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  • Atonement

    I've been off sick from work half this week, so my pickings are slim I'm afraid. Granted I was severely punished for my transgressions upon my return.



    Overriding Lusts

    Me: “And your phone number please?”
    SC: “xxxx.”

    I assume that is the ID number of the object you desire. However, it is not the question I asked of you. I realize that your desire or compulsion for this object may be overwhelming strong. But you must fight it. You must not give in to your questionable lusts. If only for 60 seconds so that I may glean some identifying information.

    Me: “..pardon?”
    SC: “Uh….."
    Me: “What’s your phone number please?”
    SC: “xxx-xxx-xxxx”
    Me:“Do you have a box number?”
    SC: “xxxx”

    You must be strong! Do not let it consume you! Resist!

    Me: “No, what is your box number please?”
    SC: “Box xxx.”
    Me: “Postal code please?”
    SC: “<Accursed town in Nunavut>”

    Well fuck me in the cow pouch, Nunavut? I never would have guessed.


    Me: Alright, but what is the postal code please?”
    SC: “Ooooh. xxxx.”

    My lord, let it go already. What could possibly be so desirable as to overcome your very mind, simple as it is, in such a fashion? We can’t possibly sell anything of such a magnitude. I shall look into this xxxx you speak of so that I may impartially assess its worth. Let’s see…….allllright it’s a pair of pants. You crave pants so much that you cannot coherently answer simple questions. Right-o.


    Me: “No, what is your postal code please?”
    SC: “uuuuuuhhh……….......uh.....um......can I call back?”

    Abort! Abort!



    Hot Tips

    SC: “Remember before the British army invaded North America, it use to be one country. That was the British policy, divide and conquer. They gave the Indian tribes all these different names and divided them. It’s the United States not the Divided States.”

    Yes, a very astute observation. You must be particularly proud of that one. Why, it even sort of rhymes. Bravo. Let us fondly remember the great Native American supercountry that once encompassed the entire continent and the downfall of its mighty empire after the British arrived and brutally assigned them labels.



    Hot Tips
    ( He was unrelenting Friday night. >< )

    SC: "I just figured out the Book of Revelations.”

    Oh good, and after unraveling this book of mysteries your first impulse was to share the discovery with me. Thank you. I’m flattered and mildly alarmed.

    SC: “I calculated the number of the beast. It’s 6348.”

    No, I’m pretty sure it’s suppose to be it’s 666.


    SC: “and what’s 6348?”

    It’s a Roxy tanktop. Which, by the way, you’re calling entirely the wrong line if that’s what you’re after. But on the upside, it is on clearance.


    SC: “The 24 hour clock. 18:38 or 6:38pm. What happened in 1838? That’s the year Jack the Ripper was brought into the royal family.”

    Sometimes I wonder whether or not you're actually insane or if you just call up and read me synopsis of Dan Brown novels.



    Hot Tips

    SC: “You know that Prince Charle’s dad was a man, not a king, so he’s Prince Charles Manson-“
    Me: “Oh, this one’s a rerun.”
    SC: “Huh?”

    Call me when the new season starts, would you?



    Hot....Tips

    “You have to be Christian to get into Heaven right so it’s better to be a cool Christian than an uncool Christian. Like you, you're Jesus’s KGB, you’re a spy for GOD, right?”

    .......I have been called many, many things in my years on this shift. Some strange. Some insulting. But never anything quite as odd as that. Congratulations. I shall mail you one of the expired cookies from the top of our vending machine as a prize for the new level of bizzarity you have introduced into my life.




    The Marketing Dept Caught On


    I see there is a new catalog. And despite most of the products being identical to the last catalog and having already ordered hundreds of dollars worth from the last catalog this did not stop the frigid northern wastes from rushing en mass to order from the new catalog. It seems they cannot resist this compulsion, regardless of how illogical is. Thus they hammered at my gates this evening, lusting for the exact same products that were in the old catalog but were not repackaged in the new, shinier catalog.

    So fervent was this mass of pants hounds that I had to find this catalog myself within our walls, and see if I could figure out exactly what was so compelling about it to place it above all previous catalogs. Sadly, the answer was rather swift. I opened the catalog to the very first page and there was not one, not two, not three, but four pink camo items just on the first page alone.

    No wonder they can’t resist. Opening the first page must have been like opening the Ark of the Covenant. Only, sadly, without the whole terrible face flesh melting thing.




    From The Mouth of Fools

    Sigh, they’re still out there. The yahoos. Despite my best effort I always seem to end up on the same Skytrain as them. Or perhaps they are merely so numerous that they are upon every Skytrain car. So any hopes of avoidance or escape are but wishful fallacies. I try to tune them out, but every now and then there’s an exchange just so strikingly tardlicious it penetrates even my mental fortress of solitude. Such as this one:

    “Haha, dude what’s with that haircut?”
    “Yeah, well, your GIRLFRIEND'S going to be cuttin’ it by the end of the night!”
    “…….”
    “…….”
    “……what?”

    Which was round about my reaction too to be honest. Both of them just sat there and stared at each other for a while in confusion. With the Insulted looking back at the Insulter, trying to figure out if he should be insulted but unable to comprehend exactly how. While the Insulter sat there trying to figure out if he had achieved victory or defeat.



    Sigh.

    SC: “I see the website says there's a sale on for 30-50% off. Is the sales price on TOP of the sales prices listed?”

    Gah, this…question, again. I use to dismiss this as a passing oddity of the truly foolish. But it occurs with an unsettling frequency. Who are these people that go to the website, read “Everything on sale”, go to the product page read “On Sale Price” next to the regular price and then seriously become confused over whether that’s the On Sale Price or the On Sale On Sale Price. It’s already 50% off a $500 item and you want it docked another 50% on top of that? So you can get it for a mere $125? Last I checked the url was ClientName.com not JustBendMeOverTheCounterAndTakeIt.com

    I just can’t comprehend this question. The On Sale Price is in blazing red text right above the banner in blazing red text saying everything is on sale. How can you possibly have a disconnect there? I mean, sure, the first few times this happened it was kind of interesting watching the exact point where wishful thinking became outright stupidity. But it’s getting old now. Stop calling.




    Tax Dollars At Work

    ( This is pretty much the highest level emergency line I have to be honest. It is for disasters. I dread seeing this line appear. )

    Me: "Good evening, <client> emergency line."
    SC: “Yes, I’m trying to find driving directions. I have to get out to a place tomorrow for a job.”

    Ok. And? I am not yet seeing where I fit into the grand scheme of things here. You don't seem to quite grasp the severity of this line. This number is typically reserved for when the earth opens up beneath us and swallows a school bus full of orphans.


    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t provide driving directions.”
    SC: “Well, I’ve tried Map Quest and everything else. Nothing’s working. I’m kind of desperate right now.”

    Yes, I can tell. However, the urgency of your situation does not alter the fact that I do not have, nor can I provide you with driving directions. Call me after Gaea eats a bus.


    Me: “I’m afraid this is ran emergency line only, so I don’t have driving directions.”
    SC: “Do you know anywhere that does?”
    Me: “No off the top of my head, no, sorry.”
    SC: “Well this like a job that like if I’m not there I lose my job!! This is crazy!!”

    Say it with me kids: A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. Your situation is most unfortunate, but it does not alter reality and magically provide me with a mental road map of the province. Even if I was inclined to make the attempt, if you can’t find it on Map Quest than I’m not going to find it on Map Quest and Map Quest is the only possible information source I have access too from here.


    SC: “Do you have the number for the buses so I could call them so I could talk to someone there that could tell me?!”
    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t, sorry.”
    SC: “Well I’ve been going through the phone book here and this is the only line I’ve been able to reach!”

    Ok, so you have the phone book there and you’re asking me for a phone number? I can’t help but feel you’re not giving this 100%.


    SC: “There’s no way I can get directions anywhere, anyhow?”
    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t have driving directions, this is an emergency line only.”

    I’m not sure how many times I’ve repeated this so far, but I think one or two more and it officially qualifies as a Buddhist mantra.

    SC: “Well great, thanks! Why the FUCK do I pay taxes than?! <click>”

    Ah, a statement so succulently slack witted that I feel compelled to dissect it down to its very component pieces. It’s sub-atomic tardicles if you will. You wish to know why you are paying taxes. An outburst most common when a government or municipal agency or department fails to adequately provide its stated services. The critical flaw in your frothing exclamation however is that providing you driving directions at midnight on a Sunday is not a provided service. In fact, I am sitting here providing all the government services currently assigned to me at adequate to downright exceptional levels ranging from impressively stellar to fresh baked Win muffins from Awesometown on Christmas morning. Therefore your tax dollars are not only at work, but being harnessed to provide all required services through me, their avatar.

    So I guess what I’m really trying to say here is that you’re a fucking idiot and good luck with that job.




    Please Go Away

    SC: “See it’s all numerology you know? There are xxxx prizes and my phone number ends in xxxx.”

    …ok stop. It is 4 in the morning. Don’t you dare invoke numerology on me at 4am on a Sunday morning. I object. Numerology is a level of gambling crazy I can only accept by 1am on a Friday at the very latest. After that no, you’ll have to wait till next week or back the crazy train up a bit to Astrology or perhaps dowsing at the most.


    SC: “So I have a pretty good chance don’t you think?”

    Oh yes, clearly it is a sign from God. Now how many tickets would you like to bet on his divine favour?




    annnnd rest.

  • #2
    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post


    Hot Tips
    ( He was unrelenting Friday night. >< )

    SC: "I just figured out the Book of Revelations.”

    Oh good, and after unraveling this book of mysteries your first impulse was to share the discovery with me. Thank you. I’m flattered and mildly alarmed.

    SC: “I calculated the number of the beast. It’s 6348.”

    No, I’m pretty sure it’s suppose to be it’s 666.


    SC: “and what’s 6348?”

    It’s a Roxy tanktop. Which, by the way, you’re calling entirely the wrong line if that’s what you’re after. But on the upside, it is on clearance.


    SC: “The 24 hour clock. 18:38 or 6:38pm. What happened in 1838? That’s the year Jack the Ripper was brought into the royal family.”

    Sometimes I wonder whether or not you're actually insane or if you just call up and read me synopsis of Dan Brown novels.


    LMAO!!! Wow. I stay up all night and still can never come up with gems like these.

    Hope youre feeling better.

    ETA: Dan Brown has nothing on your callers.

    Comment


    • #3
      pants hounds
      Well, it's a cat but it's the best I could do on short notice...
      I don't go in for ancient wisdom
      I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
      It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

      Comment


      • #4
        actually they found they did the math wrong. the number of the beast is supposed to be 616 if I recall correctly. so all these idiots panicing at 666 are panicing for the wrong number.

        Comment


        • #5
          “You have to be Christian to get into Heaven right so it’s better to be a cool Christian than an uncool Christian. Like you, you're Jesus’s KGB, you’re a spy for GOD, right?”
          Hilarity, thy name is Hot Tips.
          Supporting the idiots charged with protecting your personal information.

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
            SC: “The 24 hour clock. 18:38 or 6:38pm. What happened in 1838? That’s the year Jack the Ripper was brought into the royal family.”
            Okay, this one stumps me. Jackie Boy did his dirty work in 1888 (or from 1887-1891, depending on who you listen to, but the Canonical Five were in 1888). When he says the Ripper was "brought into the royal family" in 1838, is he talking about being married in, hired in, or born in? Prince Albert Victor, aka "Eddy", was a suspect, but he was born in 1864. As a matter of fact, none of the suspects (no matter how far fetched they may be) were even alive in 1838! A man in his fifties in that era would not have been mistaken for a man in his thirties... life was just too rough.

            Tax Dollars At WorkEven if I was inclined to make the attempt, if you can’t find it on Map Quest than I’m not going to find it on Map Quest and Map Quest is the only possible information source I have access too from here.
            You underestimate yourself, Gravekeeper. Dorkus' inability to use MapQuest has nothing to do with your competency, and Dorkus knows it. He was seeking help from a higher intellect, and you let him down. I bet if you had typed in the same address (assuming it was the correct address to begin with) you would have found it in the few moments it took your computer to load the screen.
            Sorry, my cow died so I don't need your bull

            Comment


            • #7
              And anyone who works in customer service knows this, it isn't exactly breaking news, but it bears repeating...there are some strange people out there.

              And people wonder why I'm a recluse who likes cats.
              Friends help you move. Rare friends help you move bodies.

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                Hot Tips

                SC: “You know that Prince Charle’s dad was a man, not a king, so he’s Prince Charles Manson-“
                Me: “Oh, this one’s a rerun.”
                SC: “Huh?”

                Call me when the new season starts, would you?
                I love that you called him on telling you a theory he already had.

                I'm always shocked at the level of crazy you deal with GK. It's quite shocking at times.
                Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

                Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
                Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth Teskeria View Post
                  actually they found they did the math wrong. the number of the beast is supposed to be 616 if I recall correctly. so all these idiots panicing at 666 are panicing for the wrong number.
                  From Wikipedia:
                  616 ("six hundred and sixteen", or "six hundred sixteen" in American English) is believed by some Christians to have been the original Number of the Beast in the Book of Revelation in the Christian Bible. Different early versions of the Book of Revelation gave different numbers, and 666 had been widely accepted as the original number. In 2005, however, a fragment of papyrus 115 was revealed, containing the earliest known version of that part of the Book of Revelation discussing the Number of the Beast. It gave the number as 616, suggesting that this may have been the original.
                  Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                    I've been off sick from work...
                    Honestly? We can tell. The writing, the flow, the new adjectives and pronouns. The punctuation. It's like a brand spanking new GK.


                    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                    Like you, you're Jesus’s KGB, you’re a spy for GOD, right?”
                    It's almost good enough to be a handle, or a band name. "God's KGB" is the right combo though....

                    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                    “Yeah, well, your GIRLFRIEND'S going to be cuttin’ it by the end of the night!”
                    What rank amateurs! The line here is obviously: "Yeah, well your MOM's going to be cuttin' it by the end of the night!"

                    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                    JustBendMeOverTheCounterAndTakeIt.com
                    Hands in the air people. Who whois'ed this to see if it was taken?


                    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                    Call me after Gaea eats a bus.
                    Nice mythological allusion. You DID take some time off work!


                    Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                    SC: “Yes, I’m trying to find driving directions. I have to get out to a place tomorrow for a job.”

                    So I guess what I’m really trying to say here is that you’re a fucking idiot and good luck with that job.

                    I strongly suspect he will get the job. And two weeks from now, he will be calling to have you have a tech call him to walk him through using Outlook.....
                    Last edited by sms001; 10-26-2009, 12:05 AM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                      The Marketing Dept Caught On

                      I see there is a new catalog. And despite most of the products being identical to the last catalog and having already ordered hundreds of dollars worth from the last catalog this did not stop the frigid northern wastes from rushing en mass to order from the new catalog. It seems they cannot resist this compulsion, regardless of how illogical is. Thus they hammered at my gates this evening, lusting for the exact same products that were in the old catalog but were not repackaged in the new, shinier catalog.

                      So fervent was this mass of pants hounds that I had to find this catalog myself within our walls, and see if I could figure out exactly what was so compelling about it to place it above all previous catalogs. Sadly, the answer was rather swift. I opened the catalog to the very first page and there was not one, not two, not three, but four pink camo items just on the first page alone.

                      No wonder they can’t resist. Opening the first page must have been like opening the Ark of the Covenant. Only, sadly, without the whole terrible face flesh melting thing.
                      I believe that there is something in the ink used for the printing... something like 'contact heroin' or something... that compels the readers to go over the new catalogues as they come out. The more they use them, the weaker the drug gets.

                      It may also explain why you get several calls from one household. The intoxicant is so strong that the victims forget that there are others in the building...

                      The dossage must be doubled when the colours mix and become pink. That would definately explain this fetish for pink camouflage.

                      Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                      “Haha, dude what’s with that haircut?”
                      “Yeah, well, your GIRLFRIEND'S going to be cuttin’ it by the end of the night!”
                      “…….”
                      “…….”
                      “……what?”
                      I disagree with your assessment. That counterstrike was so beautifully done that his opponant was unable to react.

                      You've just seen a successful casting of "Power Word: Stun".

                      This talented young man will either be a very powerful wizard... or running around in the woods with Tom Hanks.

                      (5 bonus points for reference)
                      "Kamala the Ugandan Giant" 1950-2020 • "Bullet" Bob Armstrong 1939-2020 • "Road Warrior Animal" 1960-2020 • "Zeus" Tiny Lister Jr. 1958-2020 • "Hacksaw" Butch Reed 1954-2021 • "New Jack" Jerome Young 1963-2021 • "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff 1949-2021 • "Beautiful" Bobby Eaton 1958-2021 • Daffney 1975-2021

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                        SC: “I calculated the number of the beast. It’s 6348.”

                        SC: “and what’s 6348?”

                        SC: “The 24 hour clock. 18:38 or 6:38pm. What happened in 1838? That’s the year Jack the Ripper was brought into the royal family.”
                        Someone alreayd pointed out that the year 1838 and Jack the Ripper have zero relevance to one another.

                        However, there is yet another problem with this missive. That being that the number 6348 has exactly nothing to do with the time 18:38, other than them both ending in 8. Seriously, if the guy is going to start up with numerology, he really should check his fucking numbers.

                        Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                        So fervent was this mass of pants hounds that I had to find this catalog myself within our walls, and see if I could figure out exactly what was so compelling about it to place it above all previous catalogs. Sadly, the answer was rather swift. I opened the catalog to the very first page and there was not one, not two, not three, but four pink camo items just on the first page alone.
                        I know you just answer the phones for this catalog, but do you have any ability to send one of them to someone? Like, say, me? I really have to see this for myself to see just how compelling it is.

                        If y'all start seeing pictures of me online in pink camo leather ass-less chaps, you'll know why.

                        Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                        Last I checked the url was ClientName.com not JustBendMeOverTheCounterAndTakeIt.com.
                        I shall use that website name. I don't know how. I don't know where. I don't know when. But on my very breath I vow that sometime soon, I shall use it.

                        Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                        This number is typically reserved for when the earth opens up beneath us and swallows a school bus full of orphans.
                        This may strike some as sick, but that just made me laugh my silly little ass off.

                        No, seriously. I am now sitting on my thighs, as I no longer have an ass, due to GK's hilarity. It is his fault I am now essentially assless.

                        Quoth EvilEmpryss View Post
                        Dorkus' inability to use MapQuest has nothing to do with your competency, and Dorkus knows it.
                        Years ago, when I worked at the brewpub, I had a coworker named Dorcus (pronounced DORK-iss). Apparently it is a Greek name. Yes, she heard all the jokes. No, she did not find them funny. Yes, we did.

                        Quoth EvilEmpryss View Post
                        I bet if you had typed in the same address (assuming it was the correct address to begin with) you would have found it in the few moments it took your computer to load the screen.
                        That would not change the fact that doofus was calling an emergency line for road directions. In other words, while GK could have done that, he had no reason to do it.

                        "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                        Still A Customer."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Amina516 View Post
                          ETA: Dan Brown has nothing on your callers.
                          I think Dan Brown is a Customers Suck reader and gets his book ideas from Gravekeeper and his posts.

                          GK, you need to find about royalties.
                          I never lost my faith in humanity. Can't lose what you never had right?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                            Hot Tips

                            <snip>

                            SC: “I calculated the number of the beast. It’s 6348.”

                            <snip>


                            SC: “and what’s 6348?”

                            <snip>

                            SC: “The 24 hour clock. 18:38 or 6:38pm. What happened in 1838? That’s the year Jack the Ripper was brought into the royal family.”
                            Wait........huh? How did we go from 6348 to 6:38pm to 18:38 to 1838 to Jack the Ripper and him being in the royal family?

                            So......um.........wow usually I can at least decipher the crazy, but this week no. This one made no sense at all. 6348 =/= 6:38 and Jack the Ripper wasn't even alive in 1838. This guy makes Uncle Vick seem sane.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                              No wonder they can’t resist. Opening the first page must have been like opening the Ark of the Covenant. Only, sadly, without the whole terrible face flesh melting thing.
                              Just be happy your face flesh didn't melt. Because in the eyes of the Pink Camo God, you are the non-believer. Or something.

                              Quoth hinakiba777 View Post
                              I love that you called him on telling you a theory he already had.
                              Crap, I missed an episode of Hot Tips for America! Do you think they'll be on DVD soon?

                              Quoth El Pollo Guerrera View Post
                              This talented young man will either be a very powerful wizard... or running around in the woods with Tom Hanks.

                              (5 bonus points for reference)
                              I assume you are referencing Mazes & Monsters?



                              Quoth Jester View Post
                              However, there is yet another problem with this missive. That being that the number 6348 has exactly nothing to do with the time 18:38, other than them both ending in 8. Seriously, if the guy is going to start up with numerology, he really should check his fucking numbers.
                              You know, given the level of midi-crazians in that guys, I'm not surprised at all that he didn't notice he dropped a 4 somewhere down the track of his thoughts... And no, I don't mean he's some kind of insane jedi train driver. Because that would almost make sense.
                              "I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."

                              Comment

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