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Hello, I am Hyena Dandy. Freelance Tarot reader.
I read Tarot cards. Not a bad gig, I average about twenty dollars a reading. Now, I am a freelance Tarot Reader. This means I draw cards, put them on a table, and tell you what they mean.
As I said. My job is Tarot Reader.
I do not have the following jobs
GPS Device
Again, Neither Mrs. Smith nor Mr. Waite ever thought to give me a list of locations in your house. And therefore, I cannot find pentagram necklace. Really. I'm very glad its silver. I'm excited that you got it from your best friend you've known for the last fifteen years. And I am positively ECSTATIC that you got it when you joined your coven. Really, words cannot express my joy for you.
However I can only hazard a gue...
Oh, good, you found it under the couch.
Diagnostician
Whether the problem is as simple as a cough or as complex as your leg spontaneously doubling in size, the cards do not have a degree in medicine. Not even pre-med. And therefore they cannot tell me the name of your disease. Call a doctor.
Computer Repairman
Similar to the cards not having medical degrees, they also do not have computer science degrees. They cannot figure out why your screen keeps freezing up. And though I can hazard a guess that the dot on your screen that won't change color is a stuck pixel, I can't tell you whether or not your warranty covers it.
Landlord
The floorboard in your apartment creaks whenever you step on it? Well, its a bit hasty to think its ghosts. Before assuming someone was killed on that spot, you may want to replace the wood. Have you called your landlord?
You have not. Well, there's your problem.
Detective
Its a shame someone stole your brand new hoodie. I grieve with you. However, I cannot tell you who stole it. Presumably someone with terrible fashion sense, as camouflage patterns do not look good in pink. If I can be honest, as a dandy, I feel the thief has done you a favor... But as distressed as I am about your loss, I regret to inform you that my cards do not provide me with names. I use pretty basic Rider Waite Smith meanings, and sadly neither Mrs. Smith, nor Mr. Waite thought to at any point provide a way of using the cards to spell out the perpetrator of this dastardlyfavor crime.
Emergency Dispatcher
Well, this one was short enough, and I never got a name, so I guess I shall call this customer Knife Guy
KG: Knife Guy
HD: Me
KG: Help! I've been stabbed! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!
HD: Have you called 911?
KG: OH MY GOD YOU'RE A GENIUS!
That's me. Always thinking one step ahead. By the way, I keep records. You're NOT a previous customer of mine. So why the Sam Hill would you call ME when you've been stabbed. And why the hell would you even have this number? Did the mugger leave it?
Hmmm... A thief steals someone's hoodie, then someone gets stabbed. Two consecutive calls within two hours of each-other. There may be a criminal conspiracy against me.
I read Tarot cards. Not a bad gig, I average about twenty dollars a reading. Now, I am a freelance Tarot Reader. This means I draw cards, put them on a table, and tell you what they mean.
As I said. My job is Tarot Reader.
I do not have the following jobs
GPS Device
Again, Neither Mrs. Smith nor Mr. Waite ever thought to give me a list of locations in your house. And therefore, I cannot find pentagram necklace. Really. I'm very glad its silver. I'm excited that you got it from your best friend you've known for the last fifteen years. And I am positively ECSTATIC that you got it when you joined your coven. Really, words cannot express my joy for you.
However I can only hazard a gue...
Oh, good, you found it under the couch.
Diagnostician
Whether the problem is as simple as a cough or as complex as your leg spontaneously doubling in size, the cards do not have a degree in medicine. Not even pre-med. And therefore they cannot tell me the name of your disease. Call a doctor.
Computer Repairman
Similar to the cards not having medical degrees, they also do not have computer science degrees. They cannot figure out why your screen keeps freezing up. And though I can hazard a guess that the dot on your screen that won't change color is a stuck pixel, I can't tell you whether or not your warranty covers it.
Landlord
The floorboard in your apartment creaks whenever you step on it? Well, its a bit hasty to think its ghosts. Before assuming someone was killed on that spot, you may want to replace the wood. Have you called your landlord?
You have not. Well, there's your problem.
Detective
Its a shame someone stole your brand new hoodie. I grieve with you. However, I cannot tell you who stole it. Presumably someone with terrible fashion sense, as camouflage patterns do not look good in pink. If I can be honest, as a dandy, I feel the thief has done you a favor... But as distressed as I am about your loss, I regret to inform you that my cards do not provide me with names. I use pretty basic Rider Waite Smith meanings, and sadly neither Mrs. Smith, nor Mr. Waite thought to at any point provide a way of using the cards to spell out the perpetrator of this dastardly
Emergency Dispatcher
Well, this one was short enough, and I never got a name, so I guess I shall call this customer Knife Guy
KG: Knife Guy
HD: Me
KG: Help! I've been stabbed! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!
HD: Have you called 911?
KG: OH MY GOD YOU'RE A GENIUS!
That's me. Always thinking one step ahead. By the way, I keep records. You're NOT a previous customer of mine. So why the Sam Hill would you call ME when you've been stabbed. And why the hell would you even have this number? Did the mugger leave it?
Hmmm... A thief steals someone's hoodie, then someone gets stabbed. Two consecutive calls within two hours of each-other. There may be a criminal conspiracy against me.
I write, my friend Red draws. Comments welcome. Leave them on their, or on my profile here. 
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