The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Kitten in the box]

Dear sir:

I apologize for your inability to take advice. But then again had you taken the time to read our signs stating Not Responsible for ANY outcome occurring from the readings then you may have avoided this misfortune. Please accept our apologies and allow us to kiss your feet for your negligence and failure to read. Obviously it's (y)our fault entirely. Please take this $5.00 gift card as an apology and this book titled:I am
An idiot for not heeding advice by URA CompleteDumbass
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Dear Foodstuffs Manager:

I am APPALED at how your employee has the brazen AUDACITY to come in on THEIR day off and not serve me! I AM THE CUSTOMER!! And as such I DEMAND to be served in this establishment by said employee regardless if they are off the clock. If I HONESTLY gave a damn I wouldn't be bitching right now. How DARE that employee have a life of their own! HOW DARE they say I'm off the clock!! You need to FIRE that employee ill never come back again. I steal $$$ Of merchandise a week and they REFUSE service?!? Corporate will have a FULL 3 page wel written letter that lies about the horrible way I was treated!!

[purplecat41877]

Dear Anonymous,

It's illegal for employees to work off the clock. We're also pressing charges and banning you.

Sincerely,

Store Manager



Dear Pain Medication Factory Manager,

I left a bottle of pills open on the coffee table and my 4 year son thought they were candy and swallowed some. I had to take him to the hospital to get his stomach pumped. I demand you put warning labels stating that the pills are not candy. If you don't, I will send the hospital bill and sue you if you don't pay it.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Careless

[XCashier]

Dear Mrs. Careless:

There IS a label on the bottle warning that the medicine is not for children under 12 and warning against overdose. That's also why we put the child-proof cap on there and add a further warning to keep the medicine out of the reach of children.

Thank you for including your address; I have forwarded it to the Child Protective Services in your state. Anyone who leaves open bottles of medicine lying around has no business parenting small children.

Regards,
I. Buprofin, founder
Pain-B-Gone

* * * * *

Dear store manager,

I was shopping in your store when I went to the cashier. She said, "How may I help you?" but her voice was so awful! How dare you hire someone who talks like that! I told her how rude she was being, and she looked at me in confusion and asked "What did I say that was rude?" I told her she knew what she said, I didn't have to tell her. She rang me out in silence, looking like she was going to cry, oh boo hoo, poor baby.

I am appalled that you would hire someone so stupid and rude and with such a horrible voice! I demand that you fire her, have her and her entire family shot (can't have such defectives ruining the gene pool!) and give me a $500 gift card for my trouble, and I might consider shopping with you again.

Sincerely,
Ann Tagonist

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Tagonist,

That worker is my disabled niece. She's worked very hard to reach the level of functioning she's at. And you know what? She's more of a person than you ever will be, you judgemental monster! I don't ever respond this way to people, but since you demanded her, and my family for that matter, shot for being defectives in the gene pool, you have crossed the line.

You can forget about the gift card because you're the kind of snake I don't want here in my store! You are banned from my store.

Signed,
Bernard Rook, owner & manager of My New Best Friend.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Modern Amazon Coffeeshop:

I went to your coffee shop last night with my two kids because it was free concert night, where you invite local artists to come and perform on your stage. But your singer that night was horrible. All my kids did was run around, spill people's coffee, kicking things around, smash the chess set, and throw cards at the singer. Let them have their fun while I painted my nails.

The manager came out and he told me to get my kids out, but I'm not listening to a twenty-one year old kid!

And your singer stopped singing and told me, using the microphone, to go get my kids and get out! For a 30 year old, she sure needs to mind her own business! She sang a new song about the terrible parent and her awful brats, and how the people had to deal with it by rising up, gathering up the family, and throwing them out!

As soon as she was done singing, that's exactly what the people in your coffeeshop did!

I've never been so insulted all my life. It was humiliating! And worst of all, your manager said my kids and I could never come back. I demand a thousand dollars, that the singer never be invited back again, my kids be allowed to do whatever they want in your coffeeshop, and that we get free coffee and snacks for life!

Signed,

LaDonna Mobile-Home.

[Sterlingbond]

Dear Miss Mobile-home,

Thank you for writing. First off, I'd like to mention that the singer from that night was my daughter-in-law who, i might add, just got signed to a major record label. Secondly, 2 of the other patrons that night had to be rushed to the hospital for minor to moderate burns from the coffee your hellspawn spilled on them, and now I can inform them where to send their medical and insurance bills to. I suppose you probably didnt hear the ambulance sirens over your screeching shouts. I stand behind my management and will uphold the ban on you and your untrained monkey-children. You will NOT be receiving free anything, and you can forget about the $1000 you are demanding.

Sincerely,

William De Caff

__________________________________________________ ________________________

Dear Supermart Grocery,

I, as well as my little prince of a son, made a trip to your store to buy some groceries 3 days ago. I left my son to play in the toy aisle while I went to the hunting/fishing section to browse your (poor) selection of fishing gear. One of your managers made an announcement over the intercom that i needed to collect my son as he had broken 2 shelves and a countless number of toys. I was outraged and so i tossed the fish finder i was looking at on the shelf in disgust. After i collected my son, i was told i would have to pay for the damages, plus i was going to have to purchase the fish finder because the screen broke when i put it away. Now I am CERTAIN your employees broke these things and are trying to pin the blame on me to save their worthless selves from the unemployment line. My son would NEVER do anything like what your employees said he did. I am positively OUTRAGED. I am tempted to report you to the BBB. However, a $1000 gift card and 3 free t-bone steaks a month for life would cause me to change my mind on that. See to it that i get what i want, plus be exempted from paying for the merchandise that i am CERTAIN your employees broke, or i will never grace your establishment with my presence again.

Signed,

James Breakthings.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Breakthings,

We checked the security camera and saw both you and your sons breaking merchandise. Enclosed is a bill for the damage and both you and son are banned until the bill is paid.

Sincerely,

Store Manager



Dear Moneygram Manager,

I tried to send $2000 to my family in Europe and your rude operator had me give my personal information and charged a fee for sending the money. When I went to pay, the rude clerk had me fill out a form and told me I could only pay cash. I'm very important and those rules shouldn't apply to me. I demand your company stop the fees, allow all forms of payment, and stop the forms or I will hack into your system and make those changes myself.

Sincerely,

M. O. Neygram

[KhirasHY]

I don't have a specific complaint, but I couldn't resist going to the Complaint Generator from Scott Pakin just to have some fun for the night. Here's what it gave me

At times, we all have an axe to grind. Currently, I'm grinding my axe in regards to Mr. Hotel Guest's nostrums. I begin with critical semantic clarifications. First, if we don't reinforce notions of positive self-esteem, then Mr. Guest will soon become unstoppable. No borders will be able to detain him. No united global opinion will be able to isolate him. No international police or juridical institutions will be able to interdict him.

Mr. Guest exhibits an air of superiority. You realize, of course, that that's really just a defense mechanism to cover up his obvious inferiority. If you don't think that it would be downright authoritarianism-oriented for him to defuse or undermine incisive critiques of his contumelious, lackluster behavior by turning them into procedural arguments about mechanisms of institutional restraint, then you've missed the whole point of this letter. Mr. Guest says that the purpose of life is self-gratification. But then he turns around and says that free speech is wonderful as long as you're not bashing him and the childish, mean-spirited cheapskates in his club. You know, you can't have it both ways, Mr. Guest. Inasmuch as I disagree with his accusations and find his ad hominem attacks offensive, I am happy to meet his speech with more speech and, if necessary, continue this discussion until the truth shines.

Mr. Guest's henchmen have repeatedly been caught breaking down the industrial-technological system. I had expected better from him and his vaunted coalition of imprudent, possession-obsessed conspiracy theorists and dissolute wallies, but then again, Mr. Guest is putting a huge amount of effort into squashing his self-doubt and hiding his flaws. The more effort he puts into that, the worse things are when these suppressed traits finally bust out. When that happens—and it will definitely happen—you should be sure to remember that Mr. Guest and his countless imitators are unremittingly hostile towards those of us who take advantage of a rare opportunity to deal with Mr. Guest's stentorian, arrogant cop-outs on a case-by-case basis. I know you're wondering why I just wrote that. I'll explain shortly, but first, I should state that Mr. Guest's slaves care more about speaking, acting, and even thinking like Mr. Guest than they care about what makes sense. Well, that's getting away from my main topic, which is that I don't need to be particularly delicate here. Every time I strike that note, which I guess I do a lot, I hear from people calling me mingy or unsophisticated. Here's my answer: Mr. Guest has remarked that his terrorist organization consists entirely of lovable, cuddly people who would never dream of conditioning the public to accept violence as normal and desirable. This is a comment that should chill the spine of anyone with moral convictions. To make sure you understand I'll spell it out for you. For starters, Mr. Guest's bedfellows get a thrill out of protesting. They have no idea what causes they're fighting for or against. For them, going down to the local protest, carrying a sign, hanging out with Mr. Guest, and meeting some other discourteous agelasts is merely a social event. They're not even aware that Mr. Guest proclaims at every opportunity that he'd never inculcate the hermeneutics of suspicion in otherwise open-minded people. The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks. Let me end this letter with a call to action. Please join those of us who are listening to others, and through your support we will shape a world of dignity and harmony, a world of justice, solidarity, liberty, and prosperity. Together we will free Mr. Hotel Guest's mind from the constricting trammels of Maoism and the counterfeit moral inhibitions that have replaced true morality. Together we will take action.

[Andrew B.]

Dear Moneygram Manager,

I tried to send $2000 to my family in Europe and your rude operator had me give my personal information and charged a fee for sending the money. When I went to pay, the rude clerk had me fill out a form and told me I could only pay cash. I'm very important and those rules shouldn't apply to me. I demand your company stop the fees, allow all forms of payment, and stop the forms or I will hack into your system and make those changes myself.

Sincerely,

M. O. Neygram

Dear Mr Neygram,

We are a cash only business because too many customers have either disputed the payment after the fact, bounced a check, or committed fraud.

Thank you for telling us about the intent to hack, we're sure the FBI will love to talk to you.

Ms. Money

_____

Dear Gamestore,

What do you mean you won't accept my NGenesis carts for trades anymore. I bought them 12 years ago and I need the money now. I demand you accept any game in trade. If you don't, I will stand outside the shop and play loud polka music during your hours of operation.

Kent Levities.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr Levities,

Thank you so much for informing us of your intention to disturb the peace well in advance. There will be two members of the police force waiting outside our store for you.

Yours, Gamestore Manager.

~~~

Dear Starbucks manager,

I and my 20 month year old daughter Shytllynne visited your coffee shop yesterday and I was appalled and horrified to find that you had no changing table in your toilets. In order to hammer home this omittance, I proceeded to change Shytllynne's nappy on the table. One of your employees, a fat girl called Clare, had the nerve to tell me off and state that I should leave as I was offending other customers and violating healthcare regulations.

I demand that Clare be fired at once and that you send me a written apology from both you and her, along with a gift card giving me free coffee for the rest of my life. Otherwise, I and the rest of my mother's group will boycott Starbucks forever and you will lose our business.

Yours sincerely,

A Terriblemother.

[mjr]

Dear Starbucks manager,

I and my 20 month year old daughter Shytllynne visited your coffee shop yesterday <MR SNIPPY WAS HERE!!>


Yours sincerely,

A Terriblemother.

Dear Ms. Terriblemother:

Clare won't be fired, and you won't be getting free coffee coupons. We have the video and audio of the exchange between you and Clare, and based on what we heard and saw, you do not deserve to be a customer of ours. And your mother's group is aware of what happened and they have told us that they are kicking you out of the mother's group for, and this is a quote, "making a big deal out of nothing". So good luck getting them not to come.

Disrespectfully,

A. Manager.
--------------------

Dear Local Grocery Store manager:

I recently went shopping in your grocery store. The cashier and the bagger were extremely hot girls who looked like they were in college. I asked them both out on dates and told them I wanted to make love to them, and they told me no! One even had the nerve to tell me she had a boyfriend! Like that matters! These two had horrible customer service because they wouldn't go out with me!!

This is unacceptable! I demand a date with one of these girls, or I demand that they be fired! I'm important, and I'm the customer, so I'm always right! They embarrassed me! I'm a very important person! I also demand a front of the store parking space, a checkout line of my own, and free groceries for a year!

Fix this problem, or I will sue you, tell everyone you have terrible customer service, and ever shop there again. You guys are all stupid, and your store is overpriced anyway.

Not Sincerely,

Cree P. Guy

[Kristev]

Dear. Mr. P. Guy,

So it was you who harassed my granddaughters in my store last week!

One of them was so scared she called her boyfriend to stay with her for the rest of the shift, and the other one was so mad she almost flattened you with a baseball bat because you wouldn't go away!

Under no circumstances will I require my granddaughters to date you, nor will I fire them. But I will leave you a parking spot. It'll be right next to the lovely red stripe on my curb...

Now that I have your name and address, I'm turning this over to the nearest chapter of NOW. The leader of this chapter is a biker who's been teaching women karate. Have a nice day.

Signed:

Anne Gree-Grandmummy, owner of Domestic Goddess grocery store, which sells groceries by women, for women.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Muses,

I went into your store the other day, seeking to buy new paints, and I feel I've been treated very badly.

First of all, your sales girl wouldn't stop taking with that minority, who was probably an illegal anyway. Yes, she was talking to him about the kind of paint he needed, but I don't care. She wouldn't leave him to talk to me, when I clearly outrank him!

Secondly, I decided to go get some canvas, but the person who was selling the canvas had... Downs Syndrome! I'm not touching what he touched, so I couldn't get my canvas! I demand he be fired and the canvas all washed thoroughly!

Thirdly, I saw a pad I needed, and some teenage girl grabbed that pad first. It was the last pad! So what if she was closer? So what if some man started screaming at me that I'd trampled all over his little toddler son? Little rugrat should've gotten out of my way! It was wrong... that your cashier wouldn't make that girl give me the pad when I demanded it!

And I am offended that you allowed a pair of teenage boys to enter your store. They told one of your staff that they had a list of supplies they needed to make a surprise for their grandfather, but I know what teenagers and paint really mean. You should've thrown them out! They weren't even dressed right.

And then, when I called for the manager and demanded the enforcement of my natural rights, that person with Downs syndrome threw, I mean he threw, a jar of paint all over my million-dollar suit!

You will give me ten million dollars, fire your staff, inform them that I am to be served first and that if I want something, I will get it, and that anyone younger than 21 be banned from the store. Otherwise, I will take my million dollars and my stack of coupons that save me $ 9,999,999.95 dollars on any purchase to someone else's store!

Sighed, Lord Eli Test.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Lord Test,

For your information, the person selling the canvas is my own grandson. He may have Down's Syndrome, but believe me, he's a far better person than you will ever be. In fact, I am so enraged at your prejudice that I'm going to permanently ban you from the store. I'd far rather lose you as a customer than lose all those customers you complained about.

Yours, Store Manager of Muses.

~~~~

Dear Manager of Petstore,

I am writing to complain of something I saw in your pet store yesterday. There were rats! In cages! For sale to customers! Why are you selling vermin to customers? I demand that you take the rats off sale immediately, or I will report you to the health inspector and never come to your store again.

Yours, I Hayte-Rattes.

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Hayte-Rattes,

The rats in question have been bred for many generations to be clean, tame and friendly and have the certification to prove it. We sold one yesterday that even gave me a good-bye nuzzle. Rats make excellent pets, and if you were to take the time to meet one of them, you would see that.

The health inspector visited us yesterday and gave us a certificate for having a clean pet store with extremely healthy pets. He, in fact, was the one who bought the rat, as well as a nice big cage, exercise ball and premium rat food. Just thought you'd like to know that.

Sincerely,
Lovey Petz, owner
Furry Friends Pet Store

*****

Dear Postmaster General,

I went to my local post office to drop off a package, and the sole clerk was taking way too long with the customer in front of me. Something about the customer not knowing the difference between a letter and a parcel, but so what, the clerk took too long! I was waiting a whole hour, from 8:30 to 8:40! Naturally I yelled at the clerk and told her what I thought of her. Several people in line called me a big mouth and said I was too loud, but so what! If that idiot had just taken me before the stupid customer, it would've solved everything!

That's three hours of my life I will never get back! I demand my own personal line and free postage for life, or I will take my business to your competitor!

Sincerely,
Blare Foghorn-Voice

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Foghorn-Voice,

You won't have to worry. Soon our office will be closing. Feel free to take your package to the shipping store in the town fifty miles away, which will charge triple the rates that we used to. I hear they have walls that echo so loudmouths end up having their own hostile words reflect right back at them, at the same volume...

Regretfully yours,

Soon to be ex-Postmaster General.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Snip, Snap, Snorem,

I took my son into your shop yesterday to get some magic supplies. You know, white doves, trick cards, a wand with secret flowers. He's got an important talent show at school and, since my arch rival, that snooty Mrs. Cendelor, is having her daughter put on a magic show, I insist my son do so. He wanted to sing, or dance, or something, but who cares? He's only fifteen. He doesn't know what he needs. I'm his mother, and after all, Mother knows best!

Anyway, I dragged him to your shop, and what did we find there? Men and women getting their hair cut. How dare Snip, Snap, Snorem be a beauty shop instead of a parlour trick shop?

Your coffee was caffeinated, and the only thing you had to snack on was a vending machine full of sweet garbage, like donuts and pastries! Not a veggie in sight!

And worst of all, Mrs. Cendelor was there! She was having her hair dyed, and when she found out what I'd come for, she laughed at me. And she got that idiotic black beautician who was attending her to laugh right along with her. Soon the whole shop was laughing. I almost had a heart attack!

I grabbed my son, and I had to slap him in the face because he was laughing too! Mrs. Cendelor has gone all over the school telling them what a bad mother and an idiot I am, and my son still has yet to buy the cheap magic kit at The Little Shop of Horrors. I asked him why, and he says he's so ashamed, he can't even think about magic. I had no choice but to acquiese to his request to sing or dance or whatever he wanted, poor dear. Well, that does it! Not only have you and your nitwit staff of laughing heyenas traumatized me, you've traumatized my son, too!

I demand that you give my son and I free magic kits, and free haircuts, washes, and dye jobs, for the rest of our lives, and that whenever I come in, you have strictly healthy coffee and sugar-free snack foods that must taste good waiting and personally served to me by that wretched black woman who laughed at me! You will also provide me with one million dollars and ban Mrs. Cendelor and her daughter for life.

If you refuse, I will sue you for emotional distress, my own, and my son's! That'll fix you!

Signed Vi Careous, Mother of two boys and a daughter who oddly somehow never seems to have time to talk to me or call me since she went on to college somewhere in England. She says she can't remember what city is, or the address, or...

[Ashaela]

Ms. Careous:

It seems that you have communication issues with your son, as I can assure you he is very familiar with the range of hair-care services we provide and has had his highlights done here regularly for the last year. Might I suggest listening to him next time he tells you you're wrong? Also, you should be aware that your son is quite the excellent dancer and looks fa-HAB-ulous in costume. It's too bad you haven't been able to catch his act down at the club.

Regarding your racist remarks about staff, your insulting comments about our beloved vending machine, your ridiculous demands and your general lack of intelligence:

Up Yours.

Sincerely,
Jason Snorem
Snip, Snap Snorem

****

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing regarding an extremely distressing encounter I had at your hot dog cart last weekend. Your vendor is extremely unhelpful and refused to assist me with the simplest request. He actually had the nerve to tell me that you don't carry anything that I was asking for!

I find it difficult to believe that in today's day and age, you can't get a tofu corndog with organic, locally sourced mustard and turkey bacon on a gluten-free bun at a street-corner hot dog cart. I demand that you have this employee reprimanded and re-trained immediately, and that you give me three free hot dogs and an order of waffle fries. (The free hot dogs do not have to be tofu.)

I will be contacting the BBB to report you if I do not receive a response by tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Catch Upper