Domestic Violence...long, kinda graphic.

[Amina516]

I go to work a few days ago and am doing my stuff. I walk up to the front desk and see the secretary and I say Hi. From where I am standing, she appears to have mascara running under her right eye. I tell her so. She kinda smirks and says "Its not mascara". She then stands up and walks over to where i am....leans in close to me and i can see that no, its not mascara, its a black eye (the bruise was thin).

She then proceeds to tell me she got the everloving shit beat out of her the night before. She has strangle marks on her neck, her right arm is one continuous bruise in addition to various scratch marks, she also got kicked in the stomach a few times. A little background on her, shes a tiny petite 19 yo girl. Has 2 young children and is/was pregnant.

She had had a PFA out on the guy a few months ago (he was beating her then too) and for some reason Ill never understand, dropped it and had the guy move back in. Suffice it to say the cops are familiar with her and on this particular night (according to her) they were annoyed with her basically b/c she never followed through with a restraining order and told her theyd try to look for the guy (he had gone by the time they showed up) but couldnt do anything about it at the moment.

I sat for 45 mins to talk to her, she was crying. I am trying to help. I live literally a half a block away from her, she knows which house is mine. I offer my services, my home any time day or night. I offer my phone number, but the BF broke her phone and she doesnt have another. I offer her womens shelter numbers, I offer her abuse hotlines..anything. Everything I tried to get her to understand and take action, she had an excuse for. Mostly that she didnt want to inconvenience anyone by staying at their house or would say she was worried about her stuff in the house. I bluntly told her that it would be in inconvenience to her kids if they had to grow up without a mom b/c she'd been murdered by the guy who has threatened to kill her and her kids (one is his own daughter) if she went to the cops.

Now, ill admit, IDK how the legal system works.....but how can no one care about this?! She was beat to hell! She hurts to even just sit there. On top of this, she told me 6 weeks ago that she was pregnant, she now is refusing to get herself checked out b/c she doesnt have insurance but she doesnt know if shes no longer pregnant, though shes bleeding. No one at work has said a thing.

I was the only one who addressed the issue with her, everyone else at work just ignored it because (and i quote) "I dont feel bad for her b/c she always has drama." Really?!

Now, ill be the first to admit...i dont like this girl as a coworker. She never shuts up abotu random things; personality wise and she could pay more attention when shes at work; she just generally irks me. But she is sitting here, a walking bruise and these "healthcare professionals" I work with dont care?! NO ONE deserves to be treated or beat like that...ever.

After I talked with her for 45 mins, i go into the bathroom and I call my husband just to warn him that a small redhead may randomly show up to the house and to let her in regardless of time and i just really start to cry. I cant seriously bear the thought of her being beat like that and have the urge to go after the guy with a machete (I wont, but the urge was there). He calms me down, he knows im upset and he agrees of course to help me help this girl.

But thats just it now. She wont let me help her and short of kidnapping her, IDK what to do. Last time I was at work, and she was there she didnt talk about it with me, she just stayed in her own little world. But Im scared for her. Im scared im going to open the paper and read about her death. Im scared shes miscarrying and she doesnt care.

Suggestions? Just so you guys know, my manager knows....and doesnt care. My coworkers know and also dont care. She has probably one friend on the entire floor, another girl her age and who she sees outside of work. Im saddened that no one else wants to help me help her, or even encourage her to seek some outside help.

Im hoping shes at work tonight, Id like her to talk to me, but I am at least calling the local DV hotline to ask what I can do for her or what other suggestions they may have.

[Seshat]

I am at least calling the local DV hotline to ask what I can do for her or what other suggestions they may have.

It's probably a kind of burnout on the part of the police, and your peers. Many (not all) victims of domestic violence have been 'trained' by their abusers (or were pre-trained by abusive parents/basically susceptible personalities/whatever).

They feel that 'this is really love', or 'I deserve this for <insert fucked-up reason here>', or 'it's better for the kids if I stay' or ... or whatever. Any screwed up psychology their manipulative asshole can shove into them.

If you want to help this woman, be prepared for a long time and many false starts - it's not unlike helping someone beat an addiction.

That said: GO YOU!

I'm NOT trying to discourage you - I'm giving you what I know of the reality of the situation. It won't be easy. It won't be fast. But I really, really wish all the abusive manipulative assholes could be magically transported to the centre of the sun.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Couple of things:

1. This is a not a case where you can swoop in, take charge, and save her. She's going to have to save herself. You can help her save herself, but that's all you can do.

2. Be aware that being in the crossfire of this can kill you and/or your husband. As in kill you dead. I'm not saying don't help. I'm saying this is a reality you need to be aware of.

3. The reason you can't fathom why she'd let the guy move back in is because you are operating in literally a different reality than she is. You will not be able to get your head around it. Just know that it's a pattern and getting beat nearly to death is probably not going to make her wake up and change her life. Women get killed by their partners every single day. Beatings are seldom wake up calls or calls for change. I can't fathom it either, but I would suggest that terror has quite a bit to do with it.

[Treasure]

unfortunately, other than everything you've done, there is nothing else you can do - you cannot MAKE her leave him; and that is what all your coworkers have accepted - that she's had the opportunity to make him go away (restraining order) and didn't use it

Does it suck that everyone else has gotten apathetic towards her? Yes

Does the situation suck? absolutely

Does the fact that she is the only one with the power to change the situation and isn't doing so suck? Majorly

What can you do? be a friend, talk to her, council her, encourage her, offer her help and support (more emotionally than monetarily)

Can you press charges on the bastard? No

Can you make her leave? No

you can call CPS - but then SHE could lose the kids TOO - for not kicking him out... (CPS takes away the kids, not the abusers, that's what the police are for)....

Pray for her - in whatever way to whatever deity;

start doing random check up/check ins - stop by her apt/house at "odd" times - when he's most likely to be home, and maybe, just maybe you can catch him in the act....

[taxguykarl]

Seshat is spot on about all of those points.

You CW in the OP has to make the decision about this. The decision to leave that relation absolutely has to be hers. Her kids aren't by this abusive , are they? If so, that seriously complicates matters. Amina, you're in for a long, frustrating haul---just remember the problem is not yours.

[pitmonkey]

I have called the cops over a fight happening in a trailer behind the house. Here the laws are such that the victum has no say so in the arrest of the perp. The gal moved out that day.

[Dilorenzo]

for some reason Ill never understand, dropped it and had the guy move back in

I used to think that way, many years ago and in a different life.

You let it drop because you know you're such a good couple. You let it drop cause she's good to you, after all, and supports you. You let it drop because she calls over and over telling you how much she loves you and misses you, how much she needs you. You let it drop because, after all, you've let it drop before. The fact that she came with you with a knife/blunt object/clawed fingernails doesn't mean anything, it was just a lapse. The fact that she accuses you of cheating on her every five minutes (or, hell, just jerking off), that only means that she's so devoted to you and you should be to her to.

So you let it drop. And then you do it again. Because it makes absolute, perfect sense. Because you're not good enough to move on, because you're not good enough for anyone else, and for Christ's sake, you probably did something to deserve it after all. You weren't attentive enough, weren't loving enough, didn't vacuum the hall well enough.

Just switch the she for he and I know where your coworker is coming from. Is it stupid? No, it's lobotomized is what it is. But it makes sense to her, much as it did to me.

And it'll sound callous to say this as someone who's been there, but there's no one who can really help her except herself. If she truly wants to escape, by all means help her, as much as you can, even by just offering a place to crash. But don't be surprise if she drops it again after that.

Provide as much support as you can, or feel safe doing. But as others here have said, you can't be Supergirl here. You can't save someone from themselves, as much as that bloody sucks.

Bah. Now I need a smoke.

[Eireann]

I don't know if this will help, but you might try telling her this.

NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE YOU.

In horrific situations like these, it's not unusual for the victim to daydream that one day, everything will be all right. Either the abuser will do an about-face and become a sterling character, or some white knight will gallop up and put an end to things. It's easier to think that way than to take action. It's hard to take action when you have an emotional vampire sucking the very life out of you.

Let her know that she has NO reasons to stay with him. Her excuses are excuses, not reasons. Hell, maybe even give it to her very bluntly and say that she's not LETTING anyone help her. Professional victimhood has even decent people wanted to throttle the victim, because that's the vibe they give off: "I'm no good. I'm not worthy. Beat the shit out of me. What are you waiting for?"

If you really want to get graphic, and this may be the only way to do it, ask her what plans she's made for her funeral. Flowers? Music? Does she want her daughter there? Her coworkers? What should people tell her daughter when she's old enough to learn the truth?

Yes, I know. That's really harsh. But look at what she's going through now.

[shadowpanda]

I know this must be incredibly frustrating to watch from the sidelines, and not be able to do anything. It was probably really good for her to talk, but she is the one that ultimately needs to make the decisions to either leave, call DV lines, call the police and not drop charges.
There is no more you can do than you have, good on you for being as proactive as you have been and not just ignoring it/pretending you don't notice. Please be careful with this, there is only so much you can do, and you should still protect yourself and your husband

[draggar]

That's horrible what happened to her but sadly it's quite common.

It's probably a kind of burnout on the part of the police,

I've had quite a few friends who are and have been police officers and I can tell you one of the MOST annoying things they see is the victim of domestic violence starts the ball rolling (calling the police, filing charges, protective order etc.) and then drops it all. This pretty much lets the offender off free from what they did (BTW - in Florida, if the police gets dispatched for domestic violence someone IS going to jail).

She needs to take the steps to recover there is nothing anyone can force them to do. You've offered help and you were there to talk to her and right now that's all you can do. Let her know you're there for her and that she can be protected if not by you, then the police.

[Amina516]

I want to thank you all for your advice. I know im not Supergirl, but sometimes I was i was. Im hoping to see her soon and hear that shes trying to improve her situation. I know its her own decision, but i really just hope she'll come around. If not for her own sake, at least those of her children.

The good(ish) part is that her oldest child, a 3 yr old boy, has a different father and he has basically taken the boy from his mom when the first PFA was filed b/c the son was there when everything went down. She sees her son still, but the dad has basically not given her a choice in keeping the son b/c he knows the situation shes in at the moment. That really broke her heart, i remember her crying at work b/c her son was not at home.....you think that itd get into her head the reason that her son was no longer at home and do something to change it.

I know that the safety of my own family is something to keep in mind should she come here one day with him in pursuit. However, i am not a petite 90 lb girl and can and will protect myself and my family (im also the owner of a mean right hook, or so im told...... j/k). But I feel even with me calling the cops to my own address, theyd respond quicker b/c its not her own, well known address. IDK, it was just a thought.

Thank you all, really. I have alot to think about.

[Kara]

A lot of this has already been said but I'll weigh in anyway.

Hi. I'm Kara. I'm a victim, or rather, a survivor, of spousal abuse. I thought it started about 3 years ago, but looking back I can see it started in high school. She criticized any time I spent with my friends and not her. I should have held my ground from the start, but I was in love and I figured sacrifices had to be made. So I turned my back on them. I stopped hanging around them, talking to them, or having anything to do with them. At lunch, I would sit at a table with her, just the two of us. Or some of her friends (red flag, and yes, I missed it).

That was fairly minor in the big scheme of things. The meat of this happened much later, starting about 3 years ago. She only ever got physical with me a few times. I was never hit with a fist but I've been shoved, pushed, kicked, and slapped. I've had things thrown at me. I've been threatened with a knife. This was all in response to my "aggressive look" in my eye or whatever. See, it was my fault. If I hadn't gotten upset over whatever it was, she wouldn't have had to do those things. She was responding to my abuse of her. Does this sound backwards? Does it sound like total bullshit? Because to me, at the time, I accepted it. She was right, it was my fault I made her do those things to me. She never left marks. Not visible ones, just scars on my heart. I left marks though. I have a scar on the back of both of my hands where I was so upset, so angry at myself about making her mad at me, that I clawed my own hands. 2 scars, both on separate occasions. You can't really see the first one I did anymore unless you're looking for it. The second one is still very visible. That was 2 years ago. It's doesn't look as big as it used to, and I was surprised that only that one "spot" remained as a scar, but:

https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/phot...eat=directlink

We won't even get into the number of times I pondered suicide because of what I made her do to me.

Most of the abuse I suffered over the last few years was emotional. I've been put down. I've been called worthless, neglectful, selfish/self-absorbed, stupid, useless, lazy, and uncaring. Specific insults include, jerk, asshole, bitch, bastard (the joy of being transgender is you can be called terms for men and women), moron, idiot, dumbass, sicko, and freak (yes, she went there). Most of those have had been prefaced on several occasions with f words. In almost 10 years of marriage, and a relationship of 15 years, I got so mad ONE TIME that I called her a bitch. And she constantly reminded me of this, it was the worst offense I could have ever made the way she held it against me.

Did I know this was wrong? Yes. Did I like being treated like this? No. Did I do anything about it? Well, I tried. I tried, and tried, and tried, and always failed. No matter how hard I tried, it wasn't good enough according to her. It wasn't until after the fact I realized I'd been doing the wrong things. I accepted this treatment because it was what I deserved. I knew that because she told me it was. I made her do those things, I made her feel this way. She didn't like doing it and saying it, but I brought it on myself. She was never sorry, she never apologized. Why should she? It wasn't her fault! I was the one who should be sorry. And I was. I apologized to her for making her hurt me. I promised I would do better.

I mentioned this once before, but it wasn't until a few months ago in a therapy session when I realized it for what it was. My counselor asked me why I let her treat me like that. And I said, "Because if I can just love her hard enough, she won't hurt me anymore." And she said, "You aren't the first abused woman to say that to me." And suddenly I understood. And I started sobbing.

That's the thing about abuse. When you're being abused, you make excuses. You feel like you deserve it for failing your spouse's (SO, whatever) expectations. If you did what you were "supposed" to do it wouldn't happen. They aren't doing it to hurt you, they're doing it because they love you and are trying to help you. They're doing it because you are making them do it to you. If you weren't such a colossal fuckup, they wouldn't have to hurt you. Again, I know this sounds insane to most people, but this is how it feels when you're the type of person that winds up settling with abuse.

Did I say things to others? Yes. Not to reach out for help, but just general griping about certain things (never the worst ones). So many times I had a coworker look at me stunned and say, "Why do you put up with that?" And I would just shake my head and say, "You don't understand. I mean, I love her. It's not really that bad, she gets over it and then it's okay." Even if others try to tell someone like me what's going on, what it really is, we don't see it that way. This person doesn't understand, that's all. Because we love our abuser.

Unfortunately, sometimes we can't see what's right in front of us. We don't recognize it for what it is. Even for those that get protective orders and later have them withdrawn, it's the same. Because you love this person unconditionally. You love them so much you're willing to take it. You love them so much it hurts.

Edit - I don't really have anything to help you help her, other than to illustrate what it may feel like to her. Ultimately, you might not be able to help her. Usually something has to happen where it finally breaks down the issue to its core and you recognize it for what it is. Sometimes, that happens, the abused decides enough is enough, and leaves. Sometimes, the abuser gets bored and moves on to a fresh victim. Sometimes, for whatever reason, the abused doesn't realize it until the relationship is over and the abuser is no longer right there to cause them to feel that way anymore - as in my case. Offer a shoulder to cry on when it's needed. Don't give up trying, it's not impossible to get through to her. But she has to come to a point where she sees it for herself for what it is.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Draggar is right, the cops have most likely been called to that house before, probably several times. They keep going back and seeing the same damn thing with the same damn cast of characters. Now factor in that they see it every night, all over town, a hundred times.

They're human. They get sick of it and wonder why they should even bother. Not only that, but now factor in that a domestic is the worst sort of call to get sent on in terms of danger to the cop and you really can understand their seemingly callous attitude towards abuse victims.

I used to date a cop. He said he'd rather have to deal with armed freaking robbery than a domestic. At least armed robbery is fairly predictable.

A good friend of mine's teenage daughter (y'all might remember me posting about this) went out to LA to visit her mom, who was living in an abusive relationship. Her mom complained to the cops about the guy one night, because she was scared of him (no shit.) They brushed her off because they were sick of the situation. Couple hours later he went over to the house and shot both her and the daughter to death and left them to rot in the house. Literally, they rotted in the house for a month. It's a long fucking story but suffice it to say the memorial service was nice. And by "nice" I mean "nobody in that church is ever gonna stop BLEEDING over this, much less have the scars fade."

EDIT: Okay, yeah. Here. Even a picture of my friend and his daughter on here.

So yeah. Let the kids get taken away. It's better than them being in the house for when the fucker, or some other abusive fucker she's with, finally decides to kill her.

I know someone said you should do random checks on the victim. I don't agree with that. You should not put yourself into a situation that scares cops. Remember how I said you could get killed? That's exactly how. The guy that killed Crystal didn't have anything to attack her over. She was a kid. He didn't care that she was over there. She happened to be in the house when a violent animal struck. Don't put yourself in this situation.

Had a friend get shot in the face and killed through the windshield of his truck. He was sitting in the driveway of someone who was having a relationship with a violent abuser. Just sayin'. This is not something to play around with.

I'm not without compassion. Understand me. I'm not blaming the victim. But all the compassion in the world is not going to make me want to volunteer to get killed by someone else's abuser.

[Indigo]

And it'll sound callous to say this as someone who's been there, but there's no one who can really help her except herself. If she truly wants to escape, by all means help her, as much as you can, even by just offering a place to crash. But don't be surprise if she drops it again after that.

Provide as much support as you can, or feel safe doing. But as others here have said, you can't be Supergirl here. You can't save someone from themselves, as much as that bloody sucks.

This. Exactly this. From someone else who has been in a situation scarily similar - except in my case I was the child. You can provide support, but you can't do much else.

If she doesn't seem to care about the possible miscarriage, it may be that she really doesn't. My youngest brother was made in a not-so-pleasant fashion as a way to keep my mother anchored to her abuser. My mother endured over three years of abuse - including while she was pregnant. She would come home and he'd changed the locks and wouldn't let her in. She'd end up running through the apartment complex in her nightgown in an attempt to get away. So many times I would run to my upstairs neighbor to call the police and hide with my siblings. He would take the keys to the vehicle and she would have to beg just to be able to go to work. He tried kidnapping my younger brother (on Halloween too). But every time he'd get arrested, after he served his couple of days in jail she'd let him back in. She knew it was affecting us kids, but at least he was only hitting her. Mind you, this is all while I'm in elementary school.

What finally made her leave is that he laid his hands on my older brother. Even then that wasn't the end of it. There were still threats and he would often refuse to return my younger brothers after visitation. He would show up at our new house and threaten to make my brothers orphans because she'd be 6 feet under and he'd be in jail. There were times I had to herd my younger brothers into the attic, lock the door, and sit there with a loaded gun. If he came through I was supposed to shoot, because that meant that Mom was dead or damn near. We ended up moving out over our back fence because he was watching the front of the house. We now live two states away and have a life-time protective order against him.

It doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't been in that position. Hell sometimes it doesn't make sense to those of us who have. My mother put up with it because her mother abused her - so she was pre-conditioned for it. All you can do is be there - especially when she does decide to run because she will need all the help she can get. Too often people give up on abuse victims because they take too long to get out, which narrows down any help they might have when they do decide to leave and makes it harder to do.

Basically, be there for her and be willing to do it for the long haul. She'll thank you for it eventually. If you suspect any abuse of the kids, then call CPS. If she gets her kids taken away, yea it sucks but realistically its less baggage when it comes time to run.

I second what RK said - don't do random checks. You don't want to be there when shit gets ugly. Just provide a safe place to run to for when she does get out.

[monolayth]

From the point of the children, they do not want to be in an abusive home even if they are not being hurt.

They are being psychologically hurt be seeing their mother hurt.