The Asshole Tax

[Slytovhand]

1% per second it takes you to find your credit card... after all, you've just rung me to pay for something over the phone... why weren't you ready with it?

1% per second it takes you to check your car's licence plate number.. multiplied by the number of years you've possessed that car... (gonna be awefully expensive if you still don't know your own plate after 15 years! )

1% per second it takes you to "figure out where the hell you were" conversation...surely, you have some vague idea of where you were in this city?? You know, north, south, east or west??? Even a suburb's name?? No?? Damn, that trip's starting to get rather expensive, isn't it??

5% per sign they drove past... when they tell you "But I didn't see any signs". (should work for other things as well... "Where's your XYZ" as they stand under the sign..)

100% per time you think the law doesn't apply to you, and to just do it!!!!

200% for finally accepting it's their own fault... after a rather long and tortuous battle (why does it cost so much?? It's cos you use it so much... no, we aren't ripping you off... here's the proof... now cough up!)

eta: dumbass tax... 20% for asking if you can use an EFTPOS card over the phone!

Oh, btw, personally, I think the change timer tax should be starting at about 20 seconds... there shouldn't be that long a need to hunt for change.

[Parrothead]

1% per second it takes you to check your car's licence plate number.. multiplied by the number of years you've possessed that car... (gonna be awefully expensive if you still don't know your own plate after 15 years! )

You should add something for failure to remember your vanity plate, too.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Let's see what I wish I could get away with the Kitty . . .

A 10% surcharge for every time someone has a overflowing buggy full of items and then just shoves the EBT card in my face after I give them the CASH total. Your'e not that special, Princess. Besides, it's bad manners to not tell someone before the total is given - that way, we can give you the CORRECT total. And if your card doesn't swipe, then just open your mouth and tell us . . . no need to just be mute about it.

5% surcharge for holding up the line because you're writing out your check longer than it took our forefathers to write out and sign the Declaration of Independence. An additional 1% charge will be amassed for each customer behind you over 2 who are waiting to get checked out and who could have all been gone by now had you not been moving slower than a turtle on Valium.

20% surcharge for anyone who thinks it cute to ask "Are you open" even if the light is on and I'm scanning out customers. You're not that funny and I don't think you'd even get past the audition stage for Last Comic Standing . . .

Surcharge depending on age difference (similar to Boozy's) for guys who think it's okay to flirt or hit on me. Take your overwrinkled, sunparched leathery butts and overgreased hair to somewhere more appropriate for that sort of behavior (like a BAR maybe) and stop deluding yourself. You're not that cute . . . in fact you're older than my parents (Ewwwwwwww) and not all the Viagra in the world will change the fact that I'm not that desperate. Come to think of it, my toys are more attractive than you and have more personality.

Better yet, go audition for a horror movie . . . I'm sure you'll fit in nicely. You might even be mistaken for Vincent Price's stand-in.

10% charge for spening more than 30 seconds on my HBA aisle "just browsing" (ie, picking up various items and then putting them anywhere else BUT where they belong) and making a general mess.

First off, it makes me think you're looking to shoplift . . . especially if you basically turn down my offer to help you find something in particular and just begin rummaging like you're looking for the lost treasure of the Sierra Madre or somesuch.

Second, it creates more mess for me to have to straighten. I'm used to having to pull stuff to the front when it starts selling down, but having to pick up half a zillion items and putting them back b/c some lazyass moron decided they didn't want something and couldn't be bothered to move 4 or 6 steps to put it back where it belongs is another matter altogether. I'd hate to see what you do at home. Better yet, not only should you get the surcharge at the register (and that's variable for how much of my aisle you decide to destroy) but I should be allowd to have directions to find your home and come in and do the same thing to you.

an additional 25% surcharge will be added if you have children who are tearing up the aisle/climbing the shelving/rolling around in the floor, etc. and you are paying no attention whatsoever. A further 10% screaming surcharge will be added as well if your child can be heard throwing a tantrum 5 miles away.

Turn about's fair play, after all.

5% Selective Hearing surcharge for any time I tell you where something is and you don't pay attention or wander off in the OPPOSITE direction. Not only have I told you exactly where on the shelf it is, but I've also pointed. It's obvious you need to retake Kindergarten and learn about something called "Following Directions."

A 10% "Everytime I come you don't have X in stock" charge will be issued whenever I have to be called up front b/c we're out of something. Chances are I've talked with you before on the matter and you just didn't believe me when I tell you the warehouse is out of the item and all we can do is order it until it either comes back in or they tell us it's discontinued. I can't pull one out of my ass . . . and if I did, you probably wouldn't want it anyways.

A 10% surcharge added for anyone who asks me if I work in another department when I'm clearly not in the department at all (such as the meat department when I'm passing by with a cart full of totes to either get to the back room or to stock on the HBA aisle) when you are too lazy to walk 3 paces to press the buzzer beside the door and large window where you can SEE someone back there cutting/wrapping/cleaning. Not my fault you can't use logic. You'll have to go buy some.

That's all I can think of for the moment.

[Bella_Vixen]

20% Every time you act as tho it's us who control the petrol prices.

Been through that for 5½ years. I'd make that at *least* a 50% tax...

[edible_hat]

when you try and convince me to give you my employee discount (which we do not get anymore anyway)

I give people the employee discount as soon as they ask. An offer of zero percent off usually gets the kind of look they give you when you don't laugh at "it didn't scan so it must be free".

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I give people the employee discount as soon as they ask. An offer of zero percent off usually gets the kind of look they give you when you don't laugh at "it didn't scan so it must be free".

I get those on rare occasion. And usually they'll have that same look too: head kinda cocked to the side and looking at you like you're stupid.

And we don't get an employee discount either. We pay the same thing the customer does, even with our store discount card.

[VComps]

An improper vehicle tax, $20 for each item I'm unable to fit your vehicle, payable directly to me.

As someone who sells big-screen TVs, I'm all over this. But I suggest a refinement:

$20 for each item I'm unable to fit into your vehicle, payable directly to me; OR:

$50 for each item I'm unable to fit into your vehicle after I've advised you in the store that the items will not fit, but you insisted on having me try anyway, PLUS: $10 per minute spent trying to shoehorn the thing in anyway.

[Andara Bledin]

$20 for each item I'm unable to fit into your vehicle, payable directly to me.

I was actually almost guilty of this when I bought my 32" TV.

This was at a Costco, so I had to worry about getting it in the car on my own. Now, I'd have thought a full sized 4-door sedan would be adequate. I was almost completely wrong.

So, the back doors don't open quite far enough to use them to store the TV. The trunk is far too shallow (), and you can't get the TV box into the back seat by dropping the passenger seat, either. It turns out, however, that if you put the TV in the front seat, you can then tip it over the seats (wedging past the steering wheel) and drop it into the back seat in that manner.

Being spacially aware individuals, Nekojin & I managed all of this in about 10 minutes total to go through all of that and get everything settled.

^-.-^

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Babysitting fee: $25 if I have to tell your kids to quit running around/jumping on the furniture/squirting ketchup and mustard packets on each other/yelling "fart" or "booger" for no reason in particular/just acting like a bunch of over-caffeinated cheetahs on speed

Multiplied by ten if you yell at me for daring to ask your pweshuss widdle angels to stop acting like a bunch of fuckdumplings.

Ambiguity tax: $5 for asking me if we have "that thing, that connects to this other thing, it's red I think...no wait, maybe black. Anyway do you have it?"

(Thanks Khiras)

Sloth tax: $20 if I catch you leaving your empty shopping cart loose in the parking lot instead of putting it away in the corrals provided.

Heh heh, all these taxes and fees I'm proposing. I feel like such a politician!

[BethB]

I've thought about adding a fee...a $200 fee to pay for my therapy for looking at your nekkid pictures. Say it with me...DIGITAL!!!!!

On that note maybe I should tack on 10% for every butt I see. 10% for every cheesy pseudo-gang sign with duck lips pic. 15% for every off-center attempt made to get that perfect "I'm kissing my BF/GF!" pic. and finally double charge for each pic over 2 that is made of your stupid engagement ring!! Yes, it's pretty. Yes, you will show the world in person. NO, the entire world does NOT want a copy to frame. Seriously. Make more than 2 copies and you're just filling the world's landfills that much quicker.

But....I wil give discounts to baby evil eyes(red eye) cuz they're kinda funny and any awesome pics taken from foreign countries. we like to play the "where did you go on vacation" game. Today it was an African safari.

[Teysa]

Since I'm not a cashier and I'd want some of this money myself, I'm going to use dollar amounts.

$5.00 for answering 'how are you doing today?' with 'eggs!' or something similiar.
$5.00 for yelling for help across the aisle instead of walking the few feet to me and asking where something is.
$5.00 for looking at me like I insulted your mother when I greet you.
$5.00 for asking 'do you work here?' when I'm wearing the store uniform and working
$20.00 for demanding help when I'm obviously off the clock. (nametag off, book and purse in hand, and doing my own shopping.)

[Bella_Vixen]

just acting like a bunch of over-caffeinated cheetahs on speed

That's great. I'll have to remember that one.

[Slytovhand]

Ah... more to the list after tonight...

200% surcharge because you don't even know your own name! (I don't care what you want to be called, if I ask for your name, I want your name... you know, the one you opened your accont with... "Bob" is not the same as "Robert", and "Cheryl" certainly isn't the same as "Su Lin"). This charge increases by the number of times I have to ask you for 'your name'!

100%.. yep, auto doubling of the price, because the first thing out of your mouth is not "Hi, how are you?" or something similar, but "I'll give you my rego", or "I'll give you my account number". Sure, it's a social construct, and thus is fairly meaningless, but don't treat my like a damn robot!

500% (cos I feel like it) for trying the "But it wasn't like that before"... when it's always been like that from day 1! (ok, I'll drop it a bit if things change... but it goes back to that value if you bitch about it! That's the way it is now, sunshine - deal with it!)

And... let's say... $20 payment direct to me if I'm about to log off, and your call drops through $50 if I'm urgently trying to get off the phone... like get a coffee, or something...

[Dreamstalker]

50% if I detect you picking my brain with the intent of fixing [issue] on your own when it's clear there's no way in hell you are capable of doing so...didn't you just say you couldn't do it yourself and that's why you called me? Upped to 70% if said fishing expedition is with the intent to call the guy down the street who got his A+ from a crackerjack box.

$2 for each time I need to re-explain something, upped to $10 if you immediately do the exact opposite.

$50 for fixing results of the above. Each time this cycle repeats itself gets another $10 tacked on.

$10 if you ask me "how do I do XYZ" within five minutes after I just explained it (may stack with either or both of the above two depending on my mood and the exact offense)

$20 per "economy" card or variation thereof. Upped to $100 if you make the implication I should provide my services for free (you want free support, learn how to do it yourself).

And of course, the ambiguity tax. $10 to start, this increases based on the time it takes me to figure out WTF you actually want (also increases if you try to argue that I couldn't possibly be right).

[Megg]

I love this thread! If only ...

upped from 200% after I realized some people would actually pay that price

If that money was going directly to me, I would be their personal shopper for 200% of what they spend. They would be dressed well.

$20.00 directly to the cashier for every time you say, "Why do you need the stupid card? They should just give everyone the lower prices!"

(I saw someone do that yesterday, in a different line, lucky for him! )