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Hi, I've only been a Mac for three hours. (long and ranty)
Crowning achievement of human intelligence here, ladies and gentlemen. I found someone too stupid to use something designed to be quick, easy and efficient. That's going to be the crowner for this thread, though. First...
Tryin' to tell ya now, it's SABOTAAAAAAAAAAAAGE! Dun-dun-dundundun-duuun--
No individual story here, but a collection of them, and they all go the same way: the members that call in fitting this generalization all have one thing in common: they believe that when they switched over to the ISP I work for, we pretty much fucked their systems up somehow. Just a heads-up here:
1) We're only bringing the signal into your house. By plugging our equipment into your computer, the only thing that changes is the fact that you're being connected to the rest of the world. That should be the only thing that changes, and if something else happens because of it, you might want to get your computer checked for viruses.
2) Speaking of viruses, that trojan disguised as an antivirus program? We hate that fucking bug so much. Why in the world would we put it on your computer when it prevents us from doing any-fucking-thing to troubleshoot what's keeping you offline? For that matter, why would we sabotage your computer just for the sake of having you call a service that's free?
3) Why is your kid hitting a random button or seventeen on your remote our fault? We're a cable company, not a babysitting service! If you can't learn the essential child-rearing phrase 'No, no, no, put that down, sweetie, that's not a toy,' then we can't claim any liability.
Okay, enough ranting about that. I hope I made my point.
You, uh... do realize I'm Socialist, right?
Another fun one. One of the guy's cable boxes just... kept on cutting out MSNBC at random. Now, I'm still learning about the ins-and-outs of the boxes themselves, but a single channel cutting out on one of three cable boxes in the house just means that the one needs to be switched out for a new one. We all know who the real culprit is, however...
Me: "Thank you for calling <provider!> This is Zed with tech support; how may I help you today?"
SC: "Yeah, I ain't been getting MSNBC to stay on one of my boxes for the past couple of months."
That's right, folks, he'd waited two whole months to call in about this. I'm still trying to figure out if the tinfoil hat might've been on too tight.
SC: "It didn't bother me before, but now it's starting to get annoying, because I haven't been able to see a full episode of <I forget which show it was> for that long. I just wanna know how many ultra-conservatives you have working for <provider>, because there's no way any liberals would try to censor my shows."
Me: "..."
SC: "Now, I dunno whether you're liberal or not, but trying to keep me from watching one of my shows is just un-American."
Hearing that just gave me an all-new respect for Glenn Beck. Anyone whose die-hard fans make this guy look like he got his GED is worth some degree of props...
Me: "I'm really not the type to talk about my political leanings on shift, to be honest."
SC: "And another thing--"
Wait, there was a second complaint? Oh fuck.
SC: "--I was going through your automatic system and it gave me a choice to keep going in Spanish. Now, I take offense to that because I'm first-generation Russian, and I think if you're gonna offer it in Spanish, you should offer it in other languages like French, German, Italian, Korean..."
I'll spare you guys the rest of the details, but I should mention that this guy's accent was nowhere near Russian and more near Redneck. I was sorely tempted to pull up Google Translate and tell him "Приветствую вас, товарищ! Ваш английский на самом деле не бывает!" ("Greetings, comrade! Your English is indeed superb!") if I could actually pronounce that. I'm not even sure that translation's grammatically correct.
I'll chop the rest of that rant out, because Fratching is rearing its head right now. Fast-forward to the actual troubleshooting roughly fifteen minutes later.
Me: "Okay, so to recap, you not only have one channel going out on one of your cable boxes, but you also wish to file a discrimination complaint against the company for catering to illegal aliens?"
Face it, there's no other way to bottom-line his list of concerns. I felt dirty just typing that last part, let alone saying it.
SC: "That's right."
Me: "Okay, and you've been rebooting that one box every time the channel goes out and it brings it back up temporarily, but goes out again?"
SC: "You got it."
Me: "But that channel itself only disappears on the one box; it comes in on the other two in the house?"
SC: "That's right. I can see it on the other two TVs, but it's an inconvenience for me to have it go out on the TV I watch the most."
Yeah, I had both of those thoughts, too. And they switched back and forth between "Why didn't you just switch the cable boxes?" and "hate that fucking word hate hate hate hate hate!"
Me: "Then all we need to do is put in a request to get that box switched out--"
SC: "You mean I gotta pay for someone to bring a box out and just hook it up?! What kind of--"
Me: "Actually, Mr. <customer>, both options are free. The first one is that we ship a new box out to you, you hook it up yourself and send the old one back in the box the new one arrives in. The other is, yes, sending a technician out to install it for you. Both options are free of charge, but while having the tech come out is faster, shipping the box to you is more convenient."
SC: "......................"
Me: "Mr. <customer>?"
SC: "............okay, I'll just have it shipped to me. How long's it gonna take?"
Me: "Just a moment. I'll get the order put in for it."
The following Monday. Expecting to be missing everything north of my tongue from the reaction, I tell him so.
SC: "Well, that's okay, then. Just as long as it gets here."
Me: "Okay. And as far as the corporate complaint goes, I can pull up the address to mail your concern to. We don't have a number to give out to our members to contact Corporate directly for safety reasons."
SC: "Oh, that's okay. I'm just glad someone there was willing to listen to me bitch."
The thought of this guy having drinking buddies scares the living Christ outta me.
At least he admitted he was a noob to Macs...
This is the one that made me want to stop at a bar on the way home and drain my checking account.
Me: "Thank you for calling <provider!> This is Zed with tech support; how may I help you today?"
SC: "Yeah, I can't get into my email. I just signed on with <provider> and I'm just getting used to using it."
Me: "Oh, okay. I can definitely help you with that. First I gotta ask you some questions about the computer you're using so I can help you a lot more effectively. What kind of computer are you using?"
SC: "It's a Macintosh. I just bought it."
Me: "Not a problem. And what browser are you using to try to get into your email?"
SC: "Safari."
Roadblock. I'm Googling the website for Safari the very microsecond I hear that.
Me: "Alright. All you have to do is type in 'www.ouremailserver.com' and log in using your <provider> user name and password.'
SC: "Where do I type that in?"
*eyetwitch* Uh...
Me: "Just type that into the address bar."
SC: "I'm typing it and nothing's happening."
Me: "Did you click on the address bar before typing it in?"
SC: "I thought I did. Was it supposed to do something?"
Me: "................................"
Mute phone, remove headset, headdesk hard enough to hear it two rows down...
Me: "Yes, sir. It'll normally highlight the address that's already in there so you can type it in and head to that page."
SC: "So I just click up there where it says 'http colon slash slash'?
Nope. You click on the magical Shut Down button. You know, the one that'll make both our problems go away.
Me: "Yep. Just click once and it'll let you type that address in."
SC: "Okay..." Short pause while he does so. "It didn't do anything after I typed it in."
Me: "Did you hit the Return key?"
SC: "..................................."
Oh, Jesus ramrod skullfuck. Really, dude?
Me: "Hit the Return key and it'll load that page."
SC: *presses Return and a miracle happens* "Okay, there it is. Now where do I go to put in my login info?"
Me: "Click on 'Log In'."
SC: "Okay." Short pause. "I tried typing my user name in and it's not showing up."
One of the team leads walks up to me at this point. I explain what's going on with a look on my face that just says "Okay, gimme booze, kill me or take over this call, I don't care." He walks off.
Me: "Did you click on the box next to 'User ID'?
SC: "............................."
Me: "Click on the box next to 'User ID', then type your user name in. Then click on the box next to 'Password' and do the same with your password."
SC: "Okay..... oh, there it is. Now how do I check my messages?"
Me: "Click on the link that says 'Check Mail'."
Repeat this until it's already half an hour after the time my shift is supposed to end. And if it's any indication, the end of the conversation:
Me: "Well, I'm glad I could help you get the basics of using your email down. Please remember that we're available 24/7 if you need further assistance. And if it makes you feel any better, I don't really have that much experience with Macs myself; I've been a Windows user for years and years."
SC: "Me too. I just bought this Mac recently so I could use your service."
Aaaaaaaaaaaand that's about the point where I thank him for calling, hang up, shut my station down, pack up, and walk out of the building like I'd just had a tombstone over my head up until that point.
And that's all for now. Time for me to go drink myself into a fuck-my-liver state.
Tryin' to tell ya now, it's SABOTAAAAAAAAAAAAGE! Dun-dun-dundundun-duuun--
No individual story here, but a collection of them, and they all go the same way: the members that call in fitting this generalization all have one thing in common: they believe that when they switched over to the ISP I work for, we pretty much fucked their systems up somehow. Just a heads-up here:
1) We're only bringing the signal into your house. By plugging our equipment into your computer, the only thing that changes is the fact that you're being connected to the rest of the world. That should be the only thing that changes, and if something else happens because of it, you might want to get your computer checked for viruses.
2) Speaking of viruses, that trojan disguised as an antivirus program? We hate that fucking bug so much. Why in the world would we put it on your computer when it prevents us from doing any-fucking-thing to troubleshoot what's keeping you offline? For that matter, why would we sabotage your computer just for the sake of having you call a service that's free?
3) Why is your kid hitting a random button or seventeen on your remote our fault? We're a cable company, not a babysitting service! If you can't learn the essential child-rearing phrase 'No, no, no, put that down, sweetie, that's not a toy,' then we can't claim any liability.
Okay, enough ranting about that. I hope I made my point.
You, uh... do realize I'm Socialist, right?
Another fun one. One of the guy's cable boxes just... kept on cutting out MSNBC at random. Now, I'm still learning about the ins-and-outs of the boxes themselves, but a single channel cutting out on one of three cable boxes in the house just means that the one needs to be switched out for a new one. We all know who the real culprit is, however...
Me: "Thank you for calling <provider!> This is Zed with tech support; how may I help you today?"
SC: "Yeah, I ain't been getting MSNBC to stay on one of my boxes for the past couple of months."
That's right, folks, he'd waited two whole months to call in about this. I'm still trying to figure out if the tinfoil hat might've been on too tight.
SC: "It didn't bother me before, but now it's starting to get annoying, because I haven't been able to see a full episode of <I forget which show it was> for that long. I just wanna know how many ultra-conservatives you have working for <provider>, because there's no way any liberals would try to censor my shows."
Me: "..."
SC: "Now, I dunno whether you're liberal or not, but trying to keep me from watching one of my shows is just un-American."
Hearing that just gave me an all-new respect for Glenn Beck. Anyone whose die-hard fans make this guy look like he got his GED is worth some degree of props...
Me: "I'm really not the type to talk about my political leanings on shift, to be honest."
SC: "And another thing--"
Wait, there was a second complaint? Oh fuck.
SC: "--I was going through your automatic system and it gave me a choice to keep going in Spanish. Now, I take offense to that because I'm first-generation Russian, and I think if you're gonna offer it in Spanish, you should offer it in other languages like French, German, Italian, Korean..."
I'll spare you guys the rest of the details, but I should mention that this guy's accent was nowhere near Russian and more near Redneck. I was sorely tempted to pull up Google Translate and tell him "Приветствую вас, товарищ! Ваш английский на самом деле не бывает!" ("Greetings, comrade! Your English is indeed superb!") if I could actually pronounce that. I'm not even sure that translation's grammatically correct.
I'll chop the rest of that rant out, because Fratching is rearing its head right now. Fast-forward to the actual troubleshooting roughly fifteen minutes later.
Me: "Okay, so to recap, you not only have one channel going out on one of your cable boxes, but you also wish to file a discrimination complaint against the company for catering to illegal aliens?"
Face it, there's no other way to bottom-line his list of concerns. I felt dirty just typing that last part, let alone saying it.
SC: "That's right."
Me: "Okay, and you've been rebooting that one box every time the channel goes out and it brings it back up temporarily, but goes out again?"
SC: "You got it."
Me: "But that channel itself only disappears on the one box; it comes in on the other two in the house?"
SC: "That's right. I can see it on the other two TVs, but it's an inconvenience for me to have it go out on the TV I watch the most."
Yeah, I had both of those thoughts, too. And they switched back and forth between "Why didn't you just switch the cable boxes?" and "hate that fucking word hate hate hate hate hate!"
Me: "Then all we need to do is put in a request to get that box switched out--"
SC: "You mean I gotta pay for someone to bring a box out and just hook it up?! What kind of--"
Me: "Actually, Mr. <customer>, both options are free. The first one is that we ship a new box out to you, you hook it up yourself and send the old one back in the box the new one arrives in. The other is, yes, sending a technician out to install it for you. Both options are free of charge, but while having the tech come out is faster, shipping the box to you is more convenient."
SC: "......................"
Me: "Mr. <customer>?"
SC: "............okay, I'll just have it shipped to me. How long's it gonna take?"
Me: "Just a moment. I'll get the order put in for it."
The following Monday. Expecting to be missing everything north of my tongue from the reaction, I tell him so.
SC: "Well, that's okay, then. Just as long as it gets here."
Me: "Okay. And as far as the corporate complaint goes, I can pull up the address to mail your concern to. We don't have a number to give out to our members to contact Corporate directly for safety reasons."
SC: "Oh, that's okay. I'm just glad someone there was willing to listen to me bitch."
The thought of this guy having drinking buddies scares the living Christ outta me.
At least he admitted he was a noob to Macs...
This is the one that made me want to stop at a bar on the way home and drain my checking account.
Me: "Thank you for calling <provider!> This is Zed with tech support; how may I help you today?"
SC: "Yeah, I can't get into my email. I just signed on with <provider> and I'm just getting used to using it."
Me: "Oh, okay. I can definitely help you with that. First I gotta ask you some questions about the computer you're using so I can help you a lot more effectively. What kind of computer are you using?"
SC: "It's a Macintosh. I just bought it."
Me: "Not a problem. And what browser are you using to try to get into your email?"
SC: "Safari."
Roadblock. I'm Googling the website for Safari the very microsecond I hear that.
Me: "Alright. All you have to do is type in 'www.ouremailserver.com' and log in using your <provider> user name and password.'
SC: "Where do I type that in?"
*eyetwitch* Uh...
Me: "Just type that into the address bar."
SC: "I'm typing it and nothing's happening."
Me: "Did you click on the address bar before typing it in?"
SC: "I thought I did. Was it supposed to do something?"
Me: "................................"
Mute phone, remove headset, headdesk hard enough to hear it two rows down...
Me: "Yes, sir. It'll normally highlight the address that's already in there so you can type it in and head to that page."
SC: "So I just click up there where it says 'http colon slash slash'?
Nope. You click on the magical Shut Down button. You know, the one that'll make both our problems go away.
Me: "Yep. Just click once and it'll let you type that address in."
SC: "Okay..." Short pause while he does so. "It didn't do anything after I typed it in."
Me: "Did you hit the Return key?"
SC: "..................................."
Oh, Jesus ramrod skullfuck. Really, dude?
Me: "Hit the Return key and it'll load that page."
SC: *presses Return and a miracle happens* "Okay, there it is. Now where do I go to put in my login info?"
Me: "Click on 'Log In'."
SC: "Okay." Short pause. "I tried typing my user name in and it's not showing up."
One of the team leads walks up to me at this point. I explain what's going on with a look on my face that just says "Okay, gimme booze, kill me or take over this call, I don't care." He walks off.
Me: "Did you click on the box next to 'User ID'?
SC: "............................."
Me: "Click on the box next to 'User ID', then type your user name in. Then click on the box next to 'Password' and do the same with your password."
SC: "Okay..... oh, there it is. Now how do I check my messages?"
Me: "Click on the link that says 'Check Mail'."
Repeat this until it's already half an hour after the time my shift is supposed to end. And if it's any indication, the end of the conversation:
Me: "Well, I'm glad I could help you get the basics of using your email down. Please remember that we're available 24/7 if you need further assistance. And if it makes you feel any better, I don't really have that much experience with Macs myself; I've been a Windows user for years and years."
SC: "Me too. I just bought this Mac recently so I could use your service."
Aaaaaaaaaaaand that's about the point where I thank him for calling, hang up, shut my station down, pack up, and walk out of the building like I'd just had a tombstone over my head up until that point.
And that's all for now. Time for me to go drink myself into a fuck-my-liver state.
). I wanted to get some experiance with it. Its been working just fine since I got it. The only issue was a power supply letting the magic pixie smoke out. Honestly, I think it suffered more from bad press than anything else.
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