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Just when my days were at their darkest....Death to America guy calls again and cheers me right up.
Also, language warning. I am snappish this week for many reasons. =p
Point.
Me: "What size would you like?"
SC: "Oh, I don't know. See I got a medium last time and that was a bit too tight in the shoulders so I'm not sure what size I should get this time. A large might be to big and-<I began zoning out at this point so I'm not sure what else she said.>"
…is there a point to this conversation? I mean isn't this a decision you should have made BEFORE you called me? I'm not sure exactly what you want from me here. I have no idea who you are, what you look like or what your measurements are ( Nor do I want to know ) so I'm in no position to render any sort of advice. So I'll just sit here and sound interested until your finished talking your way through this. A tactic would you remained oblivious to and ultimately succeeded against you.
Point for me.
Mmmkay.
"Let me just log in here on my system and show you what I mean."
Sure, just let me psychically project my mind to New York across the astral plane so that I may observe with my oft heralded phenomenawesome psionic powers. After which I shall fix the problem by snapping my fingers and make puppies with lollipops fall out of your ass and bark the first two verses of "We Are The World".
Asstard
Who calls looking for employment at 1:15am? If only I could relay this stupidity to the client at 1:15am without the client calling to complain that I'm relaying this stupidity at 1:15am. It’s a shame I'm here to act as an idiot foil. Now I can't warn them of your coming thus insuring you remain dwelling within your mother's basement.
Personal Responsibility
( Argh...the audacity of this woman....she actually called me repeatedly two nights in a row so this is the sum of those calls )
Ok, let me see if I have all the facts of the case right here......your utility bill was due last night. Friday night. Wait, no, thats not quite right. They told you they were going to cut your electricity and gas off tonight for failure to pay. Which means it was probably due months ago. You paid the bill at one of our bill payment kiosks at 2am Saturday morning. Past the deadline anyway. Also, you ignored the screen on the kiosk that says it would take 1-3 business days to process because the utility company doesn't process payments on the weekends or after business hours (6pm). You also ignored the receipt which likewise told you it would take 1-3 business days. So your electricity and gas was shut off.
So:
1) Heat and electricity were shut off because you're a friggan loser. You failed to pay on time several times. Received a disconnection notice and then once again failed to pay by the date specified on that notice.
2) You have kids. You did not specify how many but you did inform me, several times, that you have kids and they "Need dem som' lights!".
3) You have company coming over this weekend. For which you "need me som' lights and heat!"
4) You have no heat and no lights and its the middle of winter. It is cold and dark and there are wolves.
Now, all 4 of these items all became MY FAULT somehow over the course of our conversation. I have no idea how but you blamed all 4 of these things on ME rather then take responsibility for your own god damn life. But you did and no amount of logic or reason would make you budge on this delusion.
According to your case notes this is like your 6th call to us too. Though it is the first call where I personally have had the pleasure of speaking with you, you raging douchebeast. In each instance you berated the operator, blamed them for everything and yelled at them. Somehow all of our operators endured this without telling you to go fuck a tree.
Somehow, our techs, out of the goodness of their hearts were nice enough ( Probably for your kids sake. ) to come in on the WEEKEND, on their days off, and put a rush on this payment for you so that it would go through Saturday. They warned you it would be up to your utility company to acknowledge the payment and turn your utilities back on.
The utility company is of course not open today because its the weekend so they did not process the payment and will not send the guy out to your house to turn everything back on on the weekend. This is, of course, once again, my fault and you called yet afuckingain to let me know this. You demanded I make the techs CALL YOUR UTILITY COMPANY and tell them that you made the payment. Despite the fact that even if they did this there's no billing dept in at the utility company today and they will not send a guy out to turn your shit back on on the weekend.
My techs, who according to the case notes were foolish enough to phone you once to tell you what they were going to do for you, have realized what a complete hosebeast you are and have grown tired of dealing with your shit. So they of course refused to do this because not only would it make no difference but they also hate you. So they closed the case. Because the case IS closed.
You did not like this. You phoned me several times Saturday night and Sunday morning to inform me of this and accuse me of theft. So, in closing, in your delusional fucked up little world of blame shifting I am responsible for:
1) Your finances.
2) Your children.
3) Your home.
4) Grand Theft.
Does that about sum it up? Ok, good. Now, I have but one final set of instructions for you to resolve this problem. A closing statement if you will:
Please go to Home Depot and purchase the following items: Sandpaper, Super glue, a hacksaw and a coat rack. Don't worry about how much it will cost. Your finances are my responsibility, remember.
Step 1:
Take the hacksaw and use it to saw through the coat rack. You want to take off the top about half a metre beneath where the first hanger is. This should give you plenty of space to grab it without the hangers getting in the way.
Step 2:
Using the super glue, wrap the piece of the coat rack you cut off in sandpaper. Make sure you get as much of the hanger prongs as you can. It might be a bit tricky but just do the best you can. Cover every square inch if possible.
Step3 :
Grasp the sandpapered rack by shaft.
Step 4:
Go fuck yourself with it.
The Streets of Vancouver
Wow, the freaks are out tonight....
Insane Fistfight Hobo
I don't know who it was you were fighting or why it was right in the middle of Granville station but here's a tip: You're the only one that can see him. Everyone else was just skittering by you in complete terror as you yelled obscenities at your invisible opponent. Also, since none of us can percieve your foe we cannot actually tell if any of your blows have landed on your adversary.
You eventually gave up the imaginary joust you were engaged in and challenged the door behind you to mortal combat.
Bling Bling Biker
You had a nice shiny $300 mountain bike, were covered head to toe in bling bling and designer cloths yet you had the gall to bum for change? You also spoke entirely in gangsta thug speak. After being refused change by everyone you asked you road off down Granville riding your bike like a rodeo bull and slapping yourself in the ass yelling "YEAH MOMMY THAT’S IT!".
I hope you get hit by a bus. Not the normal buses either. The downtown only ones that run off the electric rails. I hope you get hit by said bus coming around a corner and the rails come off preventing the driver from being able to immediately back the vehicle up off of your limp, broken form.
Balloon Animal Guy
I have no idea why you were making balloon animals outside of 7/11. You aren't even a clown or anything. You're just a weird middle aged guy sitting there making balloon animals and offering them to a little girl waiting for the bus with her mom. You chastised the child for saying it was cold by citing the fact you were from Alberta where it's colder. You're creepy and you frighten me.
I expect I will see you on the news within the next week after you expose yourself at a Chuck E Cheese.
Samsung Booth Bunnies
I am not even going to ask why there were 4 of you at 7/11 at 11pm. There are certainly no electronic stores open at this hour nor are there any launch dates, product unveilings or any other such events this evening. I can only assume you got off work 6 hours ago and decided to bar hop without getting changed.
Aren't you cold? ><
Creepy Little Condom Man
You know, you can covertly purchase a box of condoms at 7/11 and no one will bat an eyelash. You can't, however, covertly purchase every box of condoms in the entire store in one huge stack and then wonder why everyone in line is looking at you funny. You also purchased $10 worth of breath mints.
I do not know what you have planned but from a completely objective standpoint you are vastly overestimating your own attractiveness.
Secret Agent Man
( Embassy emergency line... )
Special Agent Jerry would like to get in contact with the FBI agent in our office because he doesn't like his landlord. Special Agent Jerry is not even an American Citizen. Special Agent Jerry was declined for failure to provide sufficient security clearance.
Special Agent Jerry called back 2 hours later and became upset when he realised he was speaking with the same person. Thus he commanded me to "shit your pants!". Sadly, Special Agent Jerry lacks the proper clearance, rank and authority to issue me orders.
Death To America!
Me: "Good morning, <unmentionable US agency>"
SC: "Yeah, how much do they pay you to suck US cock you treasonous whore?!"
Me: "Hmm, about <hourly wage>?"
SC: "…..<hourly wage>?! You should be out working the streets you whore!"
Me: "But it's cold out!"
SC: "*(&$@ you, you (*@$%*%*@ <click>."
Thank you, I needed a good laugh. C'mere and gimme a hug you big lug.
867
( This wasn't even the normal 867 line. It was a wrong number but the caller ID came up as 867. So I braced myself.... )
Me: "Good evening, <company> Helicopters"
( Yes, helicopters )
SC: "…..Helacoppars?"
Me: "Yes, helicopters."
SC: "Oh.....um.....wrong number."
5 seconds later.
Me: "Good evening, <company> Helicopters"
SC: "Oh…uh….I keep dialing the wrong number!"
Me: "Yes, you have the wrong number."
SC: "Uh….I'm calling from the Nunavut."
Me: "…."
SC: "...."
Yes, I know. I recognize that "Genetics has been unspeakable cruel to me" tone in your voice.
That was my weekend. How was your guy's? =p
Also, language warning. I am snappish this week for many reasons. =p
Point.
Me: "What size would you like?"
SC: "Oh, I don't know. See I got a medium last time and that was a bit too tight in the shoulders so I'm not sure what size I should get this time. A large might be to big and-<I began zoning out at this point so I'm not sure what else she said.>"
…is there a point to this conversation? I mean isn't this a decision you should have made BEFORE you called me? I'm not sure exactly what you want from me here. I have no idea who you are, what you look like or what your measurements are ( Nor do I want to know ) so I'm in no position to render any sort of advice. So I'll just sit here and sound interested until your finished talking your way through this. A tactic would you remained oblivious to and ultimately succeeded against you.
Point for me.
Mmmkay.
"Let me just log in here on my system and show you what I mean."
Sure, just let me psychically project my mind to New York across the astral plane so that I may observe with my oft heralded phenomenawesome psionic powers. After which I shall fix the problem by snapping my fingers and make puppies with lollipops fall out of your ass and bark the first two verses of "We Are The World".
Asstard
Who calls looking for employment at 1:15am? If only I could relay this stupidity to the client at 1:15am without the client calling to complain that I'm relaying this stupidity at 1:15am. It’s a shame I'm here to act as an idiot foil. Now I can't warn them of your coming thus insuring you remain dwelling within your mother's basement.
Personal Responsibility
( Argh...the audacity of this woman....she actually called me repeatedly two nights in a row so this is the sum of those calls )
Ok, let me see if I have all the facts of the case right here......your utility bill was due last night. Friday night. Wait, no, thats not quite right. They told you they were going to cut your electricity and gas off tonight for failure to pay. Which means it was probably due months ago. You paid the bill at one of our bill payment kiosks at 2am Saturday morning. Past the deadline anyway. Also, you ignored the screen on the kiosk that says it would take 1-3 business days to process because the utility company doesn't process payments on the weekends or after business hours (6pm). You also ignored the receipt which likewise told you it would take 1-3 business days. So your electricity and gas was shut off.
So:
1) Heat and electricity were shut off because you're a friggan loser. You failed to pay on time several times. Received a disconnection notice and then once again failed to pay by the date specified on that notice.
2) You have kids. You did not specify how many but you did inform me, several times, that you have kids and they "Need dem som' lights!".
3) You have company coming over this weekend. For which you "need me som' lights and heat!"
4) You have no heat and no lights and its the middle of winter. It is cold and dark and there are wolves.
Now, all 4 of these items all became MY FAULT somehow over the course of our conversation. I have no idea how but you blamed all 4 of these things on ME rather then take responsibility for your own god damn life. But you did and no amount of logic or reason would make you budge on this delusion.
According to your case notes this is like your 6th call to us too. Though it is the first call where I personally have had the pleasure of speaking with you, you raging douchebeast. In each instance you berated the operator, blamed them for everything and yelled at them. Somehow all of our operators endured this without telling you to go fuck a tree.
Somehow, our techs, out of the goodness of their hearts were nice enough ( Probably for your kids sake. ) to come in on the WEEKEND, on their days off, and put a rush on this payment for you so that it would go through Saturday. They warned you it would be up to your utility company to acknowledge the payment and turn your utilities back on.
The utility company is of course not open today because its the weekend so they did not process the payment and will not send the guy out to your house to turn everything back on on the weekend. This is, of course, once again, my fault and you called yet afuckingain to let me know this. You demanded I make the techs CALL YOUR UTILITY COMPANY and tell them that you made the payment. Despite the fact that even if they did this there's no billing dept in at the utility company today and they will not send a guy out to turn your shit back on on the weekend.
My techs, who according to the case notes were foolish enough to phone you once to tell you what they were going to do for you, have realized what a complete hosebeast you are and have grown tired of dealing with your shit. So they of course refused to do this because not only would it make no difference but they also hate you. So they closed the case. Because the case IS closed.
You did not like this. You phoned me several times Saturday night and Sunday morning to inform me of this and accuse me of theft. So, in closing, in your delusional fucked up little world of blame shifting I am responsible for:
1) Your finances.
2) Your children.
3) Your home.
4) Grand Theft.
Does that about sum it up? Ok, good. Now, I have but one final set of instructions for you to resolve this problem. A closing statement if you will:
Please go to Home Depot and purchase the following items: Sandpaper, Super glue, a hacksaw and a coat rack. Don't worry about how much it will cost. Your finances are my responsibility, remember.
Step 1:
Take the hacksaw and use it to saw through the coat rack. You want to take off the top about half a metre beneath where the first hanger is. This should give you plenty of space to grab it without the hangers getting in the way.
Step 2:
Using the super glue, wrap the piece of the coat rack you cut off in sandpaper. Make sure you get as much of the hanger prongs as you can. It might be a bit tricky but just do the best you can. Cover every square inch if possible.
Step3 :
Grasp the sandpapered rack by shaft.
Step 4:
Go fuck yourself with it.
The Streets of Vancouver
Wow, the freaks are out tonight....
Insane Fistfight Hobo
I don't know who it was you were fighting or why it was right in the middle of Granville station but here's a tip: You're the only one that can see him. Everyone else was just skittering by you in complete terror as you yelled obscenities at your invisible opponent. Also, since none of us can percieve your foe we cannot actually tell if any of your blows have landed on your adversary.
You eventually gave up the imaginary joust you were engaged in and challenged the door behind you to mortal combat.
Bling Bling Biker
You had a nice shiny $300 mountain bike, were covered head to toe in bling bling and designer cloths yet you had the gall to bum for change? You also spoke entirely in gangsta thug speak. After being refused change by everyone you asked you road off down Granville riding your bike like a rodeo bull and slapping yourself in the ass yelling "YEAH MOMMY THAT’S IT!".
I hope you get hit by a bus. Not the normal buses either. The downtown only ones that run off the electric rails. I hope you get hit by said bus coming around a corner and the rails come off preventing the driver from being able to immediately back the vehicle up off of your limp, broken form.
Balloon Animal Guy
I have no idea why you were making balloon animals outside of 7/11. You aren't even a clown or anything. You're just a weird middle aged guy sitting there making balloon animals and offering them to a little girl waiting for the bus with her mom. You chastised the child for saying it was cold by citing the fact you were from Alberta where it's colder. You're creepy and you frighten me.
I expect I will see you on the news within the next week after you expose yourself at a Chuck E Cheese.
Samsung Booth Bunnies
I am not even going to ask why there were 4 of you at 7/11 at 11pm. There are certainly no electronic stores open at this hour nor are there any launch dates, product unveilings or any other such events this evening. I can only assume you got off work 6 hours ago and decided to bar hop without getting changed.
Aren't you cold? ><
Creepy Little Condom Man
You know, you can covertly purchase a box of condoms at 7/11 and no one will bat an eyelash. You can't, however, covertly purchase every box of condoms in the entire store in one huge stack and then wonder why everyone in line is looking at you funny. You also purchased $10 worth of breath mints.
I do not know what you have planned but from a completely objective standpoint you are vastly overestimating your own attractiveness.
Secret Agent Man
( Embassy emergency line... )
Special Agent Jerry would like to get in contact with the FBI agent in our office because he doesn't like his landlord. Special Agent Jerry is not even an American Citizen. Special Agent Jerry was declined for failure to provide sufficient security clearance.
Special Agent Jerry called back 2 hours later and became upset when he realised he was speaking with the same person. Thus he commanded me to "shit your pants!". Sadly, Special Agent Jerry lacks the proper clearance, rank and authority to issue me orders.
Death To America!
Me: "Good morning, <unmentionable US agency>"
SC: "Yeah, how much do they pay you to suck US cock you treasonous whore?!"
Me: "Hmm, about <hourly wage>?"
SC: "…..<hourly wage>?! You should be out working the streets you whore!"
Me: "But it's cold out!"
SC: "*(&$@ you, you (*@$%*%*@ <click>."
Thank you, I needed a good laugh. C'mere and gimme a hug you big lug.
867
( This wasn't even the normal 867 line. It was a wrong number but the caller ID came up as 867. So I braced myself.... )
Me: "Good evening, <company> Helicopters"
( Yes, helicopters )
SC: "…..Helacoppars?"
Me: "Yes, helicopters."
SC: "Oh.....um.....wrong number."
5 seconds later.
Me: "Good evening, <company> Helicopters"
SC: "Oh…uh….I keep dialing the wrong number!"
Me: "Yes, you have the wrong number."
SC: "Uh….I'm calling from the Nunavut."
Me: "…."
SC: "...."
Yes, I know. I recognize that "Genetics has been unspeakable cruel to me" tone in your voice.
That was my weekend. How was your guy's? =p
Oh Jeebus that made me laugh! My cat is now looking at me weird...But quickly went back to licking himself. Apparently I am not nearly as entertaining to him as you are to me.
I have high hopes.
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