The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Noid,

Ever heard of exaggeration? Enclosed is the definition.

Sincerely,

Rita Book
Manager



Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off suspending me? All I did was publish the school bully's report card in the school newspaper. I demand you lift the suspension immediately. If you don't, I will write a report that you used to shoplift as a teenager and publish it on Facebook.

Sincerely,

Wanda Bea Reporter

[catcul]

Dear Miss Reporter,

We will deal with the bully our way. As for publishing his report card, that is a violation of federal laws. Also, since I was never charged with shoplifting, you could be suspended or expelled for libel, which is also a violation of the law.

Sincerely,

Principal Principle

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Dear Paper Trail Book Store,

My wife, Cousen Annie Rection, decided that we needed to shop at your book store.

We were looking in the adult fiction section when we heard over the PA system, "S&M to strip. S&M to strip."

Cousen decided that the announcement was referring to me, since we were beginning our journey into BDSM. As I was taking off my shirt, Officer Johnson showed up and asked me what I was doing. I told him about the announcement, and he told me that that is not what you meant. When Officer Johnson was able to get a hold of a manager, the manager told us that the announcement wasn't meant for us. That's when Officer Johnson told us that we should probably go home before I strip.

I believe that you need to retrain your staff and managers before they use the PA system again.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Rection,

Thanks for bringing this to our attention. We are working on fixing this as we speak.

Sincerely,

Megan Itright
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off removing the self checkouts? I've been using them in order to shoplift. I demand you reinstall the self checkouts at once. If you don't, I will start smoking in the store.

Sincerely,

Anita Steel

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Steel,

I see you've learned nothing from the arrest of your husband, Will Steel. He's the very reason we got rid of the self-checkouts. If you smoke in our building, we'll use our fire extinguisher to stop you. You are banned.

Sincerely,

Artie Choke-Onitt,

Manager.

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Dear Sarah Micks Art & Whimsy Store,

Your store, in addition to being a world-class art supply shop, runs classes on art after hours. My wife enrolled my son into your class a few weeks back, thinking it'd be a good thing to keep him off the streets by filling up his afternoon with classes.

But then my son decides to drop the athletics I've enrolled him in, claiming he's not any good at them anyway and prefers art classes. I'm furious, but my wife tells me that she's seen how badly he's treated by his teammates and so if I won't let him leave the sports teams, she will.

Only now it's turned around to bite us in the you know where, because I caught my son talking to his younger brother, who is content to remain on his sports teams, that he means to make and sell pots. Pot! I asked him where he learned about pots and he said from you. Then he said something about making a sculpture about his favorite heroine . . . Heroin! Miss Micks, what kind of woman are you? Teaching children about drugs? Somebody needs to do something about you!

I'm going to go straight to the police, after I get out my good old retired baseball bat and bash you and every single piece of sculpture in your store! Then I'll use your own paints and markers to write on you, and all your walls, that you're teaching kids about drugs!

Signed,

Mr. G. U. Esswrong.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Esswrong,

The pots being mentioned are the kind you cook with or put things in and a heroine is a female hero. I've already reported you to the police for threating me.

Sincerely,

Sarah Micks
Owner



Dear Coffee Shop Manager,

Where do you get off being out of mocha? Don't you realize it's illegal to be out of things? I was steamed so I threw a coffee mug at your barista and stormed out. I demand you keep all required items stocked at all times, like my mocha, or I will throw all of your ceramics all over the floor.

Sincerely,

Moe Cha

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Moe Cha,

Sometimes we are out of things, and it is beyond our control. Regarding the mocha, along with the sugar and the creamer, our delivery lorry could not make it to the store due to the ten inches of snow that fell a few days ago. We manage to stay open only cuz my wife and myself live above the shop, and most people are nothing but grateful. You however will not be returning to the coffee shop, as you are now barred. Have a nice day.

Yours sincerely,

Mr C. O. Fee.

~~~

Dear Mall Manager,

I am beyond disgusted at your staff for calling security and having me thrown out of the mall for doing nothing except breastfeeding my child. He is ten years old, and was acting out, so I decided to sit on a bench and give him some milk to calm him down. I stripped off all my clothes, cuz I feel the most comfortable doing so while feeding, so I really don't know why everyone felt they had to complain. Nudity and breastfeeding are perfectly natural, after all. If you do not send me a massive gift voucher to compensate for my distress, I will get all my friends to boycott your store and will personally go to the media.

Yours,

Ms Rainbow Granola.

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Granola,

Defecation is also perfectly natural. Would you like me to do that on your kitchen table? I didn't think so. Nudity is against the law.

A ten-year-old child is much too old to breastfeed. Since you were thrown out at 11:30 AM on Wednesday, I have to ask, why wasn't he in school? Truancy is also against the law.

Your letter and our report have been forwarded to the police. Expect a visit from them soon.

Regards,
O. Bey-Laws, manager,
City Mall

* * *

Deer poleece sargent,

How dare you put me in prizon? I have a lawfool rite to expres myself! I was jest spray painting swostickas on my dam naybors house. Well, he dusurves it, the dam librul commeynist! And next think I know, the poleece are aresting me!

I no my rites! Ok, I never red them, but I no I have them! I demand you releese me and bull dose my naybors house! Rites are only for Amerikkkans!

Sinseerly,
Ray Cist-Jerk

[mjr]

Dear Mr. Cist-Jerk:

First, you committed at least two crimes. One is vandalism, the other is trespassing. Racism is not illegal, but you painted the Swastikas backward, too, you moron. You have failed us as Americans. Your arrest stands, and I hope your conviction is swift and severe. You cannot commit crimes because you disagree with someone's political stance.

Sincerely,

Captain Friendly,

Local PD

----------------------

Dear Adult Toy and Movie Store:

What sort of scam are you running!?!? Based on the name of your establishment, I thought you were an art gallery! I went in, and there were a lot of disgusting, horrible things there!

Why do you have these horrible, disgusting movies? I don't understand why a movie about entering a woman's house through her back door has do do with a skimpy outfit and a rider's crop! Is that some sort of Avant Garde thing I don't understand?

You even had a movie called "Trampoline Tramps"! At first I thought it was about clowns jumping on trampolines. Boy was I wrong! Another was called "Festive Facials"! I thought it was a movie about having fun doing makeup! I was VERY wrong...

I took a closer look at one, and I was even more disgusted because the people were having sex!! What sort of strange movie is that?!?! Sex should be done in private, missionary style only, under the covers, in a marital bed! Any other way is disgusting!

But I am now traumatized because I went into your store thinking it was an art gallery! I demand you bulldoze your facility, pay me a billion dollars, and burn all the disgusting paraphernalia in your store!

If you don't, I will sneak into your facility and replace all of those disgusting movies with documentaries and Disney movies. Then I will steal all of the disgusting paraphernalia, set it all on fire, gather up the ashes, and bury them!

With No Respect,

A. Pearl Clutcher

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Clutcher,

I don't know how you thought we were an art gallery since our sign says we're a romance shop. We help couples with their romantic relations. Not everyone enjoys straight vanilla sex. Some people enjoy sex that is not the missionary position. We cater to every adult.

Since we are open 24/7, it will be difficult to sneak in and steal all of our movies. If you try, we will have you prosecuted.

Sincerely,

Heidi Flynt, owner, Cupid Eros Romance Shop

-----

Dear Dominant Females Society of America,

I have an issue with an article on your website.

The article suggests that I have my partner lick my . I went down to the animal shelter and adopted two kittens. When I got home, I had my husband, Hugh G. Rection, lick the kittens. The kittens enjoyed it, but I didn't feel a thing.

Are we doing something wrong?

Sincerely,

Cousen Annie Rection

[mjr]

Ms. Rection:

YES, you are indeed doing something wrong! Did your partner look at you strangely when you asked him to lick kittens? There's probably a reason for that. And there's a reason you didn't feel anything.

When the article said to have your partner lick your , it didn't mean a feline that belonged to you! There are other meanings of the word , one of which is a slang term for female genetalia...maybe try that.

Sincerely,

Slang N. Former
Website Editor
Dominant Females Society of America

------

Dear Gears -N- Stuff Auto Parts:

How dare you hire a WOMAN! What do women know about auto parts and cars anyway? I went into your auto parts store the other day because I needed a part for my car. Like a real man I do my own auto repairs. Men who don't are wusses!

I saw a WOMAN employee in Gears -N- Stuff giving advice to people about cars! She should be at home tending to her house! Not trying to help men with something she should have no business doing! Barefoot and Pregnant, I say!

I was so disgusted I had to go to Parts-N-More down the street!

I demand you fire that woman immediately! She's a woman, she obviously can't know about cars!

If you don't, I will tell everyone in town that you give out bad auto parts advice, and you will go out of business!

Crazily,

M. Isogynist

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Isogynist,

We are all women here at this auto parts store. And you know why? Because we decided that we were tired of people like you looking down on us. Of course, we do have a man on the staff. Our receptionist.

As for cars, each of us women is a specialist in cars, some of us even college graduates in mechanical device-oriented areas.

And by the way, we're making so much money here that we've entered negotiations to buy Parts-N-More and add it to our chain!

We won't give you anything but a ban - and a free subscription, on us, to Riveting Rosie's. We're not afraid of you. We've fought our way up here, and you're not dragging us back! So why don't you go home and be barefoot and tend to your children for a change?

Signed,

Ms. Camille Shaft & Ms. Billie T. Steel,

Co-managers,

Gears -N- Stuff Auto Parts.

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Dear Seer's Appliance & Outdoor partial department store,

I went to your business, and at first, I was pleased as punch. Not only did your helpful employees already anticipate my every need, and question, they had exactly what I wanted to buy ready and waiting for me. I didn't even need to give them my address for the delivery of my new refrigerator unit, only be there when they arrived.
And they arrived with the delivery at the exact minute they said they'd come!

But they also told me that I should forget about committing return fraud, because I'd be discovered and no good would come of it, at least not for me. How dare they?

Well, I had not only purchased my new refrigerator, I also purchased a The Craft tool kit for my boyfriend. It was brand new and in perfect condition, as where his tools from Harbor Fright and had a tendency to break or warp after a few uses. So I gladly bought him the The Craft tool kit at Seers, and he was delighted . . . until he saw the bill. Naturally, I returned the tools to get my money back.
But your girl at customer service, Cassandra, told me without even looking that I was trying to scam her by returning tools Seers didn't even sell, and that they were shoddy out of the gate.
I protested and before I could call for a manager, she picked up the phone and a manager appeared on the spot before she could finish dailing, as if he knew Cassandra was going to call.

They took my tools and opened them, revealing them to be Harbor Fright. I refused to yield their point, and attempted to smack the manager with a warped wrench. Before I could draw it, Cassandra hit a button and down I fell through a false floor into a snake pit.

It turned out they were non-venomous, tiny snakes that wanted nothing to do with me and couldn't hurt me if they wanted to, but I had to actually find my own way out!

Now I'm suing for emotional distress, pain and suffering, and all the store credit my boyfriend and I could ever want, even up to half your store. I could use a new microwave to replace the one I used to dry out my soaked tin foil hat . . .

If you refuse, I'm going to come into your store and hide snakes in the boxes of every single piece of merchandise you sell. Only these snakes are going to be the poisonous, nasty kind! I'm sure you people can just imagine what'll happen to your precious store then!

Angrily yours,

Miss Honorisa Virtue Ilack.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Ilack,

We only accept returns for items that we sell. If you follow through on your threat, we'll have you arrested.

Sincerely,

A. P. Pliance
Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring me? All I did was show up at the interview with no clothes on. I demand you hire me and allow me to work without clothes all I want. If you don't, I will sue the store for discriminating against those who don't want to wear clothes.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Natural

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Natural,

I'm afraid that nudity is against the law. The health department will not let us have any nude people in our store. If you want a job, I suggest putting on clothes.

Sincerely,

Gene Bartlett, The Happy Pear Grocery Store

-----

Dear Happy Pear Grocery Store,

I was at your store when I saw her. A woman walked out of your store, naked as a jaybird.

I know what you're up to. You're letting naked people walk in your store. You're trying to turn our youth into a generation of perverts. I will find irrefutable proof of your evil intent. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

P.S.: Quit using my good name to advance your perverted agenda.

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Noid,

For once, you're right. You have every right to be disgusted, as were we, because that wasn't a grocery store . . .

But as I've already explained to you, other things are allowed to have the name of pear because it's spelled differently than your name is, and a name isn't something you can really own. However, thanks to you sending your newest letter, we've been able to find you. Your new girlfriend is Nurse Y's sister. Oh, you didn't know? Well, by the time you get this letter, you'll understand. And welcome back home.

Sincerely,

Your old friend and therapist at the asylum you keep escaping from, Dr. X.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ring-Side T. V.,

I was invited to participate on one of your television shows the other, day, "It's All Your Fault!" Well, naturally I assumed it was my great audition so I looked my best, though I didn't want the show beforehand so I would be surprised and could act completely natural.

Well, everything seemed great until after I was all dolled up and make beautiful by your makeup girl. Then I came out to wait backstage, and saw the contestant before me.

"Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to our next contestant, Miss Ann Safe-Wheeler!" As the crowd cheered, a beautiful young woman finally put away her cell phone and came up to the stage. But after being interviewed, she was asked, "Miss Safe-Wheeler, do you know why you're on this show today?"
"No," she replied.
"Because of this!" the host cheerfully added. Then he pulled back a curtain to review a video taken by someone on the street. "As you can see, Miss Safe-Wheeler was using her car, and her cell phone, at the same time!"
And then there's a crash on the video - a car crash into a lamppost, that is. She gets out of the car, in the video, and calls her parents.
"Daddy, I just crashed the Mercedes . . ."
Miss Safe-Wheeler looks shocked, and the host turns to the audience chipperly.
"Well, everybody, what do you think? Is she innocent and thus given a million dollars, or is she to blame for the car crash?"
Rising to their feet, almost everyone in the audience points at Miss Ann Safe-Wheeler and shouted, "It's all your fault!"
And she runs from the stage, crying, the loser of the game.

So your host, Mr. X. Posure, calls me up next. I walk out, far, far more confidently. I have my interview and I am determined to charm the audience. I schmooze, and make the audience love me. Even Mr. Posure seems to be on my side, rooting for me.
"So do you want to confess and take your chances with the audience forgiving you and accepting one thousand dollars, or do you want to take your chances with the video and let the audience see your big misdeed for themselves so they can judge you? Remember, if the audience votes to exonerate you, you get a million dollars. But if they vote against you, all you get is to be told "It's All Your Fault!".
I gladly challenge the audience by choosing the video.

Here's where things go badly for me. At The Only Store In Town Supercenter, corporate demanded, and the manager gleefully obeyed, with the rearrangement of a store display of bottled Christmas wine to look like a Christmas tree. They even put up lights around the wine tree, and tinsel and garlands and fake presents.
Well, some sickening little an hourly employee comes up to the manager after his lunch break is over as the manager's doing this.
"Sir, we shouldn't have wine stacked this way. It's going to fall over especially if it becomes unbalanced . . ." the employee warned.
"You shut up and do your work!" the manager barked. "You're our only cashier for our busy rush. The other managers and I are far too busy doing what corporate demanded of us to pay attention to the likes of you and the other three or four people working here."
He dismissed the worker, who returned to the cash registers. Later, the cashier caught the janitor and asked her to put up a sign begging people not to leave the tree unbalanced, and certainly not to take the cornerstone bottles down at the bottom.
Well, the janitor put up the sign. That's when the video shows me coming in.


Now, I admit, I went through a bad experience where wine fell all over me and I demanded the employees be punished, because I got cut up and soaked, at the Only Store In Town Supercenter. The manager gave me everything under the moon, and, of course, fired the janitor and the cashier for allowing an unsafe display, while I got gift cards up the wazoo.


But the cashier had had the good sense to set up a hidden cellphone camera where the tree was going to be and kept it recording. So it caught everything from the corporate parasite's edict to the part I protest about! He must have altered and edited that footage because it shows me reaching under the wooden board that was used to keep the false presents on and grabbing two bottles of wine from the floor. It shows me pushing the sign not to snatch bottles from the bottom because they're the cornerstones and essential to keeping the whole display up off to the side so I can grab two bottles right from the bottom!

Then the wine falls down all over me, getting me cut, making a glassy and winey mess everywhere! And I go crying to the manager. The more I claim innocence and to be a victim, blaming it all on the staff, the more the manager saves himself by turning the blame onto the cashier and the janitor. The last shots are me walking out with half the store in my cart, for free, and of the cashier taking the phone he had hidden and recorded all of this on.
"I'll have my revenge on you both by sending this video straight to "It's All Your Fault!" he vows, and the video ends.


"And he did just that, with us giving him a bundle of money that'll more than make up for the loss of his job. Well, everybody, it's clear. While the airheads in corporate and management put the wine in a very dangerous place, a sign was put up by the more sensible underlings. And she saw the sign. Otherwise, it couldn't have been pushed out of her way.
"So has she defrauded the store by demanding two innocent people's jobs and walking out with half the store for free, or should corporate take the blame?"

After the audience debated, with the thirty-second timer ticking, I did my best to look innocent and beautiful. Finally a woman stood up.
"She knew what would happen if she took those bottles of wine from the bottom and she did it anyway. Then she got the store's spineless manager to give her virtually everything. The only thing she should get from us is condemned!"
And with that, the audience all stood up, pointed at me, and shouted "It's all your fault!"
So Mr. X. Posure tells me that he is sorry, but I am to blame for what I did and that he must send me off as an even bigger loser than Miss Safe-Wheeler because the audience decided against me.

Well, I am absolutely furious! I am agog! I am aghast! Not only was I not given the grand prize, but no one in Hollywood has responded to my calls. I've called every single studio in regards to my big debut, and they all turned me down as if I had the plague!

So, Ring-Side T. V., if you don't give me the big prize, the million dollars, and make me a movie star, I will come into your own studios and make my own movies, erasing every roll of film you have and replacing them of me!

Signed,

Miss Grabby Handz.

[mjr]

I don't have a response, except to say that I think "It's All Your Fault" is a brilliant idea for a show...

;-)