Tales of Satellite Stupidity

[Redbeard]

It happened sort of like that, but that's the general gist.
I was working for the company in Utah when that happened. there were immediate memos sent to everyone on the call floor to NEVER joke about there being cameras in the recievers.

A Cautionary Tale
During my initial training, we were told a certain story to hinder any thoughts of joking around with the customer in any way that can be....misconstrued.
The story goes something like:
A customer calls in,complaining about the little "eye" on the front of the received. (the box that decodes the satellite signal, and feeds it to the tv), citing fear that it was held a camera of some kind within it. The CSR says, jokingly, "I assure you maam, none of our receivers have any sort of cameras installed within them. By the way, thats a lovely purple blouse your wearing. "
Customer is, indeed, wearing a purpose blouse.
Customer freaks out, hangs up, calls back in with hysterics.
CSR is sacked.
Training class cracks up.

[Duelist925]

I had that satellite service for a while. That button is huge.

^-.-^

It is, indeed, huge.

And bright frickin orange.

So. Many. People. Cant. Find. It.



I remember one call I spent, about halfway through I started whacking myself in the forehead with a book I had for my break. Because the woman was taking several minutes at a time to find buttons. *dies* Including the number buttons. She hunted for 5 minutes to find the number 9. I swear to god/eris/raptor jesus, 5 minutes to find the number 9 on a remote control.

A little part of me died inside that day.

Even as a more "seasoned" CSR, I still get that sinking feeling sometimes when I realize that what the customer is trying to say is much different than what I thought they were getting at, and it's not really a place I wanted to go... Not fun!

I grew to dread that feeling. I remember, during the bad times, getting it once a day at best. Which brings me to my next topic boys and girls!

*dramatic scene change*

Wherein Perverts Perv
Now, my friends, my professional phone voice is somewhat androgynous. I have been mistaken for a woman on the phone often. It stopped bothering me after awhil, and even became amusing at times, when I would correct them and they'd get all apologetic. It was interesting at times, since it proves they dont listen to the intro spiel. (Wherein I give my name, which Ive never seen a woman with)

Now, one night (I worked a shift ending at 2:30 am at the time) I was taking calls like a good CSR, and we'd just hit the major PPV rush for the night. SO\omewhat in queue, not majorly, but everyone was ordering ppv, and most of that was porn. Eh, big whoop, I dont care what people watch. Of course, I took a few calls that night that would have scarred a lesser mind! (Or one less jaded to perversion than I was at the time. >.>)

Call A:
PC(Pervy Customer):Hey yall, I wanna watch Big Ass Sluts 9
Me: *eyerolle* Of course, may I know what channel thats on? Im afraid I cant order specific programs, I can only order blocks on a particular channel.
PC: What? I gotta buy a whole three hours? cmon honey, you sound kinda sexy.....cant you hook me up?
Me:.....O.o.....*oook then. That was new* Im afraid not sir, I can only order the blocks.
PC: Aww, fine. *gives channel, time*
Me: *orders* Alright, thats done, anything else I can do for you sir?
PC: *ignores, sounds of standard porno moans in the background*
Me:.....Sir? Is there anything else I can do for you?*ignores porno noises*
PC:...Heh...can yeh here that honey?
Me: *eyeroll again, tries deepening voice* Yes sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?
PC:...Uh....No thanks goodnight*CLICK*
Me:*Snrk....dumbass*

Call 2:
A rather drunken woman calls in. I know this call is going to be fun right off the bat.
DC:Haaaaai. Ah.....um.
Me: *there is a pause. I wait with baited breath. *
DC: Ah wanna see "Big Black Cocks!" And dont gimme none of that...nng....extra fee shite.
Me: (to explain: There is a 5 dollar fee when a CSR orders ppv for a customer. Its to get them to use our online svc, or the automated system,instead of clogging up tech support. it....didnt work, at least not while I was there. Just pissed people off. However, I waive it for her this once, because...she was Reaaallly drunk. Long story short,I explain I can order a channel for a set block of time, she gives me the channel, etc)
DC: So I gots Big Black Cocks?
Me.....*Oh god, dont say it* Yes maam it should be turning on soon. Anything else for you tonight?
*Click*



Wherein Teenagers...Something
Ahh teenagers. I was one not too long ago.....so I can say what annoying gits they are. -_-

Call Q: *Cast: Angry Father*
Me: *opening spiel*
AF: I just got my bill, and Im disputing these charges! I never ordered any adult programming!
Me:*thinking, oh yay, another scammer* I do apologize, lets see whats going on. *I check notes and ordering times*
ME: It looks like these were ordered on *date* *date* *date* *date* and *Date*
AF: Ah, those cant be mine. My wife and I were out of town that week, only our son was home to watch the house.
ME:.....*Aha.....* Sir, may I ask how old your son is?
AF: Huh? He's fourteen, why?"
Me:....
Af:....
Me:....
Af:....That little shit. Ill be right back, I have to go kill my son.
Me: Good luck with that sir.


Call 8675309again, androgynous voice)
Wannabe Stud:Hey yo, my tvs fucked up.
Me: What seems to be the problem?
WS:Its all fuzzy an shit. Hey, you sound cute. You single?
Me: I dont discuss such things on the clock sir. *trying to make my voice more masculine....to no avail. *
WS: Cmon honey, you live in my area? I can show you a good time.
Me: *sighs* Sir, I do not discuss such things while on the phone. Besides, if you must know, I don't swing your way.
WS: What, you gay honey?
Me: No sir. Straight. My name is (name) and Im male.
Ws....your fuckin....no your...it....*click*


Call Zeta
Customer calls in on an account with a password.
Me: Thank you blah blah blah monkeys opening spiel type thing
DT:So uh, can I like order one of those movies?
Me: We do offer ppv svcs. (briefly explain)
DT: So uh....like a porno?
Me: *Oh yay, some dumbass saw there was porn on the cable, and thinks he can get it without gettin a whoopin. * Yes sir, we offer adult programming.however, to order any ppv, you will need to supply the password.
DT: Uh...cant yall just order it for me?
Me: No sir, thats what the password is for.
Dt:Uh....Janet?
Me: No sir.
DT: 1985?
Me: No sir.
DT: Damn um.....Fluffles?
Me: No sir.
*7 more tries.....and I get tired of it.*
Me: Sir, since you dont know the password, Im afraid I cannot order any ppv for you. Is there anything else I can do for you?
DT: You fucking suck!
Me: Im sorry, thats not the password either sir.
*CLICK*

[EricKei]

That button is huge.

Is is a red, CANDY-like button? One that, perhaps, may erase history if pressed?

[Kaibutsu]

Af:....That little shit. Ill be right back, I have to go kill my son.
Me: Good luck with that sir.

First off, I must say your Kirby Jerusalem icon is freaking awesome.

Secondly, I applaud that father for not trying to blame YOU for his child's... liberties with his movie selections. There need to be more like him.

[2gigch1]

With regards to the first gentleman who was very angry yet wished not to unload on you, I must admit I have made the same type of call (not same circumstances). There are days when you are beyond angry, but the only thing holding me back is: a) the person I am calling is no doubt not personally responsible; b) there is a slight chance I might be wrong and c) if I expect help I am allowed to be angry but actually taking it out on people is usually counterproductive.

I am all about results. I have had great success keeping calm while explaining my (well earned) rage. I admire the strength of the first caller.

[Andara Bledin]

DT: You fucking suck!
Me: Im sorry, thats not the password either sir.
*CLICK*

*giggle*

Nice.

^-.-^

[ShadowBall]

Wow, the nutty religious lady could achieve dual intarwebs fame - she could, as you said, put her pissing video on Redtube and she can film her alleged beheading and put it on The YNC (if you've never been there, don't go if you're offended easily, are faint of heart, or are at work). Definitely would not be their first nor last decapitation video.

But wowwwwww, never do I read more special stories than those from call center, customer service hotline and tech support reps. I never got such amusing or uncomfortable calls at my old phone job - everybody else always got the fun calls...like the new girl who got to hear, "Jim can't come to the phone because he's busy fucking someone up the ass right now" on her second day.

@ EricKei, he will never know because he had to guard it and not touch it (and also could not resist it).

[noone]

Background: For just shy of two years, I worked for a satellite television company that was, shall we say, rather Direct. I was tech support, working the evening shift with a crew of rather amusing coworkers, taking calls from, for the most part, less than intelligent people, sc's, eb's, and pervs.

These are their stories.

Names have been changed to protect my faulty memory.

__________________________________________________ ______


Trial By Fire


When I was but a hapless noob to the game, just having gotten out of OJT, I took a very special call. A man calls in, and immediately requests a supe. Policy at the time was: This happens, find out the issue, deescalate if possible. If not, get a supe. Oh...oh how naive I was. Though, admittedly, he was far calmer than the situation may have warranted. He shall be known as Angry Husband.

Me: Thank you for calling Such and Such, how are you today?
AH: *In the kind of tone that says, "There is a raging demon of anger churning within me, but I do not wish to visit the Balrog of Hatred upon you, hapless tech support boy, and therefore will restrain myself* I need to speak to a manager. Higher there. Now. Please.
Me: *Blithely oblivious to looming danger....at first* I can certainly get you to a manager if necessary sir. May I ask what the issue is? Perhaps I can fix it for you? *in my happy happy I have a fun new job voice*
AH:*Seemingly mildly....amused, in a dark way*.....Sure. Why not. I have a complaint to make against one of your techs. Incidentally, he left his tools here when he....left....but thats not the complaint. The complaint is, he saw fit to use my bed whilst on the clock.
Me:*Sensing danger....our intrepid Tech Boy grows wary*....Ah, I do apologize. That was quite unprofessional...I dont kn--
AH: He was not napping.
Me:*happy voice wilts as a picture begins to form within my mind. Oh my. *
AH: He was in bed. With my wife. I trust I need not go into further detail?
Me:*happy voice all but destroyed.....shocked tone, as our hero attempts to thwart the demons rage*....Let me get a manager for you sir.
Ah: I thought you'd say that.

My roommate thought I was crazy until I sent her the link. I nearly fell off my chair

On a side note, your sig is awesome.