Genetic Echo Chamber(tm)

[El Pollo Guerrera]

Dear Gravekeeper,
I commend you on not finding a way to snap on guests, but if you want black magic done, I promise to only charge 2.99 for a blank voodoo doll to which you can apply any name, race and age too and have fun with it! plenty of pins to, your choice of "Mildly annoying pain" to "Make feel like they've been run over by a Mack truck!"
Sincerely,
The apparent Voodoo Desk Clerk

(I've been accused of doing voodoo cause of my pentacle necklace..)

and I'm so sorry your callers make your head hurt.

You could start a mail order business.

"Send a detailed description and a few strands of hair of the 'recipient', along with $19.95 and we will send you an authentic genuine imitation voodoo doll!"

I can see your business card now: "Who do voodoo? WE do voodoo!"

Or, maybe a website flash game with an onscreen doll that you can 'personalize' and then stick with virtual pins. Then email it to the 'recipient"...

[superhotelworker]

They have a virtual voodoo!

Here Grave Virtual Voodoo. I think you need it.

[EricKei]

and the only reaction hearing it again illicit is scorn. Do you really want your tickets to be full of scorn? Scorn isn’t very lucky.

Far be it from me to pick nits...but yeah, I have to this time. I do believe that you mean "...elicits is scorn"

The gene pool has been stretched as far as it can possibly go and there’s certainly no fresh water being added. Never mind chlorine.

Dammit, dude. Now I gotta go buy a new Coke. And a monitor...and a keyboard...and a motherboard....>_<

[NateTheChops]

I'm beginning to wonder this more seriously and less jokingly with each passing week. >.>

Re-enforced false sense of security perhaps?

Sort of like Nicholas Cage in Lord of War. You know it's self-destructive on some level, but you're good at it.

That and the idea that somewhere, thousands of people would chip in for your lawyer fund if you were to snap and go on an international killing spree. Hell, some of us would drive you there.

Night of hard drinking on me if you swing through Vermont, as I'm convinced many of your customers hail from there at some point and I've been dying to clense the genepool there for a while.

[Gravekeeper]

That and the idea that somewhere, thousands of people would chip in for your lawyer fund if you were to snap and go on an international killing spree. Hell, some of us would drive you there.

This is a good point. Though it would not be a killing spree per say. It would just one unfortunate soul who happened to act like an idiot at just the wrong time. Utterly unaware that the gates of Mordor were already strained to capacity and required but one final push to burst forth upon him.

After scarring them for life, I would ok with my job again for a few more years. And whenever I get stressed out on shift I would just think back to my lone victim. Think of how he's now in an mental health facility, crying himself to sleep every night, and I would smile. Then everything would be well again.

Er....I mean...uh...<cough> voodoo, yeah, that's the ticket.

[MoonCat]

the gates of Mordor were already strained to capacity

So that's where my old boss went....

[mharbourgirl]

Night of hard drinking on me if you swing through Vermont, as I'm convinced many of your customers hail from there at some point and I've been dying to cleanse the genepool there for a while.

Add me to your list, GK. If you ever come back to the Maritimes, I'll load you up with booze and BBQ and I PROMISE there will be neither fish nor fiddles.

[dragon_wings]

It's official! I'm a GK fangirl!

[crashhelmet]

Of Course, Let Me Help You With That

SC: "There was no manual in the box, and its too big for me to download from your website. Can you just walk me through it?"

You want me to walk you through the 75 page manual of a major home renovation product with over 60 pieces that at several points requires exact measurements and a table saw, thus opening myself and the client up to liability for any financial or physical damage caused........and you want me to do this on a line where the client is charged, by us, per minute for this call?

Of course! I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Me: Help you with that? Sure. Take your hammer and knock several holes in all your walls, and then cut your finger(s) off with your saw. No... The manual doesn't say to do it, but I know you will anyway. Don't forget to knock yourself unconscious from inhaling the paint fumes.

CH

[Jester]

Me: “I’m sorry, but the line is very bad-“
SC: “But, I can still hear you!”

Good for you. I on the other hand can only hear all 3 acts of Madame Butterfly being performed concurrently by a thousand bees. You must be hearing at least some of it as well.

Not necessarily. Many times I have been on the phone with someone where I can hear them just fine, but they can't make out a word I'm saying, or claim there is a lot of interference, buzzing, etc....and yet I can't hear anything amiss. And vice versa. Though I agree with you that the caller is an idiot for thinking that just because they can hear you just fine, you should be able to hear them.

I would just like to take a moment to express my frustration and loathing for these people and attempt to find some way I might curse, hex or otherwise place some kind of supernatural pox upon the genitals of them and all they love. Unfortunately, my attempts to locate such services online have yielded very little. Or more specifically, black magic appears to require a credit card and it is difficult to have any confidence in a hex when it requires $9.99 per target.

What, you think hexes are FREE? Really? Tsk, tsk, my friend.

This is way too similar to people who come into the magic shop I work in and ask me to tell them how a trick they are interested in is done, so that they don't have to spend the money on buying it. Newsflash: you are paying for the secret, and for the instructions on how to do it, whether or not it comes with special props. I would imagine the same is true for hexes, poxes, curses, black magic, voodoo, and all other supernatural forms of bitch slapping someone.

So I will merely sit here and hope that my dark, roiling thoughts can somehow inspire some sort of tick or lice to migrate into their home en mass and turn its attention solely south of the border.

Ah, but with the proper guidance and/or instructions, you could do more than merely hope; you could cause it to happen. Suddenly $9.99 doesn't seem that steep a price to pay, does it?

I would advise you to keep in mind that I can make sure you lose.

Just out of curiosity, how can you do this, short of not processing their order? Or is that what you are referring to?

But still, dude, seriously….over $300 on baseball caps?

Perhaps he was buying gifts for friends and family.

If they were all for him, then yes, he is a douchebag loser asshole. And this is coming from someone who has a metric shit ton of baseball caps, mind you.

You want me to walk you through the 75 page manual of a major home renovation product with over 60 pieces that at several points requires exact measurements and a table saw, thus opening myself and the client up to liability for any financial or physical damage caused........and you want me to do this on a line where the client is charged, by us, per minute for this call?

Of course! I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

What bothers me is I am not only not surprised by this particular encounter, I really don't think it is all that uncommon. And if anything speaks ill of the human race, that would be it.

GK, seriously, I don't know how you do it every day.

Nor do I.

Sure, I love my job, and most of my customers are pretty cool, or at least tolerable, but at least I have ways of dealing with the douchebags, morons, and idiots that you don't have available to you:

--I can ignore them.
--I can be a smartass to them.
--I can interact with them minimally, getting them what they need but otherwise avoiding them, while I chat with the cool people.
--If I am busy, I have an excuse in that I have drinks to make/orders to take!
--I can stock what needs to be stocked. (Not much of an option this time of year, sadly, as we are not selling much, therefore, not much stocking is needed.)
--I can throw the major assholes OUT. Or have the manager do it. Whichever.
--The major smartasses I can "punish," which in my case usually means a vile shot of whatever (usually warm Cuervo, unless they like tequila, then it's warm gin) which I place in front of them and say, "now drink your punishment." Almost all of them do, and rarely do they act up again after my amusing form of punishment.
--I can have the cool customers buy me shots to help me deal with the idiots.
--I can buy a (cool) customer a shot and do one with them, thus not only helping my mental health, but likely increasing my tip at the same time.
--Alternatively, I can buy a (cool) customer a drink, thus likely increasing my tip.

You, sadly, are forced to deal with each caller directly, focusing all your attention on each one as they come through. I, on the other hand, can rotate among my guests, avoiding the less pleasant ones.

[Mytical]

Since I have studied many different things, I know how to place hexes if I should desire. However, don't mess with things you do not understand. Either fork out the money to learn how to do it RIGHT, or leave it well enough alone.

[Whiskey]

SC: “Both manuals in the box are in Spanish, I AIN'T NO &*%# SPANIARD!!!@#$*&!”
annnnd rest.

people in spain don't speak SPANISH

mind blown

(im sure someone else has made this point but im too lazy to scroll through the pages heres some boobs ( ) ( ) )

[Jester]

people in spain don't speak SPANISH

What do they speak? French? Mandarin? Afrikaans?

They may not speak Mexican Spanish, and I know there is more than one language in Spain, but yes, they DO speak Spanish in Spain (or Espanol if you want to go native).

Silly rabbit.