Fecalpaint

[Sapphire Silk]

Despite all my years at this jump, there are somethings even I haven't heard before... >.>



Patient Zero

SC: “-Hey, listen! I also wanna order number xxxx-”
Me: “-Good evening-”

Wait….were….were you talking to the recording? You were, weren’t you? You were trying to tell the “Please hold for the next available operator” voice what you wanted to order. Oh God. You can’t be serious. That is a level of dimness I have not yet encountered on this line.


Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Huh?”
Me: “What is your name please?
SC: “…….G’asdj….uh….Roger.”

There are many names which are unisex in nature. Suitable for both man, and.....whatever you are. Vaguely woman? However, “Roger” is not one of them.


Me: “Your name is Roger or you’re ordering for Roger?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “..you’re ordering for Roger?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “May I speak with him then, please?”
SC: “Yep. I’m Roger!”
Me: “…..you just said you were placing an order for Roger.”
SC: “Yeah.”

This…..this is…..how do I put this? This caller is so mentally inept that her stupidity has created its own paradox. I am staring headlong into a Stupidity Paradox. And I am afraid.

"You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mindlessness; a journey into a sick and twisted land whose lack of boundaries are those of The Sucky Customer. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Gravekeeper Zone!"

As for the whole fecalpaint thing . . . work in corrections for awhile. We once had an Immigration detainee who wrote a letter of protest to the INS over their denial of his application for refugee status . . . on his cell wall, in his own shit.

[Megg]

Be goin’ west,
Life be peaceful der
Be goin’ west
Shit got open air
Be goin’ west
Where da sky be blue
Be goin’ west
Foo, dats what we do!

I literally went "bwahahahahaha" and got a weird look. I think I even snorted a bit when I got to the part about Mr. T. That kicks all kinds of ass!

[C. Cecil Ivanish]

You sir are a legend among men.

...he is a legend amongst legends.
"Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose customer service skills were the stuff of legend"...

[MrSmiley]

Them™? I’m not sure what you mean by…..ooooh, wait, you think I’m American too, don’t you? This is the part where I’m suppose to agree with you and we both lament about damn foreigners coming to Amerika and stealing our jerbs? Sorry, but I’m actually Canadian and technically you’re the foreigner at the moment. Though I do not fear you will commit thievery upon our job market. Mainly because they’re throwing you out of the country now.

This made my day! Well except for the opening Patient Zero was pretty darn good too.

[dragon_wings]

"Legend tells of a legendary warrior whose customer service skills were the stuff of legend"...

QFT.

[Food Lady]

That last call..I have no words. Except that I'm a little more intimidated by the guy across from me now.

[Alpha Strike]

This requires some context. We have a client with a 24 hour system, but not 24 hour support for said system. They forward their lines to us at night. This is not normally too much of a problem. But once every few months their end of the system goes down causing all 5000 of their clients to call me in a frothing rage for hours on end. At that point they use us as a scape goat, and I am growing deeply resentful of it.

So maybe I'm missing the obvious here but if you folks aren't a support line for this company, what's the point in having all those calls forwarded to your staff? Seems like a surefire way to further upset already pissed-off customers...

Musical Interlude

Be goin’ west,
Life be peaceful der…


Ah yes, truly a classic. By Mr. T, if I remember right.

Mr T made a song and I missed hearing it? I’ll have to add that to my “To Do” list, along with downloading Hasslehoff’s “Greatest Hits” CD and rupturing my own ear drums.

Yes, I'm An Asshole

Me: “And your last name please?”
SC: “Anderson”

Ahhh, Mr Anderson.

This would have been a way better story if the customer was actually smart enough to catch the reference and had played along.

GK: “Ahhh, Mr Anderson.”
SC: “My name… is NEO!”

[Gravekeeper]

So maybe I'm missing the obvious here but if you folks aren't a support line for this company, what's the point in having all those calls forwarded to your staff? Seems like a surefire way to further upset already pissed-off customers..

That is precisely the problem. As I said, I'm basically being scapegoated every time it happens. I really don't know whats going on over there. The client has two offices, one on each coast. West coast offers 24/7 support, east coast does not. So really if they're on the western half of the continent, I can actually help them no problem. If they're back east, they're fubar but they leave this line open for me to take messages anyway. Messages they never, ever respond too.

Drives me crazy.

[Star]

Damn you Grave, I spit soda. :P

I spit smoothie (by now I should know better than to drink anything while reading GK)

[Gravekeeper]

I spit smoothie (by now I should know better than to drink anything while reading GK)

Damn straight, nobody swallows in my threads............wait.

[Dentarthurdent]

Damn straight, nobody swallows in my threads............wait.

Gods, I love it when you talk filthy...

[C. Cecil Ivanish]

Damn you Grave, I spit soda. :P

You read a Gravekeeper post and STILL keep beverages nearby?

That is precisely the problem. As I said, I'm basically being scapegoated every time it happens.

Is it you, Benjamin Malaussene?

[infinitemonkies]

Why is it that the crazy people and the ones with only one or two brain cells can always figure out how to dial the phone?

I've commented on this before, and it's a really disturbing thought:

Those callers who get through are the elite, the best and brightest of that festering geneswamp of inbred stupidity. For that area, being able to make the call is the intellectual equivalent of scoring 1600 on the SATs.

Sure, they may be too stupid to know their own names, but they are all, everyone one of them, geniuses compared to the majority, who we never hear from, because they aren't smart enough to dial a phone.

Consider this: for every stupid caller GK gets on this line, how many THOUSANDS of wrong numbers are dialed trying to order pants and hats at 3am?

[Sapphire Silk]

I've commented on this before, and it's a really disturbing thought:

Those callers who get through are the elite, the best and brightest of that festering geneswamp of inbred stupidity. For that area, being able to make the call is the intellectual equivalent of scoring 1600 on the SATs.

Sure, they may be too stupid to know their own names, but they are all, everyone one of them, geniuses compared to the majority, who we never hear from, because they aren't smart enough to dial a phone.

Consider this: for every stupid caller GK gets on this line, how many THOUSANDS of wrong numbers are dialed trying to order pants and hats at 3am?

Ahgh! You did not have to go there. I have enough trouble understanding why people order things at o dark hundred to start with (I worked nights for years but I never ordered clothing at that hour).

But the idea of idiots dialing wrong numbers is just too much . . .

[PaperTiger]

GK, you are the Spartacus to all retail slaves. May you use your power wisely and well.

And please, take back the refugee from Nunavut who managed to wander many thousands of miles out of his way to end up in our store yesterday.