The dumbest questions from customers

[Lace Neil Singer]

IC: "What's non fat yoghurt?"
Me: "Uh... yoghurt without any fat?"

Tho I seriously had to stop and just gasp at the idiocy of the question for a few seconds first.

[orcprincess]

Cust: (reading coupon): "25% off favorite item of your choice"
Cust: So I get 25% off my order?
Me: Only if you order one item.
Cust: So it's only 1 item?
Me: Yes.
Cust: It should clearly state that on the coupon then.
Me: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. ok.

[Rapscallion]

"If I buy this bottle of orange juice, how long will it take me to drink?"

Rapscallion

[BlaqueKatt]

got this gem monday((I work for a wireless phone company)-"do we get free minutes on Colombus day?" Um no-(please go away we do not appreciate your idiocy)

BlaqueKatt-weeping for humanity

[Pagan]

"What's a 'power cord'?"
(it's technical jargon meant to confuse and frighten you - now, just go jump around the big, black monolith for awhile)

In a Stanley Kubrick way or a Mel Brooks way?!

Back when I was at the Victoria's Secret call center, I had a woman call on 24 Dec that I could not get convinced that, yes, the next day was Christmas, and, no, you're not going to be able to get next day delivery (before UPS and USPS started doing it)!

Had a guy the other day asking when the next Harry Potter book was going to be out. I told him he would need to talk to JK Rowling about that, since she wasn't done writing it yet.

Another book gem -

Old Fart: When is JRR Tolkien going to write something else?
Me: Um, he's not.
Old Fart: Well, why not? He should he's really popular now....and rants for another minute or so.
Me: Well, sir, he's been dead for 30 years. So, unless he's figured out how to write from beyond the veil....
Old Fart: He's dead? Really?

And two of my all time favorites:

Don't you sell videos? (Asked while looking at the Video Dept that takes up the entire side of the store!)

Greeting when the automated part of the phone picks up: Thank you for calling Hasting's located on the corner of Wyoming and Montgomery.
Greeting when we pick up after the automated part: Thank you for calling Hasting's on the corner of Wyoming and Montgomery.
SC: Yeah, where are you located? (Maybe third time's the charm?)

[Pagan]

Just thought of another one from Victoria's Secret. Genius calls up and asks what color black is! Thought about telling her about the total absorption of the light spectrum, but I would have gotten in trouble.

[Jester]

Me: You sir, are an idiot. (and yes, I said that. Management cracked up)

Classic!

If the menu is in front of you why would order something not on it?

*sigh* Haven't you figured out the answer to that one yet? Because customers are idiots! I have worked in the food service industry for an embarrasingly lengthy time, and I have had countless people attempt to order stuff that is not only not on the menu, but not even in the restaurant, or even stuff you would expect to find in that kind of restaurant!

Caller: It's Thursday. I know it's Thursday.
Me: It's Friday. Really.
Caller: I have to check my calendar... [rummages through paper]. You must think I'm really stupid.
Me: No, I don't. [Yes, I did] Mistakes like that are easy to make. [No, they're not.]

I have to disagree here. I know I am not the only one that sometimes thinks it's one day when it's another. It happens all the time to tons of people. Hell, George Carlin even has a riff on it. That, to me, is not that embarrassing. More embarrassing to me personally is something I did once while writing a check. Now, we all know that in January, quite often we will put down the year that just ended as part of the date rather than the year that just started. Easy mistake to make. Well, this one time in question, I filled in 1989 for the year. Problem was, it was 1995!

I actually had a guy bring in his entire system because a coworker told him to "just bring in your system and we'll check to see if you can use our data card." The guy brought not just the tower, which would make sense, but also the keyboard, monitor, printer, mouse, and speakers.

Okay, when it comes to technology, I am an idiot. I admit I am an idiot, and when it comes to things like this where I know I am an idiot, I will generally approach the store staff with the opening line of, "Hi. I'm an idiot. Can you help me?" Usually gets a laugh, and they understand where I am coming from, and that I am not there to be an ass. But even *I* would know not to bring in all the accessories if I need the system checked out! (I never have to bring it anywhere, though, as my roommates are computer geeks! Man, it's going to be tough once I move back to Arizona!)


On to stupid questions from my own customers, and I am going to be kind and leave out the stupid tourist questions......

WOMAN: "What kind of fish is this Key West Grouper?"
JESTER: "Um.....grouper?"

WOMAN: "What kind of soups do you have today?"
JESTER: "We have [the soups for that day]."
WOMAN: "So if I get the half sandwich and soup, it has to be one of those?"

MAN: "Do you serve breakfast?"
JESTER: "No, we don't. Just what's on the menu."
MAN: "Can I get some breakfast anyway."
JESTER: "Yes, but not here."

CALLER: "Do you deliever?"
JESTER: "No, we no longer have delivery service."
CALLER: "Well, can I get delivery anyway?"

CUSTOMER: "Do you have any tuna fish?"
JESTER: "No."
CUSTOMER: "Are you sure?"

FATHER: "Can we get a hamburger for our son?"
JESTER: "I'm sorry, we don't have hamburgers." [This was a fine-dining restaurant, and while we had a kids menu, there was no burger on it.]
FATHER: "Can't you just make one?" [Um, not without ground beef, pal.]

CUSTOMER: "Do you have bathrooms?"
JESTER: "No. We discontinued them."

CUSTOMER: "Is there meat in your meat sauce?"

CUSTOMER: "Can I get a nonalcoholic mudslide?"
JESTER: "Sure. We call them chocolate shakes."
[This happened very, very often at the Red and White Striped Place.]

During a festival, while running a street bar, which had only three kinds of beer (prominently displayed) and Absolut vodka, Jack Daniels' whiskey, and Bacardi rum, also all prominently displayed....
GUY: "Do you have Hennessy?"

From the brewpub...

MAN: "Can I get a Miller Lite, please?"
JESTER: "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have Miller Lite. The only beers we sell are the ones we make ourselves, which are listed on the beer menu right *here*."
MAN: "Oh, okay. In that case, can I get a Coors Light?"

From my days in the hotel call center, I remember one time when Hurricane Andrew was bearing down on Florida, we were booking our hotel rooms throughout that state faster than you could believe. Finally, the whole state was booked for our hotel. Callers who called for hotel rooms in FL after that were pretty much out of luck with us.

JESTER: "I'm sorry, we have no rooms at any of our locations in Florida."
CALLER: "Not one?"
JESTER: "I'm afraid not."
CALLER: "What about Orlando?"
JESTER: "Yes, Orlando is booked solid." [As is the rest of the state. As I just said. Why would Orlando be any different?]

From my friend, who used to work on a glass bottom boat, from a customer who was on said boat.....

CUSTOMER: "Where's the glass bottom?"

From doing magic...

JESTER: "Now, separate the red cards from the black cards."
WOMAN: "How do you know they're all going to be red or black?"

And of course, the ultimate in stupidity, The Upstairs Man:

UM: "Do you have an upstairs?"
ME: "Um....yes...." [looking at the clearly visible upper level, which was just up the stairs in front of which we were standing]
UM: "Where is it?"
ME: "Um.....right there." [pointing at said clearly visible upper level]
UM: "How do I get there?"
ME: "Um.....walk....up.....the stairs?"
UM: "Okay, thanks." [walks away]

[Kitten in the box]

I hear some of the DUMB ASSED questions all the time: SC-stupid customer Me-me

Sc- Oh, are you guys all in casual dress today?
Me- Looks down at shirt and jeans *thinks* Uh...yes? this is casual work day today.

Sc- Do you guys carry freeze dried flies? (keep in mind this is a grocery store)
Me- *blinks at the sheer stupidity of the question* ...no...
Sc- Why the hell not??!!
Me- This is a FOOD store NOT a pet store
Sc- Oh...

Sc- *reads signs that we close at a certain time on a holiday* You guys close at this time?
Me- *groan* yes.

Sc- *after seeing the automatic door open and let people in* Are you guys open yet?
Me-

[Dreamstalker]

Old Fart: When is JRR Tolkien going to write something else?
Me: Um, he's not.
Old Fart: Well, why not? He should he's really popular now....and rants for another minute or so.
Me: Well, sir, he's been dead for 30 years. So, unless he's figured out how to write from beyond the veil....
Old Fart: He's dead? Really?

So that's where that customer ran off to! Wait...mine was a woman. Dear Gord no, yours bred?!

CUSTOMER: "Do you have bathrooms?"
JESTER: "No. We discontinued them."

CUSTOMER: "Is there meat in your meat sauce?"

Eh...bwuh?! *fizzle*

[pbmods]

Our photo kiosk just got some updated software the other day, and now customers no longer have to come to the counter to put their order into our system. Now they enter their own info, as well as select their pickup time.

One of the quirks about selecting a pickup time is that the system basically presents four options: the first option is the earliest possible pickup time (how early depends on what our work queue looks like), then two hours after that, then four hours and finally 24 hours after the earliest pickup.

About once every couple of days a customer will ask me, "Do I have to pick one of these times? What if I can't be here then?"

Good-naturedly, I respond with, "It's OK. It's not like milk; they won't go bad."

As a credit to the human race, I have yet to have to elaborate on that statement to any customer.

[Dips]

CUSTOMER: "Where's the glass bottom?"

[raises hand]

OH! I know!

[points to window]

It's right there, sir. After we get out to the reef, all the passengers and crew stampede to that side of the boat and tip it 90 degrees so you can view the reef. Sometimes it takes a few attempts if we don't have a full complement of passengers or if they are small in stature. One time we had a class field trip of first graders and it took about 20 tries to tip the boat.

[thegiraffe]

Alas, I have to confess to something... this happened a long time ago at the Port Authority Bus station in New York City.

Me: The 5:06pm bus to Great Barrington... what gate does it leave from?
Clerk: Gate 8.
Me: Thanks. And what time does that bus leave?
Clerk: [looks at me as only a New Yorker can...]
Me: What?
Clerk: Try 5:06pm.

That's not so horrible - You think of the 5:06pm bus as the number or whatever, not so much the time. I can't count how many people want to know the date to write on their checks on the 4th of July - they think of it as the name of a holiday, not as a date. It's all in how it's stored...and I'm gonna stop before I go into some cognitive psych babble haha. But you get the idea.

[thegiraffe]

My light is out in my checkout lane, and the chain is pulled across. A small display is also blocking me off. Any person with just a bit of sense could see I'm closed, Right?
A woman comes up to me with a package of ground beef and says "Can you make hamburgers with this? I wanted so badly to tell her: "No you gotta have chicken for that". Instead I just said: "I hear that you can". That was about as close to sarcasm I could get without getting in trouble.

At my store, we only have lights, and these little plastic slide things that come out of the side of the conveyor belt that say 'closed'. I try to have someone pull the closed sign out when I'm going home or on break and there's no one coming to relieve me, but I don't always get that chance. It's amazing how many people don't pay attention to the (bright) light that is off... I hate kicking people out, but....I have to go home or on break!!

A woman comes up to me with a package of ground beef and says "Can you make hamburgers with this? I wanted so badly to tell her: "No you gotta have chicken for that". Instead I just said: "I hear that you can". That was about as close to sarcasm I could get without getting in trouble.

See, that would work with some of our regular customers. I'm really lucky to work in an environment where sarcasm isn't really frowned upon...as long as it's good-natured. We'll even have customers join in on 'bashing' specific employees...in front of them of course. The philosophy of the management is that if we're having good-natured fun, the customers enjoy shopping more, stay longer, and buy more. It's so true too - we have people pass 7-8 other stores to come to ours because they know they'll get good service. Some of them even pick on the staff, and wonder what's wrong if we don't fire back a smart remark or roll our eyes at them. I feel your pain, Raven, but there ARE some places where that'll work!

[lordlundar]

[raises hand]

OH! I know!

[points to window]

It's right there, sir. After we get out to the reef, all the passengers and crew stampede to that side of the boat and tip it 90 degrees so you can view the reef. Sometimes it takes a few attempts if we don't have a full complement of passengers or if they are small in stature. One time we had a class field trip of first graders and it took about 20 tries to tip the boat.

I love that!

Okay, I have a couple. first was when I was manning greeter at the electronics store I work at:

Where's your electronics department?
Actually said: Can you be more specific?
Wanted to say: turn 90 degrees to your right, take 10 steps foward and your there.

One when I work in the software department. Now this area is half way into the store, and our Home Theater department is the only further one away. I was putting away some stuff at the back end of the department at this time.

"Are you open?"

[Spiffy McMoron]

CUSTOMER: "Can I get a nonalcoholic mudslide?"
JESTER: "Sure. We call them chocolate shakes."
[This happened very, very often at the Red and White Striped Place.]

Now, I'll have to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. To me, a mudslide is equal parts Kahlua and milk. Maybe he was wondering if you had/could use a nonalcoholic version of Kahlua or a Kahlua flavouring. If he was ordering a nonalcoholic version of a highball or a simple mixed drink ("I'll have a virgin Ceasar, barkeep" or "I'll have a rye and Coke. Hold the rye.) then I would have to say that the guy is an idiot.