Ah Yes.....Irony.

[telecom_goddess]

Ye Gods, what does that even sound like? "Schluuurrrrppp schlurrrpppp glurghhh glurrrghle mmggmmmrrphhh" with intense moaning in the background?

On second thought, forget I asked. And enjoy the thought kids.

I can't believe you went there and no I'm not enjoying the thought

ugh.....payback is coming lol

[Midorikawa]

They actually yell their order at us. "THREE COORS LIGHTS, A JACK AND COKE, AND A MOJITO!!!"

These people always get served last. Learn some manners and some patience or die of thirst, motherfucker.

Thank you! I've had people walk in off the street, act like that and get served before me or everyone else who has been politely waiting before. I don't go to bars often, but I definitely don't return when the bartenders serve an SC before 20 or so patiently waiting customers.

[Jester]

Yes, those people. Let us hit those people. Until we are satiated by their cries.

Agreed.

Worse than those ones are the cretins who truly believe they are the only ones in the bar. Like, when it's one of our huge events, people are four to five deep at the bar, we are getting drinks as fast as we can, and when we go by, obviously serving someone else, what do they do? Wave money? Try to flag us down? No, that would be too polite for these fuckers. They actually yell their order at us. "THREE COORS LIGHTS, A JACK AND COKE, AND A MOJITO!!!"

These people always get served last. Learn some manners and some patience or die of thirst, motherfucker.

[Gravekeeper]

"THANKS for the beer." Said by someone who couldn't understand why they might have to wait more than 90 seconds for a beer when several dozen other people are also ordering food and drinks and there is but one beer slinger on duty.

Yes, those people. Let us hit those people. Until we are satiated by their cries.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I really can't believe I even have to say this, but please take the cock out of your mouth. ( How I wish I was joking ).

Ye Gods, what does that even sound like? "Schluuurrrrppp schlurrrpppp glurghhh glurrrghle mmggmmmrrphhh" with intense moaning in the background?

On second thought, forget I asked. And enjoy the thought kids.

[Jester]

Yes, I've gotten one or two people that start to do it out of reflex. But a lot of people say it in this...tone. A sort of "You SHOULD be thankful I graced you with my presence" kind of tone. It irks me to no end.

See, it's not the uttering of the phrase itself you object to...it's the smarmy tone that some people take. Big difference. Assholes can make anything that is normally polite sound nasty.

"THANKS for the beer." Said by someone who couldn't understand why they might have to wait more than 90 seconds for a beer when several dozen other people are also ordering food and drinks and there is but one beer slinger on duty.

[Midorikawa]

Just A Quick Note
*insert long rant most of which I've experienced before*

*retches at the memory of the call he had with the guy on the crapper once.*

I really can't believe I even have to say this, but please take the cock out of your mouth. ( How I wish I was joking ).

*dry heaves at the memory of the old couple having their happy fun time while on the phone with me ordering Pay Per View porn*

...and I finally had those memories repressed too. Thanks, GK. :-P

[Gravekeeper]

This is hilarious. Obviously, we are going to need the name of the movie.

I didn't get the title, but I'll ask my boss. It sounded like a short film or episode of something. I'm not expecting amazing quality. The only actress they had with an IMDB entry had a bit character role in Road Trip: Beer Pong. >.>

Now hold on there. Many of us were taught as children that is polite to say "You're welcome" to someone when they say "thank you." Half the time we do it without even thinking, it's such a reflex.

Yes, I've gotten one or two people that start to do it out of reflex. But a lot of people say it in this...tone. A sort of "You SHOULD be thankful I graced you with my presence" kind of tone. It irks me to no end.

Okay, now this one REQUIRES elaboration!

She quite obviously had something in and out ( and in ) of her mouth, with rather unsettling noises in the background from another person. Luckily, it was just a wrong number looking for a cab. She didn't ask for the right number. -.-

Fortunately such things are quite rare. I can't say as I can recall ever getting anyone that was mid copulation. Although I have had someone attempt phone sex on me once to tragic failure a couple years ago. My coworkers passed the recording of that one around the office for the rest of the week. They found my completely unflappable operator voice in the face of her "Oh its so hot, I'm taking off my shirt" to be utterly hilarious.

She actually repeated herself "I said, I'm TAKING OFF MY SHIRT" to no avail. =p

[Sauletekis]

Ahahaha - oh lawdy, your quick notes (with a few exceptions) pretty much cover my list of top gripes in call centre work. I HATE people that just hang up with out a 'Goodbye', never mind a thank you. That is the worst (even worse than the ones who are eating or are heavy breathers).

I sometimes get the recorded voice thing too - opening with 'Are you real??!?!?' does not endear you to me.

Sounds like a doozy of a week :P

[Jester]

In fact if you haven’t noticed they’ve been making it sound like its right now and you have absolutely no chance to obtain a ticket unless you call right this instant roughly every 2 weeks for around 3 months now.

Welcome to the wonderful world of advertising!

And yes, I am acutely aware of the irony of someone filming a show about a CSR on a homicidal rampage right next to me.

This is hilarious. Obviously, we are going to need the name of the movie.

And the film crew here last night actually had to use an alien to justify a story about a CSR on a murderous rampage?

Hollywood just is so out of touch with reality these days.

Not to be pessimistic or anything, but I’m failing to see exactly how you managed to forge a path from Point A to Point B on this one.

And this is different from the rest of Hot Tips Guy's calls.....how, exactly?

If I finish my call script with "Thank you for calling" don't say "You're welcome!". It makes you come across as a dick.

Now hold on there. Many of us were taught as children that is polite to say "You're welcome" to someone when they say "thank you." Half the time we do it without even thinking, it's such a reflex.

Hell, I have so many "polite" conversational reflexes beat...er, uh, built in to me that I often say things that are stupid in the context of the situation.

MOVIE THEATER CLERK: "Enjoy your movie!"
JESTER: "You too!"

I really can't believe I even have to say this, but please take the cock out of your mouth. ( How I wish I was joking ).

Okay, now this one REQUIRES elaboration!

At no point do I want or require any sort of back story from you unless you have just informed me that someone has been humping your patrol car.

Or someone tells you that people will call their customer service line with a cock still in their mouth.

[Exaspera]

All enveloped up and sent off to my buddies.

Thank you thank you thank you!

[Cymberleah]

Speaking as an American, I find it absolutely adorable when I hear Zed instead of Zee.

Also, I think the Native Americans might be less than inclined to participate in another episode of mass slaughter. I think they've had quite enough of that.

[Gravekeeper]

Its that time again....<sob>



Sigh

Me: “Do you have a customer ID?”
SC: “Oh yes. Er….I don’t have my glasses though, so it’s ok.”
Me: “……..?”
SC: “………”

You don’t have your glasses on, so you cannot read your customer ID. Which you do have. But rather then go get your glass face circles to unleash the gift of sight, you’ve decided to just give me all your information all over again anyway. Now, call me crazy, but it seems to me that this course of action would take longer than just going and getting your glasses. See, I too am of the mole people, and cannot see worth a damn once deprived of my skull lens. Which is why they are never more then 10 feet from me. Because I enjoy actually being able to see more then vague colourful shapes.

I guess, however, that perhaps some people find the blur more interesting and are not in as much of a hurry as I am to bring clarity to the world.



Ok, Seriously

Alright, Mr Brown. I have spoken with you so often on this line that I recognize not just your name, but your voice the moment I pick up the line. You call all the time. Typically with the exact same problem: Credit cards are not going through. This seems to happen to you at least once a week since the moment we got this account. In all that time you have never once gotten a call back afterhours. Because there is no afterhours support and never has been. Never. It has never happened and it will never happen. Ever. I admire your blind, borderline insane optimism but it’s not going to happen. I have told you this countless times.

So why, why do you always call back 10 minutes later wondering why you haven’t gotten a call back? You have months worth of experience to draw upon that teach you that call backs do not exist at this hour. They simply do not exist. They are the Santa Claus of the tech support world. It’s all fine and dandy to have faith when you’re too young to know better. But no one over the age of 12 should still be clinging to the belief in a reindeer drawn sky chariot baring a fat man with an army of midgets in green pantyhose at his disposal who can manufacture a Nintendo Wii with simple carpentry tools. Yet still go out of their way to mark it as “Made in China” just to throw you off the trail.



Yes, Yes They Do

C: “When’s the final draw?”
Me: “Sept 25th”
C: “What!?! They commercials make it sound like its RIGHT NOW!”

Yes, yes they have. In fact if you haven’t noticed they’ve been making it sound like its right now and you have absolutely no chance to obtain a ticket unless you call right this instant roughly every 2 weeks for around 3 months now. In fact even the website screams in giant red caps that there is a “FINAL SALE!” that you only have “Hours left!” to buy your tickets. Which is technically correct. In that there is in fact hours left. Several hundred hours to be exact. So yes, hours are involved and they are left. Technically.

Do not underestimate the power of the charity lottery side. They have so much good karma in surplus they could probably drive to your house and write “Final Sale! Call now!” on your lawn in kerosene, fire and road kill. And people would still be on the phone moments after driving by.



The Most Ironic Moment of My Career

Apparently I have a film crew as company this evening as our office has been rented out as a set to some local TV show. Which…is pretty much the last thing I expected to deal with on shift this weekend to be honest. They’re moving ever slowly closer to me as well. As is that searing artificial sun they call “lighting”. Which has reached an intensity that allows me to quite clearly perform shadow puppetry on the wall of my cubicle.

Also, as some sort of cosmic irony, they are filming a show about a CSR who gets possessed by an alien and goes on some sort of killing spree. They are filming this directly next to me. So close in fact that one of the bloody actors is leaning on my cubicle in this scene. I cannot move, or I'll be in their shot. Which is rather dire, as I currently need to urinate on a level normally reserved for race horses.

And yes, I am acutely aware of the irony of someone filming a show about a CSR on a homicidal rampage right next to me.





Thanks.....I think

Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling <company>. Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Oh….is this a real person?”
Me: “Yes”
SC: “Oh, sorry, you just have such a good voice.”

“Good” is an odd term to apply to this misunderstanding. As I do not typically equate “good” with the inability of others to classify me as a human being. Usually I equate that with “Oh god, here just take my wallet and don’t hurt me”.



Futility

Just a pro tip for next time: Prank calls work much better when you can keep your idiot friends from laughing before you even begin to set up whatever feeble punch line you had in mind. A shame really. I’m sure it would have been a stunning display of wit and humour. And my life is now somewhat less for having not heard it after I may the tragic error in judgment of hanging up on you outright.

Rest assured I shall regret this moment for years.




Northern Exposure

Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Becky.”

Hello, Becky. I trust our time together will be just as painfully dull-witted as your voice sounds attempting to utter your own name.


Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”
Me: “Hmm, I’m afraid that does not come up as a valid item number for me. Xxxx right?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “Yes, that does not come up as a product in our catalog.”
SC: “Oh…….uh……”
Me: “………”
SC: “……um……..”
Me: “………”
SC: “I’ll call back <click>”

Thank you, Becky. You did not disappoint. It is reassuring there are people in this world who can be utterly and irreparably defeated on a mental level by walking into a MacDonald’s, ordering a Coke and being countered with “Sorry, we’re out of Coke, would you like something else?”.



Northern Exposure II

Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Becky.”

….hello again, Becky. That was all of 30 seconds. You know, if it only took you that long to pick out something else, you could have just stayed on the line.


Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “xxxx”

That’s…..the exact same number you gave the first time. My apologies. It appears I was mistaken. I thought you meant you would call back after picking out something else. I didn’t realize what you really meant was “Let me hang up and dial again, then hope that somehow reality itself shifts and you magically have what I want in stock now.”

Silly of me really. My expectations were quite low to begin with. But it hadn’t occurred to me to lower them even further for your particular case.


Me: “I’m afraid that isn’t a valid product ID.”
SC: “Umm………..uh……wait.”

It seems I am infinitely being told to “wait” by callers on this line. Never “Just a moment”, “Can you hold on a second?” or “Can you please hold on a moment?”. It’s always merely “Uhhhh…..wait.”. Always. It’s never just “wait” either. It’s always prefixed with the sound of someone’s education and/or critical thinking skills failing them completely.


SC2: “Hey.”
Me: “Hello.”

Hello completely different person. I see Becky’s mental stamina has finally been totally overcome. Necessitating a tag out to a fresh challenger. What can I do for you?


SC2: “Can I get xxxx”

….that’s the exact same number. I do not have that. It does not exist. If it ever existed it is so past sold out that it is not even listed in my database or the website any longer.


Me: “I’m afraid that is not a valid product ID. We don’t have that.”
SC: “Oh……uhhh……..wait…………………<faaaaaaaart>….uh huh uhuhuhuh.”

And the film crew here last night actually had to use an alien to justify a story about a CSR on a murderous rampage?



Nature In Action
( This is a security check in line. Security guards are suppose to call us hourly to let us know they're all right. If not, I call their supervisor. )

Gotta like the <company> supervisor. When he actually answers his phone anyway:

Me: “I didn’t get a check in from <guard>, and I'm unable to reach him on his cell.”
Sup: “Oh, <guard>? Yeah, he’s an old guy and doesn’t see very well. So don’t worry about it.”
Me: “…..er....so, don’t worry about <guard> for the rest of the night?”
Sup: “Yeah.”


Yes, those are officially my instructions for <company>: Don’t worry about it, just let natural selection run its course.



Hot Tips

SC: “Hi, how ya doin’? So I guess you know that Prince Charles was a man not a King, so he’s Prince Charles Manson. Because Jesus is your dad you belong to the Kingson family. But you know what the English are doing in the United States and Canada. It’s all lies. LIES! So don’t trust the motherfuckers. Talk to you later, bye.”

Welp, you heard the barely coherent stoner. The English, Prince Charles, the Mansons, the Kingsons and, er……Jesus? Are all mofos and not to be trusted. Sounds perfectly legit. I’m convinced.



Hot Tips #2

SC: “I have a suggestion that will save America over a thousand trillion dollars.”

Over a thousand trillion you say? I’m not sure there is that much money in the entire world. But very well, let’s hear it.

SC: “The CIA should get as many native Indians into the CIA as possible and use them to invade Canada and form one huge super nation with a SUPER ECONOMY.”

So the US can save a thousand trillion dollars just by trying to invade Canada with Native Americans? Not to be pessimistic or anything, but I’m failing to see exactly how you managed to forge a path from Point A to Point B on this one.



Just A Quick Note

To everyone who has ever answered the question "Can you spell your name please?" by simply repeating your name again. I have one thing to say:

Fuck you.

Seriously, what the hell? Why do so many people do this? I didn't ask you to repeat your name. I also didn't ask you to repeat it slower like I'm a fucktard that didn't understand it the first time. I understand it perfectly. But I need you to spell it. I am contractually obligated by employee policy to ask you to spell your name for me to ensure 100% accuracy in any data entry or billing information I'm collecting it for.

I don't care if you think its an "easy" or "common" name. You'd be surprised how many idiotic parents out there will throw a "G" in "Jennifer" to try and make their special snowflake sound unique. It doesn't matter how it sounds. It matters how it is spelled. That is why I asked you how to spell it, not how to form the sounds with my mouth.

I bet you're also the kind of person who thinks everyone can understand English if you just speak it slow enough to them.

Also, while I'm on the topic of pet peeves. When I ask you if you're in the USA or Canada. Do not A) Become offended that I dare ask if you aren't American or B) Answer me with your fscking State. That was not the question, dammit!

And if you know full well you'll need to take information down, or are placing an order for something, or are calling to inquire about something on your account or whatever else. Have your goddamn pen / credit card / account number / etc ALREADY ON HAND. I don't have time to sit here like a jackass for 5 minutes while you root through your entire house. And put on your fucking glasses too.

If I have just rendered you any sort of service. Say "Thank you". Don't just hang up like an asshole.

If I finish my call script with "Thank you for calling" don't say "You're welcome!". It makes you come across as a dick.

Decide what you fucking want BEFORE you call to order.

Pull up your pants.

If you're calling to report a problem in your building, do not call me and go "Yeah there's x problem, can you go do something?" then immediately hang up. I do not know where the fuck you are nor what is going on from your drive by verbal spittle.

If I tell you that you've called the wrong number, do not ask me for the right fucking number. And then get mad at me when I don't have it.

Can you please stop pissing before you call?

Why the fuck are you trying to install a French Door at 2am? Did you lose a bet?

When I tell you I cannot answer your questions and need to connect you to the proper person, do not immediately go "Well maybe you can just answer a simple question-". No, I can't.

Do not get offended when I refuse service after you non-nonchalant try to make small talk about "Damn lazy welfare Wetbacks".

Stop fucking eating on the phone. Its rude and disgusting.

If you're in the loudest bar in the city. Have some fucking common sense and courtesy and go outside before you call me. I don't feel like screaming for an entire call just so you can hear me.

There is absolutely no sex in the champagne room.

When I tell you your problem isn't something I can contact the emergency manager on duty for, do not attempt to debate this with me. Every single client we have that has an after hours emergency line with us has a specific list of what is and isn't an emergency. If it doesn't qualify, it doesn't qualify. It is not up for debate and no, I will not lose my job if I don't cave in to your demands. Quite the opposite.

I really can't believe I even have to say this, but please take the cock out of your mouth. ( How I wish I was joking ).

Don't get really pissy with me when I say "Zed" instead of "Zee". No offense but thats how the rest of the damn English speaking world pronounces it. So get use to it if you're going to be calling a foreign or international company.

Ok seriously, the recording that plays before you even get to me tells you to have a pen ready. So have a fucking pen ready. Please.

No, I do not have a hotel with a pool, room service, shuttle pick up, free breakfast, wifi and a gym for $50 near the airport.

I'm not going to let you pay for your order with someone else's credit card. I don't care if they're your friend, sibling, parent, grandparent, godfather or sugar daddy.

Yes, I am aware Prince Charles is the anti-Christ. Thank you.

If I do not respond in kind to your loud religious proclamation such as "God bless you!" or "Its such a blessed day from our Lord, isn't it?!" do not simply repeat it even louder. I'm not here to be converted. I'm here to offer you fabulous prices on DVDs.

At no point do I want or require any sort of back story from you unless you have just informed me that someone has been humping your patrol car.

I do not care if you saw a dog wandering around your neighbourhood at 2am that may or may not be lost or stray and decided to take him in thinking we would just whisk right out there and get him. This is not the city animal shelter. The animal shelter is closed right now. You took him in, its your responsibility. Deal with it.

I realize it is 4am, you're 273 years old and lonely. But I do not have the time or inclination to listen to you prattle on about your cats for 20 minutes in the middle of placing your order.

No I don't know why x is y price at Costco. This is not Costco and we do not even make x. No amount of "Yes, but"'s are going to change either of these facts.

The statement "Oh wow, someone is there this late?" really makes me want to punch you.

So does "I didn't wake you up, did I?".

Oh, and "uhh.....wait".

No, I do not know who "Sheila" is even when you elaborate and say she's the "tall blond" in the office. The client's office has over 200 employees. None of whom I have met as I am their after hours service. A fact I clearly stated at the beginning of this conversation.

I am also not about to do something for you that is normally against the client's policy just because this "Sheila" told you that you could.

You know what? Fuck Sheila.

Please stop breathing into the receiver.

No, you do not need to know my name in order to talk to me.

Please stop referring to me by my name. I don't know you, and I don't want to.

No, I will not tell you my last name. No, there is no consumer protection law that demands I give you that information either.

No, I will not give you x for y price because it was y price a month ago when you saw it.

No, that isn't false advertising either.

Do you even know what false advertising means?

I don't care how cute you think it is, making your 4 year old talk to me is god damn annoying. No one thinks its cute except you, and you're possible under the influence of some sort of narcotic.

On that same thread, if you do not speak English, please find someone other then your 4 year old to translate.

Repeating yourself or saying it slower will not magically grant me the ability to speak Mandarin either.

Why does everyone who calls to report a fire alarm or a burglar alarm feel the need to place the call while standing directly beside it?

No, really, fuck Sheila.



<deep breath>. Ok, I feel better now. -.-