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More tales from Textbook Land (And still long...)
Only a few today, but that's because I didn't spend a lot of time on the floor. Oh no, I was in the office calling about more textbook orders, so I had minimal contact with customers. Kind of nice, actually.
Bitching about bathrooms WARNING! GROSSNESS AHEAD!!
Ok, just for the record, we recently had an issue where I came in while we were opening the store and went to use the bathroom. And found blood. EVERYWHERE. I'm talking in the toilet, on the toilet, on the wall, on the stall, on the toilet paper dispenser, and on the in-stall trashcan. If I hadn't seen the feminine products strewn all over after having been used as paintbrushes to redecorate the stall, I'd think a murder had been committed. Upon telling my manager I was then ordered to clean it and I refused, citing OSHA regulations. Besides, I wasn't touching THAT mess period. At the very least I'd need bleach, gloves, booties and a mask. And bleach. Lots and lots of bleach. Did I mention the need for bleach? I said until the place was properly cleaned, I was using the men's room, and I have been. Shocked the hell out of the district manager when I was coming out one day, but that's beside the point.
Anyway, with the Seasonal Rush being upon us, and the recent painting of the bathroom, it was decided they were permanently off limits to customers. And because customers don't understand the words off limits, we have signs on the door saying bathroom is out of order. Well, I'm coming out of the restroom after washing my hands and encountered this arse rag.
SC: I need to use your bathroom.
Me: I'm sorry, sir, the bathrooms are out of order.
SC: BOTH are out of order?! What the fuck were YOU doing in there?!
Me: I was washing my hands, sir.
SC: Then they ARE working.
Me: No sir, the restrooms are out of order.
SC: I just spent $400 in this store and you don't have a place I can take a piss?!
Me: <We have a dumpster out back, shithead, if you're THAT desperate...> I'm sorry, sir.
SC: <walks off, muttering about the tragedy of it all, and then accosts one of my coworkers, ranting at her about how he'd like to know where WE go pee, since girls aren't able to hold it for long.>
Good thing my manager gave me another assignment at the moment, or I'd've gone up and told him if he was really inconvenienced, I'd give him a catheter, free of charge. Sure, I'm not a trained medical professional, but I did a lot of hospital volunteer work, and saw a few procedures. It may take a few tries, but, you know. Seventeenth time is the charm!
The Woes of Web Orders
Dear Disgruntled, yet Incompetent Internet User,
Congratulations! You have placed an order for books online! In one fell swoop, you've ordered, paid, and are now here to pick up your purchase because you selected Customer Pick Up as your shipping option.
Now, I'd like to point out that screaming at us for giving you two copies of the same book is pointless, as we have printed out your order form, and lo and behold, you have selected and ordered two copies of the same book.
Also, screaming that we should have CALLED you and we also should've KNOWN that there's no way you wanted two copies is fruitless. We are not mind readers. We, idiots that we are, believe that you are capable of realizing what you are ordering. As that is not the case, may I be the first to offer my sincerest apologies, and they are as follows:
I am sorry you are a fuckup. I am sorry you do not grasp the concept of online shopping. I am DEEPLY sorry that you have had to poison the atmosphere and frighten some of me newest coworkers with the depths of your stupidity, and beginning their long, long decline of faith in humanity. With that said, I'm also sorry that you're still here, and I'm still trying to explain that when you go clicky clicky with the mouse on books, we're going to charge your card because that's what you indicated you wanted.
May you get run over by our UPS driver, or, should the gods smile on me and grant my wish, may you become the newest hood ornament for our Roadway Freight deliveryman. His silver one is looking a wee bit tarnished. I'm sure you'll do nicely.
Sincerely yours,
LP.
Choice overheard comments that made me giggle
"Why do I have to have a English book! I already KNOW English! It my language, duh!" (Unfortunately, that's an exact quote.)
"Where's your Law & Order section?" (I can hear the doink doink noise in my head!!)
"But the credit card number is written on the post it!! Why would you need to see the card itself, all the info is right there!" (Said the customer who has never heard of identity theft...)
<from a customer in the aisles, talking on her cell phone> "So, I told him we couldn't have sex until I--holy shit! This book is $230!! What? Oh, no, I told him we couldn't have sex because I didn't want to catch a SUV while I'm in school." (please gods, never let her procreate...)
Buybacks...How I Loathe Thee...
SC: What do you mean it's only $54!! I have a quote that says you'll give me $97!!
Me: <Looking over the quote> Ma'am...this was printed two months ago.
SC: And?
Me: ...er...prices have changed since then...
SC: So?
Me: <0.o You're really THAT dense?> So... I can't honor a quote from two months ago. The paper specifically states the quote is only valid the day it was printed...
SC: Fine! <Yanking her books back> Then I'll just go print another one!
Me: <And get the same price I just told you...if you're lucky and our guide hasn't updated between now and then...>
Hehe, she came back a few hours later, refused to come to my station and had my coworker run her buyback. Didn't even make eye contact with me. After she left I asked my CW what her buyback price was.
CW: Oh, she was pretty lucky. I bought the last of our inventory need and gave her $42.
Me: I love you. And Karma, too.
CW: Er...Love you, too, LP...?
Note to Self
When you only have an hour left in your shift and have been driven bat fucking crazy, it's best you not attempt human interaction. Doing so results in you taking the canister of Clorox wipes, flapping the lid up and down as if it were speaking, while singing "Mama's got the magic of Clorox!"
This results in your textbook manager giggling. Considering he's only ever chuckled before, this is a disturbing phenomenon and is never to be repeated. EVER.
<sigh> One more day to go, and then I've got two glorious, wonderful, blissful days off before the REAL fun begins next week, when classes officially start. Start praying for me now, folks. I'm gonna need it.
Bitching about bathrooms WARNING! GROSSNESS AHEAD!!
Ok, just for the record, we recently had an issue where I came in while we were opening the store and went to use the bathroom. And found blood. EVERYWHERE. I'm talking in the toilet, on the toilet, on the wall, on the stall, on the toilet paper dispenser, and on the in-stall trashcan. If I hadn't seen the feminine products strewn all over after having been used as paintbrushes to redecorate the stall, I'd think a murder had been committed. Upon telling my manager I was then ordered to clean it and I refused, citing OSHA regulations. Besides, I wasn't touching THAT mess period. At the very least I'd need bleach, gloves, booties and a mask. And bleach. Lots and lots of bleach. Did I mention the need for bleach? I said until the place was properly cleaned, I was using the men's room, and I have been. Shocked the hell out of the district manager when I was coming out one day, but that's beside the point.
Anyway, with the Seasonal Rush being upon us, and the recent painting of the bathroom, it was decided they were permanently off limits to customers. And because customers don't understand the words off limits, we have signs on the door saying bathroom is out of order. Well, I'm coming out of the restroom after washing my hands and encountered this arse rag.
SC: I need to use your bathroom.
Me: I'm sorry, sir, the bathrooms are out of order.
SC: BOTH are out of order?! What the fuck were YOU doing in there?!
Me: I was washing my hands, sir.
SC: Then they ARE working.
Me: No sir, the restrooms are out of order.
SC: I just spent $400 in this store and you don't have a place I can take a piss?!
Me: <We have a dumpster out back, shithead, if you're THAT desperate...> I'm sorry, sir.
SC: <walks off, muttering about the tragedy of it all, and then accosts one of my coworkers, ranting at her about how he'd like to know where WE go pee, since girls aren't able to hold it for long.>
Good thing my manager gave me another assignment at the moment, or I'd've gone up and told him if he was really inconvenienced, I'd give him a catheter, free of charge. Sure, I'm not a trained medical professional, but I did a lot of hospital volunteer work, and saw a few procedures. It may take a few tries, but, you know. Seventeenth time is the charm!
The Woes of Web Orders
Dear Disgruntled, yet Incompetent Internet User,
Congratulations! You have placed an order for books online! In one fell swoop, you've ordered, paid, and are now here to pick up your purchase because you selected Customer Pick Up as your shipping option.
Now, I'd like to point out that screaming at us for giving you two copies of the same book is pointless, as we have printed out your order form, and lo and behold, you have selected and ordered two copies of the same book.
Also, screaming that we should have CALLED you and we also should've KNOWN that there's no way you wanted two copies is fruitless. We are not mind readers. We, idiots that we are, believe that you are capable of realizing what you are ordering. As that is not the case, may I be the first to offer my sincerest apologies, and they are as follows:
I am sorry you are a fuckup. I am sorry you do not grasp the concept of online shopping. I am DEEPLY sorry that you have had to poison the atmosphere and frighten some of me newest coworkers with the depths of your stupidity, and beginning their long, long decline of faith in humanity. With that said, I'm also sorry that you're still here, and I'm still trying to explain that when you go clicky clicky with the mouse on books, we're going to charge your card because that's what you indicated you wanted.
May you get run over by our UPS driver, or, should the gods smile on me and grant my wish, may you become the newest hood ornament for our Roadway Freight deliveryman. His silver one is looking a wee bit tarnished. I'm sure you'll do nicely.
Sincerely yours,
LP.
Choice overheard comments that made me giggle
"Why do I have to have a English book! I already KNOW English! It my language, duh!" (Unfortunately, that's an exact quote.)
"Where's your Law & Order section?" (I can hear the doink doink noise in my head!!)
"But the credit card number is written on the post it!! Why would you need to see the card itself, all the info is right there!" (Said the customer who has never heard of identity theft...)
<from a customer in the aisles, talking on her cell phone> "So, I told him we couldn't have sex until I--holy shit! This book is $230!! What? Oh, no, I told him we couldn't have sex because I didn't want to catch a SUV while I'm in school." (please gods, never let her procreate...)
Buybacks...How I Loathe Thee...
SC: What do you mean it's only $54!! I have a quote that says you'll give me $97!!
Me: <Looking over the quote> Ma'am...this was printed two months ago.
SC: And?
Me: ...er...prices have changed since then...
SC: So?
Me: <0.o You're really THAT dense?> So... I can't honor a quote from two months ago. The paper specifically states the quote is only valid the day it was printed...
SC: Fine! <Yanking her books back> Then I'll just go print another one!
Me: <And get the same price I just told you...if you're lucky and our guide hasn't updated between now and then...>
Hehe, she came back a few hours later, refused to come to my station and had my coworker run her buyback. Didn't even make eye contact with me. After she left I asked my CW what her buyback price was.
CW: Oh, she was pretty lucky. I bought the last of our inventory need and gave her $42.
Me: I love you. And Karma, too.
CW: Er...Love you, too, LP...?
Note to Self
When you only have an hour left in your shift and have been driven bat fucking crazy, it's best you not attempt human interaction. Doing so results in you taking the canister of Clorox wipes, flapping the lid up and down as if it were speaking, while singing "Mama's got the magic of Clorox!"
This results in your textbook manager giggling. Considering he's only ever chuckled before, this is a disturbing phenomenon and is never to be repeated. EVER.
<sigh> One more day to go, and then I've got two glorious, wonderful, blissful days off before the REAL fun begins next week, when classes officially start. Start praying for me now, folks. I'm gonna need it.
When did they finally get cleaned? Blood smells nasty when it's left to fester.
) and managed to get done in record time. There were only a few people in line when I showed up, but the folx at the counters all had that vaguely harried look to them.
Eric the Grey
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