A canonical list of SCs

[Yarnil]

I believe I didnt see this one:


The "I allready done that"

I do telephonic support on money counting machines. I try to troubleshoot the problems with the xustomer so the machine is operational again asap.

A lot of customers interrupt my attempt of getting the machine back online with the phrase: "I allready done/tried that, send an engineer out" When the engineer gets there, they almost every time prove that the customer didnt do squat. The machine might be offline for 6-8 hours for a 2 second swap of a coinrail.

[Slynka]

The YouCanReadMyMindRight? Customer
*Answers phone and give opening shpeal*
SC: Hi....
Rep: Hi.... Can I help you?
SC: I have a question..........
Rep: (after about 5 seconds) ...Ok? What's your question?
SC: Umm.... *Proceeds to ask silly question that they could have answered themselves if they would read for 2 seconds)

[tropicsgoddess]

The "I didn't read the bold print, got screwed and I'm so pissed I'll call my lawyer!!!11!! SC" : Didn't read the requirements that are boldly on the product and/or website prompts and pop ups because they were too lazy and stupid and want to pull the irate and gonna call a lawyer card for "false advertising".

My way or the highway SC: Wants the works but expects and demands to buy and/or pay rock bottom unrealistic prices and won't buy a thing unless they get their way.

The You're Not Answering My Question!!!11!! SC: This SC keeps on shouting that you're not answering their questions right despite the fact that you are .Those types of SCs say that because they're just plain dumb, being a jerk or all of the above.

[Digitalpotato]

They'd have vacated way before they even show up.

[Kristev]

Can you call the police?

[Mondestrucken]

Nobody Else has Caught/Stopped Me

You point out to the customer that you cannot do or give them what they want: No driver license renewal because they are in this country illegally, or no plate renewal because they are under registration denial.

They are here illegally, and therefore do not qualify for a license? Well, they let me off the plane! If I am here illegally, why hasn't someone arrested me?

If my plates have been cancelled and I am not allowed to renew them, then why didn't the police officer arrest me last week when he ran the plates?

If my license has been suspended, then why didn't you people send me a letter? You can't suspend me without a letter, can you?

To all and sundry like questions, my answer is simple: I don't know, and quite frankly, I don't care. Bottom line: you get nothing from me. And no, it is not my responsibility to prove to you that I am right. I say your license is suspended for an unpaid ticket, I do not call that city to double check. It is your record, you call them to clear your record.

[Gamegirl]

The Big Spender: Comes into the store the very second we open and wants to buy a $4 item with a hundred dollar bill. We only get around $50 in our tills to start with. Said customer always acts like it is a huge burden to give us a smaller bill or wait for the manager to make change for them. How much money do they think we start out with in the mornings?
Hold My Hand:Acts as if they have never set foot in a store before. They want you to take them to every department and read to them what it says on every box or bag, because they either can't read or they are just too lazy to look at. I think they're just lazy. I had woman do this to me last week. Pissed me right off.

[jerseyguy]

In 30+ years of playing D&D, I have never exposed my players to such eeeeeeevillll... Maybe I should. "You are standing in the market square at the height of the morning rush, just trying to spend your hard-won gold on a couple of melons. The customer in front of you wants to pay with exact change and is scrounging around inside a portable hole the size of the Grand Canyon looking for that last copper piece. What do you do?"

Lawful Good paladin: "I toss the merchant a silver piece and tell him to keep the change."
Good ranger: "Give the customer a copper of my own and so move the line along."
Unaligned wizard: "I charm the merchant with a wave of my hand into thinking he's been paid in full. And who carries copper pieces?"
Evil rogue: "I use my blackjack on the customer, appropriate his [I]portable hole[I], and cut in front of the rest of you in line."
Chaotic evil barbarian(Covered in blood and standing over what was once the sucky customer, the shopkeeper, three innocent bystanders, and one of your own horses): "What?"

[jerseyguy]

Met these last night...

The Broken Window Shopper: Often traveling in packs, the Broken Window Shopper buys nothing but handles everything. They often arrive late at night well after basic store straightening has been finished and proceed to destroy two hours' hard work in exchange for no benefit to the store whatsoever. A pack-traveling subspecies is The Giggly Shopper, who make loud and crude jokes about every item they see regardless of propriety or common sense, and leave the store without making a purchase after insulting everyone and everything they see.

Field Identification: Broken Window Shoppers will refuse help and move very slowly through the store, bashing into displays with their overlarge bags, picking up random items and placing those items on shelves far away from home locations. They will only rarely take a basket or cart. Giggly Shoppers are easy to identify from their faux-outrage and shock at apparently never having seen a feminine hygiene product before ("Ohmigod! Look at these! Tee-hee-hee!") and are more likely to take a shopping cart so their friends can ride in it.

If Contact Is Unavoidable: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to murder either subspecies with your bare hands. You might get in trouble. If you can spare the help, have an associate follow The Broken Window Shopper to repair the damage as it happens. As for the Gigglies, stern looks and a repeated "Can I help you find anything?" in a threatening voice have been shown to shut 'em up and move 'em along in fully 67% of cases.

Good luck. You have been warned...

[Kitten in the box]

Lazy Louts: Customers come in in groups of 3 or more and get about $200-$400 worth of groceries and then say they need help out to their car. When you get out there there are normally 2 more people waiting in the car. Have a tendicy to wait until you are on your last bag to be put in when they decide to ask if you need help.

No want: Customers that tend to get way over $500 worth of groceries and then decide they only want $10 of it thus leaving you with tons of crap to put back. Likes to hold up line when deciding and will turn nasty if called on it.

I forgot wallet: They get tons of groceries only to forget their wallet. They say not to put it back and will be back in 10 min top to get items. They never show up and if you call them they will scream into the phone on a 'how dare the fuck do you call me and ask me if I am going to come back for my groceries' rant. (happened to my friend once when the customer left his phone number on a piece of paper coz he didn't want to punch it on the key pad we have.

[Kristev]

We should start a D&D game where the object to go hunt and destroy all these SC's, and save "Retailland." Lol.

[Kitten in the box]

Stinky: The customer that comes in smelling like month old crap and INSISTS on getting close to talk to you blissfully unaware of his/her horrendus odor.

Shrieker: Normally a child but can be an adult that gives off a loud banshee wail that destroys your soul as well as your hearing.

Illiterate one: customer that comes in that cannot and will not read the sale signs instead grabs item off shelf asking if it is the one on sale. also known for getting entire WIC orders WRONG ( they have been to classes and for those who don't know english they even have pictures so you know what you are supposed to get) they still manage to get it WRONG and turn into Shriekers if you call them on it repeaditly.

Denture Breath: With breath so foul that it burns your nose hairs off they insist on getting up close and personal with you when speaking. When you back up a bit they either A) get closer or B) take offence and demand to speak to your manager

[lordmidnight]

Great List!

I actually read the whole thing--all 43 pages! Great stuff. I would like to add one:

The Incorrect Prioritizer: This is someone who has nothing but righteous indignation for me because she couldn't pay her bill on time. She calls in, and we agree to extend her due date. She misses this, too, because she was out of the country, on a cruise ship. Wish I could afford to put off my bills to take a cruise.

[Gateau]

since i work in a college town c-store 3rd shift i get a some related archetypes i thought id contribute:

Super Frat Boy Bros: Calls you "bro" or "dude" and wears his hat crooked and collar popped. travels in groups and the most common word you hear from them is "fag." always buys multiple blunts/cigs for their buddies. usually drunk. usually under 21.

Homey the Clown: practically drags his pants behind him they are so low, giant clashing sneakers and odd jewelry. hobbles over to the counter reciting hip hop lyrics or their phone is blasting it in glorious monaureal. usually black (but not always) doesn't buy much and pays in change....

Prank Stealer: they steal signage from the store because it "would look so great in their dorm room." we've lost lot of life-sized athlete coke signage to these guys. sometimes they will steal other things like a bunch of lighters right in front of you for the lulz

Dude Watch This: they will do something really stupid like smash a store window with a headbutt (actually happened at my store) because "it seemed like a good idea at the time." usually drunk. usually ends up in emergency room...

Snob Townies: some older guys from town who are connected to the university in some way. talks/sneers down his nose at you. thinks he is saving the world by driving his Prius to work. always buys NY Times and has a coffee refill mug covered with obama '08 stickers.

Out of Townies/Scum Bags: attracted to the college area to sell drugs, crash parties, have sex w/ drunk girls ect. these guys are real bad news. they solicit drug sales while standing in line and hit on anything with tits. about 95% of the shoplifting is done by these guys, too. unfortunately they are mostly black and confrontations with them usually result in being called a racist. (never take up their offer to "fight them outside", away from cameras!!)
not to be confused with homey the clowns, which are mostly harmless

The Ditched Kid : someone from another school who came to party with their friends here. got ditched and became lost for one reason or another and found their way to my store. since their cell phone is dead they want to use my phone to tearfully ask mom+dad for a ride home. hangs around for about 30min-1hour waiting for a ride and crying.

[Antrogod80]

The Nasty Meat People- I've seen a lot of these where I work they get a really nasty meat that is leaking blood and just throw it on your counter making it look like a murder scene. They don't even attempt to tell you that their meat is leaking like a sliced artery.