To My Dearest Customers

[Tsiyeria]

There are a few things I would like to tell you. Listening? Good.

First. We are a barbecue restaurant. We specialize in it. Obviously you are in the mood for barbecue, since you came to a barbecue restaurant. We have established this. So for the love of all that is holy, please. "Gimme somma that barbecue" is NOT an acceptable or complete order!! When I ask what kind, "Inside" or "Outside" is not an acceptable answer, either.
Also, please stop staring at me in bewilderment when I explain that we barbecue FOUR different kinds of meat, and we serve each of those in two or three different ways!

Secondly. To my call-in customers. I understand that there are times when you must consult with others to make certain of their wishes. But please, please, PLEASE get the order BEFORE you call! While you hem, haw, and hedge, I have three people waiting in line in front of me, growing ever more impatient.

While we're on the subject of phone calls, let me say this as well: One phone call per order. Do not continue to harass my phone lines telling me things you "forgot".

If I ask you if you have a to-go order, please respond in a manner that resembles English. Actually, I would also accept Spanish, French, Japanese or Korean (as long as you keep it to "yes" in those last two). Grunting in my direction or just ignoring me isn't going to get you your food.

Moving on to seating issues. This is a restaurant. Not a fast food place. As such, we seat you. You do not seat you. There is a large sign indicating this. Should you ignore it, and seat yourself anyway, please do not be shocked when the waitress doesn't come see you. You see, the hostess informs the waitress of what tables she has.

If you split your check, please listen to me. I'm going to have to ask you questions. Like, what did you have?

Lastly, please pay attention to what you're ordering! Just because the waiter didn't correct you when you said you wanted the "PLATTER", and you GOT the platter, and you ATE the platter, doesn't mean you then get to PAY for the "SPECIAL"! The platter is 9.95. The special is 3.99. It comes with half the food. You got six ounces of meat? You got two sides? YOU PAY 9.95! It is not the waiter's fault that YOU didn't read the sign! And I'm NOT changing any more tickets!

[mattm04]

If you split your check, please listen to me. I'm going to have to ask you questions. Like, what did you have?

I think my brain just broke. What do they think splitting a check means?

[Tsiyeria]

You'd be surprised how many people just go "Uhhh...I had...uhhh..." Honestly, it would make GK proud.

[blas]

When I was a hostess, I HATED people who sat themselves, then always went to a dirty table (without fail, ALWAYS to a dirty table) and would give dirty looks because no one gave them menus or waited on them yet.

[Kristev]

I made that mistake once, and only once.

[MoonCat]

Geez, most places I've been...no, make that every place I've been that has someone seat you, they had huge sign right in your face that said something like, "Please wait to be seated." I mean, you would have to practically knock it over to get around it and seat yourself. Some people are just plain stupid, I guess.

[SG15Z]

Unless it's a fast food joint, I always assume the Host/Hostess is suppose to seat me unless there's a sign that says otherwise.

[thansal]

I have been to one place (a BBQ place actually) where it wasn't clear if you should seat your self, and that's b/c there were 2 entrances, and we came in the wrong one (not well labeled in our defense). So, we asked some one, and found out. Magically, everything went well (well, ok, the BBQ was actually kinda iffy for that company which made me sad).


PS:

Damn, I really want some BBQ now. Blue Smoke (NYC BBQ Place) is apparently participating in restaurant week, which has me tempted to finally hit them up (they are a TAD expensive).

[Balgram]

Shoot, now I want BBQ, too. Pity the best BBQ in town closed down a year ago. I miss those guys.

I went with my family to a place where we were supposed to wait to be seated, and my family moved in and started sitting down until I pointed to the sign and continued to wait. That's about as bad as I've ever gotten with that one.

I have been to a number of places where I wasn't clear if I was supposed to clear my own table or if it was cleared for me. There are still a few places in town where I'm not clear. I always figured that if you held your food and paid for it then sat down on your own you cleared your own meal, but that doesn't always hold true here...

/tangent

I do wish customers would make up their minds on the phone. I guess they assume there is a special person who is paid to answer the phone and they want to make sure that guy has something to do.