Mom, I love you, but..... (Long and Ranty)

[Mikkel]

Earlier today I was going to post a recent pic in the Photo Album for people who don't have FB, since I've finally come to a place where I don't mind pictures of me. After scratching my head for several minutes, I remembered the Photo Album is temporarily gone. It has been said of me that I'm a blonde at heart

I still think you can upload pictures to your own album on your profile here. One of the mods will probably know.

I have always pictured you as a blonde woman too. It's funny how you get a picture in your head from a persons writing.

[FuzzyKitten99]

I can understand where your mom is coming from. I am a mom of two boys and while I would be supportive if either one chose to change their gender, it doesn't mean that it would be easy for me to accept without difficulty.

They are my boys and I have raised them as such, though both are 'all boy'. However my youngest is showing feminine tendencies, although that could just be due to his step-sister being the same age and 100% girl, and he lives with her. Also he's very much a 'mama's boy' (*yessssss* lol).

After all this time and assuming many many upcoming years of calling and referring to both as my little boys, and my baby boys, etc., now one wants to be called 'mam's girl', or my little girl... Not something that is so easy to do.

Remember, it wasn't easy for you to come to the decision (and the terms that go with it) you have/did about your gender change. You can't expect your mother, the one who gave you life and raised you as her son, to accept it without some kind of uneasiness.

However you can do one thing: Thank her for her at least trying to come to terms with it (though she may never 100%). But also thank her for raising you to be someone who can be strong enough in character to take on the challenges that this change will encompass. Be supportive of her feelings too.

You already know that going through this will result in many questions from everyone you have in your life, even those whom you think are ok with all of it.

My childhood best friend's sister... is now her 'brother'. I grew up with 'Lori', who is now 'Devon'. While I fully accept it mentally and emotionally, instinctually, I still think of 'him' as 'her'. Yet it has been almost 10 years since Devon first started the process.

[Redbeard]

I've got a friend who was born male and came to the same conclusions that you did.
Good on you for recognizing what was missing in your life.

[Sapphire Silk]

I think it is important to remember there are many ways to view gender, but that MOST people view it in "conventional" terms. The need of people to conform to certain roles makes it very difficult to look at ANY issue that does not conform to "conventional" roles.

Let me play devil's advocate for a moment here.

Kara's mom is facing a change she does not understand because she conforms to societal norms on sexuality. As a result, Kara's "new" gender identity represents something Mom can't process mentally. Therefore, the transgender change represents a "loss." She is losing her son, a son she probably loves very much and gaining a daughter she didn't expect and doesn't understand.

She probably is wondering how she failed Kara as a parent. She probably has a mix of emotions: guilt, fear, confusion, regret. She would be happier if Kara went back to male and took those conflicting emotions away.

It is a very human reaction.

Some parents are able to come to terms with the unconventional in terms of gender and sexuality. These parents eventually accept their gay, lesbian, bi, or transgendered children.

Some parents do not. They never accept it. Kara's Mom will go through the 5 States of Grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. However, she may or may not get to Acceptance, and she may bounce around the various stages just like a person with a terminal illness would.

In the meantime, a lot of real damage to relationships can be done.

I'm glad Kara, that you are finding ways to express the frustration you feel, and that you are sticking to your guns. Mooncat's suggestions were on target; at least Mom is asking questions and trying to understand. It's a hopeful sign, and while there may be difficult times ahead, and hard words spoken, there is hope that eventually she will get it and accept the changes you are undergoing.

I don't look like a guy. But I don't look like a woman, either. I'm Neither. Androgyny is my gender, both medically and mentally.

Because I grew up thinking this way (through no fault of my mother and father raising me, I assure you), I have a bit of a disconnect with the World's People. To my eye, everyone's the same.

I think you bring up a good point here, and it is something I totally relate to.

I remember having a conversation with a gay friend of mine years ago. I was frustrated because I had been accused of being a lesbian (I'm straight) and trying to "hone in" on someone's girlfriend. I did not understand where that was coming from . . . the woman in question was simply a good friend with whom I shared many interests, and we had gotten to talking about sexuality one day. I was curious, and asked her a lot of questions about sex with a woman.

At the time I didn't know I had Asberger's. So my questions were frank, and it never occurred to me that they might paint me in a light I didn't want to be seen in. It also didn't help that I was not comfortable with traditional female roles: I've never been much on wearing dressing, I LOATHE wearing make up, and am pretty much a tom boy who never grew up. I dress for comfort, not style.

When I discussed the issue with my gay friend, he told me, "Panacea, you're not a lesbian. You're neutral."

I hadn't really thought about it before, but he was right. Gender was one thing (I'm female), but sexuality was another (I basically ignore it).

What this means is I have a hard time comprehending people whether they are straight or gay on sexuality issues. I don't get what it means to be either one in terms of how most people look at the issue because it's just not something that I really spend much time on.

(FYI: This was probably a major factor in the failure of my marriage, aside from the other issues).

So when I consider my own comprehension problems in these areas, it makes it very easy for me to understand why Kara's Mom is having such a hard time. It is outside her ability to understand, comprehend, and grasp. Therefore it is SCARY as HELL for her. And while one might think as a parent one would put the needs of the child first, we are talking about human beings here.

It's hard to say how this will all work out. I hope for the best. I agree with the others who believe Kara is showing strength in accepting who she is and building the life she needs. You need to do that Kara, to be a well adjusted person.

Basically, you're going through birthing pains. Again.

Stick to your guns. Be patient. I think there's a good chance Mom will come around in time.

[alphabeats]

Man, this was close to home; gender issues and your mum... Thanks for posting this.

I totally get where Panacea is coming from; your mum's dealing with something she isn't familiar with, and doesn't understand, and is going to be upset (in a way which is going to be horrible for you because you *totally* understand so it must be the thing-in-itself upsetting her, right?)

Otoh I know how damn hard this is on you - my mum flipped out for a week when I told her I was gay, and has never really stopped hoping I'll settle down, become 'normal' and marry a woman and have 2.4 grandchildren and and and...

And she saw me in a skirt for the first time a couple days ago, so I got to go through it all over again - (and hoo boy, that was fun; no mum, I'm not a girl. No, I just like skirts. [No, I don't want to go into the intricacies of my gender identity and body-shape-desires with you, I think you'd break.]) Still, only one big shock left if I ever find another boyfriend and have to tell her I'm poly... and when I tell her I'm getting engaged to Stephen.

Er. Sorry. Just, yeah, you're not alone, and there are people who totally understand what you're going through.

[MoonCat]

Basically, you're going through birthing pains. Again.

Panacea, I think this is a very good way of putting it!