The Tow Files: Some 'Er Crazy This Summer

[MoonCat]

YAY ARGA STORIES!!

And a fine collection of idiots it is, too!

[taxguykarl]

I wonder if "Macho Man" got evicted, too... ...some of these tenant agreements have clauses in them about behavior in the residence and on premises.

If not, he won't have the best working relation with the management who I have no doubt are now looking for just such an excuse

[Kit-Ginevra]

I towed a girl...and I like it....

[wordgirl]

This is.

The best.

Tow Files.

Ever.

And that is saying something.

Argabarga, the quality of your writing is just amazing. MJR is spot on; you totally should write a book.

[mjr]

I wonder if "Macho Man" got evicted, too...if I understand correctly, some of these tenant agreements have clauses in them about behavior in the residence and on premises.

[Pixelated]

Yay, a new selection of towing stories!

I would've loved to see the expression on Macho Macho Man's face when the BI*CH identified herself ... "Ooops ..."

[mjr]

I still think at some point Arga should collect these and turn them into an e-book or a collection of short stories.

And since they continue, he could have "The Tow Files, vol. 1", "The Tow Files, Vol. 2", and so forth...maybe even give them clever names...

[Akasa]

It's always a good day when you post stories

[dalesys]

One - There are no spaces marked on the ground, and tow, ...

...Still not sure if this was intentional or not

The lot signs at Hill Air Force Base South Gate stated:

15 MINUTE
PARKING
TWO AWAY
ZONE

*I* thought they should have been relocated to the visiting team dugout, especially if they were playing Army or Navy!

[EricKei]

Good ta hear from you again, Arga!

One - There are no spaces marked on the ground, and tow,...

Still not sure if this was intentional or not

[Jay 2K Winger]

O frabjous day! Idjits got towed, zoiks AWAY!

[Seanette]

I was thinking just today that we hadn't had the pleasure of a new Tow Files for a while now.

[Argabarga]

There's a natural progression to the seasons that one finds comfort in.

You know it's spring when the flowers and trees bloom, you know it's fall when the leaves change and days shorten, you know it's Christmas when Hans Gruber falls off Nakatomi Plaza, and it's Summer when all the students that can flee from town leaving me with little to do in the towing world since 90% of the lots are vacant.

But that just makes what little you can find all the more special because you get the die-hards. Observe:



Macho Macho Man

I don't know what's causing a large percentage of the population to suddenly try and strap on the extra-large set of fifty pound cojones and confront us as of late. All I do know is it universally causes you to get drug into the gutter scrotum-first when you try it and you just end up looking silly and hurting yourself, so don't do it.

Case in point - when you find that Randy has hooked up your girlfriend's car because you need a permit from Hooverville Reality to park in that particular rental unit's lot, and she doesn't have one, do NOT go on a 15 minute profanity-laced tirade that includes a loud questioning of Randy's sexual preferences, inquiring about the size of certain parts of his anatomy, questioning his current marital status and then his various alleged moral deficiencies for the fact he's a divorcee (spoiler, his wife cheated on HIM)

Also, when your spastic rant makes your girlfriend come outside and join you, do not offer to dent in Randy's head with your fists for "disrespecting" your fair lady.

If you ignore my advice, and actually do the above, know what might happen? You may just raise the attention of the lady working in the office building across the street, who can HEAR you yelling all the way from there because warm weather means she leaves her office window open.

And when said nice lady comes out of her office, crosses the street, and tells you to please keep your voice down and your conversation civil, and not to threaten people just doing their jobs, do NOT look her right in the face and say "And who the F*CK are you BI*CH?"

Beause the answer was "your landlord"

Yeah, Hooverville Reality's office is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from your unit.

You apparently didn't know that.

Well, now you do.

And you also need to find a new place to park.

Because she just revoked YOUR privileges.

AND trespassed your girlfriend off the property upon pain of prompt police intervention should she return.

And the semester just started....

Thinking with the wrong head claims another victim.




You Mean I Can't Put 20 Tons of You-Know-What in a 4 Pound Baggie?


Look, I like you, Global Domination Reality.

At least as much as anyone can like a soulless money-grubbing mercenary institution that James Bond would probably eventually be tasked with infiltrating to prove they really are out to take over the world by escalating tensions between major nation-states to the nuclear brink, but I digress.

The only real problem I've had with you megalomaniacal cat-strokers lately is the guy in charge of your parking.

You know the one.

You must've just recently taken him on because things used to run much smoother under his predecessor, before that poor fellow was dropped down the trap door in your headquarters the leads directly to the piranha tank, presumably for failure to keep yet another 00 Agent out of the lobby.

Well, I don't know where you picked up his replacement from, but you need to take him back to the adoption center and tell them that sadly, this placement is just not going to work out.

Why?

Well, let's see.

About eight times he's called me up and told me that there simply must be some illegal cars parked at the Nickel Street apartment units because tenants are calling in to complain that they have nowhere to park.

So I go down there and indeed find a lot stuffed full of cars. So stuffed full, even the handicapped spaces and fire lanes have cars in them. And that's NOT counting the two cars circling the block with Global Domination permits in them, circling, circling, stalking, much like the angry sharks you fed that last incompetent henchman to.....

Alas, upon checking the lot, I find that everyone present has a permit. So I cannot tow anyone away. Upon calling you back and explaining this, you seem confused. How can there be MORE cars in the lot than fit? Surely SOMEONE must not have a permit.

No they all have permits, valid ones, you just redesigned them, so any old and expired ones would stick out. Everyone here has a permit. Yes, the lot is full. How? Hey, don't ask me, YOU are the one who issued all of them. I think you may have gotten a little too cash-happy and forgot to cut off issuing them when you reached the point where you, well, RAN OUT OF SPACE!

Yes, I'm sure that's the problem.

Nope, I've walked the WHOLE thing, very meticulously, mostly to prove to the circling buzzards out there in the street that I feel for their predicament and am doing my darn best to help. And, every single car in here has a permit, even the ones currently parked in the fire lane and handicapped zones.

Yes, I said you have cars in the handicapped zones and fire lanes, that's how bad it is right now.

What's that you say? You'll issue a complex-wide email telling people to stop parking in fire lanes and handicapped spaces? And that will "fix the issue"?

Uh, well, I'm all for optimism, but something tells me you aren't really GETTING what the problem is over here. But you do that and let me know how it works out.

Spoiler: I stopped counting at TEN of these calls over the next two weeks from this ninny who never understood why ignoring the laws of physics and issuing 80 permits to a lot with 65 spaces was problematic....

Eventually, I just stopped responding, and he stopped calling.

Well, about THAT address.

Seems to be a similar issue over at your Nitpick Street apartment as well. The weedly little gravel patch that's used for the parking over there doesn't work very well when 15 tenants bring their cars instead of the usual 10.

I don't know who didn't cap the issuing of permits at 10 and went all the way to 15 to cause this sad state of affairs, but I have a hunch.....

What's happening now is that the first 10 cars into the lot are parking and leaving quite a bit of berthing room between themselves since nobody really wants to get dings in their doors, or else they'd park closer together.

This usually isn't a problem since there's enough room for 10 cars to scatter themselves about with plenty of comfort zone and not fill up the entire lot.

But, if, say, 15 cars try to do this, it's musical chairs writ large, the last person in will have nowhere to park because the real estate necessary for them is being wasted in small increments here and there between already parked cars.

Ah, but you have a solution. "Tow anyone taking up more than one space"

Excellent idea sir, only two problems with that. One - There are no spaces marked on the ground, and tow, there are no spaces marked on the ground. Now, I realize that was technically the same problem, but it was such a big one I felt obliged to mention it twice.

"You can't tow anyone who just takes, you know, more room than they should?"

*sigh* Remember when I said there were no lines? No lines mean no marked spaces, I have no idea who is parking "right" and "wrong" You know how they need those big white lines at baseball games to determine if a ball is fair or not? Same thing here.

"Just tow anyone who looks like they are taking more than once space"

Yeah, that'll look real good for me, when I end up in civil court, and have to justify why I towed a car that had a legit permit to be in the lot it was in. "Well your Honor, if we were to paint some lines, he'd be outside of them, so that's why I towed him, it was possible he MIGHT be breaking the rule they're THINKING about implementing..... That'll do wonders for me I'm sure. As the Kidz These Dayz (tm) might say: "The optics are bad".

"You can't tow anyone?"

"Not without some LINES on the GROUND. You know? LINES. L-I-N-E-S, like the ones on my face that are getting longer and deeper by the second, or the ones made of cocaine I may start doing to numb the pain. You need to PAINT SOME LINES and then, and only then, can I tow someone for being OUTSIDE THEM. Kinda like how you have to build a bank first before you can charge someone with robbing it..... this is NOT A HARD CONCEPT!!!!

That was a while back.

They never did paint any lines

But at least the calls stopped when spring semester ended and summer began.

Maybe they fed him to the pirahnnas too?

We can only hope.




Wherein I'm a Corporate Raider

If you happen open the paper tomorrow and learn that the police are frantically searching for the person responsible for reducing Uber headquarters to a smoldering ammonium nitrate-scented crater overnight..... well, uh.....If anyone wouldn't mind doing me a solid, you and me was out playing cards that evening, kay? Thanks.

Why? Well, let's just say I'm sick of hearing the following whining refrain that I've been encountering more and more everytime I load up an illegal car that just happens to be flying an Uber flag:

"Hey! You can't tow me! I'm working!"

THat's nice, and, prey (NOT a typo ) tell, how does being an entrepreneur mean you are immune from parking regulations?

It's my understanding you can run a business and still be breaking the law. In fact, some established businesses out there are nothing BUT breaking the law, generally run by either Italians, Nigerians or members of Congress (ba-ZING!) .

So the fact you drive for Uber is no defense against putting your car directly in front of a "No Parking" sign.

You will get humiliated along with the rest of the layabouts who haven't gotten in touch with their inner Adam Smiths.

And what were you doing wandering off anyhow? Aren't your customers supposed to be coming to you if not already be waiting curbside for you? Shouldn't you not have to leave your car and wander away from it? Enabling me to tow it in the first place? I'm pretty sure that's how it works.... and I've never Ubered before or whatever the proper verb is, I'm too darn old to be hip with the lingo. I don't even know what Kidz These Dayz (tm) do for kicks anymore... flirt with a girl? Steal a motorcycle? Help me out here)

Now, I definately know I'm not a businessman, considering I majored in liberal arts, AKA the art of not getting paid a living wage , but even I think it seems kinda silly to risk 100% of your corporate vehicle fleet getting impounded in one fell swoop, but what do I know? I make money just flipping hydraulic switches and driving in reverse all day long.

P.S. - Lyft, you're next!


Wherein I'm Uncompassionate


And how, prey tell, was I uncompassionate?

Did I run a busload of nuns off the road? Nope

Did I set fire to the puppy orphanage, again? Nope

Did I put Kurt Busch and Joey Logano in the same room, tell them to "wait just a minute" and then turn up the thermostat, lock the door, and leave the building? Nope

Okay, so what was it?

I refused to put down an illegally parked car until the owner paid the drop fee and the minor issue of FIVE unpaid parking tickets going back 2 years that were all $50 delinquent whoppers at this point. YEs, all for the same violation and all for the same lot. See? You're getting as seasoned at spotting this crap as I am!

She felt this was completely diabolical, she's just a poor college kid (with a Mercedes ML350 SUV ) who can't possibly just come up with the cash for the roundabouts $300 fine she just got. (if you don't like that total, let me actually tow it back to the impound, it'll go up ) So, the crux of her argument was that I should just "cut her a break" this one time and she promises, really really really promises to never do this again, those five previous violations were just her testing the water...

"That wouldn't be fair to everyone else I've ever towed" said I

"How is forcing me to pay all this money fair?!" said she.

"None of this would be happening if you'd just stop illegal parking" was my response.

At which point I got the Cat Butt Face and a declaration that I needed to "show some compassion" and a "you're mean" Yeah, how silly of me, enforcing the law on someone who'd rather it not be enforced on.

And this is where I would like to get to the point of this story and say something: Parents, if you do not teach your kids manners, don't be surprised if they react negatively when I pick up the slack. My ability to be patient and wait for things to learn how to get with the program on their own was fatigued to death when my beloved Pirates put up 20 straight losing seasons.

Just thinking about that must have given me a case of the crazy man eyes. Because not only did she suddenly decide to pay for everything (I take credit as well as cash) but every single time I've seen that car in the month or so since, it's parked legally at a meter out in the street with a surfeit of time on the clock.

See? Incompassion gets RESULTS!!!! Let's hear it for tyranny!




Wherein I'm Unreasonable

How so?

What Unreasonable demand did I make?

Did I demand a silk purse from a sow's ear?

Float a leaded balloon in front of me?

A microscopic violin to play the world's tiniest symphony on?

(And yes, to the killjoy in the back row already jumping up and down eager to tell me that scientists have indeed already done all these things, so they are not, technically, unreasonable? Yes, you - SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP, you are the reason nobody invites engineering students to parties)

No, what I did was.... towed a girl.

And she felt this was EXTREMELY unreasonable.

Why?

Well obviously because she was the "only car there" (except for the 5 others) and wasn't "doing anything wrong" (except parking in a private lot without permits) it was completely gobsmacking to her that she got towed "for no reason" (except the previous two)

So that made me unreasonable.

Magnitudes of unreasonable.

Several powers of unreasonable beyond "n"

So unreasonable, in fact, upon release she just went back there and parked again.

And got towed again. (Well smack my gob, how'd that happen? )

So she had to walk over to the impound lot for a second time.

This time, it was in a driving rainstorm that caused her to step into the office looking like a cat that just barely survived a drowining.

No word yet on how unreasonable I was for tow number two yet, but I can only assume it's coming......

Oh, and property management called her in for the tow after she ignored 4 warnings to move the car, they were clearly visible scattered throughout the interior, so I know she saw them, she just didn't care.

Who's being unreasonable now? You Hecate-in-training.....




Wherein I Fail to Get Over Myself

Oh look, it's my old pal Nissan Altima. Once more parked in the clearly marked "Tenants Only" lot of Peevy Apartments.

This will be the fourth time I've nabbed this Nissan, because the driver just can't seem to get that he isn't allowed to park at Peevy Apartments and then go have lunch down the block at the Funtimes Cafe' because he lacks a Peevy Parking Permit, a consequence of the fact he doesn't live there.

Well, he "gets" it, but as he's told both myself AND the building maintenence man who keeps calling me to tow him when he returns with his brown bag sandwich to find that yet again, he's been penalized for misparking: "You guys need to get over yourselves".

Okay, we'll try our best on that... But at $90 of your money (drop fees have gone up! ) at each occurrence, it seems like it may be more economical for YOU to get over yourself and realize the law does in fact apply to you, and you are NOT the Sun King reincarnate.

But what do I know right? I'm just the dumb tow truck driver who can't get over himself.

More soon, there's been a LOT of super defectives running around.