CS's Advice Column From HELL!

[Professional Serf]

I'll start by creating a scenario you might find in an advice column, then the next person assumes the role of Ann Landers with a pitchfork and a spikey tail. The crueler and more wrong, the better! (*MOD NOTE - Actually, all replies must still stay within the site guidelines for posting and not contain language or scenarios that are against site rules. A reminder that we still do condone violence, revenge, etc., even in joking.) That person then makes up another scenario, and so on.

Here we go:

Dear SC,

I love my boyfriend, I really do, but the man complains and whines more than a room full of two year olds. It's to the point where I don't want to take him anywhere! What should I do? Caterwauled in Katmandu.

[Nurian]

Dear Caterwauled,

Tell him to put up or shut up! If he can't choose between you and the game system, then you take it and fling it out the window. He'll be so impressed by your passion, he'll be your slave forever.



Dear SC,

I've tried so hard, but I can't seem to find anyone? I go to the bars, church, etc, but no one gives me the time of day. Help!

Lonely in LA

[Kheldarson]

Dear Lonely,

Have you tried a lonely bridge over water? Desperate girls love to go there; I'm sure you can't fail to get one there. Or rid the world of your wimpy DNA. Win-win.



Dear SC,

My friends are spreading rumors about me at school, and none of them are true! How can I get them to stop and fix my reputation?

Not A Whore

[Mnemjian]

Dear Not a Whore,

The only way to really get revenge on your "friends" is to sleep with their boyfriends/husbands/siblings/parents. Who's laughing then? And maybe the gossiping won't stop, but at least they're not spreading lies.




Dear SC,

I really like this guy at my new job, but I'm afraid it might get awkward if it doesn't work out! What should I do?

A Tempted Temp

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear SC,

I really like this guy at my new job, but I'm afraid it might get awkward if it doesn't work out! What should I do?

A Tempted Temp

Dear Tempted Temp:

Find out where this guy lives and place the dead animal of your choice on his doorstep. Attach a note reading "Unlike this animal, my love for you will never die."

Enjoy your new workplace romance.



Dear SC:

What's the best way to lose weight without exercise?

Fatty Fatty Fat Fat.

[gremcint]

Dear SC:

What's the best way to lose weight without exercise?

Fatty Fatty Fat Fat.

Dear SC:

Just stop eating so much you damn pig.


Dear Abby:

My cat keeps going outside the litterbox, what should I do?

[BookstoreEscapee]

Put a cover on the box and lock the cat inside.


Dear SC,

My room is a mess and my roommate refuses to clean it for me. What should I do?

-Cluttered

[KabeRinnaul]

Cluttered,
He'll clean if that's the only way he gets fed. It's amazing what chaining someone to the bedpost accomplishes.


Dear SC,
I'm hungry, but too lazy to go to the kitchen.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Then just sit there and starve to death, you lazy sod.

Dear SC:

My male enhancement medication has left me with an unfortunate case of priapism. What should I do?

Richard Hertz

[Nurian]

Then just sit there and starve to death, you lazy sod.

Dear SC:

My male enhancement medication has left me with an unfortunate case of priapism. What should I do?

Richard Hertz

Well, since it's going to fall off anyway, fornicate all you want!



Dear SC,
I have my whole family coming over and NOTHING to cook!

Starving in Stranton

[tropicsgoddess]

Well, since it's going to fall off anyway, fornicate all you want!



Dear SC,
I have my whole family coming over and NOTHING to cook!

Starving in Stranton

Well, how about looking in your fridge and cupboards or getting off your ass and going to the store for food, numbskull.


Dear SC,

The homecoming dance is coming up and all the people I've asked out rejected me and now I don't have a date. What should I do?

- No Dates in Miami

[taurinejunkie]

... priapism ... Richard Hertz

You, sir, are a genius. I don't have anything to contribute to this thread right now, but this needed to be noted.

[Red_Dazes]

Dear SC,

The homecoming dance is coming up and all the people I've asked out rejected me and now I don't have a date. What should I do?

- No Dates in Miami

Dear No,

You have two choices. Accept you are pathetic and stay home.
OR. Deny you are pathetic and go to the dance.


Dear SC,

My neighbors dog wont stop barking at night. I've called the police but they said they can't help. It keeps me up ALL NIGHT! Help!

Sleepless in Seattle.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Dear Sleepless,

Move to Portland.



Dear SC,

A customer at my work grabbed my arm and yelled at me when I got upset. He said the customer is always right. I'm not sure what my boss will say if the customer complains. My question is, should I beat up the customer or the boss first?

-Worker bee

[Akasa]

Dear Worker Bee,
The customer as they are closest to you, then go for your boss in a epic Mortal Combat kind of fight. After all, if you're going to beat up someone, do it in style!


Dear SC,
I a tooth ache and can't afford a dentist. What do I do?