I may get arrested for murder.

[shankyknitter]

that feeling of wrongness? That's the 'sweet muppity Odin my niece is moving in with a creepy old guy' sensation that isn't going to go away. you still want to stop her from doing it (understandable, just the idea makes my skin crawl, I have a very strict half+ 7 rule) but you can't just forbid it. Nor can you lock her away in the basement until the urge passes. As tempting a solution as it is.

However if something still feels really really off after you talk to the guy I would start keeping a closer eye on your niece. Given the uneasy feelings so far as well as the speed at which this is happening I wouldn't rule out manipulation on his end. Speaking as a woman who escaped an emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship, she may not notice if she's in one if he's good at what he does. See what vibe you get off of El Douche. Or better yet have a female friend talk to him on the sly and see what she gets from him. Do you have someone who can drop by his work and talk to him that he wouldn't recognize as your friend?

[BrenDAnn]

And yet I still feel like something is horribly, horribly wrong.

Listen to your instincts, Jester. Always listen to your instincts. If your gut tells you something is wrong, then something is VERY wrong. Don't ever second guess what your gut tells you!

[Jester]

Nor can you lock her away in the basement until the urge passes. As tempting a solution as it is.

Very tempting, actually. But unrealistic. Not only because it would be highly illegal, but because I don't have a basement.

I wouldn't rule out manipulation on his end. Speaking as a woman who escaped an emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship, she may not notice if she's in one if he's good at what he does.

She and I actually discussed this, about how some controllers/abusers will slowly start cutting women off from their family and friends, etc. Princess was there when my friend TD went down that road, never to return, so she is not completely clueless about such things. Plus I gave her a few other things to look for. Obviously, if OD were such a guy, this would still be the "charm them" stage, so he would be doing nothing too obviously odious. But she is aware of such things and hopefully would be on the lookout for them. Also, I have his address, his phone number, and his full name if I need them, so that's a plus.

Or better yet have a female friend talk to him on the sly and see what she gets from him. Do you have someone who can drop by his work and talk to him that he wouldn't recognize as your friend?

Oh, I have a few such potential operatives. But what exactly would they be looking for? I don't quite understand where you're going with this.

Listen to your instincts, Jester. Always listen to your instincts. If your gut tells you something is wrong, then something is VERY wrong. Don't ever second guess what your gut tells you!

It's a feeling, not my gut, and I haven't talked to the guy yet. And even if I were to "listen to my gut," precisely what could I do? As mentioned above, I don't have a basement.

[Squeaksmyalias]

You are a good Uncle.
Also, how much are you willing to pay to rent a basement?

[thatcrazyredhead]

Oi.

19 is only old enough to think you're old enough.

I'm totally with GK on this. Just because someone has reached the legal age of majority doesn't mean they're an adult. Being an adult has more to do with maturity and responsibility (which, forgive me, Jester, but it doesn't sound like your niece is exactly abounding with either) than with age.

I dated a 30 year old guy when I was 18. He was responsible, but immature. I was mature but irresponsible. It lasted 3 weeks. He was a good guy, though, and we're still friends. I think he was just freaking out about turning 30 and wanted to settle down and get married. I had a huge crush on him so he figured what the hell. Hopefully what's happening with your niece is something similar.

[blas]

My 26 year old (but mentally going on 6) cousin just married a 40 year old guy.

But blas, that's not a big deal, only 14 years and by the time you're in your mid to older 20s, it's not an issue, you all say. True, that's actually not even a huge difference, but she married him just for the money. A daddy thing. Because she can no longer be spoiled rotten by her daddy. I feel sorry for the poor bastard, that is of course unless he's one of those desperate rich losers who goes for younger girls and lets them take advantage of him.

I'm waiting to see how old of a guy her younger sister is going to snatch away soon. Neither of them are able to function on their own without their daddy. Mind you, this is the side of the family tree that quit forking, it just kept going straight....

I think 19 and 40s is way too big of a difference, and his intentions are probably not honorable. I hope you can talk some sense into her, or at least do your best to scare the prick away. Come on Jester, give yourself some credit....you can scare the shit out of all kinds of drooling morons and idiot drunks, why are you so scared of a big dumb guy?

[Jester]

I'm totally with GK on this. Just because someone has reached the legal age of majority doesn't mean they're an adult. Being an adult has more to do with maturity and responsibility (which, forgive me, Jester, but it doesn't sound like your niece is exactly abounding with either) than with age.

True, but the fact remains that I can't TELL her what to do. I can only suggest, advise, guide, etc. If I lay down an ultimatum, she will simply ignore me and do what she wants, probably the opposite of whatever the ultimatum is. Recognizing the parameters of the battle are important, and I have for this one. Now how I deal with them is the question.

As for Princess, she is very responsible (pays her rent and bills on time, shows up for work on time, does a good job at work, goes to school, studies diligently, etc.). Mature? Not so much. In some things, yes, but not in matters of the heart. And I am not merely using this situation to judge that, either. In several past relationships, I have seen some serious emotional and romantic immaturity.

I think 19 and 40s is way too big of a difference, and his intentions are probably not honorable.

I tend to agree, but we'll see once I sit down and have a chat with him.

I hope you can talk some sense into her, or at least do your best to scare the prick away. Come on Jester, give yourself some credit....you can scare the shit out of all kinds of drooling morons and idiot drunks, why are you so scared of a big dumb guy?

First of all, no one ever said he was dumb. Just big. I have no idea if he is a genius or an idiot. I do know that he is a personal trainer, has owned a gym, and is not only a bouncer, but a head bouncer, meaning he is in charge of the other bouncers. One doesn't usually get there by being an idiot, nor by being easily intimidated by someone half your size.

I am not scared of him, mind you. (Please. The only thing I am actually scared of is bees.) I am just realistic. I know my usual tactics won't work on him, as they usually involve someone closer to my size or a teenage boy who is not ready for my psychological attacks. This guy is neither.

To paraphrase Captain Jack Sparrow, you have to know what you can do and what you can't do. I know I can't intimidate the guy in my usual fashion, so I will adopt another strategy. One of civility, politeness, frankness, and brutal honesty. Telling OD why Princess's mom and I are concerned, and asking him to tell me about himself and his "intentions," such as it were. Because going in like gangbusters and telling him, fuck you, fuck this, this has to stop, I'm gonna kick your ass, etc., will have absolutely zero effect. Hell, I already shocked both OD and Princess by having a very calm, rational, non-judgmental adult chat with Princess, rather than what she thought would be a rant and rave session, and what he thought would be an attempt by me to convince her to leave him.

So I'll go from there.

[kibbles]

Hey Jester,

I don't think your post title fits with your post because I think you are handling this very well and being very fair and non-judgmental. I wish you luck in your meeting with your niece's boyfriend.

A big age difference doesn't necessarily mean something is bad or that the older party has bad intentions, but I agree with your tactic of following your instincts while still giving the guy the benefit of the doubt.

[Jester]

My thread title fits just fine, as I MAY yet kill the fucker.

[Solumina]

I know it is kind of a low blow but mention the words "I wonder what you father would say if he saw you moving in with someone in his forties." Just say it in a light hearted, joking kind of way, not necessarily condemning her choice but more in disbelief.

The thing is if she really thinks that he is a great guy and they are just moving quickly because they have an amazing connection those words wont hurt her at all (as long as you don't say it in seriously negative way). If, however, she knows that it is the wrong thing to do and just doesn't care (or if this is all because of daddy issues) then it will at the very least cause her to seriously reconsider.




Also background checks can come up with some interesting results. I'm sorry I don't know of a good place to get them as my daddy did all of his (he may have been a little overprotective of his little princess) through his friends at work (both of my parents used to work fairly high up in the federal government).

[Jester]

I know it is kind of a low blow but mention the words "I wonder what you father would say if he saw you moving in with someone in his forties." Just say it in a light hearted, joking kind of way, not necessarily condemning her choice but more in disbelief.

Actually, I did bring that up, neither lightheartedly nor in a condemning manner. I merely said, "What do you you think your father would think of this?" It was the most awkward point of our talk, as I really hated to tread there, and she still is rather uncomfortable about the whole thing, but it had to be said, and I did it as diplomatically as I could. She admitted that her father would probably be less than happy about the whole thing, but she didn't really say much beyond that.

If nothing else, perhaps I gave her something to think about that she had been avoiding thinking about.

[Zellie Crescent]

Maybe this will make her see that this is a bad idea had hopefully make her dump him.

[tollbaby]

Sarah, you have so little faith in the determined stubbornness of a 19 year old

She will need to get hurt (unfortunately) before she'll admit she made a mistake. And then she'll kick herself silly for a little while, and then she'll know better.

[Mikkel]

Sarah, you have so little faith in the determined stubbornness of a 19 year old

She will need to get hurt (unfortunately) before she'll admit she made a mistake. And then she'll kick herself silly for a little while, and then she'll know better.

That is very true, they need to be as stupid as we were at their age .

I would think that the polite and frank approach is the best, if she makes a mistake she will know that she has support and should everything work out fine, unlikely as it is, there are no speeches to eat afterwards.

When my daughter dated a worthless thug, I could only tell her what I thought of him. Luckily one of her friends stole him away and got pregnant before he was arrested for bank robbery . A shame, of course, that he wasn't arrested before the "friend" got pregnant, although my daughter thought it a fitting punishment at the time .

[trailerparkmedic]

That is very true, they need to be as stupid as we were at their age .

QFT.

I got engaged at 19 and married at 20, because I loved him and that's all that was important. Never mind we'd only known each other for a few months and we were both in the Army. My entire family told me I might want to slow things down, but they just didn't understand! I was in LOVE! He was PERFECT! I was a GROWNUP, damnit!

Thankfully they were very supportive when we separated and no one told me "I told you so!" I am a stubborn person who has to learn from my mistakes, and I don't think that's uncommon for the just barely an adult age range.