Feeling overwhelmed

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Eisa, I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew, poor little guy. I'm just glad such things can be fixed these days. *big hugs*

[Eisa]

Mishi: -hugs- Yeah. Poor baby. Still haven't gotten to see him either lol. And my sister has the baby blues. Might be something, might not, but if it doesn't go away, it's not a good sign (she had postpartum depression & psychosis with her first baby). Really hoping it goes away.

Jazzy is adorable. You should get her an electric guitar!


Der Cute: I promise I will actually look at your PM today. Gah. Fail.

I can promise I will not go near substance abuse. For one, my aunt would kick me out. For two...never really had any interest in it at all. Sometimes, I'm interested in getting drunk, but then I would also really hate the lack of control, to the point I'd rather just not bother. Self-injury on the other hand? FUCK, is that a hard habit to kick. Stopped for over two fucking years, and STILL slipped up the other day.

I like the stop-week technique idea. Although I'm not sure I could even do two weeks right now. But definitely gonna use that one!

I'm wearing my Pandy's shirt today that says: "healing is a journey...which unwinds in stages and layers." How very true.

I can guarantee I am not stable. But...I can do this...this can be done...it is not impossible. Thank you so much.


FuzzyKitten99: Well, for one, your name makes me happy because I absolutely adore cats. <3 ...which is what makes it suck all the more that I'm allergic. Maybe I could go home and snuggle the dog. His fluffiness makes up for my parents. XP

Baking would probably have to wait until we're moved. My aunt wants a new apartment before January (doubt it's gonna happen, but eh...maybe). And then I could start over in a kitchen that's not so...grungy. Although I do have a fruit pot pie I could pop into the oven. That smells good while it bakes. I also just like cooking in general, but I don't get a lot of opportunities here to cook.

Yeah, winter blows. I don't know about tanning, though, then I'd look my vampire-like paleness! -gasp- I need to go out in the sun...or open the blinds. I can at least open the blinds while I sleep or something. And there will not be a Doctor Who weeping angel looking through the window at me (I could kill my friend for making me watch that episode at 3 am in the dark, I really could).

I do wonder what it would be like to be on anti-depressants, I never have...


BTDT: Yeah...I feel bad for him. But it can be fixed, so that's good.





My friend made an astute observation the other day. I like helping people. I'm good at it. I'm good at listening and just being there. I have a knack for getting people to open up about what hurts, even things they have literally never told another soul. I'm not sure how I do that, to be honest. But I do. I always want to make people feel better. And I do. And my friend observed...that while it's nice and wonderful to spend all that effort and give away so much of myself to help other people...it would be really good to spend some of that effort on me. And I...don't. Not really. I guess I don't feel worthy of it? Like I'm not important or even the remotest bit useful to anyone unless I can help them. I guess that's kind of stupid to feel that way, but...I do.

Also had an absolutely awful dream today, in which I was r@ped. By a passing stranger, I don't even know who he was. And I remember in the dream making a sandwich for school and trying to act all casual and like it was no big deal, so he wouldn't kill me. And that was horrible waking up, felt...shell-shocked. Spacey and anxious and shell-shocked, like someone was about to break in. Obviously, no one did. But chalk up another reason why my door is locked and technically barricaded (mostly to keep light from leaking through into the hallway).

And my friend is also helping me brainstorm ways I can gtfo of here asap. Which helps. If anything would work. Since all I can think of leads me to believe I'm a complete failure. Why couldn't I be interested in a field that doesn't require more than a bachelor's to do anything in?

Feel really, really hopeless. I know people would miss me. I just think I can count them on one hand. Maybe two hands. And no, I can't do anything. And won't. But that doesn't really make the feelings of wishing I could disappear off the face of the planet go away, unfortunately.

[Der Cute]

Here try this stuff:
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_lessons.html
Ok. This is a really badly laid-out website, but that page right there has the 4 modules in DBT.
Click on one of the green links on the right, and you get to the homework for that module. As I said, it's pretty badly laid out. It's hard to read. And you get all of it shoved at you at once, whereas my group gets one lesson per meet.
I'll admit when I was new in counseling this year, I did not want to go to group. I dodged it. I stalled. I was so..withdrawn, shy, introverted did not want to do diddly. Took me about 3 weeks (3 sessions) for me to feel comfortable enough to open my mouth. And there were some meetings where none of it applied to me. At that moment. Right then. But, as I kept going to the group, I would find spots where an OLD skill would be useful "right now".

You're coming back here, popping up, saying hi. That's great. Keep that up, please. Oh, the STOP technique? You set the time frame. You could even be hour to hour; depending on how squirrely you are. See that link. I've had times when my stop time was 3 days from today. Today for me? It's March.
You're doing good hon. You are, and I'm sincere.

[Mishi]

*Huge hugs for Eisa and Eisa's sister* Baby blues are horrid, and I really hope that she doesn't get smacked by PPD/PPP this time around. It's hard enough to figure things out with a kid and a new bub, let alone a baby with health problems AND a sick mummy. It's not fair.

Dammit Dalesys, Jazzy loves that 'Hello Kitty' guitar! She's currently watching Transformers 'Day of the Machines'.

[dalesys]

Dammit Dalesys, Jazzy loves that 'Hello Kitty' guitar! She's currently watching Transformers 'Day of the Machines'.

I got talking with some friends about all the great concerts we saw 67-72, and I decided that if I could go back and make an audio/video recording of one and only one show to post on youtube it would be...
Not Jimi Hendrix... or Eric Burdon... or Spirit... or (about 50 other great bands)...

It would be Fanny, the band fronted by those sisters.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Here try this stuff:
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_lessons.html

Thanks for sharing that. I've bookmarked it.

[Eisa]

Der Cute: Oooh, I found that before to help with my breathing! I shall apply myself more assiduously. Got lost in all the emotions stuff because my emotions are whack. Especially like...what I feel doesn't match what I show. 'Cause emotions just confuse the hell out of me.

That sounds like me in individual therapy. XD I'd only talk cuz they'd make me talk, and then only about school-related things 'cause I couldn't say the other things. And the worst part was when I'd write stuff down that was really important, and one guy in particular just...ignored it. Hopefully that doesn't ever happen again because if it does, I'm finding a new therapist. It's hard enough to talk as it is, via the written word or whatever else.

Mine's a couple hours as of now. I just...getting too anxious about anything, so yeah. Couple hours! Thank you. :3



Mishi: Yeah, exactly. She was committed before. That wouldn't work well now with her bf having to take care of TWO kids, and one a newborn. Not to mention how much it just sucks in general.

Hello Kitty guitars are awesome.




Today was massively, massively overwhelming in so many ways, I cannot even count them, except that I almost burst into tears and bludgeoned myself with a cucumber to knock myself out. Except that we don't have any cucumbers, so that would have been really difficult. Too much. Just...I don't feel important enough to ever ask for help until I've helped everyone around me, and that overwhelms me because then I feel all my problems AND theirs, and HAVE to fix theirs, and fuck mine, they aren't that big a deal, I can handle mine and if I can't, I'm stupid and lazy, and...well, you see how it becomes overwhelming.

Also really like how a friend phrased her feelings lately. She doesn't really fancy living, but it's not like OMG MUST DIE, it's just...apathetic. I think that's really how I feel. Just...I don't particularly fancy living, but I'm not really in a rush to end it all or anything. I don't know. Just...want out, but out of what, I'm not sure.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Also really like how a friend phrased her feelings lately. She doesn't really fancy living, but it's not like OMG MUST DIE, it's just...apathetic. I think that's really how I feel. Just...I don't particularly fancy living, but I'm not really in a rush to end it all or anything. I don't know. Just...want out, but out of what, I'm not sure.

If the two of you are anything like me, you want out of the pain, the loneliness, the sadness, and the monotony. You know life can be so much better but are stuck in trying to figure out how to get there. Hopefully, one day we all will.

[Eisa]

Yes, exactly! I want the pain to stop. I want the flashbacks to stop. I want the constant thinking about everything to stop. I want to stop having a blinking "victim" light on my forehead, which I keep thinking is gone, and then it seems like it's not gone. I want to stop being so anxious. I want people to stop being such douches, it does not help when someone you trust keeps telling you that no, the rest of the world is not like your family, and you venture out...and meet utter asshats. Although I think that might be helped by moving out of this state. I'd really like if I could reverse time and not find out exactly how emotionally abusive my aunt is and the sucky part is, I don't think she even realizes she's doing it. Orrrrr I just deserve it.

Also migraines BLOW. I just feel the need to complain about that. I could not sleep today, and every time I finally managed to go to sleep, my aunt would come wake me up again for something. So fucking tired right now.

[Mishi]

You don't deserve it, that's just a lie she and a lot of other people have told you.
*Hugs* If I could wipe away the victim light for you I would, but that's something that only you and time can fix.

[dragon_wings]

((hugs Eisa)) You are awesome. And a totally kick ass friend. ^_^

[lordlundar]

Orrrrr I just deserve it.

No. Simple as that. You do not deserved to be abused, no one does. Do not tell yourself any different.

[dragon_wings]

No. Simple as that. You do not deserved to be abused, no one does. Do not tell yourself any different.

QFT. I was abused for so long by my ex. My sister was the one that finally helped me see it. And it was bad. But I didn't deserve it but I thought (at the time) I did. It's all a part of the abuse. You become conditioned to believe you deserve it.
You deserve happiness. And to not be abused. ((hugs)) You can over come it. If you can get away from your aunt it could very well help lift your depression even a little. Getting out of my ex's place helped a lot. As did my bf and my sis (whose home I moved into for a while).

[Eisa]

Mishi: Thank you. And not living here, I think...'cause I have to act in particular ways, or it's worse. -sighs-


lordlundar: Thank you. I...know that. Somewhere inside my head.


dragon_wings: And you are a kick-ass friend yourself.

It's...hard. Almost anyone I've been close to hurts me. Like it's inevitable. I just kind of sit back and wait for it, to be honest, I really don't trust very many people at all, and now I don't trust anyone completely.

It would help X a billion if I could get away from her. It's just the getting out of here part. All my family's abusive, and I have no friends here I could move in with. I have acquaintances, yes, but no one I'd even be willing to ask...closest person already has three kids and lives in student housing, so she's a definite no. Also haven't talked to her in months, so...awkwardsauce. I think I maybe could get a job, but I can't keep one and live here, because my mental state is so all over the place and awful. Gotta get there somehow, though. Just...have no idea how.



And not that I put all that much personal stuff on Facebook, but my dad has now joined. And my mom wants to. Great. Hello stricter privacy settings.

Song of the moment to be re-listened to a million times: "Welcome to the Family"

At least my migraine's mostly gone.

[Eisa]

Barbershop music made me feel better last night/today. Er...female barbershop music, that is. I like singing along with the tenor. (Which would be akin to first soprano, but not the melody.) Like this especially. "We Go Together" I have, at various points, sung all 4 parts. Baritone's hard as fuck.

Probably have to go out later with my aunt apartment-hunting. Which is clearly why I'm still awake and planning to do all this on...what, 3 hours of sleep? I'm so special.

Still feel very shaky, anxious, scared, and unsafe this morning. Which is not conducive to merrily falling asleep.