The dumbest questions from customers

[Kiwi]

we sell a selection of organic flower blossom teas, in a range of flavours.

A lady the other day grabs the box marked "Assorted" as in, an assortment of all of the flavours and asks me dead pan face

Cust: "Are these organic?"
Me: "um, yes they are an assortment of all of the flavours"
Cust: "yes but are they organic like the other flavours"
Me: " yes, yes they are"

my co-worker just about fell out of her chair.... no you stupid woman they specifically put in non organic tea into the ASSORTMENT of the organic tea flavours.....

dont ask me how she survives, let alone has money for organic blossoming flower tea at $12 a pop

[booger]

Me: Hello! *fake smiles and looks at customer all cheery-like*
Customer: Is your register open?
Me: *nods* (thinks: no, I just like saying hello to people with mullets and bad B.O. all the time.)

[AFpheonix]

I've ranted about this multifarious times. People that walk in the door under the giant 24 hour sign, or go through the drive thru, which has another giant sign that proclaims our being here all hours, and of course, those who call us and go through the "Thank you for calling your 24 hour W, located at such and such!", and then ask me when we close. Sigh.....

There was the lady that asked me if we carry aspirin. No, why would a pharmacy have something like THAT?
The people that asked if we had spackle. Do we look like Lowe's to you?
The gentleman who called up specifically to ask what a urologist was. (there's something to do with penises that you don't know? I thought all men knew everything there was to know about those!)
The lady who wanted to know where the non-sterile gauze was so she could pack a hole left from a tooth extraction, and when directed to the sterile stuff (I could make it non-sterile if you'd like, just gotta work up a good sneeze), and instead asked if she could use a feminine napkin instead. Um....sure....

The assortment of coworkers who work on the floor who come back to ask US where stuff goes. I don't stock the floor, I'm probably the LAST person to ask, unless it's a standard item that's been in the same place for forever.

[Amalthea]

SC: I am looking for "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz
(This is one of those books that someone asks for AT LEAST once a week, thus we always have a ton in and I know exactly where it is, so I don't even look it up.)
Me: Sure, it's just over this way. Let me show you.
SC: So...have you heard of this book before?

~~~~~~

Do you know where your bathroom is?
(No, I can hold it for 8 hours)

~~~~~~

Is the paperback cheaper?
(I get this A LOT. My favorite was after I just informed the customer that the hardcover was $30. I wanted to say. "Nope, and if you thought $30 was steep, you don't wanna KNOW how much the paperback costs!")

~~~~~~

And, one of my faves:

THE DAY that Harry Potter book 6 came out--ONLY the most anticipated book of the year, the one that had signs up in every bookstore/grocerystore/whateverstore for at least a month counting down the day it came out, the one I'd had to stay up until 4 in the morning the night before selling to crazy people (although, I'll admit, I'm crazy about it, too)--I had a lady bring it up to me and ask. "Do you have this in paperback?"

[Rapscallion]

Cust: "Are these organic?"
Me: "um, yes they are an assortment of all of the flavours"
Cust: "yes but are they organic like the other flavours"
Me: " yes, yes they are"

Oh, I get this all the time. "It says organic in your catalogue, but is it organic?"

Horrible, horrible flashbacks.

Some of the more amusing memories, however...

Back when I was in retail, the newsagent next to us was ram-raided. For those unfamiliar with the term, a ram-raid doesn't involve male sheep, but instead involves a stolen car driven into the front of a shop so thieves can ransack the place in the space of a minute or two. The emergency builders came and got him a working door with plyboard frontage so he could continue trading in the meantime.

Oh, but the number of people who came in to ask about it, each one clutching a magazine or newspaper in their hands which they'd bought in there... Note that I didn't say 'customers', since they only came in to ask.

"Has he been ram-raided?"

1: "No - one of his paper delivery boys had his bike stolen, so he's having a shelter built for them."

2: "No, it's one of those new eco-friendly conservatories you may have heard about. No plastic or glass that will sit in the ground for generations to come."

3: "No - scientists found that sunlight degrades the quality of the newsprint, so he arranged to have his windows boarded up."

I think I had a couple more as well, but I had people believing all of the above at different times.

Rapscallion

[draftermatt]

When I worked at Quizno's we were the first in the state of Maryland. (We ended up shut down, and someone else opened one in a better location that's doing well).

But since we were new we taped our menu to the sneeze gaurd so people could read EVERYTHING we had.

Everyday I would get "And I'll have fries with that" Quizno's has never, ever had fries. And there is a wall of chips in front of them.

Or "I want a cheese steak" - At this time Quizno's did not have cheese steak subs. (They have since added them obviously). We had a hot roast beef sub.

If the menu is in front of you why would order something not on it?

[RavenStarr]

My light is out in my checkout lane, and the chain is pulled across. A small display is also blocking me off. Any person with just a bit of sense could see I'm closed, Right?

Wrong. A guy comes up and asks "Are you closed. I tell him yes. I'm thinking to myself, No I'm not closed, we're having opposite day at work

A woman comes up to me with a package of ground beef and says "Can you make hamburgers with this? I wanted so badly to tell her: "No you gotta have chicken for that". Instead I just said: "I hear that you can". That was about as close to sarcasm I could get without getting in trouble.

[Hempress]

I've probably posted this before, but I used to work at an amusement park. There is a rollercoaster there called "Sidewinder"...directly from wikipedia

The ride begins with riders being pulled backwards out of the station up a hill by a cable winch. At the top of the hill, the train is released, and speeds through the station and goes through the ride's three inversions, including one cobra roll and a loop. The train goes up a second lift hill and, when it reaches the top, the lift disengages, and the train falls backwards through the inversions, returning to the station.

While I was working attendant one summer afternoon, a guest asked me this. "When will you be putting the second train on?"
My face was pretty much like this in quick succession. I don't even remember what I said to her. But honestly! There will only ever be one train running on Sidewinder! People would die if we put on two trains!

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

Idiot Customer (IC) - So do you sell parts for this computer?

Me (looking it over and seing that it's one of my store's computers) "Certainly sir, this is one of our computers and it's only 4 months old according to the serial plate on the back. What parts do you need?"

IC - Are you sure you sell parts for this computer? I went to Staples and they said that parts for this computer are impossible to find

Me - I'm sure, in fact I just built a machine similar to yours yesterday.

IC - But the guy at Best Buy also said that it's impossible to find parts for it and that I should buy a new computer.

Me - That is not true, they were probably just pushy salespeople who wanted you to drop a grand in their store

IC - No, I'm sure that they know what they are talking about.

Me - And I'm certain that *I* know what I'm talking about regarding *my* product. What part are you looking for today?

IC - I need parts, but the guy at XYZ computers in the mall says that my computer is impossible to get parts for too

Me - Sir, Let me show you. (opening the computer) This motherboard here we have 20 of them in stock. The RAM hasn't changed styles for over a year and shows no sign of changing. (taking him to my demo computer) Here is the same ram at Staples, and at Best Buy and I'll bet my lunch money that XYZ computers has it as well since we buy from the same vendor in north Jersey. Hard Drives are the same as they have been for over 5 years, they just keep getting bigger, the CD-Roms are the same and every other device that plugs into the motherboard has been the same since the Pentium II came out back in '97. I either have the part you need or can order it and get it here within three days. what part do you need?

It turns out that all these people he quoted were telling him that he couldn't be able to find the controller card for his scanner that was older than dirt. I was able to show him that I could get him his scanner, but it would be cheaper to buy a USB scanner. Would also be a better and faster one as well.

He did and in the end he was happy...but damnit, just tell me what you need and I can find it 99% of the time and listen to the sales people...they were telling him to get a new scanner not a new computer.

Mongo

[HawaiianShirts]

He did and in the end he was happy...but damnit, just tell me what you need and I can find it 99% of the time and listen to the sales people...they were telling him to get a new scanner not a new computer.

That's a relief. I would be concerned if Best Buy and Staples and the like were telling the guy to get a new COMPUTER when his old scanner wouldn't work. I work at such a store, and we are instructed to help the customer get exactly what they need for their specific situation, although we should never discourage them from buying more than what they need if that's what they want.

Dumb customer questions! I have dumb customer questions! Here's a sampling.

Customer: (After taking a lap around this large electronics retailer) So, where's your patio furniture?

Caller: (After listening to our phone menu listing Computers, Appliances, Home Theater, Car Audio, etc.) Can you connect me with your Electronics department?

Customer: I need a wireless card for my computer.
Me: Okay, is that a desktop or laptop computer?
Customer: What do you mean?

Customer: I need to upgrade my RAM.
Me: Okay, is that for a desktop or laptop?
Customer: It's a desktop.
Me: And do you know what size or speed you need?
Customer: Just regular RAM.
Me: Are you looking for a 256mb, a 512mb, or a 1gig stick?
Customer: Uh, 512, I guess.
Me: And do you know if that's PC133, PC2700, PC3200, or DDR2? Do any of those numbers sound familiar?
Customer: No. I just need RAM.
Me: I know. I'm trying to figure out which type to get for you. If I get the wrong type, it won't work, and it could damage your system (I know this is unlikely, but I have seen it happen, mostly due to customers trying things they shouldn't).
Customer: I don't see why this is so hard! I just need RAM! Just regular, normal RAM!
Me: RAM doesn't come in "regular," sir. I need to get you the right type. How old is your computer?
Customer: Can you find me someone who actually knows what they're talking about?

Customer: I brought in a CD of my pictures. Will this scanner print them? (Asked while placing the CD label-down on the glass of a flat-bed SCANNER, not a PRINTER.)

Customer: (Approaches me while I'm on the phone, processing an internet subscription for one customer, and having another customer fill out the standard form for our service contract on the laptop he was buying) Are you busy?

Customer: (Looking at a computer package) What software does it come with?
Me: (Explains basic software package on a Windows XP Media Center system.)
Customer: Any pre-loaded porn?
Me: Uh... no... sorry.
Customer: (Genuinely disappointed) Oh. 'Cause that's what I want the computer for. Do you know where I can get some good computer porn?

And one from my call center days...
Caller: (On the order line for Pro-Activ acne treatment) I got a lotta warts on my feet. Will this stuff treat that, too?

[Dreamstalker]

A car pulls up, drives through the PITCH BLACK suburb, into the PITCH BLACK gas station, and stares at us while we sit in the dark playing cards with torches. For several minutes. We stare back....
His gears eventually clicked into place with the above question....

"Are you open?"

That happened a number of times at the bookstore during one particularly bad summer; power outages all over town. Yes, it's broad daylight. No, you can't shop. Do you see any other customers? No? Why do you think that is, then?

Customer: Any pre-loaded porn?
Me: Uh... no... sorry.
Customer: (Genuinely disappointed) Oh. 'Cause that's what I want the computer for. Do you know where I can get some good computer porn?

Wow. Bold little SOB isn't he?

"Computer porn"...that's what my mom called an all-motherboard-review issue of one of my computer mags

[TNT]

"Is this Tuesday?"

Those are always fun. I've had two calls that almost made my head explode while trying to find a polite answer...

Caller: Why did you take my programs off? Every channel has nothing but cartoons on it. [Already I knew this call was going to be unpleasant... I work for cable, yet for some reason, people believe we (and I, by existential responsibility) control everything about television.]
Me: What programs were you looking for?
Caller: Talk shows, like Regis and Tony Danza and Jerry Springer.
Me: It's Saturday... they're not on today.
Caller: It's Saturday?
Me: Yup.
Caller: Are you sure?

******

Caller: When I ordered cable, I distinctly remember setting up the appointment for Friday between 7 and 12 noon. I came home this afternoon and found a note on my door saying the installer had been there this morning. What are you trying to pull? I clearly remember the appointment being for Friday.
Me: Yes, the appointment is for Friday. And... um... as luck would have it, today is Friday.
Caller: No.
Me: Yes.
Caller: You're kidding.
Me: I never kid about the days of the week. I take that stuff seriously.
Caller: It's Thursday. I know it's Thursday.
Me: It's Friday. Really.
Caller: I have to check my calendar... [rummages through paper]. You must think I'm really stupid.
Me: No, I don't. [Yes, I did] Mistakes like that are easy to make. [No, they're not.]

*****

Alas, I have to confess to something... this happened a long time ago at the Port Authority Bus station in New York City.

Me: The 5:06pm bus to Great Barrington... what gate does it leave from?
Clerk: Gate 8.
Me: Thanks. And what time does that bus leave?
Clerk: [looks at me as only a New Yorker can...]
Me: What?
Clerk: Try 5:06pm.

[phillippbo]

"Computer porn"...that's what my mom called an all-motherboard-review issue of one of my computer mags

*Gasp* Those computers aren't even wearing chassis! You can see their bare circuits! (Futurama reference - I know, I'm such a geek.)

While I was working attendant one summer afternoon, a guest asked me this. "When will you be putting the second train on?"

I would have been sooooo close to saying "Just as soon as you get on the ride, ma'am. And as a bonus, you get to ride all by yourself!" She'd have probably felt all special.

(Evolution takes too long, I believe in helping out natural selection as much as possible.)

As far as stupid questions, you should work technical support (what I'm thinking in parentheses):

"I need to change my password, do I click where it says 'change password'?"
(no, doofus, click where it says "activate webspace" - we do try to trick you after all)

"Do I type my password in the box that says 'password'?"
(I'm not making this up, honest)

"Do I have to type my password/login/whatever?"
(no, use your obviously vast mental abilities to spirit the letters into the blank)

"My cable modem is smoking and spitting sparks, what do I do?"
(leave it plugged in until the curtains catch fire, then call the fire dept from the phone in the house - don't go to the neighbor's, that's just what the fire expects you to do)

"What's a 'power cord'?"
(it's technical jargon meant to confuse and frighten you - now, just go jump around the big, black monolith for awhile)

Or just in general customer service:

"Why's my bill so high?!"
(because we are inconsiderate enough to charge you for the services you ordered - note the bill is the same as always, this usually means there's a past due balance)

"Isn't there an appointment for today?"
(no, they are super-secret appointments we save for close, personal friends, famous people, and people who know the word of the day - do YOU know the word of the day?)

"Is your service always this bad?"
"Is it normal for the service not to work?"
"Does everybody have to call about this?"
(yes - in fact, I have no idea why anybody would bother to order services from us at all - it's so bad they can't pay me enough to use them!)

[Note: the power is out, the customer told me their power is out & the TV will not power on] "Why's the cable not working?"
(because like all modern technology, it runs on a magic we call 'electricity' and without it the moving-picture box can't get anything - incidentally, if your power is out how do you know?)

[I just told them to turn the TV on] "How do I do that?"
(make a food sacrifice to the technology fairies - whatever you do, don't hit the button marked "power" because that's the last thing we need for you to have!)

I could probably go on, but I'll leave it at that for now.

[dragonflygrrl]

The cellular carrier I work for also sells data cards for wireless internet. Someone decided to list our store in the phone book under "wireless internet providers," and at least three times a week I have a variation of this call (my thoughts in parentheses a la Phillipbo):

Me: Thank you for calling [cell phone store], my name is dragonflygrrl, how can I help you?
Cust: Hi, I have a question? (No kidding? Thanks for clarifying. I was thinking maybe you called to sing a song, or recite a poem, or maybe make a political statement.) *this pronouncement is followed by several seconds of silence*
Me: Ok, what is your question?
Cust: I need internet. (Still waiting for the question. )
Me: Do you need internet for a laptop or a desktop computer?
Cust: Ummmm...I'm not sure. How can I tell?
Me: Is it a small computer that you carry with you, or a big computer that you leave at home? ( I swear I can't make this stuff up)
Cust: Oh, I see what you mean! It's a desktop/laptop/whatever.
Me: Does your computer have a PCMCIA slot?
Cust: Derrrrrrrr......Does it matter? (No, I asked you an absolutely irrelavant question to test your reflexes.)
Me: Yes, if you don't have that slot, you can't use our internet service.
Cust: *acting offended* Well why not?!
Me: Um, because you can't put the data card in your computer?
Cust: I thought this was wireless internet.
Me: It is wireless internet.
Cust: Then why do I need a card. Can't you just send the internet to my computer?

I actually had a guy bring in his entire system because a coworker told him to "just bring in your system and we'll check to see if you can use our data card." The guy brought not just the tower, which would make sense, but also the keyboard, monitor, printer, mouse, and speakers.

[Spiffy McMoron]

Customer: Any pre-loaded porn?
Me: Uh... no... sorry.
Customer: (Genuinely disappointed) Oh. 'Cause that's what I want the computer for. Do you know where I can get some good computer porn?

Remember the good old days, when you had to go to a sketchy truck stop and buy an issue Hustler? Now it's archaic... I'll at least give him some respect for at least being honest enough to come out and admit what he was using it for though...

Thought of some more:

Them: What size of skates does my child need?
Me: Well, what size of shoes do they have?
Them: Does that matter?

*In the XYZ aisle*
Them: Hey, can you tell me where to find X, Y, and Z?
Me: All around you...

Them: What's the difference between these two brake pads? (Pointing to a $25 set and a $60 set)
Me: Well, they'll both fit on your car, but the $60 set will last longer, and shorten your stops compared to the $25 set.
Them: But they'll both fit my car?

*To get to the parts desk, you must walk past the wiper blades*
Them: Where are the wiper blades? (Dumb question)
Me: Right behind you...
Them: Oh, OK. What size do I need for my car? (Smart question)
*I ask them for their information, and I punch it into the system*
Me: OK, you need 20 inch wiper blades. What style and quality do you want?
Them: What do you mean there are different kinds of wiper blades? (Back to the dumb questions)