The Asshole Tax

[Mr Hero]

Lame Joke Tax - 1% + Additional 1% for each time you've heard that today.

That tax didn't get rung up so it must be free.

[WhiteRose]

physical threat tax: 50% of total purchase per threat (including previous threat-tax additions)

Insult tax: 25% of total purchase per insult, direct or indirect

Grimy money/body odor tax: mandatory purchase of soap and use of hand-sanitizer before being rung up

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Back in the Bad Old Days of Kinkos, we actually DID add on an Asshole Tax, and we called it exactly that.

We had enormous control over what we charged...I mean, yeah, there were set prices for things, but there was also flexible prices based on the difficulty of some jobs. And what a lot of customers didn't realize was that there were prices based on the difficulty of some customers.

In many cases, this was as simple as a job coming through the door that seemed easy, but due to our experience with the customer, we knew would snowball into a clusterfuck that would end up costing us time and money. So we'd stick extra charges on there.

Bring in racist propaganda, and boy, you'd be better off doing that job in self serve. If you could find someone behind the counter to do it, and good luck with that, it would end up costing you so much money we probably should have droped a tube of KY into the bag for you.

Don't think of it as revenge, think of it as self-preservation. And in the case of the offensive content, well, dirty jobs pay more. That's just economics.

And before anyone accuses us of scamming or stealing, we actually did have some sky high prices posted on the wall for various things that we rarely ever enforced. Like "paste up" or "special handling." We would not normally charge you, say, 25 bucks a pop for a paste up, even though that was the posted price.

But man, it was nice to be able to trot that price out if we had to. I charged this one broad something like 300 bucks for a paste job, and it was totally legit and above board. It's just that I would have waived most of it if she hadn't been such an asshole.

[KellyHabersham]

For the library, I'd love it if we could fine customers, say.....$1.00 for every book/magazine/puzzle piece (the latter being in the children's area) they leave lying around on the tables or shelves for staff to clean up.

A few other things which I wish we could charge a fine on library cards for - returning foul-smelling items in the bookdrops, returning 30+ items at once and then bitching that it doesn't get checked in instantly, smelling like you've either pooped your pants or bathed in condiments at a hot dog stand,...etc.

[Imogene]

200% tax for every utterance of "It didn't have a price, it must be free"- No, now it's double.

Simple, severe

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Well, I should probably clarify that we did not charge our "tax" for minor offenses like saying dumb cliches or whatever. Annoying, yes, but we past and present Kinkoids have incredibly thick skins. You could get away with quite a bit an still not get taxed. No, you had to work hard at it to get charged an Asshole Tax. But once you did, it was something that would just compound itself. You piss off the string of Kinkoids working your job, and they all add their "little extra", your bill could be pretty out of this world.

Especially if you also managed to piss off the cashier.

[Astrokitty]

Love it!

I love this idea!


5% for every "so-and-so will do it cheaper."

10% for every sample you send in that smells like it contains rotten eggs.

50% if it's so dirty I can't suck it up with a pipet!

You want a rush with no notice? That's 100%. Don't like it? I know a lab that does 300%, (seriously).

25% if I have to dig through a mixture of ice and dirt to find your bottles in the cooler you send; 5% more if you call and ask where your cooler is before we even have it unloaded.

These taxes are due and payable to the grunts/associates/lowbies.

[Snowbird]

25% tax for the "I don't interact with peons, escalate me immediately" attitude.

50% if said supervisor/manager/opposite gender sends SC back to previous peon to answer a simple question. (How much is this?)

100% if sup/mgr/OG sends SC back to previous peon to answer a detailed question they themselves couldn't answer.

500% tax if SC comes in with a list ten miles long during Christmas madhouse rush, expecting to find a personal shopper. (upped from 200% after I realized some people would actually pay that price )

[fireheart]

Mine are fairly straightforward...

10% for every sexist comment I hear from you. Does not have to be about me, it can be about another coworker, or about the opposite sex in retail in general.
5% for every time we tell you where a certain item is, we're right, but you still want us to take you to it anyway.
5% every time you leave a bag behind, come back the next day and complain that you have to go and get the items yourself! (You're replacing them for free, we do not hold them overnight, we also do not always have the time or the manpower to recover 346573 items)

[Racket_Man]

100% tax for EACH instance of the "My pizza looks disgusting my kids will NOT eat that" even though it looks the same as all the others we make and looks exactly the same as the last 2 replacement pizzas we sent out

300% tax for making the statement "why is delivery time SOOOOOOOO long?????" during a blinding snowstorm

500% tax for every instance of a known scammer trying to get free stuff or a heavy discount for a really really lame reason.

100% tax when you try and convince me to give you my employee discount (which we do not get anymore anyway) in addition to the great coupons you supposedly have.

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

The Economy Tax: 10% anytime you use a phrase akin to "In this economy...".

[4love]

5% for every time you try to tell me where the book you want "should be" located.

We will charge you 30% of your original purchase for every way you try to 'stretch' our return policy. Outside of 2 weeks but want me to put it back on your credit card? Trying to tell me 'the babysitter has the receipt'? Demanding signed notes from management giving you permission to do a (probably fraudulent) return in the future? Yeah, that adds up to 90% tax, and be glad you're getting anything, you raging #@$%#%!!!

The Act-Your-Age-Tax-Act: customers will be charged a 1% tax per year difference between their behavioral age and the age on their driver's license. If you're 80, but acting like a bratty little 5-year-old, expect a 75% tax, you jerk.


Y'know, this is kinda therapeutic.

[Lace Neil Singer]

50% For anyone who's rude, abusive or tries to hit on any of the cashiers.

20% For anyone who demands assistance pumping petrol, but rather than being disabled/injured in any way is just being a lazy arse.

20% Every time you act as tho it's us who control the petrol prices.

10% Extra added on to the above if you act as tho it's me alone.

50% If you show up at closing time and act like an arse.

10% For waiting in line and being impatient. Also given to anyone who turns up during busy times and whines about the wait to be served.

20% For bitching about shop items that we don't have in stock.


This is fun. XD

[Jacen]

You will be taxed 1% for every 10 seconds beyond 60 seconds it takes you to count out your coins if choosing to pay with change, especially if the cashier can see bills in your wallet. The tax will be multiplied by the number of people in line behind you. Example: The lady (with a wallet full of twenties) who took 3 minutes to count the change for her purchase today would be charged a 36% tax (12 ten-second periods, multiplied by three for the number of people waiting for her to finish).

To be fair, we should get a 1% discount for every 10 seconds beyond 60 seconds it takes the cashier to count out our change or to call for more change.

Usually they are fast but...

[Lace Neil Singer]

Also...

20% For anyone who pays with a twenty for a packet of chewing gum just to get change. My till isn't a magic change machine, in fact management halved the change we get every week. -.-