I can't deal with this any more...

[Racket_Man]

Admitting that you have a problem is the first step to solving it. You are smart enough to know that actions like his are not right. That puts you miles ahead of your Dad. You can do something about it, while he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem. Don't fear it. Fear is what will keep you from getting therapy IF you need it. Embrace it. Understand it. Control it. Kind of like the saying "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

THIS ^^^^^^^. I vowed to NOT do what my parents did to me (very complicated situation with much older siblings and all the problems that presented even with them). I had different parents (same Mother and Father but very different to me compared with my older siblings) than my siblings had mostly because I ruined their empty nest plans (near menopause OPPPPSSSSS baby). There were many things that they did to me that I SILL am dealing with even to this day.

When Ex and I had our daughter we both vowed to be the best we could and not repeat the "mistakes" of our upbringing. And for the most part we were successful though DD had problems that stemmed from EX having her appendix out at 11 weeks pregnant.

YES as long as you know there are things there and can give them a name if you will, you have a good chance to succeed. You will NOT be prefect. No one is. You will make mistakes but learn and grow and, if you will, mature past your past ghosts.

[EricKei]

Instead, he's tried to have mail misdirected or delayed outright. It can't be proven, but it wouldn't surprise me.

Given that there is now a clue as to where he might be, maybe someone from the law office on mom's side could look into this, hire a PI to track him down, etc...? Messing with the mail is a Federal offense.

I actually fear that I'll become the monster that my dad was.

The fact that you're worried about the possibility suggests that you are, and will, do everything in your power to prevent such an outcome. That speaks massively in favor of you...and that's what's important. YOU get to decide where you go from here, not him.

[Talon]

I actually fear that I'll become the monster that my dad was.

There's a great dialogue from Dragon Age: Origins. Goes something like this: "Evil people never worry that they might be evil." Something like that, but you get the idea.

[EricKei]

Dammit Talon. Where did we put that +1 button?

[protege]

Thanks for the support you guys

Part of the problem...is that the bastard pretty much "broke" me. Little wonder that my mind is so fucked up now. Even though I can count on my mom and the rest of the family (including teh kittehs), trying to undo nearly 40 years of damage is difficult. Some days, I just want to shut myself off from the world. I don't understand what the bastard did or why. I do know that the cycle of shit stops here.

As for knowing where he is, I have a rough idea. Not a physical address, but a P.O. box. Yep, my dad was too chickenshit to reveal where he was living. At least my mom could change the address on any joint accounts (technically, since he was still listed, he could legally change the address to his) before any real damage was done. Once things settle, and I get my hands on his street address...

Right now, we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The final details are still in the middle of being settled, and we're nervous as hell. Nervous that he could still screw our mother out of her home. Granted if that happens, he'll then have 3 very angry, Irish sons to deal with.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I know he's treated you badly, but it still hurts because of what you've lost: a good dad.

Objection. You can't lose something you never had.

[Ree]

Your father is an asshole. You aren't.
Reading about him makes me want to choke the everlasting shit out of him and kick him in the jewels so hard that they come out his throat and he chokes on them.

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to get so violent.
It just angers me that the bastard has hurt you so badly and trashed your self esteem and made you question your value as a person.

Major hugs.

[protege]

Your father is an asshole. You aren't.

Thanks Ree, I appreciate that

Reading about him makes me want to choke the everlasting shit out of him and kick him in the jewels so hard that they come out his throat and he chokes on them.

Huge problem with that. It would require him to actually *have* jewels. No, those cubic zirconium items have taken up permanent residence in his half-sister's purse

It just angers me that the bastard has hurt you so badly and trashed your self esteem and made you question your value as a person.

I've been trying to deal with that. Undoing 40 years of damage is difficult. As much as I'd like to strangle him, I have to play nice until the paperwork is signed. He'll get his...it's only a matter of time.

[Android Kaeli]

I've read through your posts on this whole ordeal but need to correct Ree on one simple matter: assholes are useful, your father is not therefore he is not an asshole. He is something far, far worse, hell I don't think you need to be referring to him as "father" or even "dad". No father would do something like this to their children no matter what age they are at.

[protege]

He's....something alright. Until the paperwork gets signed, he's become the punchline to every joke that could possibly exist about cheap bastards. He's currently being blamed for everything that breaks--no matter how minor--at my mom's right now.

But the problem I'm having the most trouble with? The simple fact that my dad not only thinks his kids are losers...but also wants nothing to do with us.

I do know that he'll get his. If there is a hearing about the divorce...all of his nasty little secrets are going to come out. Most of this stuff--things he's said, the abuse--all of that crap, will be revealed at the proper time. Karma's a bitch, and it's going to boot him in the cubic zirconium

[protege]

As of now, I haven't heard from him since Christmas. He's pretty much disappeared, and settled in with his "girlfriend" well north of the city.

Dad's pretty much come unhinged. Up until now, if I did hear from him, it was always an awkward text or Facebook comment. Now he's spending his time watching Fox News (take the comments over to Fratching, OK?) and reposting nearly every anti-Hillary meme or item he can find. Granted, I don't like her either, but it's bordering on some sort of twisted obsession. When he's not doing that, he's "liking" and commenting on whatever I post.

The only reason I'm still friends with him on FB, is so I can keep tabs on what he's up to. Yeah, I know that I should drop him off my list. But, I don't trust him. I don't want to drop him, and inadvertently give him more ammo against my mom. He's already blaming her for everything that's happened, and I'm not about to give him some "justification" to punish her. Remember, the divorce papers haven't been filed yet. When that happens, all bets are off

The other odd thing that went down, is he and my brother D met up for a beer before we went on vacation. Both of my brothers and I are struggling right now. Money is tight, but they're getting hit hard. They still have school loans to deal with. While he was out, D asked him if he could borrow some cash to help with the school loans. He wasn't asking for a lot, just a bit to get ahead. Dad's reaction? "I can't afford that."

Seriously? He's sitting on quarter-million nest egg. He has no bills at all, other than his car insurance. He's living with his "girlfriend" and doesn't pay rent. The very least he could do would be to pry open his wallet and help out his kids. But that would be asking too much.

[protege]

Yesterday was supposed to be the "fuck off, asshole" deadline. Mom had given him 2 weeks to get his shit together and come to terms. Today, I get a call saying that she'd heard from her lawyer...and things aren't going well.

Seems he's not content with simply leaving my mother and agreeing to her list. No, he wants to destroy her instead...so he filed a counteroffer. His offer is leaves her with pretty much nothing. The house would have to be sold to pay off the home equity loan, split the remains, which wouldn't leave her much to live on. She'd be pretty much homeless. Mom is in her late 60s, retired, and even with her pension, wouldn't be able to afford a new place.

Naturally, she's pissed and isn't going to settle for that. Problem is, that if it goes to court...she cannot afford it to drag out for long. Dad's hoping she'll cave to his demands, even though she'll be SOL in the long run. She's already struggling as it is with car payments, loan payments, and all the household bills. Right now, that bastard has no bills...other than car insurance.

It's not right that he's trying to make her suffer...and there's not a damn thing I can do about it