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Wherein We Find Many Questions, But Few Answers
Ah yes....the Chronicles. >.>
Priorities
Me: “And your phone number please, ma’am?”
SC: “Oh, I’m not comfortable with giving that out.”
You just finished giving me your credit card number. I think you have your priorities in the wrong order here. While it is true it can be annoying to receive a random phone call during dinner, I imagine its quite a bit more annoying to pay for rampant credit card fraud. But, hey, that’s just me. We all have our pet peeves I guess.
Wizardry
Me: “And your postal code please ma’am?”
SC: “What’s a postal code?”
This….is not a question I should have to answer on any line where you are calling to request something be mailed to you. It’s kind of a given that in order to do this, your address will be required so that we know where to send your bushel of hats. Without this information, Canada Post won’t know exactly what part of which barren northern community to shove your parcel out of the back of a plane over. Then you’ll never have something to stretch over your skull against the elements.
Me: “It’s part of your address, ma’am”
SC: “Uh…..um……………I don’t know what is it. Um………………….um…..what’s an address?”
…….You require a level of assistance I am both unable and unqualified to provide. How did you even manage to dial? Or did you just waddle over to a neighbors’ house and bang your face against their door then gesture wildly at the catalog until they reluctantly agreed to dial for you? Much like you, I am desperately trying to understand the current scenario we find ourselves in. You obviously dialed, and are aware that you want to order something. But it would appear that you consider everything that happens after that point to be magic and believe yourself unworthy to learn the forbidden secrets of the postal sorcerers.
We'll Get There
Me: “Alright, do you have a previous account number?”
SC: “I have a VISA number.”
Helpful yes, but not actually applicable to this question. Still, I appreciate you being proactive.
Me: “And your phone number please, ma’am?”
SC: “My VISA?”
….No, I don’t need your VISA number at this point in time. It’s alright. Relax. Everything is fine. Take a deep breath. Grab a Coke. The time will come.
“Me: Alright, and your email address please, ma’am?”
SC: “VISA?”
No…….not your VISA. Which, at this point, I am highly doubtful would even work. Seeing as your default solution for every problem is to offer your credit card number. VISA probably cancelled your card months ago after trying to figure out how you managed to be in Tahiti and Nigeria at the same time.
Confidence
Me: “Alright, is your address still the same?”
SC: “Yep! At least until I win that is.”
Yeaaaaaaah, about that. I wouldn’t be asking for your damage deposit back just yet.
Me: “Alright, so xxx-xxx-xxxx?”
SC: “Yep, that’s where you can contact me when I win.”
Your confidence is admirable, but tragically misplaced. I don’t think you have a particularly strong grasp of probability here. Just try and hold off on making any long term plans at least till after the contest ends, alright? Trust me on this one.
Me: “And how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “Just 1, it only takes 1 to win!”
Seriously, look. Don't take this the wrong way, but you might be overestimating just how moist you make Lady Luck.
Identity Crisis
SC: “Who am I speaking with?”
Me: “This is Gravekeeper.”
SC: “Who am I speaking too?”
Me: “Gravekeeper.”
SC: “What is your name?!”
Me: “Gravekeeper.”
Apparently my first name is "Sorry, I Wasn't Listening."
Whew
SC: “That’s S as in Sam, 4 as in 4."
Thank goodness you cleared that up! Whew. Let me catch my breath. I had started to panic there as I just couldn’t think of what 4 could possibly be like. But it turns out, it’s just like itself! Truly, this is a surprisingly early Christmas miracle. You’ve just penciled yourself onto Santa’s Nice List, my friend.
Just Answer The Question
Me: “Are you 19 or older?”
SC: “…Hah….haha….hahahah….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!”
A simple “Yes” would suffice, sir.
Keep It To Yourself
C: “My goodness! You’re so efficient!”
I assure you that it is ruthless efficiency and in no way because I am trying to provide pleasant customer service to our clients. On the surface, I am polite and helpful, but underneath lays a dark, sinister villain with his fingers on a spider web of nefarious plots slowly working towards the ultimate goal of total world domination. I am the Lex Luther of the customer service industry. No, really. Honest.
<sigh> Fine, I was just trying to be helpful. But don’t go spreading it around. I have a reputation to maintain.
A Small Request
Not to be a bother, but if I may make a suggestion? Perhaps you should let the person who can actually read hold the phone and the catalog. Instead of having the Literacy Fairy hovering over your shoulder there, telling you what to say next so that you might parrot her like an imbecile.
Gasp!
Me: “And your phone number please, ma’am?”
SC: “Um, zero.”
Just……zero? Wait, so you’re the Operator? Oh my god, I am like, totally your biggest fan. You’re like, the original operator that the rest of us are all trying to be like. This is totally an honour, can I like, get an autograph?
This Sounds Perfectly Legit
Me: “And by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Credit card.”
Me: “Alright, is your name on the card?”
SC: “Uh, no, it’s my…...uh.......cousin’s.”
Me: “Alright, is she there? May I speak with her?”
SC: “Um….no, she’s, er, not here.”
Oh, well then. No problem! This sounds completely legitimate and in no way raises any sort of red flags. Feel free to just use anyone’s credit card you feel like without any sort of permission or identification. I’m sure your local law enforcement would be totally okay with this.
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: “Hm, alright, I only have that in stock in black, is that alright?”
SC: “Oh, do you have it in stock in blue?”
Help me understand something here: Every single last time I have ever, ever used the word “only” in reference to what I do and do not have in stock, the response is always to immediately ask me if I have something I just informed you I do not have. Why is that? What is the thought process ( or lack thereof ) behind that? I am truly struggling to understand here. As this seems to be a universal phenomenal to everyone north of Hudson’s bay. Is there something in the water up there? Are you taught in school to never believe a thing anyone tells you if they use the word “only”?
Am I committing some sort of cultural faux pas every time I use the word? Because really, the only ( there I go again ) logical explanation at this point is that somehow everyone that far north is really kind of a dimwit. Which would seem statistically impossible, despite the amount of evidence I have gathered over the years. So it must be some sort of conscious effort.
I hope? I mean, you can’t all be halfwits…….right?
Such Language
C: “Sorry, just having trouble with my computer……come on you Fred!”
Whoa, easy there! Watch your language, mister. I’ll not have that kind of talk around here.
I Wonder, Sometimes
You do realize that many ISPs actually allow you to have more than one email address with your Internet service, correct? You don’t actually have to live with just “KittySpank2”. You could expand your horizons and have a separate email address for when you want to do things such as open an service account over the phone without making the operator start thinking about why you have a selected a particular email address to represent yourself.
Unless I have this all wrong and you do indeed have multiple email addresses. Specifically KittySpank1 through to 5, and KittySpank2 is for business and shopping purposes. Whilst KittySpank1 is for personal affairs. I assume KittySpank3 through to 5 are for family, work and your investment broker respectively.
Abject Failure
I really must hand it to you, aside from your name, you did not manage to answer a single question correctly on the first try. Not a one. You even managed to answer some questions incorrectly several times. Truly, you have a gift. In fact, let us bask in some of your more glorious moments:
Me: “And your phone number please, sir?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx”
Me: “Alright, and the area code for it please?”
SC: “Area code?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “<half of his postal code>….”
Me: “No, the area code, please?”
SC: “<town>?”
Me: “No, the area code please, sir.”
SC: “What’s that mean?”
Me: “The area code for your phone number.”
SC: “Uh….<town>.”
Me: “I need the area code for your phone number please, sir.”
SC: “Wait……..<I can hear him ask someone in the background>……catalog?”
Me: “No, area code.”
SC: “Wait wait, hold on……<asks someone in the background again>…………..<postal code>?”
Me: “No, that’s the postal code, I need the area code please.”
SC: “Address?”
Me: “No, it’s part of your phone number, sir.”
SC: “<area code>?”
Well, stick a marshmallow in my ass crack and point me towards the camp fire. We may get through this yet.
Me: “And the postal code again please sir?”
SC: “1G0 P10 1G0 1H0 1L0 1P0.”
Me: ".....Pardon?"
SC: “1L0….”
Me: “It should start with a letter, sir.”
SC: “K1O?”
Come on lad, you actually got this right the first time when I didn’t ask you for it. That was only 20 seconds ago. You can’t possible have lost it already. I know you know it on some primitive, possibly intoxicated level. The knowledge is in there, however elusive it may seem. Focus, Skippy, Focus.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “Page 3.”
Swing and a miss.
Me: “Alright, what size?”
SC: “Size X………S……size S.”
Me: “Small?”
SC: “Medium.”
That….wasn’t even in the ballpark.
Me: “Alright, will this be by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Huh?”
Right, you know what? I give up. Just go ahead and take first base. Try not to get lost on the way.
annnnnd rest.
Priorities
Me: “And your phone number please, ma’am?”
SC: “Oh, I’m not comfortable with giving that out.”
You just finished giving me your credit card number. I think you have your priorities in the wrong order here. While it is true it can be annoying to receive a random phone call during dinner, I imagine its quite a bit more annoying to pay for rampant credit card fraud. But, hey, that’s just me. We all have our pet peeves I guess.
Wizardry
Me: “And your postal code please ma’am?”
SC: “What’s a postal code?”
This….is not a question I should have to answer on any line where you are calling to request something be mailed to you. It’s kind of a given that in order to do this, your address will be required so that we know where to send your bushel of hats. Without this information, Canada Post won’t know exactly what part of which barren northern community to shove your parcel out of the back of a plane over. Then you’ll never have something to stretch over your skull against the elements.
Me: “It’s part of your address, ma’am”
SC: “Uh…..um……………I don’t know what is it. Um………………….um…..what’s an address?”
…….You require a level of assistance I am both unable and unqualified to provide. How did you even manage to dial? Or did you just waddle over to a neighbors’ house and bang your face against their door then gesture wildly at the catalog until they reluctantly agreed to dial for you? Much like you, I am desperately trying to understand the current scenario we find ourselves in. You obviously dialed, and are aware that you want to order something. But it would appear that you consider everything that happens after that point to be magic and believe yourself unworthy to learn the forbidden secrets of the postal sorcerers.
We'll Get There
Me: “Alright, do you have a previous account number?”
SC: “I have a VISA number.”
Helpful yes, but not actually applicable to this question. Still, I appreciate you being proactive.
Me: “And your phone number please, ma’am?”
SC: “My VISA?”
….No, I don’t need your VISA number at this point in time. It’s alright. Relax. Everything is fine. Take a deep breath. Grab a Coke. The time will come.
“Me: Alright, and your email address please, ma’am?”
SC: “VISA?”
No…….not your VISA. Which, at this point, I am highly doubtful would even work. Seeing as your default solution for every problem is to offer your credit card number. VISA probably cancelled your card months ago after trying to figure out how you managed to be in Tahiti and Nigeria at the same time.
Confidence
Me: “Alright, is your address still the same?”
SC: “Yep! At least until I win that is.”
Yeaaaaaaah, about that. I wouldn’t be asking for your damage deposit back just yet.
Me: “Alright, so xxx-xxx-xxxx?”
SC: “Yep, that’s where you can contact me when I win.”
Your confidence is admirable, but tragically misplaced. I don’t think you have a particularly strong grasp of probability here. Just try and hold off on making any long term plans at least till after the contest ends, alright? Trust me on this one.
Me: “And how many tickets would you like?”
SC: “Just 1, it only takes 1 to win!”
Seriously, look. Don't take this the wrong way, but you might be overestimating just how moist you make Lady Luck.
Identity Crisis
SC: “Who am I speaking with?”
Me: “This is Gravekeeper.”
SC: “Who am I speaking too?”
Me: “Gravekeeper.”
SC: “What is your name?!”
Me: “Gravekeeper.”
Apparently my first name is "Sorry, I Wasn't Listening."
Whew
SC: “That’s S as in Sam, 4 as in 4."
Thank goodness you cleared that up! Whew. Let me catch my breath. I had started to panic there as I just couldn’t think of what 4 could possibly be like. But it turns out, it’s just like itself! Truly, this is a surprisingly early Christmas miracle. You’ve just penciled yourself onto Santa’s Nice List, my friend.
Just Answer The Question
Me: “Are you 19 or older?”
SC: “…Hah….haha….hahahah….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!”
A simple “Yes” would suffice, sir.
Keep It To Yourself
C: “My goodness! You’re so efficient!”
I assure you that it is ruthless efficiency and in no way because I am trying to provide pleasant customer service to our clients. On the surface, I am polite and helpful, but underneath lays a dark, sinister villain with his fingers on a spider web of nefarious plots slowly working towards the ultimate goal of total world domination. I am the Lex Luther of the customer service industry. No, really. Honest.
<sigh> Fine, I was just trying to be helpful. But don’t go spreading it around. I have a reputation to maintain.
A Small Request
Not to be a bother, but if I may make a suggestion? Perhaps you should let the person who can actually read hold the phone and the catalog. Instead of having the Literacy Fairy hovering over your shoulder there, telling you what to say next so that you might parrot her like an imbecile.
Gasp!
Me: “And your phone number please, ma’am?”
SC: “Um, zero.”
Just……zero? Wait, so you’re the Operator? Oh my god, I am like, totally your biggest fan. You’re like, the original operator that the rest of us are all trying to be like. This is totally an honour, can I like, get an autograph?
This Sounds Perfectly Legit
Me: “And by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Credit card.”
Me: “Alright, is your name on the card?”
SC: “Uh, no, it’s my…...uh.......cousin’s.”
Me: “Alright, is she there? May I speak with her?”
SC: “Um….no, she’s, er, not here.”
Oh, well then. No problem! This sounds completely legitimate and in no way raises any sort of red flags. Feel free to just use anyone’s credit card you feel like without any sort of permission or identification. I’m sure your local law enforcement would be totally okay with this.
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: “Hm, alright, I only have that in stock in black, is that alright?”
SC: “Oh, do you have it in stock in blue?”
Help me understand something here: Every single last time I have ever, ever used the word “only” in reference to what I do and do not have in stock, the response is always to immediately ask me if I have something I just informed you I do not have. Why is that? What is the thought process ( or lack thereof ) behind that? I am truly struggling to understand here. As this seems to be a universal phenomenal to everyone north of Hudson’s bay. Is there something in the water up there? Are you taught in school to never believe a thing anyone tells you if they use the word “only”?
Am I committing some sort of cultural faux pas every time I use the word? Because really, the only ( there I go again ) logical explanation at this point is that somehow everyone that far north is really kind of a dimwit. Which would seem statistically impossible, despite the amount of evidence I have gathered over the years. So it must be some sort of conscious effort.
I hope? I mean, you can’t all be halfwits…….right?
Such Language
C: “Sorry, just having trouble with my computer……come on you Fred!”
Whoa, easy there! Watch your language, mister. I’ll not have that kind of talk around here.
I Wonder, Sometimes
You do realize that many ISPs actually allow you to have more than one email address with your Internet service, correct? You don’t actually have to live with just “KittySpank2”. You could expand your horizons and have a separate email address for when you want to do things such as open an service account over the phone without making the operator start thinking about why you have a selected a particular email address to represent yourself.
Unless I have this all wrong and you do indeed have multiple email addresses. Specifically KittySpank1 through to 5, and KittySpank2 is for business and shopping purposes. Whilst KittySpank1 is for personal affairs. I assume KittySpank3 through to 5 are for family, work and your investment broker respectively.
Abject Failure
I really must hand it to you, aside from your name, you did not manage to answer a single question correctly on the first try. Not a one. You even managed to answer some questions incorrectly several times. Truly, you have a gift. In fact, let us bask in some of your more glorious moments:
Me: “And your phone number please, sir?”
SC: “xxx-xxxx”
Me: “Alright, and the area code for it please?”
SC: “Area code?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “<half of his postal code>….”
Me: “No, the area code, please?”
SC: “<town>?”
Me: “No, the area code please, sir.”
SC: “What’s that mean?”
Me: “The area code for your phone number.”
SC: “Uh….<town>.”
Me: “I need the area code for your phone number please, sir.”
SC: “Wait……..<I can hear him ask someone in the background>……catalog?”
Me: “No, area code.”
SC: “Wait wait, hold on……<asks someone in the background again>…………..<postal code>?”
Me: “No, that’s the postal code, I need the area code please.”
SC: “Address?”
Me: “No, it’s part of your phone number, sir.”
SC: “<area code>?”
Well, stick a marshmallow in my ass crack and point me towards the camp fire. We may get through this yet.
Me: “And the postal code again please sir?”
SC: “1G0 P10 1G0 1H0 1L0 1P0.”
Me: ".....Pardon?"
SC: “1L0….”
Me: “It should start with a letter, sir.”
SC: “K1O?”
Come on lad, you actually got this right the first time when I didn’t ask you for it. That was only 20 seconds ago. You can’t possible have lost it already. I know you know it on some primitive, possibly intoxicated level. The knowledge is in there, however elusive it may seem. Focus, Skippy, Focus.
Me: “And the item number please?”
SC: “Page 3.”
Swing and a miss.
Me: “Alright, what size?”
SC: “Size X………S……size S.”
Me: “Small?”
SC: “Medium.”
That….wasn’t even in the ballpark.
Me: “Alright, will this be by credit card or COD?”
SC: “Huh?”
Right, you know what? I give up. Just go ahead and take first base. Try not to get lost on the way.
annnnnd rest.
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