One line wonders

[Spiffy McMoron]

So, you only cover children that were planned???!

Something in my head literally went crunch. Is that normal after reading a post like that, and can I get insurance from you to protect me, should that happen again?

[PuckishOne]

<blink> <sputter> Wha...? <seize> That made a bunch of brain cells run screaming out of my ears and hide.

This is why I so rarely post things that customers say to me in the course of my workday - because I care about the well-being of my fellow CSers. Dips, please accept my most humble apology, and if you need to borrow my brain-cell Dustbuster to get the rest corralled, just let me know.

[Dreamstalker]

Me: You'll be able to log in, but you will not be able to access the internet. Our ISP has a broken cable somewhere in the state.
Twit: Oh, that shouldn't affect me, I use Firefox.

*brain screeches to a halt*
Ebbeh...ow owie ow. I'm not even going to try to puzzle out what that twit's reasoning was...

[chainedbarista]

All my SCs either lack common sense or intelligence.

they also possess low reading comprehension skills/functional illiteracy as well as no powers of observation (gates being closed, closed doors, lights being off, and a twofer: lights off and a closed sign with posted hours).

[friendofjimmyk]

[QUOTE=Dips;28811Seriously. That made a bunch of brain cells run screaming out of my ears and hide. Now I have to spend the rest of my lunch break finding them and coaxing them back into my head. [/QUOTE]

I hate it when that happens, then they're all disorganized for the rest of the day!

[Dips]

"So, you only cover children that were planned???!"

<blink> <sputter> Wha...? <seize>

I think we have a winner!

Seriously. That made a bunch of brain cells run screaming out of my ears and hide. Now I have to spend the rest of my lunch break finding them and coaxing them back into my head.

[PuckishOne]

Had a guy call the other day asking about adding a child to his insurance plan, and he was having a bit of trouble wrapping his head around the notion that insurance plans don't cover children in utero as individuals....

Helpful Explanatory Bit: Once a child is born, it becomes a "dependent" and has individual coverage, but while safely ensconced chez Mom, it falls under her individual coverage. This is pretty much the standard for all private insurance plans in the US. Just so you know we didn't pull this randomly out of someone's arse. Here endeth the Boring Insurance Lesson.

After, oh, Round 4 or so, he said the following, with great indignity:

"So, you only cover children that were planned???!"

[Fera Festiva]

Me: I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
SC: Do you know the right number?
Me: ......<twitch>

I got a similar call the other day - I wasn't even at work. I was home and it was Sunday morning (and the first morning in about three weeks I hadn't had to get up early).

Phone rings:
Me: Hello?
Some guy: Is that the Mayfield Academy?
Me: Nope, sorry, wrong number.
Some guy: Oh - so have they changed their number?
Me: ... ... I don't know... this is my home phone number...

I get -moments all the time at work - I will try and remember some and post them later.

[ArenaBoy]

"Is this the arena?" Doesn't notice all signs saying welcome to the arena etc.

"Am I allowed to go through here?" Asked me this when the SC could see that the gate was closed.

"Is the freeway that way?" I'm sending traffic right to the freeway, there ARE SIGNS!!!!


All my SCs either lack common sense or intelligence.

[AforElephant]

---

We do communications projects for North Africa. This was specifically for Libya.

We had just sent a 9 page offer for a system by fax.

The project manager (a Maroccan) at the other end phoned me up and said:

"Hey, you sent the 3rd page upside down"

After this we were asked to travel to Libya to present our offer. The project manager couldn't speak English very well.

With regards to the antenna masts he asked:

"How tall is an 80 foot mast?"

Me: "........80 feet....more or less 25 metres?"

"How tall is a 40 foot mast?"

Me:".....40 feet....about 13 metres,why"?

"I see that there is a difference of 40 feet"

Me:"..........are you really going to be project manager for this?"

He was - for the whole 4 months....

[Jester]

I may have posted some or all of these before, but they are still funny.

SC: "What kind of fish is the Key West Grouper?"
ME: "Umm....grouper."
SC's husband was trying not to laugh.

SC: "What kind of soup do you have today?
ME: "We have A, B, C, and D."
SC: "So if I get the half sandwich and soup, it has to be one of those?"
Um, what else CAN it be?

[while doing a magic trick]
ME: "Separate the red cards from the black cards."
SC: "How do you know they're all going to be red or black?"
It was so bizarre, from then on, that little incident became part of the trick. I.e.: "I want you to separate the red cards from the black cards. [As they do it...] I did this once, and this lady said, 'How do you know they're all going to be red or black?' Even her FRIENDS looked at her kind of funny!"

[different magic trick]
ME: "Sign your name on the front of the card."
After she does, do the routine, with the end result being my producing the card, signed, from an unexpected place.
SC: "And it's even spelled right!"
Remember, SHE signed her OWN name! That one just hurt....hard.

[while DJing a wedding, this yahoo requested some music, and I was going to get to it, but hadn't yet when he came back.
SC: "I TOLD you to play some country!"
ME: "And I am going to get to it, sir."
SC: "Do you know who I am? I'm the cousin of the bride!"
Me: ...
I had to restrain myself from laughing, or saying "And....?"

And then, of course, there was the stupidest of all, the Upstairs Man, but I have told that story before...if you want to read it, go to the link.

[Dips]

Me: The price is $200.

Caller: Soooo...it's not free?

Analysis:

If Quoted Price [q] > $0, then item is not free.

q = $200.

$200 > $0, therefore item is not free.

Answer to caller's question = yes.

[technical.angel]

Me: You'll be able to log in, but you will not be able to access the internet. Our ISP has a broken cable somewhere in the state.
Twit: Oh, that shouldn't affect me, I use Firefox.

Boss:What's wrong with this machine?
Me: I think it's a spyware infection.
Student who was having her laptop worked on: I take it spyware's bad?
Me: twitch, twitch, die.

Jenni

[Gravekeeper]

Ever had an SC give you one line that just makes your brain seize? You know, where you actually go into shock for a few seconds trying to comprehend how anyone could be that stupid? Here's a few from my callers from my shift reports over the last few weeks...

( For reference I work at an outsourcing call center, we have tons of different companies for clients. )

Me: I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
SC: Do you know the right number?
Me: ......<twitch>

Me: Good Evening, Such & Such Technologies
SC: Yeah, can I get a cab to blah blah.
Me: This isn't a cab company
SC: So I can't get a cab?

Me: I'm sorry, you'll have to call back when the head office is open in an hour.
SC: What time is it in an hour? ( ...what? )

Me: I'm sorry, the office doesn't open until 8am pacific time.
SC: But its 9am already!
Me: ....ma'am, you're in New York.

SC: Your website says it only comes in black and green. Do you have it in navy?
Me: .....no

SC: I accidently jammed $25 into the receipt slot of your machine.
Me: ......( What?! $25 means you had to have wedged at least 2 bills in there. )

SC: My car was broken into, should I call the police?
Me: ....that would be a good idea, yes.

( We handle an embassy and a certain US law enforcement agency. )
SC: Hey, I just wanted to let you know about a potential terrorist threat
Me: .....Ok
SC: Yeah, I found a lighter when I was looking for cigarette butts at the airport. It shoots flame like a foot! You could take over a plane with it. It has some weird chinese characters on it too, it must be chinese mafia.
Me: .....We'll get right on that.

SC: So, what kinda pants you got?
Me: .....!?

SC: I can't go no 3 days without my <omitted> TV!
Me: .....( Then pay your damn bill on time, twit! )

SC: I need an air cooler for my van.
Me: Sir, this is a pharmacutical company. ( Roll down your window? )

SC: We've been trying to reach you all day!
Me: Really? How odd. ( It's 6:45am and I've been here since 11, this is the first time you called, twit. )


Anyone else have any one liners that were so stupid they just stunned you briefly?