Wherein I Usher In The New Year. Apparently as a Prostitute. ( Epic <sob. )

[Andara Bledin]

“Depraved lust” shouldn’t factor into the process of ordering clothing.

Considering some of your callers, I'm not sure it doesn't more often than you realize.

Hell, that could be why they have so much trouble remembering simple things like, say, their address. >_>

Yeeeeep, I’m a dead man. If someone would be so kind as to swing by my place, pick up my cat and drop it off at my mom’s house with your condolences, that would be great.

And this is why even we, who would protect you from these sorts, don't know where you work.

You’re up in the dead of night on New Year’s Eve watching Nash Bridges? And you're not even stoned? Truly yours is a blessed life.

I do believe I was watching either Monk or Lie to Me, myself.

One on one conversations with real students, housewives and working girls in your area!

So, I guess this would be another hash for someone thinking you sounded female?

Why did the cops have to wait until call#7 to give Jackie a nice warm place to sleep for the night? One with bars?

She probably wasn't quite breaking any laws they could drag her in for.

^-.-^

[Becks]

H I don’t pass this phone number off to a totally different company at dawn when our company has to return to its coffin.

pants
I always get it so wrong when I try to picture your company. *pout*

[cinema guy]

GK have you tried: "These aren't the pants you're looking for."

I know the Jedi mind trick doesn't work on CSers, but your customers from the Northern climes do seem to be weak minded.

[XCashier]

Look here, Squirtle, this isn’t going to work. I applaud your creative attempts at deception, but your plan is ill conceived. I know that, given the line you’re calling on, you’re probably use to adults that aren’t precisely what one would call the sharpest tools in the shed. But I would caution you that such grownups are actually a regional anomaly and not the status quo.

And thank God for that! The mere idea of a whole planet full of "Jim"s is just too ghastly to contemplate.

My, you’re just like a big drunk Teletubby, aren’t you?... You should probably keep a better eye on Tipsy and Drinky Winky.

Jackie lives at one the buildings <client> owns and Jackie is locked out. For some reason, Jackie thought this was a police matter and has called the police to assist her. Jackie apparently causes quite a few police matters as the Constable indicated this is the 6th time they’ve been at this building this evening thanks to Jackie. Jackie has already been pepper sprayed once at some point it already. Jackie is truly a fine, upstanding citizen.

When the police called about Jackie, they decided that Jackie should probably be taken to a shelter for this evening as they can’t wait around for maintenance to come unlock her door. Plus Jackie is skunk ass drunk if her slurred blathering in the background is any indication.

Oh jeeze. We've got to get Jim and Jackie together. But forcibly sterilize them both first.

GK have you tried: "These aren't the pants you're looking for."

I know the Jedi mind trick doesn't work on CSers, but your customers from the Northern climes do seem to be weak minded.

Well, the problem with that is, the target has to actually have a mind to begin with, even if only a rudimentary one. The Jedi mind trick doesn't work on rocks, plants or Gravekeeper's customers for just that reason.

[Stryker One]

No, we really shouldn't.

Oh jeeze. We've got to get Jim and Jackie together.

Have you seen Ghostbusters!? I think that would be an extraordinarily bad idea.

[Argus]

So, does this mean that first caller has gone totally pants?

[XCashier]

Have you seen Ghostbusters!? I think that would be an extraordinarily bad idea.

Hee! And for much the same reasons; that much concentrated evil/suck/loserness would open up the gates of Hell. Which, I suspect, are actually located in Nunavut...

[El Pollo Guerrera]

PANTS...
If I didn't know any better, I'd think that Gravekeeper is the unfortunate recurring victim of a very long phone prank. Kind of an Inuvit version of "Crank Yankers". Cassette tapes of his calls are being circulated by dog sled to tens of fans around the Arctic Circle.

[fireheart]

Those would be in the ones in the background that just said, and I quote: “Rsha fanglish saish a dick!” I take it? You should probably keep a better eye on Tipsy and Drinky Winky.

What are Laa-laa and Po doing then? Lesbian orgy? (yes apparaently Laa-Laa and Po are girls....)

Me: “Good evening, <company>.”
SC: “Is this <phone sex line>?”
Me: “No…no its not”
SC: “Is this 1-800-xxx-xxxx?”
Me: “…..this is <company>, you’re calling the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh, are you sure?”

GK: Hi my name is Joseph Tiffany, I can be whatever you want me to be

(those of us who enjoy Lupo's shenanigans will know what I'm talking about)


Also.....

pants pants pants,
they're very useful things,
If we didn't have pants, what would we use,
To keep our danglies in?

Don't hate me.
(For you Aussie folk who grew up watching Play School, the song is known as "Bags Bags Bags")

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

We really need to avoid that area now. They've been overrun with clothing zombies wandering the countryside in their eternally damned quest to consume pants.

We need to dust off and nuke the area from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

[Jester]

“Depraved lust” shouldn’t factor into the process of ordering clothing.

The fact that Frederick's of Hollywood, Victoria's Secret, and other similar businesses are a multi-billion dollar industry says that not everyone agrees with you on this point.

I don’t mind honestly admitting you creep me out and strike me as the sort of person that keeps duct tape and handcuffs in his trunk.

You say that as if keeping duct tape and handcuffs in one's trunk is a bad thing.

What? WHAT?

SC: “I wanna order pants.”

This is slowly moving from “desire” to “mental affliction”. Why do you want them so badly? They’re just clothes, man. It’s not that important.

Something tells me you would put more stock in its importance if Jim walked into your office without pants.

Just saying.

The other pants are starting to ask questions. It’s only a matter of time before they figure out the truth and turn you in.

Since we're talking about pants here, wouldn't they take him in? Or perhaps hem him in?

.......wait a sec. You seriously are trying to order women's clothing aren't you?

Gravekeeper, meet Jame Gumm. But you can call him Bill. And whatever you do, don't forget to put the lotion in the basket.

...you want to play checkers online? Checkers? At 2am?

I would like to say something, but considering I have wasted countless hours, including many of the wee hours, playing Minesweeper....not much I can really say on this one.

Transit cops don’t like it when you hold a Skytrain door open long enough to shut down the entire system.

This is not unique to the Skytrain. I am guessing authorities with any rail system, such as Skytrain or the new light rail in Phoenix, don't like it when you hold the door open overly long, essentially holding the entire train hostage, say for example when you and all your drunk friends are coming back from a Diamondbacks baseball game, and you wait for and yell at your one really drunk friend who won't get on the train because he is too busy spending hundreds of dollars buying complete and total strangers shots of Patron, and he won't listen to reason and get on the goddamn train, even though it is the last train of the night.

Not, mind you, that I've ever done anything like that.

“OH MY GOD ITS SO COLD WHY IS IT SO COLD WHAT THE HELL?!?!” the answer is A) It’s December and B) You’ve wisely chosen to wear a handkerchief for a skirt.

I believe the actual correct answer is "A) It’s December and B) You live in Canada!"

He’s probably not going to like one guy passed out faced down in your toilet and the other guy butt naked eating Fruit Loops out of the kitchen sink with a mixing spoon either.

Especially since everyone knows that if you're butt naked eating Fruit Loops out of the kitchen sink, you really should be using a trowel.

Mixing spoon? Indeed.

And so it begins. An alcohol fueled onslaught of tipsy cabana monkeys desperately trying to operate a keypad to obtain transportation.

If I didn't operate almost exclusively from speed dial, I might think that I was one of those callers. Because I was quite hammered on New Year's Eve, but fortuitously got a ride home from some friends I bumped into. Considering my level of intoxication, I probably literally bumped into them. But since he is literally more than twice my mass, it's amazing he even noticed me.

Me: “No, you have the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh, because I ordered something two weeks ago and it hasn’t arrived yet a-“

No, no, no, no. There is no “because” in this conversation. You don’t get to use a “because”.

I also didn’t identify myself as a bartender, therapist or therapist bartender, so I certainly don’t have the slightest shred of interest in hearing about your inane troubles.

While I as a bartender may feign interest in my clientele's issues (or may actually be genuinely interested, depending upon the patron themselves), even I don't feign interest in the tales of someone who is calling the bar because they dialed the wrong number.

Me: “…..this is <company>, you’re calling the wrong number.”
SC: “Oh, are you sure?”

You know, seeing as I’m not a real student, housewife or......“working girl”, I’m curious as to why you persisted in your disbelief past my initial denial.

Perhaps he thought you were the receptionist, the operator, the staff member who directed him to the object of his wanton desires. Perhaps he thought you were....the Pussy Gate Keeper.

Why did the cops have to wait until call#7 to give Jackie a nice warm place to sleep for the night? One with bars?

She probably wasn't quite breaking any laws they could drag her in for.

Disturbing the public, public intoxication, not obeying a law enforcement officer, harrassment.....should I go on?

[Gravekeeper]

If I didn't know any better, I'd think that Gravekeeper is the unfortunate recurring victim of a very long phone prank. Kind of an Inuvit version of "Crank Yankers". Cassette tapes of his calls are being circulated by dog sled to tens of fans around the Arctic Circle.

I would sleep much better at night ( ...and day ) if that were true. But alas it is all too real. The first call still baffles me now days later. I really should check to see if he called back later during the day too. My coworkers aren't use to the horrors I witness at night. But most of our clients were closed over the New Years holidays, so we were taking 100% of their calls all day. Its possible the woefully unprepared daywalkers came face to face with all that I fear.

The fact that Frederick's of Hollywood, Victoria's Secret, and other similar businesses are a multi-billion dollar industry says that not everyone agrees with you on this point.

I will concede that, though point out it should not extend to hats and track pants. Though it would have been far more creepy if he was ordering women's lingerie instead of shorts. Luckily, we don't have any clients that sell lacey underthings.

Gravekeeper, meet Jame Gumm. But you can call him Bill. And whatever you do, don't forget to put the lotion in the basket.

Gah!

Especially since everyone knows that if you're butt naked eating Fruit Loops out of the kitchen sink, you really should be using a trowel.

That would require a trip to the shed, and its Canada outside. -.-

Perhaps he thought you were the receptionist, the operator, the staff member who directed him to the object of his wanton desires. Perhaps he thought you were....the Pussy Gate Keeper.

....I....er....um. I have been the Pussy Gatekeeper before. Seriously. At my old company which I'm not sure I've ever spoke of, we *did* have a client which was the gateway to a phone sex line. Our job was to obtain credit card info before they were allowed to frolic amongst the interest feigning boobies.

We all hated that line so much, but our boss back then would take any client, regardless of whether or not it was a good idea. We usually didn't keep them too long because the staff would revolt after the 2nd or 3rd caller they got in one shift that was already halfway there when he called.

I can, off hand, think of two such clients we had that ended up with many, many calls being transferred to me ( As I was both the supervisor and the only guy on shift some nights ). Only kept them for maybe a month because every female in the office refused to take the calls anymore.

[Jester]

I will concede that, though point out it should not extend to hats and track pants.

I tend to agree with that, but everyone has their own fetishes and quirks. I'm a fan of girls in shorts and tank tops myself; I have no doubt that there are guys who have fond memories/fantasies of girls in track pants and/or hats. I know, it doesn't seem to make sense. I don't get it either. But then, I have never gotten the whole foot/shoe fetish thing, and that seems to be rather not uncommon. Go figger.

Though it would have been far more creepy if he was ordering women's lingerie instead of shorts.

Oh, I disagree. Women's lingerie would make MORE sense to me, rather than less. Whether he was ordering for a woman in his life (however unlikely that may seem) or for himself, getting lost in his own fantasies ordering this kind of stuff makes more sense to me than, as you say, track pants and hats. But whatever. To each their own.

That would require a trip to the shed, and its Canada outside.

And logic has precisely what to do with drunks and their eating habits?

....I....er....um. I have been the Pussy Gatekeeper before. Seriously. At my old company which I'm not sure I've ever spoke of, we *did* have a client which was the gateway to a phone sex line. Our job was to obtain credit card info before they were allowed to frolic amongst the interest feigning boobies.

See? I rest my case. Not only does such a scenario actually make sense, you've actually experienced it before!

[Justsomegirl]

Here is a good one for you Customer keeps saying I'm going to place a "Big Order". But keeps asking me all this stuff the company I work for. And saying I sound like a big ..... women. But I still can't hang up on him. Oh and if you call me "Honey, Babie" one more time we are going to make it possiblee for me to reach my hand through the phone and *** you!!

Oh and 30 to 40 mins latter the calls does get X rated so I can hang up. But I was on the edge the hole time.

[Becks]

(yes apparaently Laa-Laa and Po are girls....)

Knew about Laa-Laa, didn't know about Po.

I learned something new today!