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Wherein We Sing A Little Song
Really rough week at work this week, so the pickings are somewhat slim. Also, fark Daylight Savings on a side note. Making my shift 10 hours long with no breaks. -.-
I Wonder
SC: “Yesh, ca I get a cab?”
Me: “You have the wrong number, sorry.”
SC: “I’m on Jarvis st”
Me: “You’ve dialed the wrong number.”
SC: “How did I dial the wrong number?!”
If I had to wager a guess? I'd say Vodka.
You Never Do, Really
Me: “And the area code please, ma’am?
SC: “Um, I don’t know what that is.”
Yes, not many of you do lately it seems. It may be time to come to terms with this problem of yours and take some tentative first steps towards correcting it. Nothing drastic mind you. I’m not demanding you suffer the horror of learning three numbers right away. Baby steps, baby steps. Perhaps you could form some sort of support group with a 3 step program that slowly moves you through stages of recovery. Each one based around one number of your area code. So Step 1 would be focused on overcoming your difficulty with the number 8. Then from there, you could move on to 6 and 7.
Send Help
Me: “Are you calling from BC?”
SC: “I hope so.”
You hope so? Are you not sure? …..Are you being held captive somewhere? Do you need help? This may not be dialing the correct number given your current situation. I am only capable of sending lottery tickets, not a SWAT team. I can offer only a chance at a fantastical cash prize, not a chance at freedom.
Me: “Are you 19 or older?”
SC: “I hope so.”
My God, man! What have they done to you? Do you remember your name or where you’re from? I would dearly like to provide you with some sort of rescue, but I fear all I have to offer is a chance at a fabulous new car.
A Perilous Voyage
Allow me to introduce you to the McNabs: Francis, Jack, Star and Azure. I know all of their names, because each one was shouted in turn at least once over the course of the calls. Yes, calls. I spent a grand total of over 25 minutes in their delightful company and they in turn spent a grand total of just over $800. Apparently by following a strategy of not knowing anything they wanted and then calling back to place a new order for each family member in turn ranked according to age.
As I had an extensive amount of time with which to research these specimens in their natural habitat. Enough so that I was able to ascertain the exact roles assigned to each member of the troupe during this remarkable performance:
Francis was the ring leader, everything revolved around her. She was the spokesperson. The one in charge of getting the crowd hyped up for the show. As the negotiator, she was in charge of relaying the demands of the group and issuing orders. Jack was the chief operator. His job was to attempt to operate the computer from which the entire tribe was attempting to order by hollering item numbers and descriptions at Francis. He was not particularly adept at this job. Star’s job was to stand between Francis and Jack and make enough noise to prevent any communication between the two. Finally, Azure’s only job, as the junior member, was to stand directly next to her mother, Francis, and scream directly into the receiver for the entire duration of every call. Azure did the best job of them all admittedly.
Together, they had but one goal:
SC: “I’m trying to reach $500.”
That was all they had to go on. $500 and absolutely no plan except bring up the website and start looking for stuff they might want to cure their nudity with. Something they felt the need to do while they called instead of before. Thus they set forth on this magical journey, with Francis at the helm barking orders to the rest of the crew:
“Jack! How do we get to men’s pants?!”
“Go to pants, Jack!"
"PAAAAAANTS!"
"I AM HONEY, I AM!!"
This perilous voyage swerved dangerously from pants to shirts to pants with a final loop back around to pants. Then, just as I thought they were content having discovered the New World of pants, they called back again to try and fund a new voyage. This time to the mystical far east of coats. An amazing voyage which allowed them to resounding break their original goal of $500.
$800 in cloths for a whole family may not sound like a difficult number to reach, but they insisted on only purchasing things from clearence. So they clawed their way to $800. $5-12 at a time. For almost half an hour.
You know, people are always surpised when I tell them I don't drink. Me too.
I Will Remedy That Immediately
SC: “All the information you have for me is correct. The only thing that isn’t correct is you never send me a winning ticket.”
Egads! This is truly a miscarriage of justice! I will endeavour to correct this grievous error to the best of my ability. Never fear, good lady! I, Detective NeverWins McWrongsyTicket, will labour to solve this mystery using the full extent of the skills that gave me my namesake. Trust that your ticket and eventual prize winnings are in good hands.
They're Scary, Really
As I was coming to the top of the escalator at Skytrain this evening, I felt a tug on my shoe and realised my shoe lace was caught in the escalator. What followed was a frantic, Hollywood style action scene with me attempting to free myself as mortal danger loomed ever closer.
I am not ashamed to admit my life flashed before my eyes.
Emo
Me: “And which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “VISA, not that it matters. I won’t win anyway.”
This strikes me as a poor outlook to have when entering a game of chance. Especially one that’s about to cost you a couple hundred dollars. I mean, you don’t have to believe in Lady Luck or anything, but just to be on the safe side you might want to wipe your shoes on the mat before you walk into her living room. She just had the carpets shampooed you know.
Though I’m curious as to how you’re this fatalistic about it yet still perfectly willing to handle over a large sum of money. As if your opinion on the success or failure of a given endeavour does not actually affect your decision part with your funds. In which case, it suddenly occurs to me that I have a bridge which has recently become available for sale.
Never Heard That One Before
SC: “Make sure you send me the winning ones! Ha ha ha ha!”
You know, it’s not the constant bad jokes that bother me, or the fact that every joke made on this line is basically the same. It’s that someone was sitting at home before they called and actually had the thought “Ha ha! I bet they’ve never heard this one before!” and prepared the joke in advance. Totally convinced of its hilarity.
I shouldn’t poke fun, I’m sorry. I’m being mean aren’t I? You probably worked very hard at this. For all I know, this could be your life’s work. You could have a dream that your striving for and I’m just being a big jerk sitting over here criticizing your efforts. A goal you’ve worked your entire life for and on that glorious day when you finally get the job as a writer for America’s Funniest Home Videos, I’ll be the first to congratulate you.
This Is A Tough Question
Me: “Are you 19 or older?”
SC: “I think so.”
I’m not entirely sure I can help you here, as age verification is not my realm of expertise. If you like, I could wait for a few minutes until they finish the carbon dating? Or perhaps you could just use your finger to smudge the dirt off your arm and count the rings.
How Do I Answer That?
SC: “Why do I have to pay $140 for xxxx?”
B…because that’s…what it costs? I’m not sure how to answer that question, to be honest. While we here at <client> do offer a variety of wonderous goods with which to cover your clammy, naked self, we do not actually provide comprehensive courses on economic principles such as Supply & Demand. If you desire such knowledge, you will have to seek it of your own accord. Perhaps take a correspondence course or do some research online? There are many avenues of learning that you clearly have yet to explore.
Speaking Of Vodka
You know, there are many legitimate reasons for being locked out: You forgot your keys, your purse was stolen, your friend in your room isn’t answering, the buzzer doesn’t work, you name it. There are quite a few valid scenarios whereby you may end up being denied access to the interior of your abode. All of which I would perfectly understand as hey, these things happen.
That said, I’ve never, ever had someone tell me they’re locked out because they don’t know how to use their key. I must admit that one’s new. I also must admit I’m not entirely sure how to explain something that should be quite readily obvious in its operation. If you’re unable to deduce this by yourself, I fear any explanation I provide may simply be too complex for you to follow.
I suggest you try to keep warm and wait for daylight.
Easy There
Me: “Are you 19 or older?”
SC: “Well, for sure. It’s funny, a lot of people think I’m 17 or 18, but actually I’m 35. Just this month, you know. They think I’m 16 or 17, but I’m actually 35 so.”
Me: “Alright, do you have an account number?"
SC: “Oooh, a account number, geez. Geez. I’m not sure what it is, I’m not sure, I don’t have a, I don’t have an account number. I don’t know what it is. I don’t have one, I haven’t received any mails I don’t have one. It’s weird, eh?”
Hmmm, I think we need to add another question to the call script. Perhaps: “Are you currently painting in a poorly ventilated room?”
Say It With A Song
There’s something….bad....in the employee fridge….how do I explain? Hmm. Perhaps a song. A-hem, maestro, if you would:
If you go into the fridge today,
There’s no telling what you’ll find.
If you go into the fridge today.
There’s a smell like a yak’s behind.
For every smell there ever was,
Has lingered in there forever because
Today’s the day somebody’s lunch expiiiiiired.
<cough>
annnnnd rest. -.-
I Wonder
SC: “Yesh, ca I get a cab?”
Me: “You have the wrong number, sorry.”
SC: “I’m on Jarvis st”
Me: “You’ve dialed the wrong number.”
SC: “How did I dial the wrong number?!”
If I had to wager a guess? I'd say Vodka.
You Never Do, Really
Me: “And the area code please, ma’am?
SC: “Um, I don’t know what that is.”
Yes, not many of you do lately it seems. It may be time to come to terms with this problem of yours and take some tentative first steps towards correcting it. Nothing drastic mind you. I’m not demanding you suffer the horror of learning three numbers right away. Baby steps, baby steps. Perhaps you could form some sort of support group with a 3 step program that slowly moves you through stages of recovery. Each one based around one number of your area code. So Step 1 would be focused on overcoming your difficulty with the number 8. Then from there, you could move on to 6 and 7.
Send Help
Me: “Are you calling from BC?”
SC: “I hope so.”
You hope so? Are you not sure? …..Are you being held captive somewhere? Do you need help? This may not be dialing the correct number given your current situation. I am only capable of sending lottery tickets, not a SWAT team. I can offer only a chance at a fantastical cash prize, not a chance at freedom.
Me: “Are you 19 or older?”
SC: “I hope so.”
My God, man! What have they done to you? Do you remember your name or where you’re from? I would dearly like to provide you with some sort of rescue, but I fear all I have to offer is a chance at a fabulous new car.
A Perilous Voyage
Allow me to introduce you to the McNabs: Francis, Jack, Star and Azure. I know all of their names, because each one was shouted in turn at least once over the course of the calls. Yes, calls. I spent a grand total of over 25 minutes in their delightful company and they in turn spent a grand total of just over $800. Apparently by following a strategy of not knowing anything they wanted and then calling back to place a new order for each family member in turn ranked according to age.
As I had an extensive amount of time with which to research these specimens in their natural habitat. Enough so that I was able to ascertain the exact roles assigned to each member of the troupe during this remarkable performance:
Francis was the ring leader, everything revolved around her. She was the spokesperson. The one in charge of getting the crowd hyped up for the show. As the negotiator, she was in charge of relaying the demands of the group and issuing orders. Jack was the chief operator. His job was to attempt to operate the computer from which the entire tribe was attempting to order by hollering item numbers and descriptions at Francis. He was not particularly adept at this job. Star’s job was to stand between Francis and Jack and make enough noise to prevent any communication between the two. Finally, Azure’s only job, as the junior member, was to stand directly next to her mother, Francis, and scream directly into the receiver for the entire duration of every call. Azure did the best job of them all admittedly.
Together, they had but one goal:
SC: “I’m trying to reach $500.”
That was all they had to go on. $500 and absolutely no plan except bring up the website and start looking for stuff they might want to cure their nudity with. Something they felt the need to do while they called instead of before. Thus they set forth on this magical journey, with Francis at the helm barking orders to the rest of the crew:
“Jack! How do we get to men’s pants?!”
“Go to pants, Jack!"
"PAAAAAANTS!"
"I AM HONEY, I AM!!"
This perilous voyage swerved dangerously from pants to shirts to pants with a final loop back around to pants. Then, just as I thought they were content having discovered the New World of pants, they called back again to try and fund a new voyage. This time to the mystical far east of coats. An amazing voyage which allowed them to resounding break their original goal of $500.
$800 in cloths for a whole family may not sound like a difficult number to reach, but they insisted on only purchasing things from clearence. So they clawed their way to $800. $5-12 at a time. For almost half an hour.
You know, people are always surpised when I tell them I don't drink. Me too.
I Will Remedy That Immediately
SC: “All the information you have for me is correct. The only thing that isn’t correct is you never send me a winning ticket.”
Egads! This is truly a miscarriage of justice! I will endeavour to correct this grievous error to the best of my ability. Never fear, good lady! I, Detective NeverWins McWrongsyTicket, will labour to solve this mystery using the full extent of the skills that gave me my namesake. Trust that your ticket and eventual prize winnings are in good hands.
They're Scary, Really
As I was coming to the top of the escalator at Skytrain this evening, I felt a tug on my shoe and realised my shoe lace was caught in the escalator. What followed was a frantic, Hollywood style action scene with me attempting to free myself as mortal danger loomed ever closer.
I am not ashamed to admit my life flashed before my eyes.
Emo
Me: “And which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “VISA, not that it matters. I won’t win anyway.”
This strikes me as a poor outlook to have when entering a game of chance. Especially one that’s about to cost you a couple hundred dollars. I mean, you don’t have to believe in Lady Luck or anything, but just to be on the safe side you might want to wipe your shoes on the mat before you walk into her living room. She just had the carpets shampooed you know.
Though I’m curious as to how you’re this fatalistic about it yet still perfectly willing to handle over a large sum of money. As if your opinion on the success or failure of a given endeavour does not actually affect your decision part with your funds. In which case, it suddenly occurs to me that I have a bridge which has recently become available for sale.
Never Heard That One Before
SC: “Make sure you send me the winning ones! Ha ha ha ha!”
You know, it’s not the constant bad jokes that bother me, or the fact that every joke made on this line is basically the same. It’s that someone was sitting at home before they called and actually had the thought “Ha ha! I bet they’ve never heard this one before!” and prepared the joke in advance. Totally convinced of its hilarity.
I shouldn’t poke fun, I’m sorry. I’m being mean aren’t I? You probably worked very hard at this. For all I know, this could be your life’s work. You could have a dream that your striving for and I’m just being a big jerk sitting over here criticizing your efforts. A goal you’ve worked your entire life for and on that glorious day when you finally get the job as a writer for America’s Funniest Home Videos, I’ll be the first to congratulate you.
This Is A Tough Question
Me: “Are you 19 or older?”
SC: “I think so.”
I’m not entirely sure I can help you here, as age verification is not my realm of expertise. If you like, I could wait for a few minutes until they finish the carbon dating? Or perhaps you could just use your finger to smudge the dirt off your arm and count the rings.
How Do I Answer That?
SC: “Why do I have to pay $140 for xxxx?”
B…because that’s…what it costs? I’m not sure how to answer that question, to be honest. While we here at <client> do offer a variety of wonderous goods with which to cover your clammy, naked self, we do not actually provide comprehensive courses on economic principles such as Supply & Demand. If you desire such knowledge, you will have to seek it of your own accord. Perhaps take a correspondence course or do some research online? There are many avenues of learning that you clearly have yet to explore.
Speaking Of Vodka
You know, there are many legitimate reasons for being locked out: You forgot your keys, your purse was stolen, your friend in your room isn’t answering, the buzzer doesn’t work, you name it. There are quite a few valid scenarios whereby you may end up being denied access to the interior of your abode. All of which I would perfectly understand as hey, these things happen.
That said, I’ve never, ever had someone tell me they’re locked out because they don’t know how to use their key. I must admit that one’s new. I also must admit I’m not entirely sure how to explain something that should be quite readily obvious in its operation. If you’re unable to deduce this by yourself, I fear any explanation I provide may simply be too complex for you to follow.
I suggest you try to keep warm and wait for daylight.
Easy There
Me: “Are you 19 or older?”
SC: “Well, for sure. It’s funny, a lot of people think I’m 17 or 18, but actually I’m 35. Just this month, you know. They think I’m 16 or 17, but I’m actually 35 so.”
Me: “Alright, do you have an account number?"
SC: “Oooh, a account number, geez. Geez. I’m not sure what it is, I’m not sure, I don’t have a, I don’t have an account number. I don’t know what it is. I don’t have one, I haven’t received any mails I don’t have one. It’s weird, eh?”
Hmmm, I think we need to add another question to the call script. Perhaps: “Are you currently painting in a poorly ventilated room?”
Say It With A Song
There’s something….bad....in the employee fridge….how do I explain? Hmm. Perhaps a song. A-hem, maestro, if you would:
If you go into the fridge today,
There’s no telling what you’ll find.
If you go into the fridge today.
There’s a smell like a yak’s behind.
For every smell there ever was,
Has lingered in there forever because
Today’s the day somebody’s lunch expiiiiiired.
<cough>
annnnnd rest. -.-
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