Oh, You Wouldn't Know Her, She's From Canada

[RootedPhoenix]

*hands GK lots of chocolate*

...chocolate makes everything better.

[C. Cecil Ivanish]

Ugh, God, they were waiting for me to come back from vacation. Just waiting. =/

I know they were.
Sorry.

Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
C: “She-ra”

Did you apologise to her on behalf of humankind?

SC: “My television machine stopped working.”

You don't UNDERSTAND! It is not your normal telly, it is a television MACHINE! The one that... you know... shows pretty images?

Me: “And your name please, ma’am?”
SC: “Sara”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “Er, wait, can I put it under Wilford Brimley?”

Makes sense. Makes PERFECT sense.
To her and to no one else.
But it does.

Me: “Good evening, <company>-“
SC: “Who is this?”
Me: “This is Gravekeeper-
SC: “And your last name? Or do you have an employee number?”

Do you have to answer to such questions?

SC: “I have a little water leak. But that’s normal in my suite because there’s 14 pipes that come through my wall.”
Just…..what….like sitting in the corner or something? ……Are you an actual tenant? Or are you squatting in the boiler room?

Boiler room, definitely.

SC: “I saw from the wrapping on the pipe there was a problem. But when the official people came, they said oh it doesn’t look like it’s gonna break.”

I really think that the tag "SC" is far from being enough for this one.
"Official" people? Like, the nice men who always try to get you to wear that nice white shirt that buttons on the back?

Me: “I’m sorry, what was your name ma’am?”
SC: “Pfft, yeah right.”
I…..sense I have made a critical misstep……I may be in danger.
Me: “Did you want to leave a name and number?”
SC: “No!”

So, pretending she had a point at all, why did she call?

SC: “I just need to know that you’re on my side.”

It rubs the lotion on its skin...

Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “YA'LL STILL ORDER STUFF DER?”
Me: “Pardon?”
SC: “Do you still order stuff der?!”
Me: “...Yes?”
SC: “Uh…can I call back later?!”

So s/he called to know if it is possible to place an order, just to widen his/her horizons and broaden his/her knowledge? Although probably the ability to walk erect would already widen and broaden them...

SC: “Listen, this is weird, ok? But some pipes are hot, some are cold, some are medium. This is a medium pipe. It’s been spraying a little bit for a long time. Then it sprayed a lot. Then I punched a hole in it to make sure I could patch it all up.”

...yes. Yes she did. She broke it to make sure it IS broken.

I really need to take a look at this new catalog that apparently went out. There must be some rather amazing garments within it with which to drape upon yourself.

No you don't. Please. You don't.

SC: “Perfect, thank you.”
Me: “You’re welcome”
SC: “……..Fuck you!! What is the point! What the fuck is the point!”

...of ordering pants? Good question, actually.

SC: “Well, um, I just wanted to see my girlfriend. This is my first time in Canada, I met my girlfriend online and I just wanted to meet her, you know? Can't they let me in for just like a little while?”

I am sure he would be welcome in a detention centre for a short time.

SC: “But I just wanted to see her for a little while, man!”
Oddly enough, immigration law doesn’t make an exception for star crossed virtual love.

GRINCHES!

annnnd rest ( lots of it. Still pretty fubar back wise. Sitting...sucks. )

Sorry to hear you are still having troubles... take care!

[energyguy]

Anybody else have the avenue Q song in their heads whilst reading about the girlfriend in Canada?

[Can I Help Your A$$?]

Oh you don't even know. My husband made the mistake of telling border patrol he was meeting his online girlfriend (me) in the states, and they sent him packing. For good, it seemed.

So, I went there.

And we got married.

It's been 7 wonderful years.

PS: to the border patrol agent who told my husband he was only going to the States to "steal jobs:" Yes, he "stole a job." With a forklift. Because out thar in them hill o'darkest Montreal, we don't got ourselves no good jobs. We's all po' an' destitute. We's yearnin' fer them good jobs out thar in US land whar ever'body, even po' folks liken us in Montreal, poor humble Montreal, can one day hope to be dishwashers one fine day and have a fine job.

Thanks for getting me out of Federal Jury duty, so I didn't have to send another poor sod packing away from his family. All I had to do was to say I had a bad experience with your ass, and they sent me home.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Poor, poor GK.

I think you're destined to be a magnet for the weird, man. You just can't take a week off for this kind of thing. I mean, look what happened when you did!

There was an earthquake near Vancouver!

Imagine what would happen if you were to take two weeks off. The entire northwestern part of North America might break off and float out to sea!

...wait, would that include Nunavut? (checks) No. Dammit.

[Andara Bledin]

I know, even my home chair isn't working anymore. I need to get a lumbar cushion for work, or a back brace with one built in. I don't think I can keep going like this, I'm honestly a complete physical wreck right now. I try not to whine about it, but its even getting to my usual indomitable self.

Well, for work, they have to give you a chair that won't damage you.

I don't know what chairs my work picked up, but they got a ton of these nice black chairs that have about 5 different ways they can be adjusted. They're awesome, and I even got one that the arms had been damaged (one was actually missing when I asked to take it - I had the other one removed, 'cause I didn't want arms at all) at home, now.

Anyway, as I said, it's your workplace's responsibility to have facilities that won't cause you harm, and the chair is one of those things.

^-.-^

[Syriilord]

They don't use fire, the ones I've heard of use hydrogen peroxide.

Hey, chemical burns are still technically burns.

[dalesys]

Imagine what would happen if you were to take two weeks off. The entire northwestern part of North America might break off and float out to sea!

I dismember a story where the Big One finally hit California... They got an East Coast.

[fireheart]

Anybody else have the avenue Q song in their heads whilst reading about the girlfriend in Canada?

*points to my post*

Ohhhhhhhhh....Iiiii.....wish you could meet my girlfriend,
My girlfriend who lives in Canada,
She couldn't be sweeter,
I wish you could meet her,
My girlfriend who lives in Canada........

[Moirae]

The funny thing is, my husband used to tell people that when we were dating. And it was true lol. They thought he was lying for the longest time. I'm from Canada. He's from the US. We've been happily married for 5 years.

[Jester]

Ugh, God, they were waiting for me to come back from vacation. Just waiting.

As were we all, my friend. As were we all.

SC: “Er, wait, can I put it under Wilford Brimley?”

…Wilford….Brimley? Like….diabetes Wilford Brimley? Quaker Oats Wilford Brimley? That Wilford Brimley? Looks like your grandpa? Has a moustache like a walrus? I must say that is the most bizarrely random utterance I think anyone has ever made to me on this line.

At my bank, I have two accounts. My regular checking, which is simply called regular checking, and a second account. When I opened it, they asked me what I wanted to call it. Since it is an account for me to save money for the eventual move back to Phoenix, I called it Moving.

But perhaps I shall change its name to Wilford Brimley now. Or maybe Roy Scheider. Or perhaps, in honor of the movie "Moving," Richard Pryor. Of course, that last one might result in the Feds investigating me to see if I am trafficking in cocaine.

Or lighters.

Have you ever been talking to someone that seemed normal at first but over the next few minutes you slowly start coming to the alarming realization that they’re probably kind of insane? But now you can’t find any polite excuse to get out of the conversation? Because you’re afraid if they realize that you realize they’re crazy it’ll make them panic and jump straight to the part where they try and stuff you in the trunk of their car?

….Or perhaps drag you off into the boiler room.

Talked to them? Hell, I'm both a bartender and a barfly. Of course I've talked to them.

The scary thing is, I DATED one of them for several months. [shudder]

Aw man, I’m so going to end up hogtied to a boiler in the basement of some random apartment building now.

It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

Are the pipes still screaming, Clarice?

I find it both amusing and disturbing that we seem to watch the same movies.

I think you have issues that can likely only be fully addressed with medication.

I think you are severely underestimating the power of duct tape, ball gags, and random beatings.

They don't use fire, the ones I've heard of use hydrogen peroxide.

So instead of burning your legs off, they simply dye your leg hairs blonde.

Gravedigger, you are such a good storyteller lol.

I hate to be the one to break this to you, but his name is Gravekeeper. Just saying.

Faster than anything Steve McQueen owns?

"Like Steeeeeeeve.....McQueeen, all I need's a fast machine, and I'm gonna make it all right. Like Steeeeeeeve.....McQueeeen, underneath your radar screen. You'll never catch me tonight...."

Sorry. Got Sheryl Crow stuck in my head again. Where were we?

I'm worried this has gone to far, and instead of waiting to enjoy these stories every Monday we should start a collection and ransom him out of there.

Hell NO! So many people rely on his Monday posts to get through their own hellish weeks. Yes, that means GK has to suffer. But you must look at big picture: the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Sorry, GK. It's just the way things have to be.

I fully expect there to be a client note on the account when I return to work stating to not take any further messages from her.

And you didn't put that note on her account yourself....why?

I think you secretly enjoy this stuff, and find it entertaining. Otherwise, you would take stronger measures to rid yourself of these particular people.

Well, for work, they have to give you a chair that won't damage you.

Sometimes equipment really is out to get you.

At the recent Battle of the Bars, our canopy tent attacked our team leader as the team was breaking it down. No, seriously. Ignoring the fact that every single member had had at least twelve beers and eight shots, it was clear that the canopy had it out for our fearless leader, as it somehow swung one of its metal parts down and sliced his neck open.

Yes, seriously.

Luckily, it missed any major blood vessels, and while he was a bloody mess, and did eventually get some stitches, he's fine, with just a much-smaller-than-expected scar, which is really barely noticeable. Scars, by the way, are tattoos with better stories. (Saw that on a t-shirt recently, and it's so true!)

I know what you're thinking. That this was one random incident.

Well, consider this: the very next time we broke out the canopy, for this weekend's Football Season Opener tailgate party, it did something when I was lifting it that made my back go all wonky, and now I am having trouble laying in any way comfortably for the last two nights.

The one good thing is that the canopy was so broken from its two attacks on our staff that it is not in the trash heap. Where it will probably attack an innocent garbageman.

[Becks]

I am having trouble laying in any way comfortably for the last two nights.

Need a nurse?

[Jester]

Need a nurse?

Absolutely! How soon can you be here?

Or will you just meet me in Phoenix on Friday?

And do your nursing duties include sponge baths?

[Mikkel]

So instead of burning your legs off, they simply dye your leg hairs blonde.

The Wikipedia article talk about superheated steam, so instead of your legs being burned to a crisp, they will be boiled to noodles. Blonde noodles, too.

[Victoria J]

Hell NO! So many people rely on his Monday posts to get through their own hellish weeks. Yes, that means GK has to suffer. But you must look at big picture: the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Sorry, GK. It's just the way things have to be.

You make a good argument, with a solid basis in Utilitarianism.

I will try and stop feeling guilty.

It still seems somewhat unfair that Gravekeeper gets ALL the suffering though. If it's karma, he must have been King Herod in a former life, otherwise I just don't see how anyone can possibly reasonably be expected to experience this on a weekly basis. If it is karma I hope the use of humour to turn his suffering into happiness for others counts for something, a kind of karmic time off for good behaviour.

Victoria J