What you say; what they hear

[Shironu-Akaineko]

Me: Would you like to join our FREE club card?
Them: How much does it cost?

Oooh, I got that one for the cookie club card a couple of years ago. Not only that, after me saying to was free, she went "I don't come to the store often enough to make it worthwhile."

cookie club entitled you to a free cookie per visit. I bet her 5 years old son was thrilled to hear her say no.

[myswtghst]

I say: Thank you for calling <my company>, this is MySwtGhst, how can I help you?

They hear: You were right to ignore the phone tree that thanked you for calling <my company>This is whoever you think you called, please abuse me before you find out if I'm the right person to talk to.

We've been getting calls for some university lately. They start yelling before I get the chance to explain that I have nothing to do with said university, and that <my company> can't do anything to help them.

[Luna]

I forgot one!

Luna: would you like our FREE club card?
Them: *hears..Would you like to sign up for a credit card with an annual fee of $300 and an interest rate of 45%?*
says - No and I don't want one!
Luna: *scans purchases - finishes sale, says thanks, begins to walk away*
Them: So what does this thing do for me? *holds up one of our free club cards*
Luna: Arggghhh

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Sez IPF: "I'm on break right now, but I will find somebody to help you."
Customer hears: "Piss off and die, you mongoloid." (I got a couple of morons who complained about me because I told them I was on break when they asked me a question, but I found somebody else to help them. So now I'm a good doobie and I help the customer if they ask me a question. But only one. Anybody else asks me and I find somebody else).

Sez IPF: "You will probably need a truck to bring home that 32-inch TV
Customer hears: "Of course I will be happy to spend the next hour playing Tetris and moving your groceries and other crap around, and taking everything out of the box so the TV can fit into your Geo Metro. Of course I will be happy to come home with you and hook everything up and program your remote for you."

Sez IPF: "Excuse me" (when trying to bring up a carryout for a customer)
Customer hears: ..................
Sez IPF: "Excuse me!" (a little louder)
Customer hears: ...................
Sez IPF under his breath: "Oh screw this! I'll just go around!"
Customer hears:......"screw" OH NOES HE SAID A NAUGHTY WORD I'M GOING TO SPEAK TO HIS MANAGER!

Sez IPF: "I'm sorry, the urinals are backing up again. Please use the stalls"
Customer hears: "Please use the urinals"

Sez IPF: "I'm sorry, we are sold out of this item. We have no more in the back. You can get a raincheck at the service desk."
Customer hears: "We practice bait and switch. Now that you're here, can I interest you in this item which is much more expensive?"

[Discourtesy Clerk]

I say: "I'm sorry, this is not my department..."
They hear: "I can help you, but I won't because I'm lazy and don't like you."

I say: "Let me call someone over, it'll be a minute..."
They hear: "Please continue to sigh loudly and tap your feet, it'll get the checker over here much faster."

I say: "If it's not on the shelf, we're out. We should have more tomorrow."
They hear: "There won't be another shipment in two weeks, and I've got the last one in my locker."

I say: "Would you like help out with that?"
They hear: "Please let me be your personal slave," or alternatively, "I am offering assistance solely to insult your manhood and you should call me names."

I say: "Hi, how are you?"
They hear: "Now is your opportunity to bark orders at me."

I say: "Yes, that item is ringing up at the correct price, the item next to it was the one on sale."
They hear: "I enjoy proving you wrong, sucker."

[powerboy]

I say: I am sorry, but we do not product in
They Hear: We have it on the truck coming 300 miles away, just let me hit a few buttons, and make the truck be here in about 5 seconds.

I say: Hello, thank you for calling company name, this is powerboy
They Hear: Name of a company different company

[BusyBee]

Our store changed rental prices a lot last year, mainly raising prices - all on direct orders from Head Office. So, every time they raised it, for the next 2 weeks or so all us counter-slaves would get this one.

We say: That'll be $xx.xx [1-2 dollars dearer than old price]
They say: What?! That's ridiculous! Why is it higher than it was last time I was here?
We say: I'm sorry, we just get our orders from Head Office, we don't get any say in how our stock is priced.
They hear: The new girl is a math whiz, she figured out that if we nick 1-2 dollars from every customer, we can all afford to go on holiday to Hawaii by the end of the year! Isn't that so cool??

[Antisocial_Worker]

I say: "Okay, your upstairs room number is 232. These stairs here in the lobby are the quickest way to get upstairs to your upstairs room. If you'd like, you can use the staircase at the other end of the building, but this staircase is much closer. If you need help taking your things up the stairs I can carry them upstairs for you, right up this staircase right here. Just let me know if you want help getting your things up the stairs."

They hear: "The elevator is at the end of the hall. It's a nice one. Everyone uses it. The stairs are just for decoration. Nobody's ever even set foot on them, not once. We just keep them varnished to keep up appearances, and in fact we'd prefer you not scuff them up with your filthy guest feet. Use the elevator if you have even a shred of human decency about you.

---

I say: "I need you to sign the line, and then up above, I need the state, make and color of your car."

They hear: "I have a terrible fetish for license plate numbers. I want you to write down the state, make, and license plate number of your car. As soon as you're gone, and assuming the phone can go more than a nanosecond without another customer calling the pimp/coke dealer in Rm 208, I'm giong to take your license plate number into the back room and spend some... 'alone time' with it. Write it right here! Now! I can't wait any longer for that young, hot, scantily-clad license plate number!"

---

I say: "I'm very sorry about whatever it is that the housekeeper, whose IQ decreases by a point every time she takes a breath, either forgot to clean or left behind in the room, including, but not limited to the panties in the bed, milk that expired during the Nixon administration in the microfridge, and the dead hooker in the bathtub."

They hear: "It's my fault. I did it. Please yell at me, because deep down I want to be yelled at. It helps me to relive the abusive childhood I always wanted but never had."

[BookstoreEscapee]

I say: "Yes, that item is ringing up at the correct price, the item next to it was the one on sale."
They hear: "I enjoy proving you wrong, sucker."

But... don't we enjoy that?

*ducks*

[Shironu-Akaineko]

But... don't we enjoy that?

*ducks*

I admit I take a sick pleasure in being polite to a fault and all smiles when customers scream at me for that "But it's on sale" "No it's not".

The look on their face when they say they're gonna talk to Michel and I reply with "It'll be my pleasure to escort you to his office!"

---

I said: "10 ¢ off each pre-ordered bread? We never did that!"
He heard: "I've been hired yesterday, so if you scream loud enough, you'll intimidate me into participating in your scam."

You say: "The doorbell is right here, ring it and a butcher will be right out."
They hear: "Lemme ring on that for you. Oh, they never hear the bell, I'll go inside and pull a butcher out just for you."

You say :"How many?"
They hear: "What kind?"

You say: "What kind?"
They hear: "We only carry one brand of bread. Answer 'White'. If that fails, answer 'sliced'. If I'm too dumb to mindread what you want, say 'to make sandwiches with'. Since I'm a retard, please feel free to get mad at me for not going Houndini on your ass and magically produce that bread you bought 'LAST WEEK'."

You say: "THIS is the bread you're talking about."
They hear: "It's the same color bag, but disregard that the bread inside is the one you described with sunflower seeds and insist it's the sesame seed bread, the bag is also yellow, so what's the difference between sesame and sunflower?"

[Arcade Man D]

AMD Says: "I'm sorry, that machine is currently out of order."
They Hear: "Go ahead and punch your tokens through the tape. That game really does work, I'm only pulling your chain."

The Sign Says: "Tokens have no cash value. No cash refunds."
They Read: "Go ahead and stick a twenty in that machine. The attendant will be more than happy and break policy to give you 15 dollars back for the extra 60 tokens you got."

The stickers read: "Tokens Only"
They Read: "Go ahead and try to use pennies. Or dimes, nickels, or quarters. Or, even better, use a different company's tokens. Because, you know all arcades are the same company, despite the mascot here being a yellow circle rather than a creepy mouse."

AMD Says: "I'll be with you in a minute, as I'm currently occupied fixing this machine."
They Hear: "Go ahead and shout at me while I'm working near the base of the CRT for this big honking machine. I really don't mind electrocution, because you are the almighty customer, and my only need is to serve your every whim."

[Bonnie Bitch]

I say: Hello, thank you for calling company name, this is powerboy
They Hear: Name of a company different company

I hate that, I hate that, I hate that!!!!!

Friday evening, I had about a dozen or so people call in to FU-Telephone (where I now work, since being moved out of the XYZTV department at my call center) and, well, the worst of it went something like this:

ME: the faaaabulous and always helpful Bonnie Bitch
SC: caller on five kinds of crack

ME: Thank you for calling FU-Telephone repair, this is Bonnie, how can I help you tonight?
SC: I hate you people. Your service sucks. I can't get any of my channels.
ME: I'm sorry to hear about that, and I will do everything I can to assist you.....
SC: I don't give a <censored>. Your best ain't good enough. I want my channels back.
ME <knowing that FU-Telephone does offer bundled service with XYZTV> And how long have you had XYZTV?
SC: What the censored are you talking about? My channels are out. <censored> fix them, you <censored> <bleep>.
ME: Who provides your TV service?
SC: You oughtta know, 'cause it's you-uns <I kid you not!>
ME: Ma'am, this is FU-Telephone. We provide telephone service. We have nothing to do with your television.
SC: What?
ME: <repeats above>
SC: Oh, god! Did I call the wrong number?

<voice over: Ok, so you called in, heard the IVR say "this is FU-Telephone" no less than 6 times and more if you were on hold for more than 10 minutes, I gave you the FU-Telephone standards greeting, and you **have to ask** whether you called the wrong number???????>

ME: Yup, looks like. You have a great night, and thank you for calling FU-Telephone <click>

I ****HATE**** that!!!!!!!
Rent a clue, people!
You've been told multiple times the name of the company! Why are you calling the phone company if your TV is out?

Although.......

I suppose it's not as bad as calling the phone company to report that your home is on fire at the moment <true story>

[BookstoreEscapee]

I suppose it's not as bad as calling the phone company to report that your home is on fire at the moment <true story>

Well, you have to tell it, now! You can't just leave us hanging!

[Bonnie Bitch]

Well, you have to tell it, now! You can't just leave us hanging!

http://www.customerssuck.com/board/s...548#post102548

I started a new thread, just for this, which I was going to do on Monday after I learned how it all turned out.
Enjoy!

[Dave1982]

What Dave1982 said: We dont' have any more of these headphones from the ad, and none of the area stores have them either. We ran out the other day and havent' gotten more in yet.

SC hears: We never had them. We never got them in. We just put this in the ad to get your ass in here to sell you a more expensive pair. It's false advertising and we're damn proud of it.

Frickin' stupid woman went and read my manager the riot act over that one, who then got mad at me for not being clear enough to the customer.