One crisis is over, another is just beginning (language and long)

[PizzaDrone]

Sorry to hear your bad news, but the support from your mother and the honesty from the doctors is good. It might not seem like it and everything's still up in the air for now.

Sending good vibes your way and to your husband.

[goldaries13]

Honestly? You can kiss my tuches.

Not much to report today. I did succeed is getting into an argument with all my sisters-in-law, though. I was visiting the Dane and after I stepped out for a minute, they met me in the hall way and asked why they were being denied a chance to see him. Now, the way things are done at this hospital in the ICU, patients tell the nurses or other personnel they don't want to see somone and they forward it to the person who checks IDs at the desk and it's added to a list. If your name is on the list, you're denied access. It's meant to give patients privacy and whatnot. Knowing this, I stated the policy as the Dane explained it.

A reasonable person would assume "Hey, our brother added us to a list of people he didn't want to see. Maybe we should back off."

My SILs have never been known for this. They think I said something to get them banned. It wasn't much of an argument, but it riled me a bit.

He comes home tomorrow! I'm happy he'll be home. We already agreed my mother will stay with us for the next month, so I can finish out the semester. Next semester is still up in the air for me, but we already agreed not to worry about it; chances are something will pop up so we can resume normal life.

He'll be starting radiation soon (no chemo yet, the doctors are optimistic radiation with possible surgery later on will work). It's a rather complex form known as Intensity-modulated radiation therapy, which he'll be starting next Friday. The doctors wanted to start as soon as possible. He goes about four days a week for seven weeks to start.

Intensity-modulated radiation therapy (IMRT) is an advanced mode of high-precision radiotherapy that utilizes computer-controlled x-ray accelerators to deliver precise radiation doses to a malignant tumor or specific areas within the tumor. IMRT allows for the radiation dose to conform more precisely to the three-dimensional (3-D) shape of the tumor by modulating—or controlling—the intensity of the radiation beam. IMRT also allows higher radiation doses to be focused to regions within the tumor while minimizing the dose to surrounding normal critical structures. (from this website)

They were doing some CT scans today in preparation for it. Dr. L (the oncologist from yesterday) told me this type of radiation is a positive thing; it means the tumor's not within or near a critical area. If it were, they'd have to do some other form. They're hoping radiation will take care of most, if not all, of the tumor.

Dr. L did prepare us by saying surgery may be needed down the road. The only reason they won't do surgery now is because of the size of the tumor, not the location. He explained it like this: "Brain surgery is a very delicate process. The other tumor that we did remove required extensive precision to remove, and the size of this tumor... Well, the risks of removing it via surgery outweigh the benefits. It's not near a critical structure, but one false step and removing it could damage a critical structure anyway."

He went on to say now that with the recent overhauls in the surgical department (most of the surgical staff was fired and replaced recently due to careless mistakes), he trusts the surgical dept. to operate and not make a mistake, but this is one case where the tumor is best controlled by radiation first. If it doesn't completely remove it and just shrinks it to a more manageable size for surgery, then they'll operate.

I like this guy. Pulls no punches, doesn't dance around the issues, a real straightshooter, as my mother says. He gave us the issues with operating up front. Despite the fact it's a grade 1 tumor (the lowest grade assigned, so that's a relief), there's still risks, and he didn't try to hide any of that from us.

Okay, so maybe there was a lot to report. But right now, I'm feeling pretty optimistic (despite my earlier assertion I'm useless in a crisis). Thanks to all, especially Rummy and Plaidman for their messages to me. You guys are all awesome.

[Eireann]

May his recovery be so fast, it will be as if he were never hospitalized at all.

[Der Cute]

I'm sorry things aren't peachy keen at the moment. It's got to be difficult, knowing there's an enemy in a place you can't just reach in and strangle quickly (many times I wished I could fix my epilepsy...but you just can't.)

TBH I think it's great they've got a plan of attack (so to speak) for the tumor, and that the team has been put into good shape. I am going to hope and cross my fingers for you and the Dane.

I"m also glad your work is working with you on this. Would be a good story to write out if a manager said "Oh, he's got a tumor? YOU still need to come into work! *cracks whip*" I've had managers like that. They suck elephant you-know-whats.

Anyways, here's a hug, and a kitty bonk from Miss Fuzzy. *bonk*

Keep up the good spirits!

Cutenoob

[Bella_Vixen]

*many hugs and good thoughts*

[goldaries13]

Attack of the mother in law

He's home. I went to the hospital this morning to get him.

Now it's a waiting game till his radiation starts. My mother will be driving him to and from his appointments.

On the note of mothers, his arrived last night. Most of you know of my general distaste for the daughters she has brought into this world, and probably assume I don't like her all that much either. You'd be right, but most of the time, I don't mind her because, really, as long as she stays in Denmark, I'm happy. This wasn't the case when I initially met the Dane, but this is another story for another time.

As I said, as long as MIL stays in Denmark, I'm happy because she can't do much damage. But now she is in my neck of the woods and I have to be on guard. She's never been good for the Dane's health, being largely the cause of my husband's shot nerves when we met. I believe I actually said to her once, "Lady, if your son went to a college out in the middle of podunk nowhere just because it was in the States, maybe you should evaluate your parenting style."

But I digress.

She's staying in a hotel (), because we live in a crappy one bedroom and have no room now that my mother's pulled up residence on our couch. MIL doesn't like being in a hotel, but she has no say because it's first come first serve and my mother arrived first.

She dropped up today while I was at work, and apparently she worked the Dane up so much he had a panic attack. He hasn't had one in almost two years. Remember how my mother occasionally forgets all form of polite society manners? It happened again and my mother smacked his mother. Mumsy is very protective of her son in law, viewing him to be the sensitive, artistic son she never had after a string of five good ol' boys.

So Mumsy forced MIL out of the house and got the Dane calmed down. She's since mentioned the words 'restraining order,' but The Dane and I don't think it's necessary. We are, however, probably going to change the locks. (It was a dumb idea to give her a key anyway)

I don't hate her, I don't hate her, I don't hate... Screw it, I hate her. After his dad died, The Dane was alternatively smothered and ignored by this woman, mostly ignored. I understand she was under strain, raising five kids by yourself is hard, my mom had to raise eight(six her own, two from my dad's previous relationship) largely on her own after my own dad died. But this... person largely ignored him by her own admission because she thought he looked too much like his dad. After years of ignoring him, though, she got all up in arms after he met me and we started dating. I've never gotten the full story on that, but a small part of it had to do with my refusal to come to Denmark one summer to meet her.

At the time, we weren't serious, just kind of hanging out. I wasn't going to waste my family's money (which was hard to come by with a single woman taking care of eight kids) just to flight out for a week to meet the mother of someone I wasn't serious about at the time. In addition, it's a pain to deal with planes and wheelchairs. So I said no and she's hated me ever since.

I really wish she'd just stay away. Having panic attacks isn't good for him, especially right now. Why does she insist on making things worse?

[XCashier]

You're in a rough situation, and having in-laws like that certainly doesn't help. On the plus side, sounds like you've got a good oncologist, one who's honest and knows what he's doing, plus you've got the support of your mom and friends.

And us on CS. I'm praying for you and the Dane. Best wishes for a speedy and thorough recovery, and for life to return to normal quickly.

[CaroPhoenix]

I completely understand the hating of the in-laws (especially the MIL). Why do you think I drink rum all the time?

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and repeat, "She will leave soon."

And if all else fails, I have a huge bottle of Sailor Jerry's Rum in my kitchen. You just have to provide the cups!

[Becks]

*more hugs and good vibes*

[goldaries13]

I blew up at my mother in law today, and I think I did a lot of damage.

I'm not going to quote everything that happened word for word, but my MIL came over today (while I was there), and tried to stir up trouble again. She tried saying how we were horrible to her for forcing her to stay in a hotel rather than letting her stay here to take care of her son (that's rich, you didn't want to take care of him when he lived with you, why start now?), that I was a horrible wife for not taking more time off work to be with him(considering mine is the only income we have now that he's taking a leave of absence, I don't have a choice. I would love to spend more time with him, but I can't.), and that we were being stupid for not instantly hopping the first plane to Denmark to seek real medical care(right, that radiation treatment he's going to have? It's just a glowy strobe light. And those pills they're giving him for pain? Those are just M&Ms).

I tried to politely tell her all the things she was saying were, in this order, 1)not possible, 2) not financially sound, and 3) both, but then she blew up at me and starting screaming she wanted to hop the first flight home. Fine, go. But then she insisted she wanted my husband, and only my husband, to take her to the airport. My mother and I weren't allowed to go.

Uh, ? His doctors said he shouldn't drive, due to the risk of seizures. I told her this, and her response? "Well, That's just too bad! He'll just have to risk it!"

Cue the scary wife music, please. It sounds like that music they played during the shower scene in psycho. Or maybe that music in jaws. I can never remember.

I proceeded to tell her, using a very calm tone of voice that was edging on psychotic angry, that she was a horrible mother, that I was not risking my husband's life for her selfish whim, and she was never allowed in my house again, and quite frankly, I hated her because she was responsible for her son's mental problems, confidence issues, and because she was an all-around selfish, bitchy shrew. I told her I hoped she died miserable, penniless, alone, and in twice as much pain as my husband was in now.

She tried appealing to the Dane when she saw I was serious, but he simply told her to leave and forget he existed. "It shouldn't be too hard for you, right? You've been doing it for years." He was in tears when he said that, not because I was demonizing her (as she was claiming), but because he saw she genuinely didn't care for him. I mean, disregarding your son's life just for your own purposes is pretty low.

She left, threatening to take us both to court and get appointed as his medical proxy. Good riddance. We're still getting calls from the SILs, but we're ignoring them.

How can she be so coldhearted? I'm glad she's gone, but christ! The Dane's a mess and it's going to take a lot to get him okay again. He says it's not me, but I can't help feeling guilty. Did I go too far?

[XCashier]

I don't think you went too far at all; in fact, it sounds like you were doing your best to keep things from going too far.

The fact that she wanted her son to drive despite his condition, and totally blew it off when it was pointed out to her, just shows that you are in the right. If she has that little regard for her son's safety, she has no business being his medical proxy.

Was your mom there to witness the arguement? Just in case it does go to court, a witness would be good.

Damn, that is so twisted. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Not sure she could win a case to become his medical proxy anyway, without proving that you both are incompetent to serve in that capacity. At the moment he is able to make his own medical decisions, and his wife would automatically assume that responsibility should he become unable to. She would have a pretty big burden of proof to win that case. At any rate, it sounds like she deserved it. Seems she wants to be the martyr and have everyone feel sorry for her because her baby boy is sick...without the caring about the fact that her son is sick part, of course (cuz that part is messy and hard).

I'm glad your mom is there for you both. She sounds like a good egg. (Get it?...tomorrow's Easter...Easter egg...heh...oh, shush and have a chocolate bunny).

And a for good measure.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Yes, you did do a lot of damage. And all of it was justified.

I too hope your own mom was there to see all of this. I wouldn't put anything past your mother-in-law.

[tropicsgoddess]

Wow, your MIL is a real piece of work, ignoring her son after all these years and then suddenly she wants to make herself out to be the martyr mom that she isn't at all. I can't believe she had the audacity to even demand that The Dane drive her to the airport even though it's risky for his health and not give a rat's ass. I don't think she would even have a snowball's chance in hell to be medical proxy considering the way she's treated him all these years and usually the spouse is the first in line to make any decisions like that should they become incapacitated. Speaking of decisions, I know it may sound a little uh...off, but considering The Dane's condition, I would suggest he (the Dane) start making a living will or draw up some legal paper work so that way the bitches of the east (SILs and MIL) can't become medical proxy or anything else that involves making decisions in his affairs. You can get the templates to make the necessary paper work online for free. I'll PM the link. Plenty of hugs and good vibes.

[goldaries13]

Thanks, everyone. I guess the reason I'm so torn over this is because despite the lack of money, my family was and is tight, and wouldn't dream of trying to do anyone else in the family dirty. Having close contact with the Dane's family helped me realize this is not always the case with other families.

Another thing is probably my lack of really knowing how to deal with females. My siblings and half-siblings are all male, and a lot of my friends growing up were guys, so I have no idea how to deal with these psycho bitches. My mindset is hardwired on 'tell it like it is,' none of the 'girl games' BS that the MIL and SILs seem to play and know all too well. If I pulled half the crap they pull, my brothers would not hesitate to dislocate my jaw.

I should explain. In my world growing up, disagreements and feuds and such were settled in a throwdown. Whoever had the least bodily harm was the winner. I realize this is not the way all families solve their problems, but in this case, I kind of wish it was. Because then I could install spikes on my wheelchair wheels and grind their legs to mush. Just saying.