Inventory Tracking = I'm the Devil?

[Balgram]

I can't decide if this should be in Sucky Customer or not. It happened a month ago, and it was both e-mail and phone.

Background

I work for an online company. We sell shopping cart software.

My job is pretty standard secretarial/customer support. We don't technically offer customer service for free, but as a "pretty smart operator" I try to answer any calls that come our way. Generally customers should be contacting their hosting provider, so I'm not supposed to spend too much time on calls.


Begin Story


I get a ton of e-mail asking about the shopping cart features. I like answering e-mails and helping nice people. Sometimes people are rude, and I think this is one of my favorite.

This is not the entire e-mail conversation.


Dear Balm:
Youlearn in kindegarden or at least I did that you can not fit a square peg in a round hole.
The custom web site is only a template & the person who continues to destroy my business with your product will be help accountable as will you!
I never purchased your product but you are destroying me a person whom you know nothing about, how can you sleep at night?
how can you even digest food?
I could never be so evil,
I would not be able to sleep,
My food wouldn't digest,
I just simply can not fantom why?
Can you explain this to me so I can understand why [software company] is destroying my business with the assistance of [random name I've never heard of]?
Sincerely,
Sucky Customer





This reply came from a feature response. The question? Inventory Tracking.

"Our software can do inventory tracking, here's how it works."

That was the e-mail that sparked this sucky customer.


How on earth was I supposed to reply to this?

Foolishly, I gave her a call instead of replying by e-mail.

Holy. Crap. Deaf in one ear at the end of that one. If anyone is interested I'll post the transcript as I remember, but "Deaf in one ear" is a pretty good description.

Also, she really did spell my name badly. It was weird, since my name isn't that hard, she's only ever seen it written down, and she didn't come CLOSE. Also, I never went to kindergarten. I could already READ and WRITE, and I was a social beast, so I guess I never did learn that square pegs don't fit in round holes from the holy grail that is kindergarten.

I wonder when she'll graduate to first grade?

[Ironclad Alibi]

Holy. Crap. Deaf in one ear at the end of that one. If anyone is interested I'll post the transcript as I remember, but "Deaf in one ear" is a pretty good description.

Welcome to the forum.

Her email didn't make any sense at all. Perhaps it did to you since you know what she was responding too.

As for the transcript, of course we're interested. Start typing.

[technical.angel]

Did you ever figure out why your software was trying to destroy her as a person and her business?

This reminds me of a spam email message.

[Samaliel]

Doesn't make any sense to me either (and I'm not quite sure it did make sense to the OP). I'd really like to see the mail that triggered this most interesting reply.

I'm really looking froward to read the transcript of the phone call, too. Sounds like fun (even though, obviously, it wasn't much fun to you at the time).

[Balgram]

The prequel and sequel

No, this one took me by surprise. It was after about 6 phone calls that are shockingly like the one below that we figured out she thought we were a computer hacking business. In fact, in other phone conversations she indicated, "All computer programmers are hackers," and "people work on the Internet because they know the digital black market."

But first, here is the e-mail that sparked the reply above. She asked me to explain the "Inventory Tracking" feature:


>SC,
>
>[Software] has a feature called Inventory Tracking that will keep track of
>the inventory on hand, and can contact you when inventory is running low, as
>well as when you are out of products. You can specify when you are running
>low, as well as whether or not to be contacted when this number is reached.
>This feature will also prevent customers from purchasing items that are out
>of stock.
>
>For more information regarding [software] features, see here:
>
>-FAQ Link
>-Info Link
>-Feature List Link
>
>Please let me know if you have any further questions.
>
>Regards,
>
>Balgram


Cue the e-mail above. Here's the first phone call I made after that e-mail, best I can remember.

Me: Yo.
SC: Accusitory Witch.
<Thoughts, etc.>

Me: Hi, this is Balgram with [company], I understand you have some concerns?
SCGrainy, smoker's voice) Yeah, I have a question about stock.
Me: Okay, what's your question?
SC: Yeah, I---(yelling loudly)HEY! Don't play with that!
Me: I'm sorry, wha---
SC: PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW! I MEAN IT!
Me: <Aah. She's not talking to me. I shall wait.>
SC:...
Me:...
SC: WELL?
Me: I'm sorry?
SC: Oh, @#$! PAY ATTENTION! Low-stock!
Me: <Ah, yes. Because you know I'm psychic. However did you guess.> I apologize, Ma'am. There's a feature in the program that will warn you when your stock is low, and again when your stock is gone. (Continues explanation)
SC: THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! YOU'RE TELLING ME MY CUSTOMERS CAN ORDER PRODUCTS EVEN WHEN THERE IS NO STOCK.
Me: No, that's not what I intended, and that's not the case---
SC: THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
<And what, exactly, do you want me to do about it? And WHAT, exactly, IS good enough?!>

This goes on for about 5 or 6 repetitions.

Me: ...So it sends you an e-mail, and you can then choose to remove the product from circulation.
SC: Well, what if I want to change my database password?
Me: <Wow, you change gears REALLY FAST, huh. That had nothing to do with anything.> You'll need to talk to your hosting provider about changing passwords, ma'am, [company] writes the software but we have no control over your account---
SC: NO ONE IS WILLING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY! I'VE BEEN HACKED!
Me: <What the---> I'm sorry, Ma'am? Did you say you've been hacked? Has someone accessed your site?
SC: TELL ME who my hosting provider is. TELL ME who hacked my site! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE, YOU HACKED MY SITE!!!
Me: (Does a quick network solutions test) Your hosting provider is [name] and---
SC: [name]? Aah, NOW the pieces are coming together. (Like she's Sherlock Holmes. Seriously. THAT tone of voice)
Me: ...(utterly speechless)
SC: Well, let me tell you something, little girl <snapping point>. My site has been hacked. You hackers are poison.
Me: We did NOT hack your site.
SC: I AM TALKING.
Me: We did NOT hack your site. I want to make this clear.
SC: Well, Dan wrote this, he's a designer, and look at my site!
(I look at her site. It is HIDEOUS. But it's hideous due to bad design, not hacking)
Me: That's a design issue, not a hack, ma'am...
SC: Well, LET ME TELL YOU, I will not stand for this! I will sue you, it is ILLEGAL to access my site. <funny statement, for an online store.> I will SUE you, Balgram, and I WILL SUE THE COMPANY. I will---(crash noise in background, loud screaming of child)---GASP! WHY DID YOU DO THAT! WHY DID YOU HIT HIM! WHY DID YOU DO THAT! ---call you back.
*click*
Me: ...
Me: ...I'm going to lunch.


yyyyyep. She filed a complaint against the company boss, who is in the office next to mine, and we had a good laugh. She called a few times and we tried to explain that she hired a designer, her problems were with her designer, and no, we have never heard of that designer.

She called all gloaty, at the end:

Me: -Opening-
SC: This is just to let you know that I am taken care of, NO THANKS TO YOU.
Me: Glad to hear it.
SC: NO THANKS TO YOU, I had my SONS go find that designer. Turns out he lives 15 minutes away from me. (attempt at a all-knowing laugh), it's TAKEN CARE OF.
Me: ...<Should I be calling police?>
*click*

The end. Sorry if I didn't convey the absolute horror this person was to me.

[clowninasack]

Computers are deep voodoo for some people...

[Fenrus]

I wonder if "taken care of" actually means "was taken out back with a baseball bat, some butter, and a ballgag til they complied..."

[RetailWorkhorse]

Dear Balm:
Youlearn in kindegarden or at least I did that you can not fit a square peg in a round hole.

You do? I thought it was colours and how not smack the shit outta the kid next to you without being caught.

I never purchased your product but you are destroying me a person whom you know nothing about, how can you sleep at night?

I don't.

how can you even digest food?

Does Vodka count?

I could never be so evil,

You're not studying hard enough, then.

I would not be able to sleep,

What IS this "sleep" everyone keeps talking about?

My food wouldn't digest,

There's a way to get around that.

I wonder if "taken care of" actually means "was taken out back with a baseball bat, some butter, and a ballgag til they complied..."

I am GUTTER BRAINED.

[Samaliel]

Me: ...<Should I be calling police?>

I think you should have. Better safe than sorry, even if it's hard to be sorry for a self-appointed web designer whose design skills are no better than those of an epileptic color blind monkey on speed. And while I would be sorry for the poor guy, I wouldn't be sorry for the customer from hell if she actually tried and maimed said designer, got caught and sent to prison for a long time.

[Fenrus]

I am GUTTER BRAINED.

That's why we love you, RW.

[RetailWorkhorse]

BOO YEAH! I'm LOVED MAN!!!


.....LOVED!