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  • Dear Mr. Noid,

    We got in contact with your doctor and passed this letter to him. Also, the cartoon is just a form of entertainment.

    Sincerely,

    W. Ebsitedevil
    Owner



    Dear Border Patrol Manager,

    I was stopped at the border of Mexico by one of your rude Border Patrol officers who had the nerve to ask me what my purpose was for entering Mexico. I told him it was none of his business. He refused to lift the gate so I drove my car through it. The officer tried to come after me so I ran over his legs with my car and sped off. I want the Border Patrol officer fired and told it was none of his business that I'm getting away from the FBI for robbing several banks and jewelry stores. The FBI will never be able to arrest me if I'm in Mexico. I will not go to prison and will be living in my car until I find a place to live. I also want you to tell the Mexican police to leave me alone or I will run those who try to stop me over with my car.

    Sincerely,

    Fu G. Tive
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    Comment


    • Dear Mr. Tive,

      Don't fret. Just wait in your rather distinctive car, and I and my friends will come over and help you. We'll be only too happy to take you where the F. B. I. can't find you, where the Mexican police can't find you, where even Dog the Bounty Hunter can't find you. In fact, where nobody can find you. Be prepared for a new life.

      Sincerely,

      Mr. Hugh Man Trafficker.

      -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Dear Mrs. Anne Trepeneur,


      I am furious with your daughters, Minerva and Athena. Why am I angry at your teenage girl and her tween sister? Because when my home somehow caught on fire last night, and everyone in the neighborhood started gathering to watch the blaze, your daughters set up a lemonade stand and started selling lemonade! They made a fortune!

      What brats! Not that I'm pleased with the community, either. Everyone watched my home burn down and not one of you could somehow manage to find your garden hoses. People were acting like my home burning was some kind of a block party! They had Bluetube livestreaming, with Belle Siren leading the community in a song of cheer and celebration!

      It became a big party, and everyone came. Including Dr. Leona Pride and her Lionesses, as well as a couple of people from the Supermen and Wonder Women cleaning agency. And that creepy Dr. X from the asylum was there, too. Pizza delivery people from my favorite parlor, were also there reveling.

      But it was your girls who made me so angry, selling lemonade and making a bundle. And they didn't even agree to give me any of the money! After all, it's me who is suffering here! As of last night, I am homeless!

      All my fine things are gone! There's nothing left. It's all ashes! What am I supposed to do now? A lifetime of collections, burned to a crisp. Why, even a few mice and rats got burned up, too. No one was even willing to let me stay with them. Instead, they were having a block party!

      I don't even know how my home caught on fire, only that it did, and it burned fast. And all my neighbors, all my friends, services I've had, in fact, just about everyone I know, was there celebrating.

      "Your house has been a hazard to your neighbors for a long time," said Dr. Pride. "It was also condemned last week, so why are you still even living there? The Cult of Free Bees is less dangerous than your rat-infested house of hoarding."

      The fire department showed up, but they did nothing until the fire began to spread to the Grayson house next door.

      I'm so mad! I demand that you make your daughters give me the money they made selling lemonade at the block party! I also expect that you and the other neighbors find me a new place to live! The only reason I actually didn't end up sleeping on the literal street is because Dr. X invited, well, actually, he more like insisted, that I came to his asylum to be treated for a hoarding disorder. So at least I have a room and a bed, for a few days . . .

      But I need a new home! And I want all my things restored! And I really, really want to know which one of you set that fire! On top of all that, I want the money your kids made, and another few thousand on top of that for my trouble, my trauma, my pain, and my suffering!

      If you don't give it to me, and fast, when I get out of here, there's a few other houses in the neighborhood that could use a little fire. Shall I start with your home?

      Angrily yours,

      Mr. Tras. H. Keeper, now homeless and with none of my possessions, just a creepy doctor and a scary, pushy nurse who keeps threatening me.
      Last edited by Kristev; 05-16-2020, 07:18 PM.
      Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

      Comment


      • Dear Mr. Keeper,

        It's not safe to live in a condemned house and the house caught fire due to rodents chewing on the wires. Therefore, you will receive nothing except a long stay in the institution.

        Sincerely,

        Anne Trepeneur
        Manager



        Dear Outdoor Store Manager,

        I recently bought a grill from your store since I had guests coming over. However, it rained the day of the barbecue. I wasn't going to let the rain ruin my plans so I brought the grill into the living room and grilled the food there. Some of the guests started to have trouble breathing and had to be rushed to the hospital.

        Thanks to your store, the guests that were rushed to the hospital had to be treated for carbon monoxide. You need to train your employees to warn customers that barbecue grills can't be used indoors. Also, you need to contact the company and have them put on a warning label not to use the grill indoors. If you don't, I will barbecue in your store and then set it on fire.

        Sincerely,

        I. N. Doorgriller
        Last edited by purplecat41877; 07-23-2020, 03:47 AM.
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        • Dear Mr. Doorgriller,

          If you looked on the box, it clearly states that the grill is for outdoor use only. We have informed the police of your threats.

          Sincerely,

          G. R. Iller
          Manager



          Dear Supermarket Manager,

          I was recently in your store and the employee who rang me up was very rude to me. I asked her if she was voting for Ronald Grump or Moe Ridin. She had the nerve to tell me it was none of my business and she couldn’t vote anyway because she was sixteen. I want this rude employee fired and make sure no one else hires her until she’s eighteen or I will burn down your store.

          Sincerely,

          Mrs. Nosy
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          Comment


          • Dear Mrs. Nosy,

            Since we are in Ireland, we aren't even having elections at this time. We do wish Americans like you would learn some manners when visiting our country. It seems a fourteen-day hold in your hotels isn't enough to get you familiar with how things are done in Ireland.

            We won't be firing Molly for being honest, anyway. She is only sixteen.

            But we don't think you'll be voting for anyone, anyway, since you committed a crime in our store. Or did you think our security camera didn't notice you seizing quite a handful of sanitizer bottles, knocking them off of the shelf and letting most of them land into your purse, while the rest hit the floor? And worse, drank one of those bottles because it said Chocolate on it. The reason you left is because you were rushed to the hospital thanks to that same Molly you berated so savagely. Her keen eyes and quick thinking got you to the hospital in time. Don't you know sanitizer is poisonous?


            We have already informed the police about you. It was very foolish to threaten to burn down our store, and even more unwise to put your name and address on the letter. Perhaps we should be worried about you for your own safety, since you clearly don't have enough sense to manage a simple trip to the store without getting yourself in mortal danger. Luckily, either the police or the doctors will keep hold of you for your own protection.

            Sincerely,

            Mr. Dan Withyou,

            Supervisor, Four-Leaf Clover Markets.

            -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

            Dear Druids of the Coast,

            I'm writing to you to complain about your namely updated game, Forests and Komodo Dragons. When my teenage son, me tween daughter, and I got the game book from Female Warriors website, we thought it would be a simple game to play with dice on a table. But it isn't.

            Instead, it's a book that expects children and teenagers to get up and outside, having adventures in the forest or the ocean, though always with a mother/father/stepparent/grandfather/grandmother/aunt/uncle/responsible adult sibling serving as the Game Master. The book is full of quests, such as shoot all manner of wildlife (with a camera. If you use a gun, you are disqualified), clean up all the trash in an area of the forest or the beach in exchange for a reward from the GM, rescue injured or trapped animals, and all sorts of quest ideas like that.

            You can play as either a Ranger, who serves as a guide to others and a forest warrior, or a Druid, who can cast spells and has some kind of mystical nature-priest vibe to it. The only other option to play is the Bard, who combines their powers but adds music and storytelling. Only, bards have to do their own singing and makeup their own songs, because you can't bring any electronics with you when you play the game, except for cameras and medical equipment, which are part of the spells. Everything else is forbidden by the rules. Well, of course, I ignored that so I could bring my smart phone. I rely on that for everything. My kids prefer video games.

            So my son, my daughter, and my nephew, went to the woods with me to play this game. My son was the druid, my daughter the bard, and my nephew the ranger.

            The kids quickly started using the core rule book, looking up skills. I looked over the skills, too, and none of them were for dungeoneering or the epic raids we're all use to playing on video games. These skills were about survival in a forest. The whole book was practically nothing but wilderness/ocean lore and Knowledge: Nature. My son thinks he knows more about safe and toxic plants, and about the healing properties of plants and herbs, than my video-doctor does! He's become quite annoying!

            Obviously, my son, the Druid, had the best time with the book, because he kept referring to it to cast spells. Only it turns out, and he and I both noticed this right away but my younger daughter and nephew didn't, that the spells in the book aren't really magic. They're just designed to feel like they are as part of the game. For instance, my son using the "Summon Nature's Ally" spell involved the book teaching him the correct use of lights, campfires, and flares, to get the attention of a forest ranger. It certainly got one, and she helped us, but I'm still annoyed. If my phone could make a call out here in the woods, I would've just called the rangers myself!

            Well, I was wandering ahead because I wanted to see something. My nephew cried out that, according to the book, I was walking straight into a hornet's nest. I ignored him, and kept on walking, because Boondoggle Maps on my phone told me to. Next thing I know, I'm getting stung. I'm allergic to hornets, and I lose consciousness.

            From what my daughter told me when I woke up, my son grabbed the book and cast a level 9 spell that only Master Druids dare to cast except in emergencies: Cure Critical Allergy. The book, she said, taught him exactly how to use my emergency epi pen and then how to handle any further allergic reactions until I got healthy again. And he cast the spell, using the instructions to use my pen. The boy just kept healing me as the book directed until I was safe. But not once did he even try to use my phone for help. How offensive!

            And then I really got mad, because I used Boondoggle Maps again to lead us back to camp after an expedition. But finally, my son had enough and demanded we stop, because we were lost and Boondoggle Maps were only making it worse. He and I argued, until my daughter grabbed the book. She used another spell, Discern Location. She rattled off the instructions, and she sounded like she was practicing astrology, casting a spell. But my son told me to let her have her fun. The book's spells are meant to trick you into thinking you're using magic, such as astrology, but it's really teaching her basic astronomy using astrology's trappings. My daughter recognized Ursa minor, and that our camp was only a little bit far from it. So using the 'spell' she used the stars and guided us back to camp herself, with no help from my son (who was letting her have her moment) or my phone! I don't want her learning magic for real! All night, she crowed that she could tell the future, while my son begged me not to tell her the truth yet, and that she did in fact save us using the book.

            My nephew, on the other hand, when he had the book, learned a great deal about animals. He convinced my daughter to stay away from the grizzly bear we saw (luckily far from us), because the section of the book about Handle Animal: Bear, made it clear to him that bears are not cuddly, and are not nice. My phone didn't even work that deep in the woods! And worse yet, my nephew read the section on traps and warned us we were about to walk into a quicksand patch. My son made us turn away on my nephew's advice. He even grabbed me and held me back! I should've punched him for his disrespect!

            Anyway, we get home. I've had a horrible time, missing my coffee, my shower, my television, my Internet, and of course, my phone. But my son and daughter had a great time and want to do it again someday. Next time, they can take their mother as GM. She loves going to the beach, anyway, and the book is almost as much about the ocean as it is about the forest. Bah humbug! Why did my kids have to fall in love with the forest? Why couldn't they just be technophiles like me, like they were before we ever got this book?

            And worse, my son has convinced my wife, his mother, to buy him two supplement books for his birthday! She can't choose. There are too many. The Book of Healing, The Book of Reptiles, The Book of Geography. He finally settled on one two: The Book of Healing, which is a comprehensive guide to everything you'd need to know about medicine in a forest/ocean/wilderness setting, and Arctic Adventures, which tells you how to play the game in places like Alaska.

            I took a look, just to see, at The Book of Reptiles. It said "In the Core Rulebook, you learned that snakes with triangle heads are usually venomous, while snakes that lack that are usually safe. But in places like Texas, that's not always true. This book is a full and comprehensive manual for how to deal with reptiles, unlike the general advice in the Core Rulebook . . ."

            I am offended by all of this! I don't pay this kind of money to buy a book that's basically a camping guide with fantasy trappings! I demand that you revise this book so that you're required to bring all of your technology! That you're not to rely on stars for guidance or herbs for healing and food, but on your phone, and things like that! And I demand that you fix my Boondoggle Maps, as it's become as useless for travel around the city as it was for travel in the woods! Plus, I want a million dollars and the sorcerer class included!

            If you don't, I happen to know some people from the Blackguard Corporation who will be only too happy to tear your business to shreds if I pay them enough! I'd also like you to fire that customer service representative, Flora, because when I called your company line to complain, including that there were no sorcerers in the game, as I love to play as sorcerers when I play online games, she told that unlike druids and bards, sorcerers aren't real and so they weren't included in the game. The point was to get kids off their butts, off screams, and back into the healthier environment of the forest and the ocean. How dare she be so rude?

            Signed,

            Mr. Tex Addict.
            Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

            Comment


            • Dear Mr. Addict,

              We design games to take a break from technology and so people can get fresh air and enjoy nature.
              Also, your requests are denied and Flora has been given a raise and promoted to customer service manager.

              Sincerely,

              D. R. uidplayer
              Manager



              Dear Credit Card Company,

              I tried to purchase some items and my card was rejected. When I called the number on the card, your rude employee told me that I needed to pay my bill. I told her that no one told me I was supposed to pay my bill. She told me that a bill was sent in a envelope with the company's name. I told her that I threw it out because I thought it was junk mail. I demand you tell anyone with a credit card that they have to pay their bill or I will post on Facebook that you give away cards with free money on them.

              Sincerely,

              C. L. Uelesswithacreditcard
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              Comment


              • Dear Credit Mr. Uelesswithacreditcard,

                We here are Discovered Cards are very sorry that someone else's card was rejected. This has been a bit of a problem, as our cards have quite a tendency to be lost by the original holders, and then found a short time later by other people. Based upon your information, we know that while your card says Ms. Terra Deacon, your name is Molly Coddle.
                What our employee told you, our phone records indicate, is that Mrs. Deacon hasn't paid her bill since her card went missing and has requested that we cancel her card. That is why your card stopped working. Mrs. Deacon refused to pay the bill, or let the card continue to exist, since it was no longer her that was doing all the spending. She can't sue us, because it's in our contract that missing Discovered cards become the property of the new cardholder. You had your fun playing on Mrs. Deacon's dime, but alas, all good things come to an end. As for Facebook, alas, we've been banned from there, as we have from most formats, because it's too easy to take someone else's card and act like its your own.

                We'll send you a card of your very own if you wish, but it becomes your responsibility to pay the bill, and heaven help you should you misplace it and someone else finds it. Because we won't, and our settlement with the state A. G. says we don't have to. We just have to state this in our contract go through all the hoops, and when someone cancels a card because it's lost, we have to honor that and drop all expectations of payment and . . . well, why bore you with details when you obviously don't read anyway.

                If you want a card of your own, just sign on the dotted line. And do what people have learned to do with our cards; chain it to your wrist and keep away from Joker Wildcard. Especially if he has his cell phone out.

                Sincerely,

                Mr. Sam Juan Elsamoney,

                Customer service rep for Discovered Cards.

                -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                Dear Buffer Zone Coldspot Internet Services,

                I am angry because I placed a call to your customer service department, because I wanted an upgrade on my Internet services. Your worker there, some unimportant no one with some foreign name and accent, Louisianan or something, refused to upgrade me. She said, if you can call what she does with that foreign accent 'speech', was that I'd signed an iron-clad, frozen contract and the only way out is to cancel my service and pay the early termination fee.

                I admit, I said a few things that weren't kind and demanded to speak with an American. She tried to 'say' she was one, but I rebuked her. Only people who don't have an accent, like me, are Americans. Foreigners like her are the absolute ruin of this country, you know? Once, she dared to try to 'ask' me if New Orleans was part of America, and I told her "Of course it isn't! Hurricane Katrina washed it out to sea years ago! Now you need to stop playing games and get me a manager."
                And she did, but the manager was a man from New York! New York! That's somewhere in Europe! I wanted an American, and I wanted one now! But I didn't get one. That foreigner from New York told me that he was the only manager working at night, so it was me or nothing until morning. I felt trapped. And persecuted! But I had no choice, so I went along and told this alien that I wanted him to upgrade my service, and that I would not be paying for any service upgrade or any extra fees, because of my trauma and inconvenience dealing with all these foreigners.

                He asked me where I was from, and I told him. Florida. Then he signed, and when I pressed him, he quickly explained that he was sighing only because his computer was working so slowly, and that he's used to "New York speeds." What kind of men do you hire? First he's a foreigner, and now he tells me he wants Speed?

                Finally, we went over my contract. He told me that slow Internet service that tends to falter when watching videos or expecting it to do anything, and having a device that does provide Internet, but at a very feeble level and has a literal chill to the touch, for the unchanging price of ten dollars a month, is the standard contract. The "Thawed Out But Unsafe" or TUBO, would require upgrading to seventy dollars a month.
                And to get the "Hot & Wild" service would cost one hundred and twenty dollars a month. In either case, I'd have to break my contract, pay the cancellation fee, and start with a new contract. I refused this, and demanded to be upgraded for free.

                His response was that we'd been talking until daybreak, so now a manager higher than him had just walked into the building. He put her on, and she was from Ireland! I could tell by her accent, and her name, Kathleen O'Rourke. So I immediately hung up. Foreigner upon foreigner upon foreigner! Is that why your service is so slow?

                So I'm writing you this letter. I've also had it written in Mexican by my housekeeper, who is Mexican herself, so that there are two copies in this envelope. You'll be able to read one of them, no doubt.
                I demand a free upgrade to the best service possible, and that you provide me with that service for free for life! You can also give me a million dollars for my trouble. If you don't, I'm going to call the authorities and tell them that you're hiring illegals! They're going to put the hurt on you so bad!

                Bitterly yours,

                Mr. Dan Derhead.

                OOC: This letter only works if Buffer Zone Coldspot Internet is as I wrote it: That it does provide Internet services for ten dollars a month, but service so slow and weak that people only put up with it because the price is frozen at ten dollars.
                Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

                Comment


                • Dear Mr. Derhead,

                  All of our employees are from the United States and tried to help you. We can't upgrade you for free but we can do a new upgrade for $40 a month. The internet will be high speed. Also, enclosed is a map of the world.

                  Sincerely,

                  T. I. Redofslowspeeds
                  Manager



                  Dear Supermarket Manager,

                  I came to shop and your rude employees kept telling me that I have to wear a mask in the store. I am very important and the ridiculous pandemic rules that involve this fake virus don't apply to me. I demand you tell your employees to mind their own business and allow me to shop without a mask all I want. If you don't, I will set fire to your store with a carton of cigarettes.

                  Sincerely,

                  Ida Wanda Wearamask
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                  Comment


                  • Dear Ms. Wearamask,

                    The pandemic is very real and applies to everyone. Either way, you're banned from the store and the police have been notified of your threat.

                    Sincerely,

                    M. Askup
                    Manager



                    Dear Office Manager,

                    You had no right to fire me! All I did was clock in, leave the building to do whatever I wanted, and came back to clock out when it was time. I demand my job back and to be allowed to do whatever I want. If you don't comply, I'll post on social media that you make your employees work during their shifts.

                    Sincerely,

                    Lacey Worker
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                    Comment


                    • Dear Lacey Worker:

                      We pay you to be here working. That's why we require you to clock in every day. You're supposed to be providing us a service and your time, and we in turn give you money for sacrificing your time to perform a service for us.

                      You have not been doing that.

                      Therefore, we will not give you your job back, and we think your social media friends will side with us.

                      Sincerely,

                      I.M. Theboss


                      Dear Big Record Company:

                      I've been a big fan of BigFamousBand for years. But their latest album stinks! Why did you let them record such terrible songs? I was really looking forward to their album, so imagine my dismay when I bought it, and found the songs unlistenable!

                      What a terrible thing to do! I feel like I wasted my money on music I'm never going to listen to! Therefore, I demand my own recording contract, $10 million in cash, the ability to pick all the songs for BigFamousBand's next album, and backstage passes and front row seats for BigFamousBand for me and my friends next time they come to my area!

                      Sincerely

                      I. W. Antgoodmusic.
                      Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

                      Comment


                      • Dear Mr. Antgoodmusic

                        Most hu . . . people we've met, who survived the encounter, say they're big fans of BigFamousBand. Which is why we have some sad news, but we're just so mad we want to come up and nip you (but we won't). Their latest album is almost to double-platinum. If you had actually purchased that, you would know that. Instead, you did what a great many people did, thinking they could get easy prey rather than be patient. By the way you describe what you heard, it is obvious you are yet another hasty person, who didn't wait for the real album to come out, but purchased the early version of the album sold by The Radio Pirates. Somehow they bribed one of our employees with crab to get them to give them an unedited, uncorrected copy and went around selling that a week before the finished product, released by us, hit stores. Well, let's just say that when we found out, The Radio Pirates are now no more. How we managed them, of course, let's just say that they floundered in court, then their flagship got pushed until it hit the rocks and sunk. There were no survivors, or so I was told.

                        Why should we give someone who bought the premature bootleg version of our album to have any chance at a recording contract? You did the wrong thing, and we're supposed to audition you? And no, you won't get to pick the songs for their next album, or any backstage passes.

                        But on the other f . . . hand, we are willing to let you see if you're as good as you say. Meet me and a few of my friends at Pier 75 a week from now. You'll know the place because we'll be practicing with a classic instrumental number until you show up to impress us.

                        Sincerely,

                        Levi Athan,

                        Vice President of the Megalodon Record Company.

                        -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        Dear Justwoman Brush Company,

                        I ruined my paintbrushes by leaving them in the heart that I painted of the man who defeated me in our last debate on Scream For America, one of the Sunday political shows. So I needed new brushes, and decided to order from your company, as I do tend to do. But I won't anymore! It's my job at Scandal Sheets Weekly to paint people who disagree with my bosses and the paper's owners into corners, and to paint their positions as extreme, subversive, and totally unamerican! As I was going over your website, I saw them. Your beautiful new product, the Broad Brushes. So I ordered some, instead of my normal brush set.

                        Thing is, instead of the normal brushes that I'd use if I hadn't ruined them, painted in overly broad strokes. My bosses were pleased, but personally, I'm dissatisfied. There are times when, even at Scandal Sheets Weekly, I'm supposed to use nuance and add some different colors in small amounts. But with these new Broad Brushes, I can't do that. They're too big and cover too much. No matter how satisfying it feels to paint people, in my work, with the Broad Brushes, it's always too much, always too far.

                        My bosses, as I said, were thrilled, but the person I did my first painting-article about was so livid that the next thing I know, I'm slapped with a libel suit. All because my work was so overbroad and missed the little things that would have justified his actions.

                        He's suing me, so I'm suing you. He wants ten million from me because of the way I portrayed him, so I want twenty million from you. And if you don't get it, I can call on the company's lawyers to fight for me! I can destroy your business, especially once I get to making a painting-article about you! How would you like to be the victim of your own Broad Brushes? I can do that! And I can get my co-workers to run their mouths, typewriters, sculptures . . . we can turn you into a scandal that the public hates before tomorrow's early edition! So satisfy me, or else.

                        Bitterly yours,

                        Mrs. Polly Macist.
                        Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

                        Comment


                        • Dear Mrs. Macist,

                          If you want a lawsuit against us, contact our lawyer. Hopefully, we can all come to a suitable agreement.

                          Sincerely,

                          Juan Somepeace



                          Dear Shoe Store Manager,

                          I came to buy some new shoes and was offended to see a man working in the women's shoe section. Worse, he had long hair and men should have short hair.
                          When I got to the checkout, an overweight lady with short hair rang up my purchase. Women should be thin and have long hair.
                          I demand the woman be told to lose weight and grow her hair. Until she does, she should be transferred to the stock room where no one can look at her. I also want the man to cut his hair and be transferred to the men's shoe section. If you don't do what I want, I will burn down your store.

                          Sincerely,

                          Mrs. Oldschool
                          Last edited by purplecat41877; 05-03-2021, 10:01 PM.
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                          • ((God, been away from this forum WAY to long....forgot how fun these were!!!!))

                            Dear Mrs. Oldfashioned,

                            As you have just openly mocked both of our hardest working employees who practically run the store we refuse to fire them on your petty behavior. We have hopes that Sarah will lose the weight that shes trying so hard to do, but we won't keep her out of the public eye when she works harder than most "thin" people who think the world owes them something.

                            Sincerely,
                            Nick O'lace

                            --------------------------------

                            Dear Dragons Den Design,

                            I'd heard RAVE reviews from all my friends about your new shop that just opened and was even told about the PERFECT location that you'd found for it. However I was EXTREMELY disappointed with how hard it was to locate....first the parking lot was abysmal (who opens a business in the middle of a forest?), then the HIKE to get there (seriously? 3 miles from the flattest bit of land I could find and no clear path).

                            When I finally arrived, I found the entrance to be a LITERAL cave!!!! Poorly lit (torches? Really?!), smelled horrible (rotten eggs? trash? dead bodies?), and the floor was covered in mud and filth!!! When I called out for ANY employee (all probably slacking off in the back smoking....there was a rather strong smell of smoke....) all I heard was a deep guttural growl and a demand to know what I was doing there!!!

                            I've NEVER been so insulted in my life!!! I told that RUDE employee I knew the owner PERSONALLY!!!! and would have his sorry ass fired!!!! he even had the GALL to blow a load of smoke in my face!!! I have ASTHMA he could have KILLED ME!!!!! I turned to leave trying to remain indignant and slipped on that dirty muddy floor and ruined a pair of $1500 slacks, and my brand new $3000 shoes!!!

                            I demand you fire that rude employee, replace my clothing, pay to repair my car's suspension for the HORRIBLE parking lot and driveway, AND give me and my friends free new games the MOMENT they arrive!!!

                            If you don't I'm gonna sue you and get you to shut down FOREVER!!!!

                            Sincerely,
                            Karyn Gobber
                            It is by snark alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of the coffee bean that thoughts acquire 'tude, the lips acquire mouthiness, the glares become a warning.

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                            • OOC: Welcome back.

                              BIC:

                              Dear Miss Gobber,

                              We design dens for dragons, and have no interest in working with or being found by arrogant humans. If you bother our poor employee again, he will be permitted to take the appropriate actions. Let's just say if you darken our cave again, you will be fired as a customer.

                              Hugs and kisses,

                              Tina Mat,
                              Manager of Dragons Den Design, Chromatic.

                              __________________________________________________ _________________

                              Dear The Management Company,

                              I am the Dungeon Master in a Lark game, but the game become so complex, with so many non-player characters and so many stories and situations going on that my players, the npcs, and I all felt it was like being part of Last of the Summer Wine. It all just got too much to manage my campaign on my own, so I hired your company to send me a campaign manager.

                              And they did. Mr. Paul Itical was really good, at first, but he was distinctly biased. The magic-users all quit coming as it was clear he strongly preferred the barbarian, fighter, ranger, paladin, monk, and rogue. The druid and the cleric eventually quit coming to the game at all because of him, forcing us to rely on our bard as our healer. Our wizard and sorcerer plotted against him together so viciously I had to declare their alignment change!

                              At first, he did the game a world of good. He began to advertise the game, giving me quite an influx of new players. It's just that they were all strongly encouraged to be warrior classes, so we had no one taking up the cleric or druid roles, so we didn't have any healers except for our bard. One girl wanted to be a druid, but he claimed she was secretly from the opposition party coming to register as one of my party. He didn't prove it, I just believed him and told her to leave. She did. Then one of my barbarians left, saying that was his girlfriend and my campaign manager had just dashed her hopes to begin sharing special time with him. So he quit too. Imagine that, walking out of the Lark game over a girl. Can you imagine?

                              What he was most effective at was raising funds. I must admit, I made enough money with his help that not only was I able to pay your entire bill for his services, but I could quit my job and run this game full time! But the players began grumbling and griping. It turns out, the reason I was getting rich was because the players thought they were being bilked. Paul charged them an entrance fee for our weekly pizza night, which we never did before.

                              And soon, the wife of one of the players came up to me, with a chain wrapped around her husband's wallet. She screamed at me, telling me that it was wrong that Paul had changed the rules with my approval, so that if players wanted treasure, wanted better weapons, wanted to level up, wanted experience points, wanted anything at all, they now had to pay me for access to me so they could ask for it. The woman screamed so loudly I offered to make her the banshee, but she just told me that I was not permitted under the by-laws of Lark, which she claimed to have read, to charge players money merely for getting what was naturally their right by the rules of the game. She told me she'd forbidden her husband from spending another dime, and that she'd make him quit entirely if I didn't stop the gouging!

                              So I went to Paul and asked him why the players were unhappy, and he returned with polls saying that it was outsiders from the other party trying to infiltrate my game and undermine my authority. So I started questioning the players and kicked a few out for disagreeing with me and Paul. Paul told me to kick out that woman’s husband, so I did. And when he left, just about everyone else did too.

                              Now no one will play in my campaign because the magic-users Paul kicked out formed a third-party and a lot of my players left my game to join them, Paul has moved on to a new assignment, and my entire income has dried up! What am I supposed to do here?

                              What I'll do is sue you for ruining my game! You're supposed to be The Management Company, not the game-ruiner's association! Give me a million dollars, and a job, as well as all my players back, or else I'll go straight to the papers and to the lawyers! After all, my original team of players and I met Tina Mat, and she loves to go around and burn human businesses to the ground with her breath. So it's best to just give me what I want.

                              Signed,
                              Mr. Paytu Play.
                              Last edited by Kristev; 05-25-2021, 01:24 AM.
                              Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

                              Comment


                              • Dear Mr. Play,

                                When you do business with someone, you get charged a fee. If you want to sue, see you in court.

                                Sincerely,

                                G. Ameplayer
                                Manager



                                Dear Supermarket Manager,

                                I came into the store at 6 AM to get a 12 pack of beer. When I got to the checkout, the rude checker had the nerve to tell me that the store couldn't sell beer until 8 AM. I was steamed so I went to grab another 12 pack and walked out of the store with the two 12 packs without paying. I demand you fire the rude employee, allow me to get beer anytime I want or I will take as much beer as I want and not pay for it.

                                Sincerely,

                                Earl E. Drinker
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