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I've been collecting my stories because generally they are too insignificant to post individually. A lot of annoying things happen here which are irritating, but generally I'm EXTREMELY lucky in that really big SCs tend to stay away. Mostly it's just people being silly 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Old Crotchety Guy #658375
OCG: How much is left on this?
[OCG has a <major chain bookstore> giftcard. We are <tiny used bookstore>.]
Me: Sorry, that's for <major chain>. We're <other store>.
OCG: But I want to know how much money is left.
Me: You have to go to their store or I think you can call --
OCG: So I can't use this here?
Me: Sorry.
OCG: But you are a bookstore?
Me: Yes but --
OCG: This card works on books!! You have to give me books for it.
Me: *mental facepalm*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IT'S THE LAW
SC: Do you charge tax here?
Me: We do.
SC: UGH!!!! Well how much is this with tax?
Me: It'd be ... $5.44.
SC: SIGH!!!!11!1!1 Well nevermind then. *storms out*
OH NOES! We're sure to go out of business now! /sarcasm
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Things My Name Isn't:
Girl
Hon/Honey
Sweetie
Cupcake
Sugar
Darling
Pop Tart (???)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I Don't Speak Idiot Jerkface
SC: Where's Kaymus?
Me: Sorry?
SC: KAYMUS!
Me: (yeah, yelling it at me will help me to understand!) Uhh... sorry, that's a title?
SC: NO!!!! KAYMUS!!!!!
Me: ??? Okay... that's the author?
SC: YEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!! You work in a bookstore and you don't know Kaymus?!?!?! God!!!!
Me: *brain clicks* Ohhh... do you mean Camus?
SC: Huh? Oh... uh... yeah.
Me:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It Must Suck To Be A Meter Reader Part One (A Sighting)
Two people park two motorcycles inside of a metered space in front of the store. They wander off somewhere, and later I see the meter guy come and give them both tickets. That's a $30 fine for each of them, who knows for what. Expired registration maybe? Eventually I hear somebody screaming "OH MY GOD" over and over again outside. Well surprise! It's the biker people come back to find two personalized yellow envelopes gently flapping in the breeze. After Biker Girl is done screaming about her chosen deity, she laments loudly, "I didn't know it was a meter!"
Stop.
You didn't know it was a meter? That's why you're screaming your ugly face off in front of my store? Because you're a complete imbecile? At first I thought somebody was giving birth. Not just anybody either, but a 90-pound virgin having quintuplets.
Luckily for nobody, the meter guy comes around again a few minutes later, while the Bikers are still standing around complaining about things, possibly how the government has failed to hire somebody to hold their hands and read blatantly obvious signs to them. Bikers jump on the poor sap and start demanding he revoke the ticket because they are speshul and deserve to park everwhere for free or some stupid thing. Poor meter guy kind of just stands there and nods and every so often tries to explain to futility of this conversation. Bikers are having none of it and continue screaming. Of course this entire ridiculous exchange is magnified by 10x into my store because of the strange megaphone effect that the door has. Hooray. Eventually the Bikers give up berating this poor man, but not before they swear on their future idiot offspring's undoubtedly early grave that they will be contacting their LAWYERS!!!! I seriously thought that the meter guy should have gotten some sort of medal for that incredible display of patience.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Freudian Slip
SC: "Where's you're meth-a-physical books?" [metaphysical]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear People Who Stand Right Outside the Front Door
...just so you know, there's a megaphone effect when you talk there; that is, every freaking word you say is magnified and can be heard by every person in the godforsaken store. Knowing this, you may decide to refrain from speaking at an already high volume. Perhaps you might even realize the inappropriateness of discussing your recent trials and tribulations with cheap beer and MDMA while on what I can only assume was a memorable trip to Mexico (that is, memorable for the unfortunate inhabitants who had to put up with you, because of course you most likely don't remember very much at all). Now judging from your bedraggled appearance and the fact that you just spent the last two hours busking for change across the street, I would really appreciate it if you could run along and find your meth dealer ASAP so I don't have to hear your voice anymore; the sound of which, by the way, leaves me wondering how you were able to achieve such a terribly comical combination of three-packs-a-day-rough and stupid-teenager-squeak.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Interrupting Cow MOO!
SC: Hello!
Me: Hel-
SC: Are these all used books?
Me: Ye-
SC: Where's you're <section> section?
Me: Well if you just-
SC: Okay. *walks away*
Me: ...er?
SC: *comes back a few seconds later* Where do I go?
Me: You just go through that blue framed door, and then you-
SC: Okay. *walks away*
Me:
SC: *back again* Which aisle are the <books> in?
Me: The mid-
SC: Okay!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Which I Assume I Never Woke Up This Morning And Am Having A Nightmare
SC: Where are your sci-fi anthologies? I'm looking for sci-fi anthologies.
Me: Th-
SC: You know, like "Best Sci-Fi of 1985" or "Best Sci-Fi of 1986" or "Best Sci-Fi of 1987" or "Best Sci-Fi of 1988" or "Best Sci-Fi of 1989" or "Best Sci-Fi of 2009."
Me: ...
SC: ...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
SC: <comes up to purchase a book> There's another copy of this book on the shelf and it's the SAME PRICE! *expectant look like I should do something about this immediately*
Me: Uhhhhhh...sorry?
SC seemed satisfied with apology.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Drunk Tourist Season
I always appreciate that people come to visit our humble town in order to spend their hard-earned pennies in the overpriced bars, and to then stumble drunkenly into a bookstore so that they might blather on to the poor shopkeep about the perfect! weather and how cold/hot/humid/bug-infested/bear-infested/irreversibly inbred their own hometown is.
SC: drunk idiot man
SC: Uh huhuhuh uhh... do y'all have a Kawma Sooooootruh? (Kama Sutra ) huhuhuhuh
Me: Yes, the Sex section is at 9A
SC: Uhhhh... uhhhhhhhh... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... *dead eyes*
Me:
SC: Huh huh huh... uhhhh I were just jokin'. I didn't think y'all, uhhhhh, had it.
Me: You were joking? By asking a bookstore if they had an incredibly common book? How is that funny?
SC: Uhhh yeaah uh thank you uhhhhhhh have a nice night huh huh huh
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Teensy Rant
It's just so very wonderful that you would like to save a few dollars in (say it with me now!) "THIS ECONOMY." Heck, we all would! It's nice to save money! Money is your friend! You can use it to buy things like oversized novelty foam hands, or meth, or perhaps a stylish scarf with which to stay warm in this frosty 100 degree weather. And what better way to save money than to bypass new book prices and go straight to the used bookstore to get books? It's so obvious really! However, I beg of you, please to follow these relatively simple guidelines:
1) A scenario for you: You're looking for a book you want. Your friend said it was like super awesome good omg!! Do we have it in stock? No, sorry. Why not, you ask? Because we are a used bookstore and the book you want is brand freaking new. As in, it just came out extremely recently. This is the equivalent of going to the video rental place and asking for "New Moon" on Betamax. Not going to happen. No, we can't order it. (You can, though! It's called the internets!) This is the part where you should say, "Oh well, I tried! Always nice to try! I'll go to the new bookstore now because they have about 10,000,000,000 copies sitting out on the front table just dripping with purchaseability." This is NOT the part where you get bitchy at me and start demanding that I crap out a copy of a book I most likely won't actually see in this store for another 2 months. Nor do I need to hear you whine about how you really wanted to get that book at the used bookstore and you want it right now and it's oh so expensive new. Yes, and that's how the make money, you nit. That's the point.
2) You are interested in buying an expensive book, you say? I'm glad to hear it! Yes, you could get a nice reading copy of that for about $3, or heck, just legally download it right off the internet because it's a copyright-free title, but instead you would like to purchase a beautiful leather-bound silk-lined illustrated edition with beautiful colored borders on every page of thick, high quality paper. No, I will not give you a discount. Sorry. No. No discount. Stop asking. Oh, the cat-butt face. What do you want from me?!?! We don't mark out books up above what they're worth so that you can haggle the price down. This is the price. You don't need this extreme luxury item that probably will stand out ridiculously among your tattered Harlequin romance novels. And I will not be swayed by you trying to give me a guilt trip.
(Bonus points if cheapskates have expensive manicure/professional highlights/designer sunglasses and handbag)
Thanks for listening everybody!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Old Crotchety Guy #658375
OCG: How much is left on this?
[OCG has a <major chain bookstore> giftcard. We are <tiny used bookstore>.]
Me: Sorry, that's for <major chain>. We're <other store>.
OCG: But I want to know how much money is left.
Me: You have to go to their store or I think you can call --
OCG: So I can't use this here?
Me: Sorry.
OCG: But you are a bookstore?
Me: Yes but --
OCG: This card works on books!! You have to give me books for it.
Me: *mental facepalm*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
IT'S THE LAW
SC: Do you charge tax here?
Me: We do.
SC: UGH!!!! Well how much is this with tax?
Me: It'd be ... $5.44.
SC: SIGH!!!!11!1!1 Well nevermind then. *storms out*
OH NOES! We're sure to go out of business now! /sarcasm
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Things My Name Isn't:
Girl
Hon/Honey
Sweetie
Cupcake
Sugar
Darling
Pop Tart (???)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I Don't Speak Idiot Jerkface
SC: Where's Kaymus?
Me: Sorry?
SC: KAYMUS!
Me: (yeah, yelling it at me will help me to understand!) Uhh... sorry, that's a title?
SC: NO!!!! KAYMUS!!!!!
Me: ??? Okay... that's the author?
SC: YEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!! You work in a bookstore and you don't know Kaymus?!?!?! God!!!!
Me: *brain clicks* Ohhh... do you mean Camus?
SC: Huh? Oh... uh... yeah.
Me:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It Must Suck To Be A Meter Reader Part One (A Sighting)
Two people park two motorcycles inside of a metered space in front of the store. They wander off somewhere, and later I see the meter guy come and give them both tickets. That's a $30 fine for each of them, who knows for what. Expired registration maybe? Eventually I hear somebody screaming "OH MY GOD" over and over again outside. Well surprise! It's the biker people come back to find two personalized yellow envelopes gently flapping in the breeze. After Biker Girl is done screaming about her chosen deity, she laments loudly, "I didn't know it was a meter!"
Stop.
You didn't know it was a meter? That's why you're screaming your ugly face off in front of my store? Because you're a complete imbecile? At first I thought somebody was giving birth. Not just anybody either, but a 90-pound virgin having quintuplets.
Luckily for nobody, the meter guy comes around again a few minutes later, while the Bikers are still standing around complaining about things, possibly how the government has failed to hire somebody to hold their hands and read blatantly obvious signs to them. Bikers jump on the poor sap and start demanding he revoke the ticket because they are speshul and deserve to park everwhere for free or some stupid thing. Poor meter guy kind of just stands there and nods and every so often tries to explain to futility of this conversation. Bikers are having none of it and continue screaming. Of course this entire ridiculous exchange is magnified by 10x into my store because of the strange megaphone effect that the door has. Hooray. Eventually the Bikers give up berating this poor man, but not before they swear on their future idiot offspring's undoubtedly early grave that they will be contacting their LAWYERS!!!! I seriously thought that the meter guy should have gotten some sort of medal for that incredible display of patience.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Freudian Slip
SC: "Where's you're meth-a-physical books?" [metaphysical]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear People Who Stand Right Outside the Front Door
...just so you know, there's a megaphone effect when you talk there; that is, every freaking word you say is magnified and can be heard by every person in the godforsaken store. Knowing this, you may decide to refrain from speaking at an already high volume. Perhaps you might even realize the inappropriateness of discussing your recent trials and tribulations with cheap beer and MDMA while on what I can only assume was a memorable trip to Mexico (that is, memorable for the unfortunate inhabitants who had to put up with you, because of course you most likely don't remember very much at all). Now judging from your bedraggled appearance and the fact that you just spent the last two hours busking for change across the street, I would really appreciate it if you could run along and find your meth dealer ASAP so I don't have to hear your voice anymore; the sound of which, by the way, leaves me wondering how you were able to achieve such a terribly comical combination of three-packs-a-day-rough and stupid-teenager-squeak.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Interrupting Cow MOO!
SC: Hello!
Me: Hel-
SC: Are these all used books?
Me: Ye-
SC: Where's you're <section> section?
Me: Well if you just-
SC: Okay. *walks away*
Me: ...er?
SC: *comes back a few seconds later* Where do I go?
Me: You just go through that blue framed door, and then you-
SC: Okay. *walks away*
Me:
SC: *back again* Which aisle are the <books> in?
Me: The mid-
SC: Okay!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Which I Assume I Never Woke Up This Morning And Am Having A Nightmare
SC: Where are your sci-fi anthologies? I'm looking for sci-fi anthologies.
Me: Th-
SC: You know, like "Best Sci-Fi of 1985" or "Best Sci-Fi of 1986" or "Best Sci-Fi of 1987" or "Best Sci-Fi of 1988" or "Best Sci-Fi of 1989" or "Best Sci-Fi of 2009."
Me: ...
SC: ...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
SC: <comes up to purchase a book> There's another copy of this book on the shelf and it's the SAME PRICE! *expectant look like I should do something about this immediately*
Me: Uhhhhhh...sorry?
SC seemed satisfied with apology.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Drunk Tourist Season
I always appreciate that people come to visit our humble town in order to spend their hard-earned pennies in the overpriced bars, and to then stumble drunkenly into a bookstore so that they might blather on to the poor shopkeep about the perfect! weather and how cold/hot/humid/bug-infested/bear-infested/irreversibly inbred their own hometown is.
SC: drunk idiot man
SC: Uh huhuhuh uhh... do y'all have a Kawma Sooooootruh? (Kama Sutra
) huhuhuhuhMe: Yes, the Sex section is at 9A
SC: Uhhhh... uhhhhhhhh... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... *dead eyes*
Me:
SC: Huh huh huh... uhhhh I were just jokin'. I didn't think y'all, uhhhhh, had it.
Me: You were joking? By asking a bookstore if they had an incredibly common book? How is that funny?
SC: Uhhh yeaah uh thank you uhhhhhhh have a nice night huh huh huh
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A Teensy Rant
It's just so very wonderful that you would like to save a few dollars in (say it with me now!) "THIS ECONOMY." Heck, we all would! It's nice to save money! Money is your friend! You can use it to buy things like oversized novelty foam hands, or meth, or perhaps a stylish scarf with which to stay warm in this frosty 100 degree weather. And what better way to save money than to bypass new book prices and go straight to the used bookstore to get books? It's so obvious really! However, I beg of you, please to follow these relatively simple guidelines:
1) A scenario for you: You're looking for a book you want. Your friend said it was like super awesome good omg!! Do we have it in stock? No, sorry. Why not, you ask? Because we are a used bookstore and the book you want is brand freaking new. As in, it just came out extremely recently. This is the equivalent of going to the video rental place and asking for "New Moon" on Betamax. Not going to happen. No, we can't order it. (You can, though! It's called the internets!) This is the part where you should say, "Oh well, I tried! Always nice to try! I'll go to the new bookstore now because they have about 10,000,000,000 copies sitting out on the front table just dripping with purchaseability." This is NOT the part where you get bitchy at me and start demanding that I crap out a copy of a book I most likely won't actually see in this store for another 2 months. Nor do I need to hear you whine about how you really wanted to get that book at the used bookstore and you want it right now and it's oh so expensive new. Yes, and that's how the make money, you nit. That's the point.
2) You are interested in buying an expensive book, you say? I'm glad to hear it! Yes, you could get a nice reading copy of that for about $3, or heck, just legally download it right off the internet because it's a copyright-free title, but instead you would like to purchase a beautiful leather-bound silk-lined illustrated edition with beautiful colored borders on every page of thick, high quality paper. No, I will not give you a discount. Sorry. No. No discount. Stop asking. Oh, the cat-butt face. What do you want from me?!?! We don't mark out books up above what they're worth so that you can haggle the price down. This is the price. You don't need this extreme luxury item that probably will stand out ridiculously among your tattered Harlequin romance novels. And I will not be swayed by you trying to give me a guilt trip.
(Bonus points if cheapskates have expensive manicure/professional highlights/designer sunglasses and handbag)
Thanks for listening everybody!!
I only got annoyed at the customer because he was angry when I couldn't read his mind. My coworker still calls it "Kaymus" actually 
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