How Not to Get Hired 101

[cheese]

Don't work in my office on a temporary contract, which was not renewed because you were awful - then reapply a year later for a permanent contract hoping everyone would have forgotten you by then. Yes, the manager/interviewer were different, so you managed to get an interview - but I'm still here! And even if I hadn't been, you should know what the job involves and therefore be able to pass the simple maths and computer tests (which you didn't even finish, let alone pass). Also, don't be rude to our administrator who showed you around/set up the tests for you, our boss does take our opinions into account too!

Don't come in for a 2 hour interview (interview plus tests) and say you can only stay half an hour, and could you be emailed the tests to do at home?

[Solacelawlz]

- show to an interview 35 minutes late with someone elses resume claiming it's yours

- show to an interview 10 minutes early but as you get up to shake the employers hand, reach in your pants to situate your junk for a good 10 secs, smell said hand while making a strange face, then reach for the hand shake.... yea it happened...

- Show to an interview tracking mud on the floor smelling of booze and old diapers

- cut off the employer while they are explaining the position to answer your phone in which you state "Yea girl, I'm in an interview right now...Yea he got a good view from up here. I'll tweet about it later I got this job in the bag" ...then winks at me like I'm supposed to agree? dot dot dot....

This one below, you SHOULD NOT do but sadly I did it, I was awesome/super lucky and got the job:

- I showed up to my first job out of college at IBM 75 mintues late, I got lost. *Mistake/Embarrassment#1*. The supervisor said "Normally we'd tell you to turn around and go home but they're still taking the technical exam so you can go do what you can in the time left." *Super Lucky* I go in room with group of 5 other people taking it already and finished it. The 5 applicants and myself are in the waiting room while tests are scanned and I comment on one of the pics on the wall stating how that chick looks super hot! Guess I said this too loud as she/supervisor walks in room, hears this and says "Yea.... that's me when I first got here." *Mistake/Embarrassment#2* At this point I'm thinking I should just walk out the door cause no way I'm getting this position. They call me back to discuss my exam and turns out I made the highest score. We talked over stuff and giggled about the weird situations of the day, then bam, job!!

[Divra]

Don't place strips of duct tape along your lower arms, and when someone inquires about them, say that you enjoy the feeling of pulling them off while you... pleasure yourself.

(OK, this wasn't for a job, it was for conscription, and this dude was actively trying to avoid spending a year humping a machine gun through the frozen wastes of northern Sweden, but still...)

[Shalom]

Here's one from my brother, the musician. He witnessed the first half firsthand and heard the second half from the bandmate involved:

Step 1: Be a guest at a wedding with live music. Spend the whole evening heckling the band, telling them how much they suck, etc. Include the immortal line, "Hey, don't quit your day job!".

Step 2: Next morning, show up to an office for an interview. Discover to your dismay that the man in charge of making the decision to hire you (or not) is the drummer/bandleader you were heckling all last night, who is now working at the day job you told him not to quit.

[MaseMan]

Quoth Shalom

Here's one from my brother, the musician. He witnessed the first half firsthand and heard the second half from the bandmate involved:

Step 1: Be a guest at a wedding with live music. Spend the whole evening heckling the band, telling them how much they suck, etc. Include the immortal line, "Hey, don't quit your day job!".

Step 2: Next morning, show up to an office for an interview. Discover to your dismay that the man in charge of making the decision to hire you (or not) is the drummer/bandleader you were heckling all last night, who is now working at the day job you told him not to quit.

Haha, that's awesome. I take it that it was a pretty brief "interview?"

[Shalom]

Quoth MaseMan

Haha, that's awesome. I take it that it was a pretty brief "interview?"

I'd have to ask my bro, but knowing this drummer, I suspect he'd have hired him anyway, just so he could watch the guy squirm every time he saw him...

[Cole's Law]

Wow, these are priceless! Here's one from my days at McDonalds:

Don't spend 20 minutes with your friends loudly mocking the staff while eating lunch (calling them dumba****, talking about which of the female employees you'd like to screw), then ask for an application on your way out.

[bhskittykatt]

Applicant the 1st:

1) Give a decent interview. State that one of the most important qualities of being a housekeeper is honesty.
2) When references are checked, the information you put down in your employment history doesn't match what your former employers have. Former employer notes that you're not eligible for rehire, and while it wasn't explicitly stated by the former employer, it seems you probably quit without notice.

What, did you think I wouldn't check references?

Applicant the 2nd:

1) Note that you worked for the same company, different location last season. Make your prospective employer salivate at the prospect of lower training costs, since you've already been through it once before.
2) Write down only one phone number, which is disconnected, so the prospective employer can't call you to schedule an interview.

Applicant the 3rd and 4th:
3rd applicant has lots of "duck face" photos on Facebook, as well as lots of pictures of drinking, and lots of mostly unintelligible posts (some of which seem to be posted whilst inebriated.) 4th applicant doesn't appear to have a social networking profile, at least not one that is visible in public search. Between the two, which one do you think I'm interviewing at 11am tomorrow?

[patiokitty]

Today's winner:

Come in and ask for a straw. Then ask for it to be cut in two before hightailing it into the bathroom. Come out a few minutes later and be rather obvious about what you just did in there - continually snorting and rubbing at your nose, STILL not getting the powder residue off - and proceed to hand me your resume.

Dude, I wasn't born yesterday...his resume couldn't hit the garbage can fast enough.

[wolfie]

If you're going to ask for a straw for your Coke before handing in a resume, it had better be a dark fizzy liquid.