The Internet is For Porn ( Unless You Live In The Middle East )

[Star]

It appears I have constructed the perfect cat toy to keep my cat company whilst I am at work. I purchased a seemingly innocent catnip stuffed bird like…thing….from <store by office> this morning. As really my cat’s only criteria for a toy is “Will any part of it fit in my mouth”. Only to get it home and discover it has some sort of unholy device instead which causes it to emit “realistic bird sounds” using a motion sensor. “Realistic bird sounds” apparently means “Dying Geese in Heat”. It is the most horrific skull piercing sound and it’s loud for such a small toy. Easily able to rouse me from slumber from clear across the house. Plus it goes on for at least 10 seconds.

To confound matters I sliced my hand open trying to free it from the plastic time capsule it calls “packaging”. So now she has a cat toy that smells like cat nip, tastes like blood, and screeches whenever she bites or claws it. In other words exactly like me with the exception of food dispensing. Thus, as I say, she now has the perfect analog to keep her company while I’m at work.

Hmm, I must procure one of these for my Masters, thus enabling me to make good my escape ... *ahem* I mean, my cats would love that ....

[MoonCat]

Ease of Use

Me: “Alright, and the item number please?”
SC: “Uh, I’ll just give you the number to make it easier.”

I think I talked to this guy's relative. I asked a customer how he would like his ad to read, and his response was, "First things first, let me tell you what I want to say in the ad."

How Get You Get That?

Me: “Alright, and the VISA number please?”
SC: “Uh, dis ma first time usin' VISA. What you mean? You need the number on the front?”

Yeah *sigh* I get these, too. Every day.

Hot Tips: Yet Another Challenger Appears


SC: “I think, the stuff….with like Al Qaeda needs to be straightened out. It’s not me, it’s just the way I’m thinking. You’re going about it the wrong way and uh….you’re not attacking the idea about the virgins. You should shut that one down. You need to shut down the virgins. We have to get rid of their virgins.”

I'm guessing this guy is not aware that the virgins in question are in the afterlife. With this kind of grasp on logic, he may get there sooner than he thinks.

Hmmm….wait a sec, I know! Dr Seuss!

They do not come in black or red. They come in blue and blue I said.
We once had black. We once had red. But we sold them all so it’s blue instead.
Of medium I fear there’s none. Of small and large there’s near a ton.
That aside, it’s two in the morn! Calling now just earns my scorn.
I fear you’re drunk! And really lonely?
But still I’d listen! If you’d just learn "only".

The next Newbery award winner, if I get a vote.

SC: “It’s the year of the king. Jesus is coming back like a thief in the night.”

This would make a great signature on this site!!

Riveting Television

C: “Do have DVDs of that Tupperware show?”

….Tupperware….show? There’s a show on Tupperware?

This made me go Have you ever been to a Tupperware sales meeting? I went with a friend once. The memory still makes me twitch.

THE Pants

Me: “Alright, that will come to $380.15-”
SC: “$380,000?”

….yes, that’s right. $380,000. You have inadvertently, or perhaps purposefully, ordered the single most glorious pair of pants ever sewn by the hands of men. Spider’s silk gathered by virgin maidens in the deep of the Amazon then soaked in the saliva of a white elk before being rolled in the finest diamond dust, gently soaked in the Dalai Llama’s bath water then sewn with a golden needle in the hands of a 100 year old Chinese master who has never once left his temple in all his 100 years to be tainted by the outside world. Affixed with a button and zipper forged from the purest silver and cooled in million year old glacier water drilled from an ice core half a mile deep in the Antarctic. Due to their extravagance and delicacy we cannot ship them via any sort of motor vehicle. Instead they will be hand delivered to you in 2-3 months by a pair of Sherpas accompanied by a Shinto priest who cleanse them of evil every morning and every night of every day till they reach you. These are a pair of leggings so glorious that even the act of zipping up the fly redirects you to GreatOral.net.

Unfortunately, they’re also on back order.

Perfection.

SC: “I can browsing sex websites?” <insert cat macro here>

Damn it, now all I can picture is an innocent kitteh browsing naughty websites!!

I really needed the laughs today. Thank you!!

[Becks]

GreatOral.net

You have inadvertently, or perhaps purposefully, ordered the single most glorious pair of pants ever sewn by the hands of men. Spider’s silk gathered by virgin maidens in the deep of the Amazon then soaked in the saliva of a white elk before being rolled in the finest diamond dust, gently soaked in the Dalai Llama’s bath water then sewn with a golden needle in the hands of a 100 year old Chinese master who has never once left his temple in all his 100 years to be tainted by the outside world. Affixed with a button and zipper forged from the purest silver and cooled in million year old glacier water drilled from an ice core half a mile deep in the Antarctic. Due to their extravagance and delicacy we cannot ship them via any sort of motor vehicle. Instead they will be hand delivered to you in 2-3 months by a pair of Sherpas accompanied by a Shinto priest who cleanse them of evil every morning and every night of every day till they reach you. These are a pair of leggings so glorious that even the act of zipping up the fly redirects you to GreatOral.net.

The pair of pants I've always wanted!!!!!

Unfortunately, they’re also on back order.

Damn you!!! *sob*

[Teefies2]

And once again, the main reason I come to this website ... GK's posts! I used to come to complain and commiserate, but there is no one and nobody who can compare to the GREAT GK!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for making me laugh/goggle so hard I wake up the rest of the family!

[Jester]

C: “Do have DVDs of that Tupperware show?”

….Tupperware….show? There’s a show on Tupperware?

C: “It had all the history of Tupperware and-“

…..the history of Tupperware?

A little quick google fu shows me that, whatever you may think of the content, such a program does exist.

Why anyone would want to watch it is beyond me. But then again, why anyone would want to eat olives, live in a cold climate, or watch "Dancing With the Stars" is also beyond me.

[Racket_Man]

How Get You Get That?

Me: “Alright, and the VISA number please?”
SC: “Uh, dis ma first time usin' VISA. What you mean? You need the number on the front?”

…..How did you even get a VISA? At the very least there’s an application process involved. Which I imagine is a fairly complex form that requires you to accurately answer a series of questions. Very similar to the ones that I ask of you on a nightly basis. And we’re both vividly aware of just how well that has played out in the past. Or rather, I’m vividly aware but after this call you’ll go and drink away the memories of this and everything else about your dull pants-centric existence. Again. There has to be some explanation for the sheer number of pants you guys order and chronic alcoholism is as good an explanation as any. Possibly coupled with a family tree shaped like a lamp post.

Darn IT GK I heartily apologise for the local water leaching all the way up to you. The aquiffer is spreading somehow..

Something in the Water thread posted by me

[shadowpanda]

My head always kind of hurts after reading your posts, Gravekeeper. How the hell you haven't resorted you playing a tape of standard replies when the inane questions start coming is beyond me.
I'm thinking along the lines of tech support people having the standard 'have you turned it off and on again' line.

[Gravekeeper]

i'm thinking he had to call on a non family member to complete the application, and even then, it took a few months to figure out.

It was definately her card. I had to listen to her regal me with the tale of how she had just gotten it. I on the other hand am more concerned with how an application got that far north. That's a pretty impressive distance for junk mailings.

A little quick google fu shows me that, whatever you may think of the content, such a program does exist.

....you know, the scariest part about this....is that the one you linked is the wrong show. Which means there are two shows about the history of Tupperware.... >.>

My head always kind of hurts after reading your posts, Gravekeeper. How the hell you haven't resorted you playing a tape of standard replies when the inane questions start coming is beyond me.

Would be nice. But our call variety is too dynamic and while thats possible in our software, it leaves evidence. <cough>

[Can I Help Your A$$?]

Porn was invented in the Middle East. A shame they deny their greatest contribution since ... numbers. (Almost said Dualistic Religion, but that wouldn't be allowed.)

[C. Cecil Ivanish]

That sound quite entertaining compared to The Bakelite Museum.

Oh, my brain hurts seeing that they charge for visiting it - therefore there must be people actually going and paying 5 quid... but only from Easter to the end of October! WE ARE RUNNING LATE!

....you know, the scariest part about this....is that the one you linked is the wrong show. Which means there are two shows about the history of Tupperware.... >.>

Oh, the variety of the world. I can picture that caller debating with his extended family and breaking relations stretching down for GENERATIONS in the struggle to pick which of the two Tupperware documentaries to purchase. And you... you... you broke his dream.
Well done.

[Sapphire Silk]

SC: “I think, the stuff….with like Al Qaeda needs to be straightened out. It’s not me, it’s just the way I’m thinking. You’re going about it the wrong way and uh….you’re not attacking the idea about the virgins. You should shut that one down. You need to shut down the virgins. We have to get rid of their virgins.”

Hmm. Sounds like some of the people who live in my neck of the woods. Makes sense they'd call you . . . heaven forbid they call the "revenoorers"

To confound matters I sliced my hand open trying to free it from the plastic time capsule it calls “packaging”. So now she has a cat toy that smells like cat nip, tastes like blood, and screeches whenever she bites or claws it. In other words exactly like me with the exception of food dispensing. Thus, as I say, she now has the perfect analog to keep her company while I’m at work.

Hmm. Sounds like you've got the perfect product to go into business with. Better to sell blood covered cat toys than endure the endless mass orders of pants.

Hmmm….wait a sec, I know! Dr Seuss!

They do not come in black or red. They come in blue and blue I said.
We once had black. We once had red. But we sold them all so it’s blue instead.
Of medium I fear there’s none. Of small and large there’s near a ton.
That aside, it’s two in the morn! Calling now just earns my scorn.
I fear you’re drunk! And really lonely?
But still I’d listen! If you’d just learn "only".

*pant pant pant* Please stop. I can't breathe.

THE Pants

Me: “Alright, that will come to $380.15-”
SC: “$380,000?”

….yes, that’s right. $380,000. You have inadvertently, or perhaps purposefully, ordered the single most glorious pair of pants ever sewn by the hands of men. Spider’s silk gathered by virgin maidens in the deep of the Amazon then soaked in the saliva of a white elk before being rolled in the finest diamond dust, gently soaked in the Dalai Llama’s bath water then sewn with a golden needle in the hands of a 100 year old Chinese master who has never once left his temple in all his 100 years to be tainted by the outside world. Affixed with a button and zipper forged from the purest silver and cooled in million year old glacier water drilled from an ice core half a mile deep in the Antarctic. Due to their extravagance and delicacy we cannot ship them via any sort of motor vehicle. Instead they will be hand delivered to you in 2-3 months by a pair of Sherpas accompanied by a Shinto priest who cleanse them of evil every morning and every night of every day till they reach you. These are a pair of leggings so glorious that even the act of zipping up the fly redirects you to GreatOral.net.

Unfortunately, they’re also on back order.

Oh, my aching back. And I broke Rule 1.

[Chromatix]

Okay, so you give your life for the glory of Islam, and you get 49 virgins in the afterlife.

But this just means that they round up 50 of you at random and shove you in together. I don't think it specifically says that they'll be of the opposite sex...

[Gravekeeper]

Okay, so you give your life for the glory of Islam, and you get 49 virgins in the afterlife.

But this just means that they round up 50 of you at random and shove you in together. I don't think it specifically says that they'll be of the opposite sex...

Actually, not only does it specify but you're given a choice. ( No, seriously. ) >>>

[morgana]

I like Chromatix' version better . . .

[AriRashkae]

Better than putting them on Mom's face when she's sleeping....

Fixed that for you. Mine did that. And then the thing hid under my pillow.