They may still have it online or at your local stores, but-
SW: Cancel my line right now!
ME: You understand that you will be charged a termination fee if you cancel?
SW: I don't care! I'll go to another service and make them give me a free phone!
ME: But if it costs you our termination fee, their activation fee, and possibly a deposit, then you aren't really getting it free, are you?
SW: Then give me what I want!
ME: Alright, here's the thing. You upgraded in January, which used your discount. Even if I still had that phone, and I don't, you would not be able to get it free. Your friend got it free because she was eligible for the discount at the time she called in. You will not get that phone, or any phone at this time, for free. If you choose to cancel, I'll cancel you right now and you will be charged the fee. It's your call.
SW: *click*
This was my first call on Monday. My first call. There couldn't have been any better omen of things to come if the sun had eclipsed, the clouds burst into flame, and the coffee in the coffee makers turned to blood.
Learn to pay on time
SW: I can't believe you guys shut my phone of for $32! I'm a good customer, I always pay my bill.
ME: Unfortunately, service can be interrupted at any time for a past due balance. The amount was due on 04/19. I see we received the payment on 05/7 and it was restored at that time.
SW: Well, that' not my fault you didn't put the payment in until then. I mailed it on 04/27!
ME: But it was due on 04/19. It was already a week past due when you mailed the payment.
SW: That doesn't matter. It wasn't like I had $500 past due or anything, it was only $32! Your people should have considered that before turning me off.
ME: The system handles it automatically. There's no one sitting at a desk deciding who to suspend and who to keep active. The system reviews your tenure, payment history, and credit before determining when to suspend.
SW: That doesn't make any sense. I paid my bill and shouldn't have been suspended.
Does this work with your cable company? Your electric company? Does this work with anyone? Then why do you think you can pull it on me? If you're so afraid of giving us your bank account or credit card info by phone (I already have your SSN, and the guy who puts in your payment you sent in the mail uses the same system I do to key in the information) and decide to mail your payment, then do it on time.
He Who Cannot Be Named
ME: Could I have the customer's name we're speaking to?
CSR: Uh... If you can pronounce it, I'll send you money or something.
ME: Wow. That name is...just wow.
It boggles the mind how so many consonants can be strung together without vowels.
You Must Really Love Your Sister
SW: The phone on this line doesn't work at all and I want a new one!
ME: Sorry to hear about the problems with that phone. Now, the line just activated earlier this year, but it seems to have an expired warranty.
SW: Well, it's an old phone I dug out of my drawer to give to my sister when she needed a phone. So we got her activated on my account. But now your stupid phone doesn't work anymore.
ME: But you could have gotten her a free phone that would have come with a 12 month warranty at the time she activated.
SW: She doesn't need anything like that. This old phone may be a little beat up, but it's good enough for her. But you guys need to replace it.
ME: Unfortunately, that phone cannot be replaced. We could look at upgrading to a new phone and see what discount she could be eligible for-
SW: I'll just have to cancel both my lines and pay the fees then. This is ridiculous.
You hand your sister an old piece of trash phone you dusted off and get mad at us when it leaves her high and dry? I hope she skins you alive and rolls you in salt for doing that to her.
Grasping at straws
SM: You need to credit my bill. I kept missing calls and that's why I went over my minutes.
ME: You don't get charged minutes if you don't answer the phone, so it didn't use any minutes for missing calls.
SM: Oh. Of course. But... my voicemail. I had to check my voicemail, like, a lot. All the time I was on voicemail getting the messages from the calls I missed. So I used like, all the minutes in voicemail. If your service had given me my calls, I wouldn't have been over from checking voicemail.
ME: Hmm. I see here you used a total of 32 minutes for calls to voicemail. And you had 653 minutes over, so.... No, I don't think that really contributed to the overage.
SM: Uuuuuuuuuuuh.......
You could hear the gears in his head grinding to a halt as I destroyed his clever strategy. Literally, his voice trailed off as he uttered that final attempt to come up with an excuse. Too bad he didn't get electrocuted when he drooled on his phone.
Go away
Dealer: Yeah, uh, I'm a dealer. Actually the district manager, yeah. And, uh, we need to credit this customer's activation fees that were just activated at my... one of my stores today.
ME (yeah right, kid): Sure. As you know, we can apply a credit at the store's request for up to $100. So the $70 for the activation fees can be adjusted.
Dealer: Cool. Oh, and we need to have the credit spread over the course of 12 months instead of all at once.
ME: Who with the what now?
Dealer: Yeah, so uh, it would be like $5 a month. If you could do that, that would be great.
ME: No, that can't be done.
Dealer: But, uh, we need it to apply like that.
ME: All credits are applied at one time. They can't be measured out through a period of time.
Dealer: Uh... Seriously?
ME: Yes. Seriously.
Dealer: Uh..... Hold on.
*Sure, I'll hold while you check with the customer and explain that you can't give them what you promised. But I'm sure you can handle it, Mr District Manager.
Dealer: Uh, ok. So here's the deal. The customer didn't want to pay the extra $10 a month for the feature he wanted, so I told him we could credit him for a year and that would make it $5 a month for the feature. So I really need you to do that.
ME (you could here the smile in my voice): No. I'm afraid we can't do that. If you want the credit, that's fine. But it will be applied at one time.
Dealer: Uh.... ok hold on.
I remember what it's like to work commission. But when you promise something you that you don't even know can be done, you're only shooting yourself in the foot. Doing/saying whatever you have to in order to get the sale bites you in the butt every time. I may not have made as much money as others when I was in sales, but I was honest.
Oh no she didn't
SW: I want to find out why I got this message saying my bill is past due! I pay my bill every month and I called in last week to say I was going to make that payment today! Then I make the payment and you guys have the nerve to send me a message that my bill is past due? I won't stand for this!
ME: Well, ma'am, actually-
SW: Excuse me! I'm not done talking!
ME: (Oh hell no)
SW: I can't believe that after all these years you guys would pull a stunt like this, like I'm just some customer that activated a month ago! I deserve better than this! I will cancel your service and I will make all my friends and relatives cancel too, because they won't stand with a company that treats me this way either! You're going to be sorry! You won't ever think about doing this to me again, believe me! I am a good customer! You should be thanking me, not sending me this s***! F*** you and f*** your company!
ME: ...
SW: Hello?
ME: Yes?
SW: Well?
ME: Oh, I'm still here. I just wanted to make sure you were done, I'd hate to cut you off. Now, if I may speak, what I was going to tell you is that we received your payment today and you can disregard the past due notification. The system sent it before you made your payment.
SW: ...
ME: So you're all taken care of.
SW: Oh. Well, then. Good bye.
I should have faked crying, just to make her feel like even more of an ass.
Mother of the year
SW: I didn't know there would be charges for roaming on the cruise ship! My son got separated from us and I was trying to find him! If I had know there were going to be charges, I'd have tried to find him some other way and not used the phone!
I'm glad to see your priorities are in order. Most people would do whatever they can to find a missing child and the hell with the cost, but not you. I feel sorry for the poor boy.
The Customer From the Blackest Pit of Hell
The customer spoken of in Revelation 17:
So he carried me away in the Spirit into the wilderness. And I saw a woman sitting on a scarlet beast which was full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns. And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet, and adorned with gold and precious stones and pearls, having in her hand a golden cup full of abominations and the filthiness of her fornication. And on her forehead a name was written: MYSTERY. BABYLON THE GREAT. THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND THE ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH.
Customer is transferred to me by Tech Support. Her battery isn't holding a charge, and she needs to have it replaced. But she doesn't want to get the same phone. Of course, she can't be expected to pay for a phone.
SW: I need a new phone! This one doesn't work and I don't like it anymore.
ME: Yes, I understand the battery doesn't hold its charge for very long. That's not a known problem for that phone and-
SW: Look, I've already been over this with the other person. You're going to give me another phone.
ME: I'd be happy to replace your phone through the manufacturer's warranty and-
SW: For the same phone?
ME: Yes, because-
SW: Well I don't want this phone! Why do I want a phone that I know doesn't work?
ME: Like I said, that isn't a known problem with the phone and you shouldn't expect to-
SW: All my friends that have this phone tell me it's bad. So you can't tell me it's not.
ME: Well, ma'am, statistically-
SW: I DON'T WANT THIS PHONE!
ME: Very well, we can look at upgrading to a new phone, though you just upgraded to this phone in February and you wouldn't be eligible for the full discount until-
SW: I don't care about that. What phone are you going to give me?
ME: What kind of phone do you want?
SW: I don't care. Something with a camera. Anything but this.
ME: Okay, we have the Samsung (X) available for you at $49.99 with a 2 year contract, and there's also-
SW: Contract? You can't make me do another contract! I just agreed to a contract already for this piece of sh*t and it doesn't work! And I ain't paying for it, neither. Especially since I keep dropping calls in my home.
*Interlude 1 - We dance circles around the option of upgrading vs getting an exchange under warranty for 10 minutes. She consistently cuts me off and keeps going back to the same points I've already argued about with her. By this point I have begun pacing around the area my headset cord will allow for, a sign to my coworkers that know me that I am getting irritated.*
ME: Alright, ma'am, if you don't want me to replace your phone and you don't want to upgrade with the options I've given you, what do you want me to do?
SW: I told you! I want you to send me a new phone. Not this phone, a different one. And I won't agree to a contract and I won't pay for it!
ME: And I've already explained to you why that is not an option. So, of the options that I have provided to you-
SW: I have been a customer for a long time! I pay my bills, and I don't even complain when my service doesn't work. Then I have one problem and you refuse to help me? What kind of a s***ty customer care person are you? I-
ME: I have already offered to-
SW: DON'T YOU INTERRUPT ME! I can't believe how rude you are! You don't even listen to a word I am saying and you keep interrupting me. How did they ever find someone as bad as you to talk customer service with people?
*Interlude 2 - I stop pacing, clenching my fist and glaring at my screen with a look that would make this pissant drop dead if only I could make eye contact. I sit on my desk with my feet propped on my chair, hands on my knees tapping my fingers together with my head down. Coworkers that aren't on calls lean in, recognizing this position signifies that I am full of rage. We've passed the mark where calls are (usually) scored for quality so now it's on, bitch.
SW: I will cancel my service and you can charge me whatever you want! I don't care! I won't pay it and you can't make me! I'll go to (Competitor) because my friends have them and they don't have these problems. All I want is a phone and you sit there and refuse to help me. You don't care about my problems at all! Oh, but you can bill me every month! All you want is my money!
ME: (silent rage)
SW: Hello?
ME: Are you done?
SW: What?
ME: Are you done talking?
SW: Yes.
ME: May I speak now?
SW: Yes.
ME: Good. Now, let's break this down. Your phone isn't working. For that I am truly sorry. You shouldn't expect that to happen of any phone, and since the manufacturer guarantees it to be free of defect for 1 year, we will replace it with another of the same phone.
SW: I-
ME: ALSO, if you wish to decline your option to replace the phone through the manufacturer's warranty, you may purchase a new phone through our upgrade program at the current discount you qualify for.
SW: You can't-
ME: FURTHERMORE, if you choose to cancel your service, which I will do for you right this moment if you so decide, you will be billed the termination fee. If you do not pay this fee, you will be sent to collections and someday down the road when you cancel your service with your other provider for not getting your way and go to yet another service, the unpaid amount owed to us will be sitting there on your credit and they will require a deposit to activate with them. So I ask you again, what would you like me to do for you today?
SW: None of that helps me at all!
ME: Whether or not you feel those options are helpful to you has nothing to do with me. Those are the only options we have. If you decline those options, there's nothing I can do for you.
SW: Oh, you're such a great customer service! What is your job title?
ME: I am a Customer Loyalty Specialist.
SW: And they made you a specialist when you treat people this way? You sit there and tell people there's nothing you can do to help them?
ME: No, I provided every reasonable option to you. I said that if you refuse those options, there's nothing I can do.
SW: Well those options are f***ing stupid, just like you and your company.
ME: Alright, ma'am, we've been fighting about this for 25 minutes and we aren't getting anywhere. I have other calls that need to be taken today and this is going to have to come to an end right now.
SW: I want-
ME: I've already told you what I can do for you.
SW: I can't believe you are refusing to help me! You don't even care that I drop calls at home, either!
ME: I would love to troubleshoot that issue for you. But you have yet to move past this issue for replacing the phone. I am not refusing to help you, I'm just not giving you what you want. There's a difference. I can't force you to make a decision, and I can't give you a free phone with no contract and no charge. So, once again, I ask: What do you want me to do for you today, of the options that I have provided?
SW: This company is so f***ing stupid! I can't believe you run a business like this! You are going to lose all your customers, then you'll be sorry! This is why all the other companies are so much better than you.
ME: That's funny. We've been ranked #1 in customer service in 5 of the last 5 rating periods by J.D. Power and Associates, which, I might add, the first time we won was the first time they started rating wireless companies, and because we won 2 years in a row, they decided to change it to a quarterly rating instead of yearly to give other providers a chance to win. And we've held the #1 spot ever since. But that's beside the point, isn't it. Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it for you right now. Replace your phone, sell you a new phone, or cancel your service?
SW: This is ridiculous. *click*
Coworker: Damn, girl. You okay over there?
ME: No.
I understand why so many reps drink and smoke. If I had to work a full day yesterday instead of a half day, I probably would have killed the next customer to come on my line.
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