Roommmates are FUN! (Or, "What Did I Do to Deserve This?")

[Jester]

Update (or, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished)

So before I left for Phoenix, MM was supposed to have $500 on the table for me, minimum. For the month, he had so far gotten me $250 of the approximate $800 which was his minimum to get me (rent plus bills). When it was not on the table Saturday morning as it should have been had he put it there Friday night, I started to get annoyed. I had a lot of shit to do, and was driving out of Key West up to Fort Lauderdale late Saturday night to make my stupidly early Sunday morning flight.

So, knowing where he was playing Saturday night, I went to pay him a visit. He apologized, yada yada, handed me $30 ("Are you fucking serious?!?!?"), and swore up and down he would get $800 the next day to my friend Frank to put in my bank account, as we had arranged. And he would put even more money that he owed me in said account while I was away.

Anyone want to guess how much money he got into my account while I was on vacation? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Well, if you guessed one cent more than "not a fucking cent," you would be wrong. So, while my vacation absolutely rocked, I definitely built up a good head of steam on my way back to town. So much so that I was livid when I got back here last Monday night, and my friend Little Red had to take me out to dinner and for some drinks to calm me down.

Needless to say I tore MM a new asshole, explained to him that the only reason my knives were not already sticking out of him was because I didn't want to go to jail for his dumb ass, and told him "You need to clean that fucking room, because I am going to have people who are actually going to pay rent coming to look at it, and that is disgusting. You can be a pig when you pay rent. When you don't, you need to fucking clean it." The very next day I woke his ass up and marched him down to the complex's front office so that HE could explain to them exactly why it was that I did not have the full rent for them at that time. I did tell them that MM would be departing, and I would be busting my ass to come up with the difference. Luckily for me and my other roommate, I have a good reputation and rapport with the folks in the front office.

Several days later, not much cleaning action on his part. Now, you may ask why I did not immediately throw him into the street. Why? I wanted a few things from him. I wanted him to clean the room--which he didn't. Not a surprise there. I also wanted to draw up an I.O.U. type document and have him sign it, and have it notarized, so if/when I take the dipshit to court, he has not a leg to stand on. Which is just what I did. Not only did he not refuse to sign it (I probably would have), he actually reached over to add the amount of the cost of the notary to it after it had been notarized. Um, no, you can't change it after the fact, though I appreciate your gesture at increasing the amount you admit to owing me, even though you have made no effort to actually pay it. Thanks, but I am going to keep a separate tally for any other expenses may come along, like that Gatorade you fucking stole from me the other day (five bottles, thank you very much); I just want an official record of the larger amount.

So, with document in hand, I enlisted the help of my friend Photo Dude, who came over yesterday (we were later joined by his girlfriend) for a fun day of drinking beer, eating pizza, playing Monopoly and Jenga.....and tossing Music Man out on his ass.

I started by walking into his room where he was still asleep in this fucking pigsty (my room is not neat by any stretch, but it is not disgustingly filthy either), with a big old stock pot and a metal can opener, and beating the pot like a ridiculously loud drum to wake his ass up. (I would have used an air horn, which would have been hilariously fun, but I did not want to wake up my good roommate, Mr. Anti-Social, who is very nocturnal.) "Wake up, dude! We need to talk!"

Did I mention that I had not told MM that this was going to be the day he was leaving up this point? No? Well, I didn't. He knew it was coming, certainly, he just didn't know when.

So once he was finally awake, he came into the living room where PD and I are lounging, drinking beer. "Dude, what happened to the five bottles of Gatorade that were on the fridge?" He took them, of course. Said he would replace them that very night. He didn't, of course. Also promised me $100 that very night. I have yet to see it. "That's all well and good, pal, but today is Moving Day. We can no longer trust you, as you have proven yourself to not only be a deadbeat, but a thief as well." Before the Gatorade, various bottles of juice and beer would disappear, either not to be replaced or to be replaced by something far inferior. Also, someone stole $300 off of Mr. Anti-Social's desk a while back. MM claims it was one of his dirtbag friends who has since left town, but I am starting to wonder if maybe it was MM himself....and I voiced that very suspicion to him.

"Because of this, and the fact that you have clearly made no effort to get me any damn money, AND the fact that you have had a fucking week to clean that room and have not done so, you are leaving. Today. Give me your key. Get out."

He wondered if he had till midnight last night, as he had a gig at 8:30. Well, if you have a gig at 8:30, doesn't really matter if I give you till 8 or midnight, does it? No? Didn't think so.

So, he made some show of packing up shit. And eventually (during the third game of Monopoly, when PD's girlfriend was kicking both our asses....again) MM left for his gig. Leaving behind boxes of stuff, like DVD's, clothes, a guitar, etc. Said he would be back later that night or this morning to finish up. Asked if he could stay one more night here. "Absolutely NOT."

So, here we are today. Though I got his key, I still got the locks changed, as I am not taking chances. I have his signed I.O.U. I have a disgusting room I am going to have spend the week cleaning, and trying to sell off some of the stuff. I am going to be making a posting on Craigslist for some of the nicer stuff, including a car bass speaker he gave me (I told him that whatever I get it for it, good or bad, is the amount coming off his debt to me), a guitar, DVD's, an amp, etc.

And in the room are various things we've been missing. Pots and pans and dishes he swore up and down he didn't have. This place is disgusting. So I am pulling my hair out today not dealing with it, and then the rest of the week is going to be me working at The Bar during the day and gloving up and getting grossed out cleaning his shit at night. Fun. Fucking. Shit.

Good news is I think I have already found a new roommate, a workaholic in his late 30's that seems to fit right into the idea of "party at the bars, come home to a quiet place" that Mr. Anti-Social and I subscribe to. He has no problem with the idea of a one month's rent deposit (which I am insisting on from any new roommate), and as long as he passes the criminal background check that the complex is running on him, he should be ready to move in later this month, once he's finished a project he's working on and I've finished fumigating the room.

Once I've dealt with the room, I will look into the possibility of taking Music Man to court. He pointed out to me when I raised the idea that he has no major assets. I pointed out to him that that doesn't matter, that the court will (hopefully) mandate he make certain payments to me (or actually, to the court, and they would pay me), and if he doesn't, well, hey, he can go to fucking jail. How do ya like THAT gig, buddy boy?

I still kind of feel bad for Music Man. He is a nice kid, and I am sure he didn't mean to get this deep in debt to me. But my sympathy is limited, as he lied to me even after I told him to just communicate with me; he stole from me and Mr. Anti-Social; he strung me along; he made the room I rented him completely revolting, and now I am stuck cleaning it, because I have not heard a word from him (and I work in two hours), and frankly, nice kid or not, he owes me a stupid amount of money and has caused me a ridiculous amount of headaches.

So, yeah. I got taken. Great. Just great. And now I get to spend the week cleaning, not my own stuff in my own room (which needs a good going over, frankly), but someone else's revolting, disgusting, filthy mess.

It's a good thing I don't own a fucking gun.

[Kiwi]

And now I get to spend the week cleaning, not my own stuff in my own room (which needs a good going over, frankly), but someone else's revolting, disgusting, filthy mess.

Hire a professional to do it and then tack that on to the court case

[Jester]

I may actually have to have it professionally cleaned after I get everything out of there. There is stuff that is potentially sellable, though.

And I don't want everything being tossed, like my dishes that have been missing and what not.

An online friend of mine, when told that I tossed MM's ass yesterday, asked me, "What about the money?"

My response: "HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Yeah, right.

[One-Fang]

Sigh. A not unsurprising ending, really.

As I think virtually everyone in this thread said, you gave far too much leeway. I know you thought the kid had some good points, but take this learning opportunity and use it to become a more evil man against others in future.

MM had shown, early enough in this thread, that he never had any intention of paying you anything. If you get another like that one day, don't wait so long.

So ... his stuff ... did he sign anything saying you can have it? I can just see him suing you for selling his gear.

[Jester]

Update to the Update....

I just heard from the front office that the new roommate, who I shall call Teacher, passed the criminal background check. So I called him up.

JESTER: "Hey, Teacher....just heard back from the front office. The criminal background check brought up some murder in Oklahoma....?"
TEACHER: "Say what?"
JESTER: "Just kidding! You were approved."
TEACHER: "That's good. About the Oklahoma thing, if you can live with my murderous past, everything's good."
JESTER: "Hell, it's Oklahoma. Does anyone really care?"
TEACHER: "Hell, is Oklahoma even still a State?"
JESTER: "Barely."

Yeah, this guy is going to fit in, I think. And he is bringing me the deposit this week. Luckily, he won't even be ready to move in until next week, which is about how long I figure it will take me to clean the fucking place.


(My apologies to y'all in Oklahoma. We were just joking around, and it just happened to be the state I picked out of the blue. I may be watching too much "Saving Grace.")

[Jester]

I have given him every opportunity to get his stuff.

If after I clean the room he has still not made any effort to come get it, I will (as I pointed out in an email to him) simply assume he doesn't want it. Therefore, I shall sell it.

Trust me, I am not about to compromise my court case on such a small technicality. Besides, I have said I would deduct any sales of his gear from the debt he owes me.

Am I way too nice? Sure. But I have a clear conscience. Not everyone does.

As for the future, yeah, already getting more evil. Demanding a deposit from future roommates, no exceptions. Learning experience? You betchya. I got taken for a ride, and I admit it.

It will NOT happen again.

[Shards]

Jester, I'm not sure about Florida law, but I know for a fact that in some of the northeastern states close to where I live, anything that is left behind when someone who used to live with you moves out becomes yours if they do not make arrangements for it to be picked up within 30 days. Again, not sure what FL has to say on the subject, but if you wait a couple weeks first, you should be in the clear to sell his stuff without any issues.

[taxguykarl]

Jester, I'm not sure about Florida law, but I know for a fact that in some of the northeastern states close to where I live, anything that is left behind when someone who used to live with you moves out becomes yours if they do not make arrangements for it to be picked up within 30 days. Again, not sure what FL has to say on the subject, but if you wait a couple weeks first, you should be in the clear to sell his stuff without any issues.

Illinois has a similar law. It is the practice of the really savvy to put an ad under 'legal notices' in the local free (and worth its price) alternate weekly. Be sure to keep a diary of verbal conversations and copies of all paper and e-mails for the inevitable day in court.

[Jester]

(Semi-) Final Update.

First off, I would like to apologize. To everyone who told me that I was being too nice, that this jackass was taking advantage of me, that this was only going to get worse, and that he was using me, I am sorry, and YOU WERE RIGHT! I admit it now. I got hosed, and y'all called it. My bad.

When last we left off, I was about to start cleaning out Music Man's Deadbeat's room. At that point, I had no idea what horrors awaited me. But I gloved up and dove in there. to start hauling shit out.

Now I have to be honest with you folks. I am not a "Clean Freak." My room is often (and currently) messy, with dirty laundry strewn about, books and CD's and old newspapers on the floor, etc. I am untidy. I am not, however, dirty or filthy. Just a bit disorganized.

With that understood, I have to tell you that what I found in Deadbeat's room was utterly and completely repulsive. If you are squeamish or weak of stomach, trust me--do not read further! Here be monsters!


At first, when I was pulling some of his stuff out, I was feeling bad about the thought that I would be throwing a lot of it out. The more I got in to that room, though, the less bad I felt, as it just got grosser and more disgusting as I went. Trash under the bed. Underneath his desk used as a trash receptacle. And I don't mean he had a trash can under there overflowing. Ironically, the one trash can he had in the room was pretty much empty. But under his desk was PILES of trash, including (but hardly limited to) old fast food wrappers, old food, dirty dishes, condoms, both wrapped and unwrapped, cigarette butts, etc. I have rarely in my life been so glad to have gloves. I was getting angrier and angrier, and it was getting quite easy to fling his shit into the dumpster/compactor. I was STEAMED.

And it just got worse. Trust me when I tell you that this is one of the few threads that is better WITHOUT pictures. I did, however, take pictures. They will be used for my impending court case against the little bastard.

After I finished with the main room, I got to his walk-in closet, where things, much to my shock and awe, got even worse. There was an army of empty or semi-empty beer bottles. Fine. With them were some old fast food drink containers, including two that, when I touched them, unleashed a SWARM of flies. I was horrified! I actually had to go get a small plastic grocery bag to put over said cups and then throw them in the big trash bag so as to keep the flies at bay! And I found many of my dishes he claimed not to have, including several pots and pans. I actually had to pitch two saucepans and one mixing bowl because they were simply not salvageable. The mixing bowl in particular warrants commentary. See, not only was months old food caked to the bottom. Months old unidentifiable rotting food. But stuck to said science project was a fort, a cigarette, and an unwrapped condom. No, that is NOT a typo. No, I do not know if it was a USED condom, though being unwrapped, I would presume so. I did not look that closely, thank you very much, though I did take pictures, of course. No, you don't want to see these pictures. No, I have no idea how he managed to get laid in that room filthy sty. And these were not isolated incidents, these are simply the highlights lowlights, folks! Now, I have a strong gag reflex, but there were various times (such as with the mixing bowl) that I had to struggle not to retch violently. That is saying something!

We had to pitch the computer desk we had so thoughtfully provided him, as it was trashed beyond repair. I had to throw out the aforementioned dishes. Which, I should point out, were MY dishes, NOT his! We had to throw out the pillows and bedding from the bed that had come with the room, because they were just disgusting and clearly not salvageable.

Surprisingly, his bathroom was not all that bad, though it was not clean. Compared to the bedroom, it was actually rather pristine!

My wonderful, invaluable, and totally rocking niece Princess came over to help me do the actual cleaning of the room, once all the shit was removed. And when it comes to cleaning and Princess, let's just say it's the one time I will take orders from an 18 year old. The girl knows what she is doing, and does it well. Extraordinarily well. We (mostly her) absolutely knocked that filthy place into the realm of clean and acceptable, and my friend Photo Dude was rather shocked, as was my roommate Mr. Anti-Social. The new roommate, Teacher, was also rather impressed. Teacher had initially looked at the room when Deadbeat was still living in it.

And on to the good news: Teacher rocks. Not only did he pony up the deposit as promised, he has gone beyond that. Some things he's done so far:
--Paint the room. Princess and I had cleaned the walls as best we could, but the new coat of paint was a nice touch!
--Put down rugs over the old trashed carpet. I had decided to bring in a professional cleaner for the carpet (it really was that bad), but Teacher pointed out that no matter how good the guy was, it was still going to be a trashed carpet, so he'd rather just put down rugs over it. I'll be reimbursing Teacher for the price of the rugs.
--Paid me June rent over a week early. I'd like to repeat that last part. He paid.....rent.....EARLY.

Okay, sure, he snaked a couple specialty beers I had in the fridge, but he didn't realize that specialty beers are off limits. To his credit, he apologized and replaced them with a big stash of Miller Lite, and we came to an understanding. To wit: I don't give a crap if he occasionally has some of my generic (Miller, Corona, etc.) beer. But if he doesn't recognize the name, leave it alone!

And now, all that is left is to put together the court case against Deadbeat, as he (slowly) pays me in dribs and drabs. In addition to the cost of the things he destroyed that were not his property, I am going to be charging him for the time Princess and I spent cleaning, AND I may even throw in "emotional distress" damages due to the sheer horrors I had to subject myself to to clean that place!

"That which does not kill me makes me stronger." Thank goodness I believe that. AND that I have a strong gag reflex!

[Lachrymose]

Wow..glad you finally got all of that taken care of.

Your story reminds me of this one about a disgusting roommate from Hell that circulated the interwebz a while back.

WARNING: VERY DISGUSTING PICTURES CONTAINED WITHIN. VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK!

http://shiroioji.livejournal.com/114944.html

[Peppergirl]

Wow. Just wow.

FTR, I am not easily nauseated...but those very nearly did me in.

[Mikkel]

No, I have no idea how he managed to get laid in that room filthy sty.

He might have used the condoms for some alone time, for sanitary reasons . Not logical, but he is probably not used to thinking things through.
Good thing you found someone better, even though he took your beer (once).

[One-Fang]

Wow Jester. Sounds like you definitely have the polar opposite in Teacher, though. At least, it's a very good start.

I'd consider replacing the carpet entirely and adding it to the suit. If you think the suit will actually have a positive outcome that is. I mean yes, you might very well get judgment, but can he pony up the payment? Judgment against a deadbeat isn't very satisfying. If you think he's got the assets to sell up to pay any judgment then I would go ahead and replace the carpet. Just think about what's in it - inside it - under the carpet, festering away.

[Jester]

Your story reminds me of this one about a disgusting roommate from Hell that circulated the interwebz a while back.

As bad as Deadbeat was, he wasn't THAT bad! That was nauseating, and I had to fight back a couple hurls......and it takes a lot to get me to that point!

[Rapscallion]

He might have used the condoms for some alone time, for sanitary reasons .

Known in these parts as a 'posh wank'.

I can see this terminology spreading.

Rapscallion