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Wherein I Am Felled By Pestilence
A day early this week, as I hath fallen to the flu and can no longer work the rest of my week. All is misery and muscus. Someone brought it into the office and now its going through us like the T-Virus.
I fear it has also...coloured....my interactions with customers somewhat.
One Letter Wonder
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “Jung”
Me: “Can you spell that for me please?”
SC: “Jung.”
Me: “….Yes, but can you spell it for me, please?”
SC: “n.”
I know it’s your name and all, and far be it for me to tell you how to say your own name. But I believe the correct pronunciation would be “nnnnnn”, not “Jung”. Unless this is some woefully ill thought out plan to be like Prince and spell your name as nothing more than a single symbol. In which case I should point out that this would require a minimum level of shirt ruffles you simply do not possess.
The Hunt
One or more of you in this office has given me some sort of wintery plague that inflicts my head and throat with pestilence. I beseech whomever you are to come forward and join forces with me. I need your help to track down the original carrier and slay them, thus freeing us all from this terrible curse. They are likely a formidable beast and no one of us could stand against it alone. But together, we can perhaps overcome this savage creature.
…..granted there is a slight possibility I’m confusing the flu with werewolves. Is it silver or chicken soup that can kill a werewolf? I never remember right.
Fair Warning
SC: “Can you make sure it’s the winning ticket?”
Look here, kid. I like you, I really do. You’re a good kid, lotta spunk. But let level with you: At this point in the lottery you’re honestly lucky I’m making sure it’s a ticket and not just a shoebox with a dead bird inside.
Don't Trifle With Me
SC: “I wanted to know what your products for.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I think you may have the wrong number.”
SC: “Uh, yeah, well, I think you’re retarded!”
Me: “…..yeees, you definitely have the wrong number.”
SC: “Yeah, well you’re definitely retarded.”
Me: “Yeah, well stones from a glass house.”
SC: "Wha?"
Me: "Bye bye now."
Mild slip of the tongue, my apologies. In my defense, I don't think he got it anyway.
Oh God, Not Again
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “J…..Jim.”
Me: “…I’m sorry, your name is Jim?”
No offence, but you sound a tad too young and a tad too female to pull off “Jim”.
Me: “You’re placing an order for Jim?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “Alright, I’d have to speak with Jim then. I can’t just place it in his name.”
SC: “Wait…………hello, I’d like to order please.”
….oh god, again? We have to do this again? Look, I’m going to tell you the same thing I told the other kid. If you’re a little girl and you try to make your voice deeper, you just sound like a little girl trying to make her voice deeper. Not like a grown man. Why in the world are we doing this again? It’s not like the previous attempts from your brethren succeeded. There’s no precedent for actual success. None of you have any talent for mimicry and it is beyond me why you’re under the impression that you do.
Me: “……can I speak to Jim please.”
SC: “…Hi, my name is Jim.”
Me: “You’re just changing your voice.”
Again, trying a different voice is not going to succeed. Even if I were to ignore the fact that Jim #3 somehow magically teleported to the phone and took over for Jim #2 inside of 2 seconds without a sound. You are asking me to believe that not only does Jim sound like a little girl, but that he is also a ninja.
SC: “Uh, that was my daughter.”
Me: “…Sorry, I’ll have to speak with Jim if you want to place an order in his name.”
SC: “It’s me! Jim! ………uh, I’m a girl!”
Yes, I believe that was my point.
Just Give Up
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Tara.”
Hello again, Jim. Is Tara your true identity? Have you decided to prostrate yourself before me in your true form? Very well then, I will at least entertain your presence a moment.
Me: “Can you spell the first name please?”
SC: “Tara.”
Me: “Yes, but can you spell it, please?”
SC: “……………Tara. T………..T……..era?
Kid #2 Voice In Background: "<whisper> T-A-R-A!”
…..Alright, then. Guess not. Truly you are a master of disguise. If only I could pull back all of your many faces and unravel your secret identity once and for all. <cough>.
Me: “Are you trying to place an order for Tara?”
SC: “Uh…no, I’m Tara!”
Me: “And you seriously don’t know how to spell your own name?”
SC: “.....No.”
That may be the first honest thing you’ve said so far.
The Village Of Five Names
C: “Can you put a little N after my first name? There’s another girl with the same name here, but she’s really older than me.”
…..Sure, but if I may interject: You live in a village with a population of 520. It’s liable you know and/or are related to all 520 as well. So I somehow doubt the post office is going to confuse the two of you since the postmaster is probably both of your father’s sister’s cousin.
Also, with only 520. How did you run out of names already?'
The Upside
Well, on the downside I’ve lost 50% of my voice and breakfast came back to visit within an hour. On the upside, I still have the other 50% and I’ve managed to not regurgitate anything on company property. Always gotta look at the silver lining! Still, I fear I may not hold on long enough to see the original beast slain to break this curse. If I lose the last of my humanity come the next full moon, one of you will have to use the chicken soup to put me down once and for all. It’s the only way.
Why Do You Do This?
SC: “I’m running a fever, every time I go to pee it hurts in my penis.”
Right, hold that thought. May I just ask one quick question? Why are you calling your building manager about this?
Futility
You don’t have your hearing aid in, and I can’t raise my voice. Truly, this an unstoppable force vs an immobile object. A titanic struggle for which there may never be any victor. We are doomed to pointlessly grapple with each other until the end of time itself. Whilst lesser mortals cower and flee from the tremors of our meeting.
Will we never escape this doomed struggle?
Sigh
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “……uhh…………………”
This really should be the easiest part of this entire process for you. Since it encompasses your entire purpose in life. You need only make some sort of affirmative noise here. It doesn’t have to be a clear word. Just give me some sort of indication of “yes”. It has to be verbal though. You can’t wave your hands at the phone or lick the receiver or anything, I can’t see that. Thankfully.
Grunt once for yes, twice for no.
SC: “I’m calling from <Village of regular offenders with a 3 digit population>”
While I did not ask where you were, that statement does actually answer why you can’t respond to simple questions. You are neither the first nor will you be the last to call from there. And sadly, most of my interactions with your community have been doomed to failure thus far. I continue to hold out hope that one day I will speak with someone actually coherent from your village. But I’ve gotten the impression thus far that anyone in your village that is coherent likely gets back into the airplane and leaves after he’s finished dropping off the mail.
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Oh! OH OH! It’s Dawn.”
….Ok. I understand. You’re excited. This is the first question you were actually able to comprehend and answer. I will allow you a brief moment to revel in this accomplishment. But I warn you far more difficult challenges still lay ahead.
Me: “How do you spell that please?”
SC: “D……..D……uh……D….”
Challenges such as this one.
Jackass
SC: “Wow, you’re up early! Hahaha!”
Yes. “Early”. That’s it. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I do so very wish that you lose your reproductive abilities to some sort of ermine today.
God Dammit!
SC: “My computer said to call for female hookers.”
…..o…kay. First of all, if you do everything your computer says while you’re browsing the internet you must live a desolate, terrified and penniless life crying yourself to sleep with your resoundingly below average sized penis. Second of all, I can’t believe I have to say this again, but I am not a female prostitute. I don’t know how this misconception originally came up, nor why it is persisting, but I assuring you I am nothing of the sort. I am a simple CSR, not a lady of the evening. Sailors have never once been involved in any of my shifts here……Cept maybe that one time. But that was a total fluke.
<sob>
Me: “And your phone number please?”
SC: “I’m in room 321.”
…no, no no no no. Your phone number please. There is no reason for me to need your room number. For the last time, I’m not a call girl. Where are you all getting this from? Is there a Craig’s List ad or something?
Nice Try
Whilst I admire your persistent and devotion to your convictions, the price of an item doesn’t change just because you keep saying “No” when I tell you how much it costs. You’re going to have to come up with a far more compelling argument than that if you actually expect me to barter with you. Oddly enough, this is not a flea market.
Also, calling back and hanging up every time you get me isn’t going to make the price change either. I’m not making the prices up myself to be spiteful, despite the temptation. You’re not going to hit the bargain jackpot by talking to anyone else. We all read from the same list.
Plus, I'm the only one here.
annnd rest....extensively. Till the blight leaves me. >.>
I fear it has also...coloured....my interactions with customers somewhat.
One Letter Wonder
Me: “And your first name please?”
SC: “Jung”
Me: “Can you spell that for me please?”
SC: “Jung.”
Me: “….Yes, but can you spell it for me, please?”
SC: “n.”
I know it’s your name and all, and far be it for me to tell you how to say your own name. But I believe the correct pronunciation would be “nnnnnn”, not “Jung”. Unless this is some woefully ill thought out plan to be like Prince and spell your name as nothing more than a single symbol. In which case I should point out that this would require a minimum level of shirt ruffles you simply do not possess.
The Hunt
One or more of you in this office has given me some sort of wintery plague that inflicts my head and throat with pestilence. I beseech whomever you are to come forward and join forces with me. I need your help to track down the original carrier and slay them, thus freeing us all from this terrible curse. They are likely a formidable beast and no one of us could stand against it alone. But together, we can perhaps overcome this savage creature.
…..granted there is a slight possibility I’m confusing the flu with werewolves. Is it silver or chicken soup that can kill a werewolf? I never remember right.
Fair Warning
SC: “Can you make sure it’s the winning ticket?”
Look here, kid. I like you, I really do. You’re a good kid, lotta spunk. But let level with you: At this point in the lottery you’re honestly lucky I’m making sure it’s a ticket and not just a shoebox with a dead bird inside.
Don't Trifle With Me
SC: “I wanted to know what your products for.”
Me: “I’m sorry, I think you may have the wrong number.”
SC: “Uh, yeah, well, I think you’re retarded!”
Me: “…..yeees, you definitely have the wrong number.”
SC: “Yeah, well you’re definitely retarded.”
Me: “Yeah, well stones from a glass house.”
SC: "Wha?"
Me: "Bye bye now."
Mild slip of the tongue, my apologies. In my defense, I don't think he got it anyway.
Oh God, Not Again
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “J…..Jim.”
Me: “…I’m sorry, your name is Jim?”
No offence, but you sound a tad too young and a tad too female to pull off “Jim”.
Me: “You’re placing an order for Jim?”
SC: “Yeah.”
Me: “Alright, I’d have to speak with Jim then. I can’t just place it in his name.”
SC: “Wait…………hello, I’d like to order please.”
….oh god, again? We have to do this again? Look, I’m going to tell you the same thing I told the other kid. If you’re a little girl and you try to make your voice deeper, you just sound like a little girl trying to make her voice deeper. Not like a grown man. Why in the world are we doing this again? It’s not like the previous attempts from your brethren succeeded. There’s no precedent for actual success. None of you have any talent for mimicry and it is beyond me why you’re under the impression that you do.
Me: “……can I speak to Jim please.”
SC: “…Hi, my name is Jim.”
Me: “You’re just changing your voice.”
Again, trying a different voice is not going to succeed. Even if I were to ignore the fact that Jim #3 somehow magically teleported to the phone and took over for Jim #2 inside of 2 seconds without a sound. You are asking me to believe that not only does Jim sound like a little girl, but that he is also a ninja.
SC: “Uh, that was my daughter.”
Me: “…Sorry, I’ll have to speak with Jim if you want to place an order in his name.”
SC: “It’s me! Jim! ………uh, I’m a girl!”
Yes, I believe that was my point.
Just Give Up
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Tara.”
Hello again, Jim. Is Tara your true identity? Have you decided to prostrate yourself before me in your true form? Very well then, I will at least entertain your presence a moment.
Me: “Can you spell the first name please?”
SC: “Tara.”
Me: “Yes, but can you spell it, please?”
SC: “……………Tara. T………..T……..era?
Kid #2 Voice In Background: "<whisper> T-A-R-A!”
…..Alright, then. Guess not. Truly you are a master of disguise. If only I could pull back all of your many faces and unravel your secret identity once and for all. <cough>.
Me: “Are you trying to place an order for Tara?”
SC: “Uh…no, I’m Tara!”
Me: “And you seriously don’t know how to spell your own name?”
SC: “.....No.”
That may be the first honest thing you’ve said so far.
The Village Of Five Names
C: “Can you put a little N after my first name? There’s another girl with the same name here, but she’s really older than me.”
…..Sure, but if I may interject: You live in a village with a population of 520. It’s liable you know and/or are related to all 520 as well. So I somehow doubt the post office is going to confuse the two of you since the postmaster is probably both of your father’s sister’s cousin.
Also, with only 520. How did you run out of names already?'
The Upside
Well, on the downside I’ve lost 50% of my voice and breakfast came back to visit within an hour. On the upside, I still have the other 50% and I’ve managed to not regurgitate anything on company property. Always gotta look at the silver lining! Still, I fear I may not hold on long enough to see the original beast slain to break this curse. If I lose the last of my humanity come the next full moon, one of you will have to use the chicken soup to put me down once and for all. It’s the only way.
Why Do You Do This?
SC: “I’m running a fever, every time I go to pee it hurts in my penis.”
Right, hold that thought. May I just ask one quick question? Why are you calling your building manager about this?
Futility
You don’t have your hearing aid in, and I can’t raise my voice. Truly, this an unstoppable force vs an immobile object. A titanic struggle for which there may never be any victor. We are doomed to pointlessly grapple with each other until the end of time itself. Whilst lesser mortals cower and flee from the tremors of our meeting.
Will we never escape this doomed struggle?
Sigh
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “……uhh…………………”
This really should be the easiest part of this entire process for you. Since it encompasses your entire purpose in life. You need only make some sort of affirmative noise here. It doesn’t have to be a clear word. Just give me some sort of indication of “yes”. It has to be verbal though. You can’t wave your hands at the phone or lick the receiver or anything, I can’t see that. Thankfully.
Grunt once for yes, twice for no.
SC: “I’m calling from <Village of regular offenders with a 3 digit population>”
While I did not ask where you were, that statement does actually answer why you can’t respond to simple questions. You are neither the first nor will you be the last to call from there. And sadly, most of my interactions with your community have been doomed to failure thus far. I continue to hold out hope that one day I will speak with someone actually coherent from your village. But I’ve gotten the impression thus far that anyone in your village that is coherent likely gets back into the airplane and leaves after he’s finished dropping off the mail.
Me: “And your name please?”
SC: “Oh! OH OH! It’s Dawn.”
….Ok. I understand. You’re excited. This is the first question you were actually able to comprehend and answer. I will allow you a brief moment to revel in this accomplishment. But I warn you far more difficult challenges still lay ahead.
Me: “How do you spell that please?”
SC: “D……..D……uh……D….”
Challenges such as this one.
Jackass
SC: “Wow, you’re up early! Hahaha!”
Yes. “Early”. That’s it. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I do so very wish that you lose your reproductive abilities to some sort of ermine today.
God Dammit!
SC: “My computer said to call for female hookers.”
…..o…kay. First of all, if you do everything your computer says while you’re browsing the internet you must live a desolate, terrified and penniless life crying yourself to sleep with your resoundingly below average sized penis. Second of all, I can’t believe I have to say this again, but I am not a female prostitute. I don’t know how this misconception originally came up, nor why it is persisting, but I assuring you I am nothing of the sort. I am a simple CSR, not a lady of the evening. Sailors have never once been involved in any of my shifts here……Cept maybe that one time. But that was a total fluke.
<sob>
Me: “And your phone number please?”
SC: “I’m in room 321.”
…no, no no no no. Your phone number please. There is no reason for me to need your room number. For the last time, I’m not a call girl. Where are you all getting this from? Is there a Craig’s List ad or something?
Nice Try
Whilst I admire your persistent and devotion to your convictions, the price of an item doesn’t change just because you keep saying “No” when I tell you how much it costs. You’re going to have to come up with a far more compelling argument than that if you actually expect me to barter with you. Oddly enough, this is not a flea market.
Also, calling back and hanging up every time you get me isn’t going to make the price change either. I’m not making the prices up myself to be spiteful, despite the temptation. You’re not going to hit the bargain jackpot by talking to anyone else. We all read from the same list.
Plus, I'm the only one here.
annnd rest....extensively. Till the blight leaves me. >.>
He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.
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