Dating/Girl Horror Stories....

[Jester]

Oh, do I have stories!!!!!

I do have to say I am going to limit these stories to women that are not My Worst Girlfriend Ever, aka That Vile Woman. I've detailed her BS enough in here anyway. Also, I am going to leave one really bad experience out, because that is part of another thread I have yet to type up about one of the most amusing/bemusing/entertaining weeekends/binges I've had, which was about a month ago. Okay, now on to my horror stories:

Back in college, when I was working for the college radio station, one of my coworkers there hooked me up with some promotional work for one of the "real" radio stations in town (putting flyers under windshields, etc.), and in return I got a couple concert tickets to a multi-band concert coming through.
Dopey me, I had the hots for this one younger chick at the college radio station, and asked her to go with me. She agreed. And when I picked her up, she looked amazing in a tight flowered white dress. Great face, great body. Sadly, that was all she had. Because throughout the concert, despite our killer seats up front, she just sat there looking bored. Until, of course, the last band (in my mind the least talented), for which she went gaga. And that was the only life I saw out of her all night. Basically she used me to see one of her favorite bands. Naturally, I got no action from her. Unlike my usual MO at that time in my life, this time I learned, and never bothered trying to date this girl again.

Back in high school, a friend of mine knew I had the hots for "June." So said friend set me up on a date with June, and I showed up at the appointed time and place. As did June. As did June's boyfriend. Apparently no one had bothered telling me that June had a boyfriend. And no one had bothered telling June that she was being set up. Luckily, I was smart enough to keep that information to myself, though I felt like an idiot in my "nice" clothes standing there watch these two fight, make out, etc. (I put "nice" in quotes because back then, I had no fashion sense nor money, and these clothes weren't all that great. The way I dress now, one of my shirts would be able to kick my high school self's ass up and down the street. )

Then there was this one night stand. Me and a dorm buddy hooked up with these two chicks, and we ended up having quite a fun time with them in a hot tub. Each couple retired to separate rooms, and me and my girl had some fun. That was not the bad part. The bad part, the part that drove me nuts, was the fact that her first name and my name first rhymed, were actually almost identical....and yet several times throughout the night, she would turn to me and say, "What was your name again?" I guess I should not have been surprised years later when the girl who would become the biggest mistake in my dating life (That Vile Woman) had the same fucking name!

For a while when I was 21, I was semi-dating this chick, "Paula." Well, we got along great, sex was rather entertaining, but I dumped her shortly after this incident....she and I were at a party a coworker of mine was having, and she was clearly there with me.....and she started hitting on a number of my male coworkers! I'm sorry, that is just fucking disrespectful. Grrr...

While in college, I was a regular at this one bar. On a few occasions, they did a "dating game," where they would have one bachelor questioning three bachelorettes (or vice versa). Once I got in said game as one of the three bachelors. The bachelorette chose me, and a few days later we went on our date to the restaurant the bar had provided a gift certificate for, which just happened to be one of my all-time favorite restaurants in Phoenix. (Still is, by the way.) I had an inkling things might not be great from our brief phone conversations, as she didn't seem all that bright. One our date, she proved it, by being a classless, idiotic, pain in the ass, and ordering a huge amount of food, far more than the gift certificate could pay for. Being a gentleman, I shelled out the difference and didn't complain. But being a gentleman with self respect, I never talked to her again. She was horrible!

One where I was horrible: I had a blind date scheduled. I was running late, and when I got to the appointed meeting place, I recognized her by her description of what she would be wearing. And she was one of he ugliest hosebeasts ever created. So I did the natural thing--I got the fuck out of there before she spotted me!

A few years ago, I dated this lovely girl that I am still friends with. Things didn't work out. After that, she was dating a friend of mine. No big deal. One day the three of us were at a bar together. When my friend was away in the bathroom, said girl turned to me and asked, "Jester, do you think we could date again?" I shot her one of the evilest looks, and very quietly, very calmly, and very coldly said, "Darlin', you're dating my friend, so I am going to pretend I did not hear that." And said nothing more on the subject. Simply amazing. Post script: No, they are no longer together. Yes, I am still friends with both. No, she and I never got back together. Amusingly, though, she is one of the personal trainers at the gym I just joined, and I have asked her to help kick my ass back into shape, which she has agreed to do.

A few from a female friend of mine:
--The boy who she took home who had a penis so small, she had to force herself not to laugh.
--The boy who she was hooking up with for a while who was great in bed, but was the worst kisser ever.
--My favorite: the boy who she hooked up with, and the next morning when she was heading to work, he wanted to stay in her apartment. She made it really clear that the previous night was fun, but she didn't know him all that well, and sorry--it was time to leave. He didn't have to go home, but he DID have to go!

on his last night, as we were all headed out to our cars, he comes up to me and says "greeny, will you have sex with me?" uh. no. no i will not.

Well,...at least he was straight to the point...Lol.

That has actually worked for me. Actually, every single time I have ever said to a girl, "Wanna fuck?" she has said yes. Every single time. Which was....once. Hey, you gotta pick your spots with this.

The exact situation was we had been talking for a while in her place, and I was getting a certain vibe, and just for the hell of it I said, "So, you wanna fuck?" with a big ole goofy smile on my face. She said, "Sure!" She was across the room at this point. Me: "Well, you're gonna have to come over here. I'm not THAT talented!" Thing went well, I must say.

Though I would definitely NOT advise that line for most people. As I said, you have to pick your spot.

The authoritarian voice gets scary when I'm angry because I get the outright crazy face. You know something is about to get burnt the fuck down.

I grabbed him by the throat and slammed his head into the wall. He opened his mouth to say something and I slapped him in the face and screamed at him to sit the fuck down and SHUT UP. He sat down and sulked.

Holy shit, I think I'm in love!

I'm undateable it seem.s

you lack confidence.

I've tolded him this so many times I can't count. Told, scolded, lectured, pep talked, yelled, texted....you name it, I've done it. But I think he's getting (a little) better.

I am confused by why a girl would slap you for trying to hold her hand on a date, I find that strange.

To badly paraphrase The Doors, some women can be really strange. I am not at all surprised by that, as I don't doubt plenty of women like that exist. Weird, but hardly surprising.

It was back when I couldn't drive, so my parents came along on our date.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

I slept with a guy the night I met him before.

But, I don't recommend doing that.

I dunno. Sometimes it really works. I will fully admit here that there have been a few women I have slept with the day I met them. Some were good experiences, some weren't. Some turned into relationships, some didn't. But overall, I can't say I regret having done that.

I fully recommend it. Its awesome. Even the bad ones at least give you a funny story.

Did I mention I'm in love?

[Amina516]

He actually asked for buttsex on the second date!

Never mind that this is the FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER READ...

But WTF?! Who does that?

Even hubby knows not to ask for that and we'll be married for 7 yrs next month...

[Fufu487]

Greatly enjoyed that entire thread

[Whiskey]

But WTF?! Who does that?

I asked for pics of your butt and ive never met you. still waiting btw.

Did I mention I'm in love?

A bartender and a drunk? Its like something out of a fairy tale

I'm still trying to formulate the saga into words. Its only spanned two months and it wasnt dramatic enough to write itself. It was slow burn sucky. Also, Whiskey's freak shows bad in the story and ya'll already think i'm a nutball.


Put out or Get out, brah.
Me and this guy had been talking on and off for a few weeks, I think. One night my friend (female) was over and he said he wanted to come over and chill. Mind you, its about 11PM at this point. Hm. I told the guy previously he could get it, but thats it. I didn't feel like dealing with someone in a relationship context. He comes over and about fifteen minutes I tell my friend to get out. She leaves and it starts. We're watching Invader Zim (what? shut up!) and I move for the kill.

I'm not going to go into explicit detail (no!), but strippers get paid more for less. Nothing actually happened beyond some ninth grade dry humping. He couldn't decide if he REALLY wanted to watch invader zim or have sex with me. Finally, I told him to get the fuck out. He texted me the next day saying he had a good time. what?


What is wrong with you
I had just escaped my abusive ex at this point. Literally, the dude worked at the hotel I disappeared to in the middle of the night. A friend was staying with me in the room and the guy called to check in and see if we needed anything. I needed ice right now

He brings the ice, comes in, chills, he was even nice enough to bring some weed (and people say I don't date gentlemen). We smoke up and he leaves to go back to work. I was there for 2 weeks, over the course we hung out, had a good time, flirted a ton. Finally, my apartment is ready to be moved into and I leave the hotel. He got my number during check out. After a few weeks of text-tag, he finally comes over. We flirt, smoke a little, and are standing way in each others personal space. Haaaaaay Whiskey gonna get laid. I wait for him to make a move. and wait. and wait. Nothing. I make a move and he dodges. Do what? I finally ask him if hes going to get his ass in gear or what (I had work in the morning). He says something about "making me wait." I just told him to get out.

[Jester]

A bartender and a drunk? Its like something out of a fairy tale

Be still, my fluttering liver.

Also, Whiskey's freak shows bad in the story and ya'll already think i'm a nutball.

Well, yeah. But you say that like it's a bad thing.....

...strippers get paid more for less.

He couldn't decide if he REALLY wanted to watch invader zim or have sex with me.

Three possibilities: You're butt ugly, you're damn annoying, or he's a fucking idiot.

He texted me the next day saying he had a good time.

The jury's in: he's a fucking idiot. Pretty much what I figured in the first place.

[Whiskey]

You're butt ugly, you're damn annoying, or he's a fucking idiot.

According to the broads on here, its B or C.

Why you bein' a bitch though

This is more "horror, what the fuck" than creepy. Although, my friend was creeped out.

Seriously guys, that phrase is not a good idea. If you think a woman is being a bitch, let it go. Move on. Walk away. You don't know that that broad isn't crazy, or her wingman isn't. I had a guy tell this to my friend. My friend is fairly dinky in weight and easily intimidated. I'm a Mama Drunk, its really a Very Bad Idea to harass one of my friends. Especially the one who won't tell you to get out.

Dude walks up, starts talking to my friend and all is well. I'm sitting at the bar, chatting up the bartender (i know where my honey comes from, doubles for the price of a single heeeeeeey). My friend throws up the signal that she needs to be evacuated from this creep, so I step in, holler something about "my favorite song!" and pull her away. We come off the dance floor and this dude is in her face

"Why you bein a bitch!"

My friend looks scared. This guy is a foot taller than her, probably 3x her size and skunk drunk. My friend is tiny. I pull her over and tell the dude if he wants to see a bitch, he's about to get a gigantic helping of it. The guy positions himself in such a way, you can tell hes thinking about fighting a girl in the middle of a club, so I knuckle up and stare his ass down. Ive fought bigger and won, not to mention theres a couple guys behind him watching him to make sure he doesnt move on me. Apparently my friend and someone else ran and got security who grabbed the guy and threw him out. I think we played pool for another hour before leaving. One guy very politely bought me a drink.

[Jester]

I'm a Mama Drunk, its really a Very Bad Idea to harass one of my friends. Especially the one who won't tell you to get out.

I pull her over and tell the dude if he wants to see a bitch, he's about to get a gigantic helping of it. The guy positions himself in such a way, you can tell hes thinking about fighting a girl in the middle of a club, so I knuckle up and stare his ass down.

Reminds me of the story of Sleazy Mike, which I've told here before.

Ive fought bigger and won...

You had me at "Bring it, bitch!" "Hello."

[Whiskey]

Reminds me of the story of Sleazy Mike, which I've told here before.

You should post it here.

one of the reasons i lift weights and do (self taught) boxing is because my douchebag ratio is 7x that of everyone else. If I wasn't worried about my face, i'd go into womens boxing. fun stuff, man

[cewfa]

I got set up once with a girl who looked like Norm off of Cheers. I was encouraged by my friends who had set me up to call her afterwards and it was the worst conversation of my life. She went on and on about Tiger Woods' genealogy. I had to go to the bathroom and asked if I could call her back, she said no because her mom was asleep and I was talking to her on the house phone, so I went and sat down on the toilet.

She was rambling on about Tiger Woods' mom and all of a sudden I let out a massive fart. She paused, stopped, and asked me what the hell that was. I didn't like her all that much so I told her that I was on the toilet taking a shit. She very quickly said that she had to go.

I don't burn bridges, I blow them up.

[Whiskey]

I don't burn bridges, I blow them up.

god drat, no kidding.

edit: what im trying to say is

[Jester]

You should post it here.

If you insist.

A while back, I was out at one of the downtown bars with two of my female friends, "Cali" and "D-Rod." Both rather attractive. Cali, like me, has no problem getting in someone's face and calling them on their shit. D-Rod is very non-confrontational.

So we're hanging out, and we meet Sleazy Mike. Seemed nice enough at first, but not five minutes after he's told us about his wife in Orlando and their baby on its way, he is hitting on and rubbing up on both Cali and D-Rod. Cali actually called him on this BS: "Didn't you just say you have a baby on the way?" His response: "It's not born yet." And he meant it.

In any case, fast forward a little bit. Cali, D-Rod and myself are sitting at the bar on bar stools, facing the stage with our backs to the bar. Sleazy Mike is sitting on a standard chair (lower than bar stools) facing us. D-Rod is wearing jeans with holes in the knees, and Sleazy Mike is basically playing with one of those knee holes. D-Rod has a look of utter horror on her face, as she wants nothing to do with Sleazy Mike. Being non-confrontational, though, she isn't saying anything to him, merely looking to me with a "HELP ME!" expression on her face.

So I decide to rescue her. And everything I said to Sleazy Mike I said in a very calm, very quiet, very conversational tone, despite the loud music playing in the bar. I leaned over and said, "Mike come here." SM: "Yeah?"
J: "Mike, if you don't stop what you're doing, you're going to lose your hand." SM: "What?"
J: "I said, if you don't stop playing with her jeans, your' going to lose your hand."
Sleazy Mike starts puffing up in his chair. At this point I should point out that he was about 6', 190 lbs., and that I am 5'8" and (at that time) about 150 lbs. Not a huge guy, much smaller than Mike.
SM: "What, you're going to kick my ass?"
J: "No. I'm just going to take your hand off your fucking arm."
SM: "..."

J:

SM: "..."

J:

And Sleazy Mike stood up, turned around, and left the bar.

My guess is he figured out really quickly that when I told him I was going to take his hand off of his arm that I wasn't speaking figuratively and that I was completely sincere.

I don't burn bridges, I blow them up.

Just the other day I saw a quote somewhere (I can't remember where) where someone's mother had written that it's important to know which bridges to cross and which bridges to burn. Great advice, that.

[Whiskey]

My guess is he figured out really quickly that when I told him I was going to take his hand off of his arm that I wasn't speaking figuratively and that I was completely sincere.

this is the key to winning a bar fight without getting into a fight. You have to make them believe that it will end badly for everyone.

SM sounds low key compared to the bar rats in my area. People still ask me why I drink at home.

[Jester]

this is the key to winning a bar fight without getting into a fight. You have to make them believe that it will end badly for everyone.

I only partially agree. I think you have to make them believe that it will end badly for them.

That is how I have scared the crap out of people much larger than me. Not just because I make them believe that. But because I make them see that I actually DO believe that.

It's also one of the ways I've gotten out of actually fighting.

The other is my gift of gab/humor/personality. My mouth has gotten me out of fights that my fists could not have. There have been more than one occasion where I should have been pounded into the pavement by someone much larger than me, and I wasn't. I'm good like that.

The real trick is knowing when to use which tactic. I'm still trying to figure that part out. I think I've been very lucky in that particular facet.

[Whiskey]

I only partially agree. I think you have to make them believe that it will end badly for them.

That is how I have scared the crap out of people much larger than me. Not just because I make them believe that. But because I make them see that I actually DO believe that.

It's also one of the ways I've gotten out of actually fighting.

The other is my gift of gab/humor/personality. My mouth has gotten me out of fights that my fists could not have. There have been more than one occasion where I should have been pounded into the pavement by someone much larger than me, and I wasn't. I'm good like that.

The real trick is knowing when to use which tactic. I'm still trying to figure that part out. I think I've been very lucky in that particular facet.

Agree. Maybe my point was "crazy chick" specific. Two guys fighting, its going to end badly for one of you, if not both. A guy looking to fight a chick, chances are, he'll get ONE good hit in.

My point is

That hit better be fatal. If its not.. well.. I suggest you call back up. and your mother.

It has served me well

[Jester]

Being a small(er) guy, I have found that being sincere in my comments and looking people in the eye has helped. As has believing everything I say. If I believe it, they will too. The fact is, most people really don't want to fight. They especially don't want to fight someone they think is crazy. And when someone twice my size tells me "I'm gonna kick your ass" and I calmly look up at them and equally calmly say, "I hope you brought friends" it makes them stop to think....and usually what they conclude is that I am pretty much nuts.

Whether or not that's actually true, I'm just fine with them thinking it.